“I never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude.” ~Henry David Thoreau
Shock. Rage. Sorrow. Excitement. Terror. These are just a handful of the emotions one experiences in the aftermath of a separation or divorce. Emotional rollercoaster? It’s more like being hit with the speed and velocity of a bullet train.
I should know. After twenty-five years of marriage to a kind and accomplished man, I found myself alone.
Our decision to divorce was neither acrimonious nor cruel; neither sudden nor impulsive. Rather, our decision to file for divorce was an incremental process.
We had more disappointment than hope, more unease with each other than affection and contentment. As difficult as it was to recognize the wrong turns we’d made in our two-plus decades together, we both realized that it was time for each of us to draw a new map.
While my husband remained in the home we had lived in together throughout our marriage and the raising of our daughter, the path on the new atlas of my life led me back to Italy, the country of my birth.
In retrospect, it was far easier to relocate to somewhere radically different from the place I’d called home for thirty years than it was to sit with the equally radical emotions aroused by separating from the person who knew me best.
Once the bags were unpacked, the boxes unloaded, and the small apartment I’d rented in the heart of Rome redecorated, I had to contend with the alien feeling of a naked ring finger and a heart full of pain.
The relief of our separation—no longer would I have to tiptoe around the mounting frustration and disenchantment between us—was short-lived; the rush of excitement at the idea of “a fresh start” evanescent as a shooting star.
With a job from home, only a shoebox of an apartment to tend to, and no wifely duties, motherly chores, or social commitments, I had only one thing to do and one place to go—and that was inward.
It was lonely in there. Where, I kept thinking, was that rock-solid husband of mine who was ready to jump onto the roof at a moment’s notice when the gutters overflowed?
Who would take care of me when I was sick, keep me warm when I was cold, ease me into sleep when I had insomnia? Who would share the beauties of life with me?
How could I live if I didn’t have a partner to love?
I was in profound disbelief (it wasn’t really over); angry (how could my husband let me go?); worried (would I end up begging for scraps of food in Piazza Navona?); ashamed (I should have tried harder); resolved (I’d get him back and we’d make it work), and adrift (life was pointless).
But then resignation arrived, and with it, a certain, glorious freedom. I was divorced, not dead. The questions I had? It was akin to asking a well where I could find a drink of water. And in their absence, new ones arrived: Who were my neighbors in the eternal city? Which interests could I develop? How could I create a routine that nurtured my values? And how could I march in single file?
As I began navigating life alone, I discovered that, while enormously different, a great deal of solace and satisfaction can be found in solitude. If you’re going through a similar transition, consider the following benefits of flying solo:
1. Your imagination will soar.
It’s true: Creativity emerges from quiet and an open agenda. Having long been a writer—but also a wife, mother, homeowner, and full-time corporate executive—I long ago learned to write against distraction.
In my new space, where the only distractions were those I created, my imagination was provoked in ways that I hadn’t experienced since I was a child. Without time- constraints and working to the tune of a television show I wasn’t watching, I found myself freer on the page, more productive, and thoroughly content daydreaming about a daydream.
If thinking of a long, unstructured weekend day fills you with the blues, use it to your advantage. Creative expression, whether through writing, drawing, or dancing, often proves to be cathartic for people.
Paint your way through anger, redecorate a room to lift your mood, or spend an hour imagining the places you have the freedom to explore in your new, unencumbered state.
2. Your life will become entirely yours.
Responsibilities have always been a large part of my adult life. From commuting to the office to hosting dinner parties for my husband’s colleagues, rarely did my former schedule allot much time for what I—and I alone—wanted to do.
In the absence of these duties, I found a surplus of time, energy, and excitement to pursue my passions. A candlelight yoga class? An art-house film on a Tuesday that would have been otherwise dedicated to household chores? Cocktails on a school night? Yes, yes, and yes, please!
I discovered the deliciousness of creating my own schedule and following what called to me rather than what was expected of me—and you are wholly free to do the same.
What fell by the wayside during your relationship—friendships, hobbies, unread novels, moving to the city of your dreams—are exactly where you left them. Only now you have the time and devotion to give them the attention and energy they deserve.
3. You will learn self-reliance.
While I was the master of my own life, I was also the one solely responsible for making sure that such a life worked.
