“Never fear shadows. They simply mean there’s a light shining somewhere nearby.” ~Ruth E. Renkel
My last breakup was on April 16th, 2012.
I remember the date because on the evening of April 17th, as I sat with a blotchy red face and tears in my eyes, my dad told me I soon would remember that day and be glad I was no longer sad. “Men are like buses,” he said. “If one leaves you behind, rest assured another will come.”
I found his support very touching, but it did little to console me. If this guy was a bus, it was the bus I wanted to be on, period. That day, on my dad’s couch for the second night in a row, I slept a total of an hour and cried for about eight.
I found the breakup pretty surprising and abrupt. After not more than a strange feeling, and a day during which I sensed an uncomfortable distance, I said to my then boyfriend, “I feel that you might not be in love with me,” to which he responded, “Maybe.”
Boy, did I feel like a fool. What got to me the most was discovering he’d felt that way for a while but hadn’t said anything. There I was, thinking he loved me, and there he was, waiting for me to what, wise up?
It was harsh to say the least. My feeling was that he didn’t even care enough to bring it up.
The following weeks were pretty dreary. I sobbed in the shower, sobbed at home, sobbed while I was working, and felt that my worth was at zero. I’d been dropped like a hot potato by someone that knew me; that had me!
We’ve all been there, left by someone to whom we attributed a big part of our identity, someone who confirmed us as worthy of love and partnership. To different degrees, we all recover, meet someone new, and perhaps go through variations of the same ordeal later on.
I’d been through breakups before, and painful ones at that. But at some point, in the fog of this loss, I got the feeling that rather than this one being something I had to get over, it was one I had to get, as in understand, beyond the corroboration or mending of my bruised ego.
I avoided the traditional post-breakup ranting to friends. It didn’t feel right, and there was little room for trash talking since I couldn’t see the inherent wrong in his change of heart or mind. That led me to suspect that the real source of my pain was absolutely inside of me.
I wanted to go there; I was on a mission. Determined to find the gold, I decided to put myself through a daily routine of questions regarding the source of my pain.
I first asked myself if it was really that surprising that the relationship had ended. Were things really going so well that it would make zero sense for this person to choose to end things? The answer was, unequivocally, no.
We had actually been growing apart. We had fundamental differences in opinion, which had an impact on the development of our relationship; we experienced incompatibility in our rhythm of communication; and our expectations of what it meant to be with someone were different.
On several occasions I actually found myself wanting out, wanting to not feel the potency of loneliness in the company of another; I just kept it to myself. That kind of blew me out of the water: I’d been feeling that way for a while too, and, I too hadn’t addressed it.
Once that little nugget came to light, I found my assumptions regarding his approach to breaking up were, at best, doubtful. I couldn’t sensibly hold them against him, or myself for that matter. I had to let my resentment toward the manner of the breakup go. I couldn’t be angry with him.
Lack of presence can create a disconnect between actual experience and fantasy or expectation. It certainly did for me. There’s what I had, and what I demanded it become, and it was my relationship to the latter that I was most attached to.
Another step in my recovery was accepting that I was most upset about breaking up with my fantasy and my expectation, not with the real, flesh and blood person, and certainly not with the strained relationship.
Then there was the matter of low self-worth. How could my self-worth be challenged by my worth to someone else? As it turned out, my low self-worth hadn’t actually been engendered by the breakup but rather exposed. It was there all along, supplemented by the relationship.
The worthiness I had found in the relationship had little to do with self-worth and everything to do with my reliance on someone else’s evaluation of me.
While I was looking outward for sources of acceptance, affection, validation, and understanding, I could have been looking inward and cultivating the one relationship through which life is experienced, the one with yours truly.
It was bittersweet to learn of this. It gave the situation meaning and a powerful possibility for growth and wellness. I was still grieving, but I realized that what I was grieving was the tragedy of abandoning myself.
I decided to go right ahead and feel it all, with the condition that I keep a watchful eye on the narratives that came up. It was important to remain clear about what it was that was really hurting rather than letting the inner storyteller convince me that I had just lost the love of my life.
Then again, I had indeed lost sight of the love of my life for a while. This was more a case of mistaken identity, because really, what is the love of your life if not your own love?
