“True love is born from understanding.” ~Buddha
I believe one of our strongest desires in life is to feel understood.
We want to know that people see our good intentions and not only get where we’re coming from but get us.
We want to know they see us. They recognize the thoughts, feelings, and struggles that underlie our choices, and they not only empathize but maybe even relate. And maybe they’d do the same thing if they were in our shoes.
Maybe, if they’d been where we’ve been, if they’d seen what we’ve seen, they’d stand right where we are now, in the same circumstances, with the same beliefs, making the same choices.
Underneath all these maybes is the desire to feel validated.
We’re social creatures, and we thrive when feel a sense of belonging. That requires a certain sense of safety, which hinges upon feeling valued and accepted. But those feelings don’t always come easily.
There was a time when one of my relationships felt incredibly unsafe. I never felt understood or validated, and worse, I often got the sense the other person didn’t care to understand me.
When you’re the one withholding the comfort of understanding, it can imbue you with a sense of power. And it also creates a sense of separation, which, for some, feels safer than closeness.
This person often assumed the worst of me—that I was selfish and weak—and interpreted things I did through this lens.
They would belittle my beliefs and opinions, as if they warranted neither consideration nor respect.
And they would even make fun of me when I tried to share my thoughts and feelings, minimizing not only my perspective but also my personhood. Like I had no value. Like I wasn’t worth hearing out. Like I didn’t deserve respect.
It hurts.
It hurts to feel like someone doesn’t care to see where you’re coming from or hear what you have to say.
It hurts to feel like someone is more committed to misunderstanding you than developing any sense of common ground.
It hurts to feel invalidated.
We often take that pain and churn into anger. Or at least that’s what I did.
I fought. I screamed. I cried. I tried to force them to see my basic goodness and view the world from my vantage point.
I tried to impose my will upon them—the will to be valued and heard—regardless of whether they were willing or capable of giving me those courtesies. And I caused myself a lot of pain, all the while justifying this madness with an indignant sense of righteousness.
Because people should try to understand. People should treat each other with respect. People should be kind and loving and open. Because that would make the world feel safe.
But here’s the thing I’ve learned: Should is always a trap. Things will never be exactly as we think they should be, and resisting this only causes us pain.
But more importantly, there’s something more empowering than trying to force other people to be who we think they should be—and that’s being that person ourselves.
In this case, I realized, that meant understanding the person who wouldn’t or maybe couldn’t understand me.
Remember what I wrote about separation feeling safer for some than closeness?
This was actually a huge insight for me. That perhaps when someone seems unwilling to embrace me with understanding, it’s more that they’re unable to let me in, for reasons I might not ever know.
I actually did a lot digging to try to understand what would make someone—and specifically, this someone—closed off to understanding. What pain could have hardened their heart so dramatically? As often happens when you dig, I found a lot to explain it.
I found unresolved traumas that likely led to deep feelings of shame and vulnerability—which likely cemented into a need to always be and appear strong. Impenetrable. And when you’re impenetrable, not much can get in. Not new ideas, and definitely not attempts at deep connection. Which is really sad when you think about.
Sure, it hurts to feel someone doesn’t understand you. But can you imagine the pain of rarely understanding anyone because letting someone into your heart actually hurts? Can you imagine living life so guarded, so scared, constantly hiding—and possibly without even realizing it?
I’ve come to believe that when someone won’t make any effort to understand us, this is usually what it comes down: deep pain that’s blocking them from love.
They might be shut down to everyone. Or specific ideas that trigger something from their past. Or maybe we, ourselves, are the trigger.
Maybe we remind them of something they want to forget. Maybe our very presence forces them to come face to face with something they’d rather avoid.
I remember reading an article once about the contentious relationship women often have with their mothers-in-law. The author used, as an example, a mother-in-law who always complained about her daughter-in-law’s couch, and then wrote, “You never know. She may have been raped on a couch that looked just like yours.”
This hit me hard. The thought that everyone has secret pains, sequestered in shame, that often manifest in hurtful behaviors.