Going from a dual income to one was daunting at first—until I recalled the gift I had for budgeting pre-marriage, which allowed me to buy my first apartment before I turned twenty. A leaky faucet, a flat tire, a frustrating day? I bought a toolset and watched YouTube videos, befriended our local mechanic, and learned that Rainer Maria Rilke was entirely right when he said that no feeling is final.
The more self-reliant I became, the more confident—and happy—I felt.
Should you find yourself in the same place, start slowly but stay determined. Pick one area of your life where you need to become self-sufficient, whether it’s in balancing your checkbook or learning to cook for one. Once conquered, attack the next…and next, and next, and next, until you find yourself surprised that at one time you depended on anyone else at all.
4. You will befriend yourself.
With only myself to please and take care of, I embarked on a new relationship—with myself.
I was tentative at first, much as one is when they first start dating someone new. Would I like a glass of cabernet out of habit because it’s what my husband often ordered, or did I think a Viognier might be a better fit with this dish? Would I like to stay at home and take a bath, or venture out to a café with a newfound friend?
The more I began treating myself with the kindness and attentiveness I showed toward my husband and daughter, the more I got to know myself on a deeper, truer level, realizing how much of what I did and what I ate and how I acted was an act of either submission or compromise.
If you’re in a similar position, listen to your needs, honor your wants (within moderation), and tune in to what your heart is telling you. The more you take care of yourself, the better equipped you will be to deal with the conflicting emotions your newfound single status has likely stirred.
5. You will learn the art of a healthy inner monologue.
Marriage and motherhood don’t leave much room for listening to one’s inner voice—there’s enough noise as it is. Alone, I was introduced to a whole cast of inner players I had silenced out of necessity for years. Some of these voices were unkind—judgmental, condescending, or tempting me in unhealthy directions—but with time and practice, I learned to conduct inner dialogues that were loving, beneficial, and illuminating.
As you set out alone, give yourself the time and space to listen to the voices inside of you. Silencing those that are cold or self-sabotaging will allow you to hear the tenderness and determination of others. And, with time, you will cultivate an ability to listen to what is best for you—and the backbone needed to ignore all the rest.
6. You will find peace with your past.
Those first few months alone were ripe with recrimination. If only I’d done this; if only he’d done that. How could I have done this; how could I have done that? I was reprehensible, a failure, destined for a future of take-out alone and two too many cats. But, again, with time (a true salve for most things), I realized that the old adage is true: Everyone we meet comes into our lives for a reason.
My marriage was not so much a failure as it was a stepping stone on my journey. I had lost, but I had also learned.
If you’re bearing similar grief, consider compiling a list of what you have gained rather than focusing on what you’ve suffered; what you look forward to rather than what you miss.
If you’re anything like me, you’ll find that the greatest lesson of all is that the person you were looking for was right where they were supposed to be all along: within.
About Lauretta Zucchetti
Lauretta Zucchetti’s work has been featured in numerous publications, including Maria Shriver’s The Shriver Report, Literary Mama, Blog Her, Lifehack, A Daring Adventure, and Grown & Flown, as well as in NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH SO HELP ME GOD: 73 Women on Life’s Transitions. An author, life coach, and motivational speaker, she splits her time between Italy and San Francisco. www.laurettazucchetti.com
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Thanks for the beautiful article. Especially the last line!
This is truly a great piece, Lauretta! Thanks for sharing. It’s exactly how I feel, too. My relationship ended last year so being alone felt daunting at first but now I see it as getting reacquainted with a really good friend whom I had lost touch with. And guess what? I love getting to know her again 🙂
I sorely needed to read this lovely article tonight. I’ve been freelance-writing for many years, but have become bored and disillusioned with conjuring up content for money. Your article makes me realize I have a lot of heart-level content to share and, perhaps, my writing career hasn’t ended after all. Thank you.
This article was spot on….. I became a widow almost 3 years ago…. the steps were the same for me…. Finding me again was scary- there were many sad days- and then- I realized- I was still alive and might enjoy life again! Loved it!
A line from a movie spoke to me a few months ago. I have been divorced for less than a year after a 30 year marriage, that, like yours, was not angry or combative, but just slowing went away.