I chose the path of natural grieving, and by doing so I became present to myself and acutely aware of how important my well-being is to me.
If I was grieving my own abandoning so deeply, then I did have deep love, tenderness, affection, and care for myself. I had so desperately needed my own company and acceptance that when the relationship curtain was pulled, the sight of the neglect was unbearable.
Little by little that presence, awareness, and allowance gave way to trust and safety within on a level I hardly thought possible. I was able to stand by myself, with all that meant, my ups and downs, my strengths and weaknesses.
I haven’t since looked at romantic relationships in the same way. I haven’t since looked at any kind of relationship in the same way.
I still remember the night of April 16th as a sad and painful one, but as the distance between me and that night has grown, a fuller picture has come into view that leaves me utterly indebted and grateful to the events that came to pass.
The night of April 16th was a rude awakening to a reality that demanded and ignited an important part of my healing—one that, in all likelihood, saved my life. I was blessed.
A Course in Miracles says that we are never upset for the reason we think. Just as words point toward something but aren’t themselves what they mention, the happenings in our lives and our reactions to them point to greater truths, but aren’t themselves the truth.
If we take it upon ourselves to see what inside of us they are pointing toward, all grievances become opportunities to heal and love ourselves.
Photo by Sandy Manase
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Amazing post, Mel.
Yes i agree… That feeling of self worth and compassion provides the foundation on which love and relationship with others can grow.
Its like they say – “You can’t give others what you don’t have yourself.”
If you want to know more details about self-worth, check out – http://gameligit.com/self-esteem-foundation-joy-peace/
Thank you, Vishal,
I’m very pleased that you liked the post!
You are absolutely correct, if love is to grow it needs fertile ground. The tricky part is, you cannot fill your well hoping that someone will come and have a drink, only self love and compassion without conditions or agenda can truly set us free.
Also thank you very much for your link, I will certainly give it a read.
Warmly,
Mel
Thank you for sharing this very powerful moment in your life with us. My day is Nov 1st.
And even today. 7 months later it’s still a work in progress . She did it to me before many years ago. And this time its even harder but every day is getting warmer outside and so is my heart. Some day it may finally thaw out.
Dear Foosa,
Thank YOU for sharing. I’m very sorry that you are in pain, but I’m hopeful that it is for you as it has been for me, that the pain becomes an opportunity for transformation and healing. Patience and presence dear Foosa! You will be surprised at how eager your heart is to mend itself beautifully!
Enjoy spring!
Mel
Vishal! I placed my response to you as a comment instead of a reply, sorry! Thank you for your comment. Here it goes again:)
Thank you, Vishal,
I’m very pleased that you liked the post!
You are absolutely correct, if love is to grow it needs fertile ground. The tricky part is, you cannot fill your well hoping that someone will come and have a drink, only self love and compassion without conditions or agenda can truly set us free.
Also thank you very much for your link, I will certainly give it a read.
Warmly,
Mel
Awesome piece! Thanks so much for sharing your experience so beautifully. I bookmarked it for when a reminder is needed. 🙂 My “day one” was 2/11 and I am so thankful for the lessons it has brought.
Thank you for your kind words Lisi!
It’s great to hear your positive perspective.
Yea, I’m blown away by the gifts that such shattering moments can bring! Wouldn’t trade them in for anything. A good thing to remember when things get rough: if you give them a chance they polish you up and make things soooo much smoother!
All the very best to you!
Mel
i too, am heartbroken and because of that, i am now on a quest on finding that eternal love to myself. wish me luck
Hey Nad!
Sounds like you’re moving in the right direction! No luck required, your love is there for you, guaranteed and waiting with eternal patience:)
thank you, i appreciate your words very much
Any time, Nad! Stay strong and don’t forget to breathe deep:)
nicely written Mel! loved your article your dad was right some mens are like buses you just have to leave that bus sometimes. 🙂
Your story is all too similar to mine and I just recently went up and over the hump of self-acceptance and finding strength in myself, rather than relying on a relationship as the basis of my foundation. When my foundation crumbled to pieces in my recent divorce, it was a wake up call to open up and explore my feelings and emotions. My day was March 24 and I will forever be grateful that I “woke up.” Thank you for sharing your story and I agree that looking at relationships now is completely different and enlightening.