I know I’ve been there before. Though I’m not proud to admit it, I’ve shut people out or shut them down because they’ve triggered something painful in me. Knowing this, I understand how pain can bring out the worst in us.
Considering this doesn’t justify disrespect or mistreatment of any kind. It doesn’t condone abuse. But if we really want understanding, maybe the key is to choose understanding.
Maybe the secret is to broaden our perspective beyond what would make us feel safe in a moment so we can do our part to help create a greater sense of safety for everyone we encounter.
Maybe by choosing to offer understanding, we can influence the people around us to heal their pains so they can one day open their heart a little wider. When they’re ready. When they feel safe.
So what’s the best thing to say to someone who doesn’t understand you? I think it’s, “I understand that you can’t understand.”
I think it’s accepting the other person where they are, even if you have no idea where they’ve come from or what’s driving them.
Because even if we don’t know the specifics, we can know there’s some explanation—some complex web of past events and psychological factors that make them who and how they are.
This isn’t easy to do.
It often requires us to create boundaries, whether that means avoiding specific conversations or even creating physical distance in that relationship.
It requires us to pause and connect with our deepest intentions before reacting impulsively, defensively, in anger.
And it also requires us to mourn and let go of the relationship we hoped to have, knowing we’re offering the kind of compassion and consideration to someone else that they may never be able to give us back.
I take comfort in knowing this is the higher road, not because I feel superior on higher ground but because it’s less painful there—for me, and for everyone I encounter in my life.
When I choose to be the change I wish to see, it’s less important to me that everyone else sees me, values me, gets me, and understands my good intentions—because I do. Because I know I am coming from a place of love, kindness, and integrity.
And this is a strong foundation for navigating a world full of hurt people who aren’t ready or able to love.
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
- Web |
- More Posts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
You’re most welcome. That’s been a big part of mine as well!
Thank you for your inspiration. Part of my healing journey is learning that the only “thing” I have control over is myself. The simplicity of this is stunning.
I read this, and it both dried some tears and released some more as well. Understanding within the times of love, family, friends, lovers…..Often understanding can be such an incredible challenge, and not just due to someones desire, or not, but due to practice, experience and ability.
Sometimes individuals are only able to guess at another’s feelings. Various factors taking away the ease at what many expect. So important to be aware of other’s and how they maybe are not coming from a place as similar as yours. So as why the understanding is SO CHALLENGING. Then what do we do…..
I write, read, reflect, meditate, get outside, open to what I don’t know, and embrace the unknown, along with kindly speaking my truth. Kindness is essential, we’re not perfect, just keep trying, that’s all.
Thank you Lori
it’s so true & i have been with such a kind of person since 2.5 yrs & every now & then this person goes into that mood which block’s everything… and i have always felt hurt when this happens.
Lori Deschene, May I know what should be the approach to deal in this situation?
Damn, your article describes so well my relationship with my father.
Him being extremely closed off, I always said I see him as a wall, high and impenetrable.
And I have been angry, enraged, saddened, begging, hoping, cajoling, asking, manipulating, trying everything to get him to see me, to really see me and to hear me. Without success. But with lots of pain and emotional scars.
In recent years I have more and more distanced myself from him, and have slowly come to give up on him. He will never open up. By now he is 80 years old. It will not happen.
And so my question is indeed on how to live my own life. How to give myself, to be myself, that which I could never find in him? How to give to others what he could not give me? And how to protect myself from the pain he gives me in a way, how to honour myself, in a way that is as respectful as possible of the life he has led and the problems he must have encountered?
Thank you for your article. Your words resonate with me and may help me with finding my way forward.
Lori, GREAT post! My how you have grown and developed over the time of your Tiny Buddha site. Simply amazing. Thank you for continuing on your path and sharing your insights, trials and tribulations with us, your followers. Most Kindly, Sarah
Regarding: Understanding Essay
Lori, Lori, Lori……A powerful message!
