“Blessed are the cracked for they shall let in the light.” ~Groucho Marx
In 2008, after ten years of marriage, my former husband and I decided to divorce.
It came as a shock to those who knew us. We were living what most would consider the American dream: two healthy children, beautiful home, great friends, strong careers, two incomes—the works.
Though my ex-husband and I got along well, the marriage was missing an intimate, heartfelt connection.
Loneliness and longing grew with each passing year until I could no longer ignore them. I knew the kind of intimacy for which I yearned was not possible in my marriage, so I asked for a divorce.
Because my ex-husband and I led mostly separate lives, I assumed the transition through divorce would be fairly smooth. Boy, was I in for a rude awakening!
Divorce, like most significant losses, takes the safe and familiar contour of our lives and blows it to smithereens, leaving us vulnerable and unprotected until the new shape forms. It is easy to underestimate the comfort we draw from what is known; I sure did.
Shortly after the separation, much like a Ficus tree seems to all but die when moved from its familiar spot, I went into a state of shock.
It was as if my nerve endings were relocated outside my skin, perturbed at even the slightest agitation. Once-routine tasks, like getting out of bed or going to the grocery store, seemed barely doable.
I spent the days toggling between two modes: “about to cry” and “full-on blubbering.”
I told myself it was not okay to feel the pain because it was a consequence of my own choices. My emotional suitcases were so heavy with fear, shame, and self-doubt, I thought these feelings defined me.
One night, the struggle reached a crescendo. Sadness and dread filled my entire body, from the inside out, until I was heaving with sobs and howling like a trapped animal. I was convinced the pain would either not stop or that it would kill me. I secretly wished for the latter.
It was in this moment I realized that some pain is, quite literally, unsoothable: there is no one, no place, and nothing in that moment that can make it better.
The only way out of unsoothable pain is to go straight through it. Even with this awareness, however, I still wanted to run.
At first, I tried to numb the pain with limerence. The new relationship went about like any would go between two wounded people lacking awareness; like a train wreck. What’s more, I convinced myself I needed that train wreck to work to prove I wasn’t a failure.
When we tell ourselves that we need something, we inadvertently look for it in places we are guaranteed not find it.
This is life’s clever way of showing us, again and again, what needs our own loving attention. If I kept numbing the pain of loss with romantic love, I would keep choosing unsustainable relationships.
At the base of every true heart connection is acceptance. We cannot offer acceptance to others until we can accept ourselves, wrenched heart and all.
Three years and two failed relationships later, I decided it was time to stop trying to soothe the unsoothable, to face grief, and to build a solid life on my own.
I eschewed romantic relationships for well over a year, devoting that time to friendships and long-neglected passions, like skiing and music. I felt lonely and frequently got scared, but fear was outmatched by a deeply held conviction to stay the course.
Though I once hoped it would, I am happy to report unsoothable pain did not kill me. In fact, the willingness to push through its contractions has increased my confidence to handle life’s loss and uncertainty. The same can be true for anyone willing to face his/her own darkness.
If you are experiencing unsoothable pain, you may be tempted to reach for something or someone to numb yourself.
Avoidance is a way of inviting into your life more of the very thing you are attempting to banish; resistance is futile. Your feelings are intense because something important is happening, so keep going!
Sometimes unsoothable pain presents itself as fear, telling us the struggle won’t end.
Sometimes it assumes the voice of self-doubt, convincing us we can’t do it.
Sometimes pain is accompanied by shame, which cajoles us into believing there is something fundamentally wrong with us because we are hurting.
Fear, self-doubt, and shame are the normal, temporary emotional byproducts of significant change. Do not believe their stories; they are untrue. Unsoothable pain is the threshold over which we must cross to access more love and more light within ourselves.
While masking its symptoms won’t cure the disease, taking good emotional, spiritual, and physical care of yourself goes a long way. Here are a few things to consider:
1. Slow down and breathe.
It may feel like you are dying when you pause for a bit, but I encourage you to do it anyway. When we slow down and sit with hard feelings, we are taking a brave step toward showing ourselves that we are stronger than pain.
2. Create small goals.
During the darkest times, the idea of getting through an entire day felt like a lot, so I broke the day into small chunks to make it more manageable. My goal list looked like “Shower and put on makeup” or “Make it to lunch time.”
3. Celebrate achievements.
When I reached each milestone, I would sometimes say, out loud and in my goofiest cheerleader voice, “Woot! You made it to bedtime! Another day is history!” (Sidebar: always laugh at yourself—the alternative is too unpleasant to consider).