In February of 2012 my relationship of 24 years ended when my husband walked out the door leaving me devasted and heart broken. I went through an almost identical journey of grief and recovery. To rediscover my strong and authentic self and along the way thanked him for setting me free. The key for me was listening to myself when going through the throws of pain and tears and really being aware of what thought patterns were fueling them. At the time I didn’t realise it but it truly was an enlightening and purging experience which has led me to a life with no emotional baggage to take into the next relationship if I so choose to do so. At the moment I’m relishing the joy of life just being me.
Thank you Mr Chris! 🙂
It’s wonderful to read that you took that obstacle as an opportunity to look inward and wake up to yourself! You use the word Grateful, and you are right, the form of some of these lessons can lead us to resent them, but the content of what we learn if we open ourselves to them is a blessing indeed!!
I wish you every happiness!
Holy mackerel! Such an inspiring comment, Kat! Thank you so much for sharing and my deepest admiration for your courage and gentility in allowing this to open your heart further!
Love and light to you!
Thank you very much Krutika!
This is true, and also remembering there’s nothing wrong with the bus, but if it isn’t going where you’re going, it’s just not your ride, right? 😉
Amazing article!! It so clearly describes exactly what i felt; why i was so hurt and sad if i was so unhappy in the relationship and knew all along it wasnt what I wanted.
UNBELIEVEABLE….that is the only word I can think of for this post…..this was MY life…. 40 years of yearning….eating myself to death over an unrequited love story….now in a 12 step program (as is he) and I can honestly say, a miracle happened in our lives…both of us in recovery….learning to love ourselves…..renewing the relationship….friends forever with love and respect…..could I ask for more? I think not! Gratitude …thy will be done…..prayer/meditation/serenity…..It was meant for me to see this post today….there are NO accidents in life~
Dear Nancy,
Thank you for commenting! I have goosebumps! Gratitude and alignment with the will of a love without opposites, here is where it’s at!
Cheers!
Mel
I never thought in a million years that someone could relate to my story….thankyou again for posting…..Life is truly BEAUTIFUL~
Mel, thanks so much for that article. I found it eerily familiar, even down to the terminology you used, to what I’m going through now. It was a great comfort. I came to the realisation that I wasn’t just grieving the loss of my relationship, I was also grieving the loss of myself. All of my principles, values, and instincts I deliberately tried to mute or overlook in the face of unfair treatment and fear of losing, and all of my spent inner-strength, that had been used trying to hold together an increasingly corroded relationship. It created a disconnect between the true me, and the guy trying desperately to repair and steer the relationship. It exposed a void in me, that I can only, and must only endeavour to fill with myself, my own life, goals, aspirations. I’m doing it the hard-but-proper way, cold-turkey, allowing myself to feel every bump in the road…and this will hopefully create a strong foundation that one day will enable me to be happy with somebody else…and never use them as an escape from my grief. Wonderful post…I’m struggling for inspiration at times while going through this process, and your article really made me feel hope if I hang in there. All the very best 🙂
Thank you Ana!
I guess we’re all in this together, moving through the lessons and healing our interpretations. I hope you are feeling aligned with your loving self in a non self-judgmental place.
Much light and wellbeing to you!
Mel
Dear Steve,
Thank you very much for your comment. I am blown away by how collective our human experience indeed is. Ultimately we have only two choices, open our eyes or keep them closed. I am certain that if you navigate your inner “landscape” with acceptance, patience, presence and compassion, what you will find is that love is your foundation, and in that love there is nothing to fear.
With warmth and my best wishes to you,
Mel
🙂 sigh!
Wise words! I need to rediscover myself, and show myself the love that I have been directing outwards. “What is the love of your life if not your own love?” was a brilliant sentence and one that will stick in my mind over the coming weeks. Thanks again, I’ve bookmarked your article and I imagine I’ll re-read it at times 🙂
Hello Mel,
Sincere thanks on this article. i think you’ve conveyed rightly what many of us struggle to express and have experienced and witnessed. a brilliant piece of work.
My date was December 19th 2013.
I was in a long term committed serious relationship once before, for 3.5
years, until she decided to break it. I’ll admit, once that happened, i didn’t
really fight for it. Normally when someone breaks up with someone, your initial
reaction is to prove them wrong, win them back, and list all the reasons why
you are meant to be. But with her, i never did. I think i knew it was done.