I am so thankful that you exist and are sharing. Thank you for the Gift of You. Blessings to you for an awesome 😎 day.
Thanks for the article, though to be honest, the hardest thing is when you feel this way towards your family. I don’t know if it’ll be enough to simply tell themyourself that I understand you can’t understand. I think the need to be understood is too great a need. For me personally, I’ve felt this way many times during my life. I’ve always struggled with self-esteem and also I had a learning disability when I was young, which probably contributed to my extreme shyness at an early age. Overtime, I’ve improved and am now just dealing with more normal struggles, but I will say that for me personally, the thing that’s always pulled me back is my belief in God. I know some people may not agree with me, but for me personally, I need to feel understood, and the only one who could was the God of the Bible. So, I would recommend to others to give the Bible a chance, it has similar teachings of kindness, etc., but basically the overall message is that there is someone who will always love you and understands you, and that person is God.
This article- i wish i saw this few months back. My relationship with my fam was always unstable, they never really bothered much about me since they value my older sister and my younger brother much more. A month ago, i finally snapped while crying after having an argument with my parents. Why do i keep concerning myself to make them understand for all those years when i knew they wouldn’t bother listening to me nor thinking from my perspective? I kept trying and trying, hoping they would understand me, our relationship would get better but i finally realized. No matter what happens, they will never be able to understand me unless they try to. It was so heartbreaking, but i’m glad the realization poured onto me. It’s okay if they don’t understand me anymore. I’m on my way to become who i want to be, what i want to do. It’s hard cause it’s been years since i thought about myself.
I think it’s good to recognize that sometimes you have to accept someone’s different position and outlook. However, for me to say that “I understand that you _can’t_ understand” might be received as a backhanded comment. I don’t feel that will soothe an already tense situation.
Well written and thoughtful. I got a lot out of it.
Thanks.
Thanks so much, Sarah, and you’re most welcome! =)
Your comment really touched me, Theresa. I’m glad this spoke to you!
I’m so sorry to hear about your relationship with your father, Harmen.
There’s a lot to unpack in your questions at the end. I don’t know that it’s possible to protect ourselves from the pain of this kind of rejection, but I think we can give ourselves the love we didn’t receive by consistently reinforcing that we are worthy of it. And the more we tell ourselves we’re worthy, and then act on that, the easier it is to extend this same love to other people. There’s a post on the site you may want to check out:
https://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/how-im-mothering-the-wounded-kid-inside-who-just-wanted-love/
Perhaps this will help somewhat…
Lori
Thanks!!!
” He will never open up. By now he is 80 years old. It will not happen.”
Recognition’s the first step in healing yourself. Sounds like you are already on your way toward that.
Thank you for your words, I very much appreciate it. I hope I am on my way. I think so. I know I have quite some ways to go.
The first step is the hardest.
Good luck!
Dear Lori,
Thank you for responding to me. And let me first of all say: thank you! For your amazing initiative Tiny Buddha.
I read back my post and realized that my questions at the end come over as literal questions.
I meant to write them more as questions that I am now in my life trying to answer by living in a way that honours them, that honours who I am and want to be, and that honours those around me, also including my father, as much as is possible without forgetting myself in the process.
You say it strongly: we can give ourselves the love we did not receive, and once we start growing again emotionally, once we start seeing our inherent worth again and believe in it, we can extend our love and compassion to others.
I am trying to live up to these values and aspirations. It is not easy. It is falling and getting up again. But I am learning. I am growing. I am living.
Thank you again, also for the post you shared.
And take care! You have a friend in Northern Norway.
Harmen
I have explained to my children when a particular someone they love doesn’t respond in an understanding way that this individual is colorblind about emotions and doesn’t see what they see. That has helped us all through the years.
Wow. Never commented on a tiny Buddha post before, but this story was so beautiful. You are so insightful and truly an amazing soul. Bless you 🙂
You could replace “can’t” with “don’t,” if you think that would land better. Perhaps that would be more palatable to some!