It may feel silly to celebrate events that seem otherwise unremarkable but, when your nerves are inside out, even the simplest of tasks can feel like a big deal.
4. Trust more and confide often.
Make a short list of the people in your life you feel safe falling apart with and let yourself fall apart with them.
There is nothing shameful about unsoothable pain—it is our vulnerability that allows us to create meaningful bonds with other humans. Sometimes a supportive comment or gesture from a trusted friend can be the encouragement you need to keep going.
5. Move around.
You don’t have to qualify for the Boston Marathon, but please do move your body at least once per day.
Whether your preferred movement is yoga, walking, running, dancing, hiking, or biking, remember that emotions are physical events—we can literally move through them sometimes. If this idea seems like too much, start with your mailbox and work your way out from there (see #2).
6. Do something that scares you.
Keeping health and safety in mind, figure out two or three small things you can do that are outside of your comfort zone.
I wanted to reconnect with my musical side, so I joined a group of singers and songwriters. It wasn’t easy (I cried in the car all the way to the first gathering), but it eventually got easier and the strangers in that group eventually became friends.
7. Speak kindly to yourself.
We are more likely to advocate for people we like so, when you are in pain, speak to yourself as if you are a valued friend. It is when we are hurting that we are most deserving of tenderness. Gently remind yourself that you are doing your best to take care of you.
8. Be patient.
Building a new life shape takes time, so give it the time it deserves. Acting hastily merely increases your chances of having to start over later.
Building a friendlier relationship with discomfort can eventually diminish its strength and frequency.
In the meantime, it may help to remember that unsoothable pain is often the sign of a well-lived life—it proves you were courageous enough to risk, to love, and to be affected by loss. After all, it is when the shapes of our lives are wide open that the most light can get in.
Man walking into the light image via Shutterstock
About Jill Gross
Dr. Jill Gross is a licensed psychologist, grief and divorce specialist, and mother of two. She lives and practices in Seattle, Washington. To find out more about Dr. Jill, please visit www.drjillgross.com.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Hi Jill
Thank you for sharing your story. I think anyone ending a marriage can relate to what you went through. Like you said, even if you were already living basically separate lives, it is a huge change.
That is wonderful you honored the pull to take the focus off relationships and put your energy towards things that made you feel better. It can be hard to pull away from working towards the things we want most because that creates the fear we won’t get it, but when we are trying to create something from a space where we aren’t feeling good about it, walking away is the best thing we can do. We can shift our energy and work on whatever may be holding us back, and from this new space, we can start towards those goals again.
Great post!
Thank you! Some stories come at just the right time. Your’s is a gift.
Hello Jill,
I’m a 41 year old guy who is alone for the first time in his life. I left my mothers home when I was 19, my girlfriend and later wife moved in two weeks later and we were together for 17 years. The marriage fell apart and I went to another, then another, yet another and one more, until now. I’ve been single and alone for four months, a record. I think the term is serial monogamist and anxious attachment and I’m in detox and recovery.
This has been the most fear laden, terrifying experience of my life. What makes it worse is that I’m a male, in the south, and we’re not “allowed” to feel that way. You pick up, get drunk, sleep with women until the pain is no longer there and keep on moving. No, that isn’t acceptable, this time I’m moving through the pain and have four relationships worth to process. It hasn’t been pretty and I’ve felt at times I wouldn’t make it, death would’ve been sweet in the darkest moments.
I’m still not good, but I’m learning. I found it funny that friends and family would say that this is a good time to learn about myself and find what I like to do and all that bull. I know what I like to do, I know what’s enjoyable to me, I have hobbies and strong bonds. That’s not my issue; emotionally I’ve always dependent on a female. Sheesh!
Physically I’m strong, I’m decent financially, I can “fix” things because that’s what men are “supposed” to do. But, when I become uncertain or fearful there’s nothing like a woman to sooth and it’s addictive. And I’ve arrived at my point; there’s no female I’m bonded to to sooth me emotionally and I’ve been on a journey to the darkest places I’ve avoided and it’s been one hell of a ride.
I’m alive and kicking. I’m still depressed and anxious but each day is different and I know feelings are impermanent. Anyone that has to fight through pain will find small windows of clarity and THOSE windows will pull you together long enough to get you through the next round. Your article is what I did to survive and what I continue to do because this isn’t over yet, but this too shall pass.
Hang in there people! It sucks because it’s supposed too. The goal is to be better for it.
You’re welcome, Cari. Glad the timing was right for you.