Breakups are hard, and being broken up with is hard. Sometimes it’s pretty
damn brutal, especially if you were completely invested in the relationship and
never saw it coming. Being forcibly torn out of something you had your whole
heart submerged in is quite possibly one of the cruelest kinds of comedown.
It’s complete emotional torture to watch someone that you love so much just
completely turn on you without any warning at all, and then eventually end the
relationship without even sitting down to talk and try to save the
relationship. In my opinion, being a person that “checks out” of a healthy
relationship is a serious character flaw that will prevent one from ever having
a healthy and lasting relationship. Not only that, but people who do that do
not deserve to be in a good relationship because they only care about
themselves and what is making them happy at that moment.
sometimes, when we are in something, we don’t see how toxic it actually can be.
We see no other way. We don’t see how it gets better than it is. You’ve got to
embrace discomfort. It’s the only way you can put yourself in situations where
you can learn & can keep your senses fresh once you’re there…and sometimes
it takes something so powerful, so devastating, so unbelievable, to get our
attention. To get it through our heads that there is another way to live. There
is another path waiting for us. And it’s filled with joy, and love, and people
who care.
And so i realized it wasn’t going to matter to patiently pick up broken
fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole
was as good as new. What is broken is broken – and i’d rather remember it as it
was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as i lived.for a
long time, i felt like it ruined me. It was like an old building being torn
down. It destroyed my world. But when the dust settled, it was like a clean
slate, and it left me feeling empowered. It wasn’t easy. But in my heart, i
knew it was the right choice. I didn’t know why, but i just knew. It was time
for a change. For that, i will always be grateful.
“’I survived!’ This was what ran through my whole body, it was what seemed to resonate in every corner of my life. I had survived the wreckage of a broken heart, now it was learning to live in the truth of that statement; learning to not let the next crash kill me.”
…….I Am Grateful.
In Love, In Light, In The Clouds…
Clint
right!
Ah! Thank you for writing this. I am experiencing terrible heartache. But I realize I have also been developing coping skills through this process. It is so painful, but very necessary to remain true to ourselves and to love ourselves in the process, especially when we feel unlovable. We are more than worthy and lovable, but we have to see it ourselves first.
I happened to read this as I sit at home, ill in bed. This story really resonates in my mind. My day was Jan 25, 2014. I was involved with someone older than I for 7 months and it was the most painful breakup I’ve had. It ended 4 months ago. This was an individual, based on his recountings to me, who had never had a normal, kind gf. The first few months were quite romantic, even passionate. He revealed that he was in love with me. I gave him attention, love, cared for him if he was ill, spoiled him rotten, yet I still gave him his space. Initially, I was very hesitant because of my own experiences but I dropped my guard and let him into my heart. Around the 4th month, he began making little off handed comments here and there which I initially brushed off. It came to a head in January when we broke up, he came off very cold, saying at one point that he did love and another that he didn’t. It hurt terribly. I cried so much when he was doing this. How could he? I finally calmed down enough to drive and go back home with all belongings when he lost it. He was crying very hard and was very upset. I had no idea what to do so I held him tightly and he kissed me with such passion and love. It startled me and scared me. We parted ways. I heard from him the day after and he told me He missed me, to ring him if I ever needed anything. The day after that, he was very cold when I rung him. That was the last time I spoke to him. I emailed once after 3 weeks to tell him I would always care for him and that I hoped we could smile at one another one day even if we’re with other partners. He responded with received. It hurt a great deal But at that point, I let him go. It’s 4 months later, it still hurts a little. My sister told she thinks she saw him with someone else but wasn’t sure if it was him. By her description, it was unlikely but nonetheless it upset me and bothered me. Mel, I’ve tried dating the last couple of months. I’m a bigger girl so it is hard at times to meet guys. But I find myself almost not wanting to date. I’ve been through so much already to deal with snide comments or rejections. The breakup left me bewildered yet I still try online dating. I guess at this point I feel I need to love myself more, be proud continue to workout. I’m a good person,.educated, employed, passionate about life, loving, into many interests. I hope one day, someone sees me, realizes what I’m about and I find my life partner. But until then, it’s me time..I don’t have the answers and I wish I knew why my exbf was the way that he was with me, but eventually that peace will come. That is my hope. Thx for sharing.