You’re most welcome! Those are wonderful questions to honor. =)
That’s a great way to explain it! I wish someone told me this when I was young.
You’re most welcome!
Hi Angela,
That’s wonderful that the bible has helped you in this way. I actually don’t believe in God, but I know belief in God can bring a lot of comfort!
Lori
Thank you! 🙂
Thank you so much, H. I’m glad this spoke to you! =)
Hi Nami,
My apologies for the slow response. I somehow missed this before. I’m so sorry about what’s happened with your family. I know how painful this can be, but it sounds like you’ve come to an empowering (albeit difficult) conclusion. If my experience has taught me anything, it’s that everything changes for the better when we practice acceptance and focus on what we can control.
Lori
“So what’s the best thing to say to someone who doesn’t understand you? I think it’s, “I understand that you can’t understand.” Lori, saying that to someone usually only inflames them.
It’s far more powerful, calming and healing for me to say that to myself and leave. I can relate to this on so many levels. My mother, many people in my life in the past, and my abusive apt managers whom I allowed to cause me incredible grief and loss of health, productivity, money and more for over 7 years. Til finally I got it: I realized they simply could not and would not understand. And that sense of POWER you mentioned was obvious because they talked about and used their power, to remind you who had the upper hand. They caused huge issues for about 100 people over the years.
It’s vital to learn to let go. It’s about meeting people where they are. Whatever reasons they are cold-hearted, into power, get off giving people a hard time (apt managers made it very clear they enjoyed upsetting people), just learn when to hold and when to fold. When YOU and I don’t play into their power trip, their insecurities, we benefit. Why they are the way they are is not our problem. Most importantly, as long as they are who they are, the sooner we realize who they are and have as minimal contact with them as possible, the healthier and happier we will be!
If only my younger self learned this years ago. Vital post, thanks Lori!!
“It’s vital to learn to let go. It’s about meeting people where they are”
Yes, exactly! I also wish I learned this sooner, but I’m grateful to understand it now. My relationships are far more peaceful now that I’m better able to accept other people as they are, even if they’re unable to extend this same courtesy to me.
Thanks Lori! Just like most articles on Tiny Buddha, this one speaks right to me. I really like that format of your site, and being able to comment and get feedback on article is important. It’s almost like we get to know one another over time and all this is like one big support group. Due to abuse in my past, I find it very hard to trust people. The fact that I am here right now posting is huge! Most times I look for the slightest thing to confirm to me that someone or something isn’t safe so I could retreat back into to shell out of sight. I understand why, not saying it is healthy to be like that, but hopefully ever so slowly I can start to reach out and share more thanks to people and groups such as this. God bless (or whatever you choose to believe or not)
Hi Gomek ~ My apologies for the slow response! I’ve been on vacation this week. I’m so sorry to hear about the abuse you’ve endured. I totally get the instinct to retreat. I’ve struggled with that as well, and I still have to work at this at times. I’m glad you reached out. =)
This article was so informative, introspective, intuitive and most of all, for me, personally fulfilling. Your article was “right on time,” for me and my present relationship with a close relative, someone who I used to be very close to. Your article was helpful and much needed. Thank you.
You’re most welcome, Susan! Thank you for the compliment. =)
This article helped me so much I saved it to my phone. I have two people in my life who fit this description. Just lately I started to be careful what I shared with them. It has saved me a lot of pain. I am trying to understand where they are coming from and what trauma drives them. Until I understand completely I am affirmed by this article of the need to also protect myself. Thank you so much.
What a wonderful post. My 25 yr old son stopped speaking to me almost a year ago. It breaks my heart but he has a perception of the past that I cannot change and he won’t try to hear my side. He must be so hurt and angry. I don’t know what will happen but I pray he heals his pain.
I’m so sorry to hear about your son, Elaine. I hope you two are able to reconnect and make peace with the past!
Hi Andrea,
I’m so sorry that I didn’t see this when you posted it, but glad to hear it helped! You’re most welcome. =)
Lori
Thank you Lori.