Jill
Thank you, Bill, for bravely stepping forward and sharing your story. My heartfelt compassion goes out to you for bravely sharing your story and, even though and especially because it’s difficult, doing what you know is needed. Women are a natural emotional landing strip for men–our culture doesn’t really allow for men to feel vulnerable, let alone soothe themselves when they are in pain. You are learning how to be with and take care of all of yourself, which is true masculine strength. Keep doing what you’re doing!
Best, Jill
Love this article. This is exactly what I needed to hear right now. I know for me, it’s hard to find the courage to walk straight through the pain instead of run away from it. However, I’m glad I’m aware of that pain for awareness really is the first step.
Yes, Marnie. It’s definitely easier to work with and work through what we can see. Hang in there. It gets better.
Jill
I’m almost 3 years out from being dumped on our 18th anniversary. I believe I’ve been working through the pain (and not avoiding it), but at what point does “going through it” become “wallowing in it”? Sometimes I feel stuck, and I don’t want to become one of those stuck people!
You pose a good question. I think we only wallow in what we deny ourselves permission to feel. The more we tell ourselves we “shouldn’t” be feeling something, the stronger those feelings get until we honor them. Even thought pain cannot be rushed, good self-care (see the numbered suggestions above) can be the key to working through the hard times. Eighteen years is a lifetime together; three years of hurt seems appropriate for such a huge loss. Set an intention for freedom and your feet will eventually help you manifest that.
Love and Light,
Jill
Great article thank you
Wonderful article! People often think that divorce is the ‘easy’ way out. It is the most difficult thing I have ever done and initially I felt like such a failure. Now, having worked through my grief, I know it happened when the time was right. You have to deal with the grief to move on in a healthy way or eventually the grief will come out at a later date.
You’re welcome, Bronwyn.
Thank you B. When we divorce someone, we divorce them 1000 times and grief has its ways, some more subtle than others, of repeatedly asking to be felt. Good thing life need be taken one day at a time, one moment at a time. It’s important to let go and trust the process, even when it’s unclear where things are headed. Thank you for your comment.
Blessings,
Jill
Thank you so much for this, Jill. These observations are helpful for me even though what I’m going through isn’t a divorce, but a mid-life career change. Sometimes things feel like they’re all falling apart, and that’s tough to cope with, whether one chose the path that led there, or not. Compassion…!
I’m on the very start of this journey and it seems insurmountable. I can identity so readily with you and I now have tiny hope that it may be better someday.
You’re welcome. There are many things that can alter a life shape and career change is definitely one of them. A little compassion definitely goes a long way when we are in transition. Good luck to you as you find your way on the new professional path!
Blessings,
Jill
Yes, Bronwyn! Looking at the summit from the base of the mountain, it can be easy to forget we don’t need to know exactly how to get to the top and down the other side. All we need to know is that we are willing to take the next step. One step will lead to another and, when you look over your shoulder in a year, life will feel so different! Love and light to you as you make the climb.
Jill
Thank you. I’m going through a breakup that has been incredibly painful. I sometimes don’t want to take up because I don’t want to feel the pain of missing him. Sometimes I don’t think I can go on for much longer. But every day I try to accomplish something, even if it’s small, like putting away the laundry or making my bed. And I try to be gentle with myself as I would with a sick friend. I tell myself I love myself, and I I meditate, and try to get exercise even though it’s hard. Sometimes I think the sadness will never leave me, but sometimes I’m able to accept it as along for the ride, and even to be kind to it. Your article is exactly right.
It’s possible that certain types of pain will never really go away, but that people learn to live with it on some level. Some things you don’t get over, but you can move in into the world and integrate those experiences into your life.
I think you’re doing amazingly good work. I understand that fear; I’ve got the anxious attachment thing, too. But we’re going to be OK being single for awhile. The fear is because you’re growing.
That’s the spirit, Lucy! The moments and days will continue to build upon themselves until, eventually, the new normal is simply normal. In the meantime, small goals and self-care are enough, my friend. Hang in there!
Jill
Well said, Lucy. I don’t think we “get over” people. We just learn to live without them, which takes time.
Thanks so much for this. I’ve just been going through a really difficult break up and felt so ashamed and like I’m wrong and there’s something wrong with me. I know ultimately that it was the right thing but the way everything has happened has been incredibly painful. I will try setting myself small goals as you have advised and try and move on. Thank you again x
Yes, Sais. Nothing like a breakup to till the emotional and spiritual soil. At first, its the yucky stuff that comes up with the most force and magnitude. But the joy, excitement, creativity, and strength will soon follow. The pain we feel is directly proportional to the importance of what we are learning. So you must be learning something good here. 🙂
Keep doing what you are doing. Time takes time and the process cannot be rushed. In the meantime, there are resources and communities, like TinyBuddha, of like-minded others who can help buoy you along the way.