Hi Anna,
I can totally relate to you. You seem like a great person with a good heart. I would try not to date while in this kind of emotional transition. What I would do is try to date yourself. Go do things that make you happy, focus on what you want and not what you want others to want about yourself. If you are happy and love yourself, you will begin to attract that in others. People have a tendency to be attracted to people who have a strong sense of awareness, and if you’re sad and down, it wont allow others to see the light in you. I am doing my best to do this for myself, but I also dread dating again. I don’t want to date at the moment, but I do want love and happiness again. Do not lose sight of that.
Mel, thank you for this. I am currently in the throes of a painful breakup. My “day” was December 27, 2013, though to be honest, the relationship deteriorated into a slow death over many months prior to that. Your words have touched me and reminded me to keep focus on my personal growth, to learn the lessons this relationship presented to me and to have faith that life happens perfectly. I appreciate your reference to A Course in Miracles, as it is part of my journey of rediscovering and loving myself. John Mundy offers a wonderful audiobook expanding on the lessons of the Course that I would recommend to anyone interested.
Hey there Wigirl,
Man I’m sorry to read that you are currently in pain. I do believe a valuable step in healing is to admit without resentment that what ended was not good for you, and in that sense, the ending, painful as it may be, is a blessing for everyone involved.
A Course in Miracles has been the most wonderful tool for healing and forgiveness, I also recommend you look at Nouk Sanchez and Tomas Viera’s book: The Development of Trust. It addresses relationships and projection beautifully.
I send you my very best, and am certain that you will come out of this stronger, clearer and more loving.
In kindess and gratitude,
Mel
Dear Anna,
Thank you for your comment.
I can tell you’re hurting, actually as I read I could feel what you described because I’ve been there too.
I suppose the path and process can vary for each of us and it is up to us to find ways of coping that honor who we are. There was one particularly helpful approach that expedited my healing and left me in a space of full forgiveness, that was: completely letting go of the narrative and focusing on nonresistance and recognizing myself in my feelings. When I took back the things I had attributed to the relationship and him, I took back my power to heal at the deepest level.
If you don’t feel prepared for dating, don’t do it just yet, but I would also say, don’t force yourself to a particular set of rules: YES/NO, GOOD/BAD. Instead, be gentle with yourself and connect with your intuition and your peace on a moment to moment, day by day basis. Be flexible with yourself.
Body image is one of the first things to suffer when our relationships go down the drain. Here’s a thing to remember: Have you noticed how we can feel great, even thinner one day, and terrible the next? Our minds dictate what our eyes will see, so in a very real sense, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Follow whatever path rings true for you, but above all else, accept, love and respect yourself for who you are this very second with everything that means. Summon up love for your self that resembles the love of a mother for her child, in full acceptance and tenderness.
When your love and acceptance for yourself transfers from being negotiable to being unconditional, your eyes will see what’s really there:)
Have fun and enjoy your life miss Anna, I wish you wonderful things now and in the future!
Hi there Clint,
Thank you very much for your kind words and for sharing your story!!
Choosing to use this experience to discover your relationship and love of yourself makes it a valuable transformative event. From this transformation great things come to light:)
Ultimately there is no greater gift to ourselves and the world than gratitude in awareness and complete forgiveness, and who better (and harder) to totally forgive than an ex? 😉
All my very best to you,
Kindly
Mel
Thanks, Mel 🙂 I will add The Development of Trust to my reading list.
Thank you, Mel, for your kind words. Yes, I agree. I see myself on a journey right now, path to self discovery. I know the path is treacherous yet fun and I look forward to it. I totally agree with everything you said. I’ve also learned to trust my instincts rather than ignore them. Slowly, but surely self love is something I see myself doing every day. Thanks so much for sharing your story, for reading mine and offering insight. :~) I also wish you great luck. :~)
Mel,
I am going to echo the thoughts here and say THANK YOU for being so open with your experiences and exposing them in this foray. It has been a little over 1 year since I too experienced a similar situation that rocked my world as well; my failed marriage of almost 13 years. Since then I have made so many new changes, discoveries and experiences and while it wasn’t easy (I found myself occasionally meeting new pieces of flotsam in the ocean of people to cling to for a short time) I have finally reached a place where I respect myself enough to pre-filter out the “bad” things before they become new problems.