An elderly woman in the movie said,”I have been a daughter, a wife, and a mother … now I just want to be me”. I spent 30 years placing my ex-husband and son’s needs over mine. I was always doing what I was “supposed” to do. In the case of my son, I wouldn’t change a thing, but he’s 28, and has his own life. I can now make decisions without thinking about schools, or carpooling, or how close the airport is. I was always waiting. Waiting for someone to get home from work or school. Waiting for my ex to hear about a job in another city … with another move. Waiting for things to change. But now, my time is mine. Yes, scary, sometimes sad, sometimes thrilled. But mostly adjusting to enjoying being me.
Great post! Wonderful advice and an inspiring piece 🙂
I really like the way you describe your inner process. That is not easy, when the blues suddenly hits you. I lost my husband of 34 years 5 months ago. We already had started our retirement and moved to Mexico. Now I am here alone and I have many ambivalent feelings. I am so used to care and live to love one particular person. There is a part of me now I am now using very little and it feels awkward like I am and I am not myself when alone. Does this make sense?
This beautifully written and full of wonderful insights. I divorced seven years ago after a 20 year marriage and initially felt like my world had fallen apart. Now I would say these past seven years have been some of my happiest.
“Shock. Rage. Sorrow. Excitement. Terror. These are just a handful of the emotions one experiences in the aftermath of a separation or divorce” Lauretta – add bereavement to your list. The thing about that is that there is no possibility of going back. It’s horribly final, and the shock is the worst part. But everything else about your piece rings true.
I am so glad that you like this article, Andrea. Yes, loneliness comes and goes but over time it eases up doesn’t it? Good luck with your new/not so new friend!
Lauretta
Dear Abhai, I am moved that you write from your heart, to me. Yes, to stand “naked” in front of people is sometime not easy but key to spread wisdom and love, if that is what you aspire to do. Thank you for commenting and I am glad that I could help!
Thank you so much!
Lauretta
We grow don’t we? It’s amazing for me too how much happier I am in so many ways, even though the mourning period isn’t over yet (25 years for me). But grow we must, and sometime this kind of situation is for the best. Thank you so much for your comment. I am glad that you are happy at last,
Lauretta
Thank you, Roger. I am sorry to hear about your loss and, if you look closely, you will notice that the same exact emotions of shock, rage, sorrow, excitement (eventually) and terror (when fully recovered) are also true for bereavement, even though the person has left her body and we can’t “see” him or her anymore. I focus on the love that I felt and that is my companion until I have fully recovered, and I hope that you find some solace as well in your own process of healing. All best,
Lauretta
Thank you for commenting on my post Annie. I am glad that it helped, and even more glad that you are enjoying life again. It is comforting for me too that so many people feel or have felt the way I describe in my piece. We are all in this together as they say! Thanks again,
Lauretta
I so relate! I too felt like I had become a cardboard with the picture of ME on it but nothing inside. All the waiting, all the doing for others, all the interminable decisions that had nothing to do with MY life. Now it is in some ways harder, but in so many ways so much better and I hope that it is so for you too. Hang in there. We are strong and we are capable and life is just beginning to smile back at us, again!
Thank you for commenting,
Lauretta
Dear Gina,
I am so sorry about your loss, after so many years and the plans you had about retirement! I can only imagine what it must feel like (mine was 25 years so not as long), and your being confused about your “new” role. I can only encourage you to take time and to be kind to yourself. When we love others (easier to do than loving ourselves) for so long we no longer know “how to” love ourselves and it is a job in and all to itself. Feel free to contact me through my website if you want to chat. Thank you again for being so candid. You are not alone!
Lauretta
PS I didn’t get paid for this piece, FYI. Most of my posts are for free…:-)
Thank YOU for reading it, Supriya, and for your kind comment!
Lauretta
Lauretta, I was surprised AND pleased to read your reply. While there is barely a day that passes without remembering Gillian, over the past (nearly) five years I have “moved on” a surprising amount. Once you give yourself permission to do so, life becomes a lot easier. I like to think that she would be pleased with what I have been up to since that terrible day.
I find this article comforting and helpful. My ex gf broke up with me a month ago and I am still going through all those emotions ( Grief, sadness, anger etc). What I am not able to understand is people that are in far worse situations than me ( Divorce after years of marriage or kids) are able to continue with their lives. And here I am struggling everyday. How did you find that courage Lauretta? Or maybe there is inherently something really wrong with me. I don’t understand.
The thing about a recent break up is that it takes time to heal. My ex fiancee and I broke three and a half years ago. The first few months after we broke up, I experienced exactly what you did. There is nothing wrong with you.