Hugs,
Jill
Thanks so much for the kind words Jill. I feel like he’s fine and over it already and all our mutual friends have taken his side. But ultimately I know the end product will be the best thing that ever happened to me. Thank you again xx
What a beautiful post, and so true. You are right–the challenging times in our lives can lead to tremendous growth and transformation. When we learn to let go of things that we thought we couldn’t live without, we begin to open up new possibilities.
testing new account
True that! Thanks for commenting.
Jill
I posted yesterday a heartfelt plea for help for my situation and came back today to find my post removed..what a bunch of hypocrites you are who run the site! You preach but you are just a fraudster site looking to cash in on people who are struggling. I guess I could “buy” help if I just pay 150.00 for your forum–which btw are all over the net for FREE. You really showed me what kind of site this is. I’m going to post my original post on your competitors sites and tell them you removed it,,,shock and disgust are sure to be the reactions. I know I am still in disbelief that you would do that. I dont understand WHY, but greed is my guess,,no help or advice unless you PAY for it huh?
So Jill was it you that deleted my post? If so you are a hypocrite and a fraud. I cannot believe you would delete the post of a mom, desperate and reaching out for help. I cannot fathom why but its hurtful and I guess if I had PAID you first for a forum you can get free anywhere else I might have gotten a nice reply instead of my post deleted. I think you need to take your own course and maybe one on being a decent human being. If you didnt delete my post I apologize but since you are the writer here I suspect Im correct. At any rate I am disgusted that someone would delete a post that was essentially a plea for help. Awful!!!!!!!!!!!
This was my original post – the one deleted for no reason. This is a FRAUD site,,they just want your money!!!
I am the 39 year old mom of three small kids and im falling apart. The man I chose to have these three precious kids with has abandoned me, He has become a full blown drunk and has not worked in 6 months. Im barely able to keep food on the table. I never imagined being my age and living in poverty with three little kids Im sad, angry. and filled with guilt and cant go on like this. I am isolating myself and seem to be falling apart, I dont know how to get out of this huge hole i feel like im stuck in. I cannot seem to move forward. I feel like A ,FAILURE. My mom, the only person who ever really loved me I feel, died young and unexpectedly 10 years ago but the pain of losing her still feels fresh, I feel so alone and wish she was here. I am so hopeless right now. I feel like the best years are gone and I missed the boat for a good life. Instead the choices I made led me into hell. I want to change my life so bad but dont know how. Today I out of the blue typed in “how to gain inner peace” and ended up here My mom was very spiritual and I can almost feel her pushing me to get help – to heal my heart. My kids need me to be ok. I need me to be ok. I just wish I didnt feel so lost. Reading here has struck a chord with me. Maybe I can be a happy ending story after all. I just dont want to be another tragedy, I have had enough tragedy in my life, so much pain its unreal. someone please help me!!
Yes and thank her for the MONEY you scammed her out of too
Hope you didnt pay a dime for this fraud site see my comment above these ppl dont care about anything but cash
Hi there,
My name is Lori and I run this website. I just saw your other comments, and I wanted to apologize. I am the only person with access to delete comments, and I must have deleted yours accidentally. I would never have purposely deleted a plea for help. I did see a comment from you yesterday with just the words “Testing new account,” and I thought I deleted that. I tried to email you earlier to explain, but the email address I have for you didn’t work.
I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through right now. I can only imagine how difficult this has been for you. It doesn’t sound to me like you’re a failure. it sounds like you’re dealing with something incredibly overwhelming and doing the best you can. Anyone in your shoes would feel discouraged and lost.
Is there anyone in your life who you can turn to for help and support–any other friends or relatives?
Lori
love and light huh,,,how much did that cost her?
A little compassion definitely goes a long way
Reaaallly??? hypocrite. apparently compassion costs money here
Ok I feel like an idiot. Im really sorry. No, I have no one. My mom died young and she was the only one I had. again so sorry.
It’s okay. I understand. Have you considered joining a support group of some kind? Although I don’t yet have children, I know what it’s like to feel alone, and I know it can make a tremendous difference when you feel there are others who understand, can relate, and will be there for you.
Also, are there any government resources available to you as a single mother with three young children?
I wish I could do more to help. My heart goes out to you…
I have been trying to find some answers to help me through the pain that I am feeling.