You hit the nail on the head that it becomes less about blame and more about true expectations on both sides. This has caused me to really look at what I value in a relationship and at the heart of it, what I value about myself.
The pain becomes something you appreciate more and more not for how it felt but for what it allowed you to see and do. Your final statements are similar to thoughts I’ve been having lately in regards to happiness. Instead of letting a negative situation control you, turn it into a way to gain greater understanding and healing…and ultimately appreciation.
Agreed. Yeah, I stopped looking to be honest. I work a lot, meditate and I workout. Keeps me busy enough. :~) it’s hard, isn’t it? But I have hope. You should too. You sound very sweet with a good head on your shoulders. Thanks for the advice And your kind words. :~)
Mel, when I was reading this, I truly felt as though I had written it since I too broke up the beginning of April and all resonated with me. I went through the exact experience and pain you went through, but in the end, I learned more about myself than in any other past relationship, probably because I am more mature and aware. Also I had to dig deep inside me to understand why I was so distraught even if I wasn’t “in love” with him. I too wanted the “idea of him” and not necessarily him and that took me a while to realize. I also felt the distance and even if we discussed it, it was not enough. I actually wrote an article just recently about the lessons I learned and I am actually grateful that I took the time, this time, to write it all down so that I don’t make the same mistakes in future relationships: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/monica-miranda/breakup-lessons_b_5261221.html. Thank you for writing this as it was reassurance that I did the right thing. We are going to be okay and hopeful that we are going to find the one for us 🙂
Thank you Monica!
I just read your article and found it insightful and a great list to refer to especially as a couple:) I particularly loved number 15 on your list: Enjoy the Here and Now. This is something to remember under every condition, and a wonderful practice for all of us, no matter where in the journey we find ourselves.
Here’s to April breakups and the wonders they bring!
Cheers!
With kinds and gratitude,
Mel
Wow Phil,
Thank you so much for your comment, I really appreciate your kind words and your willingness to share your process. I think you have a wonderful point when you talk about filtering out the “bad” before it becomes a problem. I couldn’t agree more. And this needn’t come from fear or ambivalence, but out of honesty with self.
It’s inspiring to see where you have taken this!
Thanks again and all my best to you!
Mel
MsMae!
Totally, we are all undeniably worthy! And cultivating love and compassion for ourselves generates inevitable ripples of wellbeing in our outer lives, when we learn that the process works from the inside out and that the only place we can effect change is on the inside we are the ones at the wheel:)
Thank you so much for your comments!!!!
I wish you all the very best,
Mel
Thank you for posting this. Your story is really inspiring.
Thank you for saying that, Talya:) It means a lot!
You are so right about not coming from fear. I’ve always tried to live honestly but I have embraced it so much more now as I have come to realize so many problems arise from our general fear of just saying what is on our hearts. I can remember NOT saying things or saying them in a way that I felt was more “proper” only to realize now that the point of communication is just that: making sure the other person knows precisely where you are.
Best to you too, Mel!
Phil,
Good for you! For so many of us this is a truth that comes too late. What an empowering way of moving forward! One thing I’ve also found in communication is to communicate to be understood, and to do that we need to first understand ourselves, second, translate that to the language of the receiver.
I hope your day is as good or better than mine has been!
Dear Talya,
Already having the courage to accept how you feel is a HUGE step in self loyalty. The wonderful thing about all the “rock-bottoms” we hit in life is that they’re the most solid place upon which to stand, dust yourself off and look at the depths of who you are. Making peace with the meaning you have given both the relationship and its ending will fast forward your healing exponentially. From here you can dis-identify with that event in your life and transcend it. You are not your struggle, or your past, and you can be free!
My experience is that these are valuable processes that can present turmoil but offer us great expansion in the long run. Let fear pass through you, feel it but don’t believe it.
Sending you love and light,
Mel
Thanks again, Mel…sorry to hear yours isn’t so great. Better things on the horizon for you! And yes, understanding ourselves is a lifelong lesson, I think.
Thanks Phil!!
I’m actually in great shape now! And so happy to be able to say that with total honesty and gratitude. Again, I loved your comment!
Kindly,
Mel