I so recognize this
You’re most welcome!
This is such a good read.
Not just it explained the other side .. of the hedge but also gave me deeper insight of my feelings.
Thanks so much for this — it made a difference in my life. I kept trying to explain how it feels to be misunderstood and denied worth as a person, to someone who chose to run away, who told me that my behaviour was the problem because I wanted to discuss things and he wanted to avoid things. My behaviour was far from perfect but I know that I was not trying to hurt him but rather doing my best to help him and me. This reminded me that *everyone* is doing their best, and some might not yet (or ever) be ready or willing to treat others with respect and kindness, because they feel like they need to protect themselves first. It’s really sad to realize someone you love might be “stuck” there, but important to remember that they are doing their best. And that it’s not possible to make someone understand if they don’t want to, so it’s kindest just to let them go… Even if it’s hard. Thanks again.
You’re most welcome! I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Yes, sometimes that’s the kindest thing, and the only thing, really, we can do.
My husband never understands me….I never feel he is Frank to me……..it s very hard to live with him I don’t feel happy when I see him…..what can be done???
Sadly, some of us have all of the above but also don’t have full control over ourselves. I have ASD/Aspergers, am bi-polar (and medicated) and also in constant pain due to Arthritis and other nervous system issues (also medicated for that..but don’t want to be at all!).. I’ve actually had to understand myself or have insight into my own behaviour others see that i do not.. I do also understand how others feel, even having the same thoughts about pain being kept back keeping someone closed, including similar ideas to the “mother-in-law/Red Couch” issue. I’ve also gone through some unpleasant abuse as a child, a mother that was rather out there, a father that didn’t care, a step father that was a drug dealer and criminal who also basically killed my mother, a first love that almost killed me.. Bla bla. Pass the violin will ya?! Hah.. Yet, i still seem to find most people to be annoying assholes and generally prefer to be alone and reclusive..will that ever change for me? I am also quite easily manipulated.. But i’m kinda getting to the point where a different kind of escapism would be great. To be able to switch off and truly relax – silence and tranquility, something i’ve scarcely had for decades.. The idea of being on my own little island away from everyone is wonderful sometimes. Heck, sometimes i’d rather not be human..in fact i cringe whenever i have to say i am!
Perhaps these days though, we’re all a little bit -too- connected, this could even cause people to feel inferior, like nothing, like ants..maybe we all need an island somewhere?
Or maybe we all need VR? 😉 Though, i mostly prefer AR (Augmented Reality!)
The only thing that keeps me going is hope, my heart is still beating and there are many devices and things in this world left to fix with soldering or code, so..i’m still here! Despite my best efforts not to be a few times when i was a young teen/early 20s 🙂 my biggest failure so far is actually trying to take my own life – though that’s probably a good thing! Probably.. lol depends what mode i’m in.
Keep up this positive stuff though! It’s a refreshing change from all the toxicity, cringe and BS that gets 98% of the coverage and advertising lol
Hey there,
My apologies for the slow response. I somehow missed this before.
I’m so sorry about everything you’ve been through and all you’re struggling with now. It’s inspiring to know that even after all you’ve endured, you still have hope!
I totally get the instinct to escape. Sometimes our constantly connected world can feel a little smothering, especially when you’ve been hurt. Perhaps you could find a little mental island to escape to when you need it. That’s what yoga and meditation provide for me – a little safe space in my mind away from all the chaos that sometimes overwhelms me.
Lori
Thanks for this big share.
Hi Kaia,
So sorry for my slow response! I’m just seeing this now.
Yes, it can be so challenging to understand when we’re left guessing, either because the other person won’t open up, or because they don’t even understand themselves. I think that’s often the case – not everyone has insight into their conditioning, feelings, beliefs, behaviors, etc. It reminds me of the Matt Kahn quote:
“Remember: despite how open, peaceful and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.”
I love what you wrote about kindness and trying. I think that’s really the most and the best we can do.
You’re most welcome!
Lori