I am a single mum. I took a chance on love and moved everything to be with a man that I had fallen in love with 2 years ago. Once I moved my new job didn’t work out,my partner finished me out of the blue. I found out I was pregnant and told him,he then told me he was with someone else. Our path has not been easy but we got through it together,he was married when I met him and wanted to separate from his wife which he did eventually,but once we were together properly he didn’t want me anymore,many will say serve me right but I believed his marriage was over and I have to try and forgive myself for that but he didn’t leave home for me,we moved into separate places. I have been so ill . I tried to talk to thim but we were on different pages I got to the point where I thought I was going mad, I emailed his relative who I don’t know very well to try and reach out to him I was so confused I wanted her to talk to him,,she never replied to me. then he told me he had someone else I was shocked and so hurt,he had made me so many promises,last week he suggested an abortion,it is out of the question.After I became so ill my friends stepped in out of anger they said they would tell people if anything happened to me,as soon as I found out I said they should say sorry to him as it is not what I want,he never answered. I am just out of hospital, I am emotionally shot to pieces, my son is heartbroken that I have gone through this. I feel used and guilty,full of shame but so hurt that he just does not care what happened to me,if I wasn’t here anymore Im sure he would be happy. I try to repeat to myself that must look after myself and my son and that I reacted so badly because I cared and that he doesn’t and that’s the way it is but it is hard,I don’t see the point in living. I feel incredibly sad for my son seeing me like this. I cant eat and take sleeping tablets. I considered going back but my son likes his school here. I want to go out of the front door but I am full of shame. I cant hold my head up.
Hi Sadwoman,
I read just read your comment; sorry for the delay in response. Sounds like things are in a dark place right now–I’m glad you decided to write your feelings down here. You are already on your way.
Perhaps your mother’s loving spirit is dovetailing with your own inner wisdom to start you on the path toward taking good care of yourself. Though the voices of shame and hopelessness can convince us of the contrary, you deserve to be happy. At 39, you know yourself better now than you every have before, which means that the best years are still ahead of you!
Sometimes life applies more heat and pressure than one person can be expected to bear alone. If not for yourself, for those three children (for whom you are the mother that your own mother was to you), I urge you to consider contacting your local community mental health agency and establishing some support for yourself. If there is no community mental health agency in your city, religious organizations (churches, mosques, synagogues, etc.) usually know what community resources are available, independently of your own religious affiliation. Most community agencies work on a sliding-scale, so funding is not an issue. In the meantime, when you hear the voice of shame and hopelessness telling you this won’t get better and that you are failure, remember this is how you feel; not who you are. Shame and hopelessness are life’s painful way of getting our attention so we can lean in and heal the parts of us that are hurting. You are heeding that call.
Sending you love and light as you make your way toward that happy ending.
Jill
HI Lonesome,
I just posted a reply to “Sadwoman” below that you may find useful. It can sometimes help to remember that even life’s messiest messes are created by the divine inside us all. This mess was created for the purposes of healing, learning, and growth. Trust that.
When life hits us with this kind of force, it can be necessary to call in reinforcements. For yourself, for your son, and for your unborn baby, I urge you to seek some outside support to help you in rebuilding a life shape that makes sense for you and your family.
Best,
Jill
‘I told myself it was not okay to feel the pain because it was a consequence of my own choices.’ that’s right, and there are far worse things to go through than a divorce!
I feel your pain, Sadwoman. Here is my email, so we can exchange thoughts and feelings to help each other. marcel mjbajb@yahoo.com. I live in Diamond Bar, CA (Los Angeles county).
I want to show great work opportunity… three to five hours of work daily… Weekly paycheck… Bonus) opportunities…Payscale of $6k to $9k /a month… Just few hours of your free time, any kind of computer, elementary understanding of web and stable connection is what is required…Get informed more about it by visiting my profile>page
I am going through something very similar to what the author went
through and I was literally in tears when I read through the lines.
“Sometimes unsoothable pain presents itself as fear, telling us the struggle won’t end.” so true.
Your piece is just amazing. It touched and resonated in my life. Thank you so much. I wish you well and am glad you are doing better. Tears.
Feeling is healing, Joy. Welcome, sadness. 🙂
Sorry for the delayed response.
You are very welcome. Glad the piece spoke to you. Tears are great cleansers of the soul.
Glad you are letting yours flow!
Best,
Jill
I just found this. Recently, my fiance list both her parents within 6 months. In suffering as well but trying not to dump my grief on her. Add of late, we’ve been arguing af this morning it seems it came to a head. I’m terrified, fearful, and in pain. This article has helped me in such a timely way. I’m scared just writing this right now. We’ll see how much further this pain goes for both of us. Thank you.