I have also found that reading the book, “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle helped me to look at the past as the past (a set of facts) and not as ‘this happened to me’.
Thank you for this, Lauretta. After being single for over three and a half years, there are days that I truly do feel alone. This article helped me remember that I never am truly alone.
I have read that book before, so as The power of now. It did help for a while.
I have started to think that if people prefer running away from relationship or marriages so that they can get that spark again, my understanding of committed relationship is flawed and old. And I shouldn’t bother with relationship again.
What’s the point? After few years, any relationship will doom to fail because the spark will fade and ‘ work through’ things will start to pop up. And then one will face the cycle of painful emotions again.
I have been single for few years now and I love it! Would take someone flipping amazing to tempt me away. I love having complete independence, no need to comprimise with anyone at all, having my own place all to myself n however i want it, can spend all my time however I want… I would find it really hard to merge now coz I love living like this. Maybe ive become too independant lol but i love it. Yeh relationships can b fun too but so is being single 🙂
Those are good points and I have thought that way as well (being the one who left and regretting it later). Having loved and lost and seeing my friends struggle with their relationships (if those still exist), I realize that what will happen will happen. What matters is what we make of life.
This is so… beautiful. The internal process of yours is described in such a wonderful way. I can relate to this entire piece of writing very well, actually. It seems weird, but that’s just what it is! The depth and the style this is written in, I think it’s just impressive. I want to take a moment to let the author know of my heartfelt gratitude and benevolence towards her. Dear woman, you are awesome;.just keep being you, and keep spreading your word. I resonate with you. Your world must be full of the strongest force of this universe: love.
Thank you, from the very depths of my heart. I have recently separated from my long term partner of 7 years. She was my world and I moved countries twice to be with her. I have also had the feelings of “what could I have done” but I slowly realise that she and I were never meant to be, no matter how much I gave up. Thank you for this little piece of sanity.
Gareth
I feel your pain. I have been with my partner for 11 years and moved out of state twice to be with him. It feels good to know others share similar feelings and experiences.
I am 32 and have been with my future ex husband for 12 years . He asked for a divorce 3 days ago and ripped my heart out of my chest . I am a roller coaster of emotions and can’t imagine being alone . I don’t know myself without me and him. I’ve never lived alone and am terrified of loneliness and change . I am counting my blessings and I have many but right now I am hopeless . It’s a reassuring to read articles like this and see there are others like me even though right now I feel alone . Learning to focus on myself I really hard, especially when I really feel like I have no individual identity. Nowhere to go but forward , but with articles like yours I can breathe a sigh of relief that I will be ok!
How are you feeling now? Has time healed your heart? Xx
25 YRS is too long, the desires must subside by this time. Adaptability, understanding with each other must have grown, love must flourish by this time. Both of u have invested so much love and time and energy in your relationship. Now you do not have that time energy, enthusiasm for new beginning. Did you consult the lonely old ppl. It’s a wrong notion that solitude is sweet.. More you grow old more you need a age old company. Why is there a value for antique? You can still reconcile, just be humble, kill ego. Both of u Stay separate for 6 months and time will certainly heal your differences. 25 YRS is lot of time investment do not break. As body becomes weaker the desires are getting stronger. After 50 we have to retract from desires and say it’s enough,thats the wisdom. Wish you well dear.
Read my above feed, I wud only suggest to reconcile, Wish u well Gina
Katydid, loneliness is painful, just get advice from old lonely ppl. Please reconcile. Men may stay alone but for women lonely life is not easy. Kill ego, change yourself and reconcile, all d best.
Get a companion even if you are in seventies. Loneliness is painful
I changed myself a million times to cater to others. It wasn’t my ego that was the problem, and the divorce wasn’t my idea. I was lonely when my ex was ignoring our son and me to be a workaholic. Now I’m fine.
<3 thank you!
Good for you! It´s not bad at all to be yourself for yourself 🙂
Lauretta,
I found this 5 years later after you wrote it and can’t thank you enough. My wife and I recently separated and while she’s moved on to a new relationship I felt compelled to mirror that same action but recognize that I have an opportunity to reclaim myself and get re-acquainted with me and develop into a better man. I’ll make this short and sweet, your words; while coming from a woman’s perspective spoke deeply to me and I’ll carry them as I embark on this new chapter in my life. God Bless you!
I loved this Ms. Zucchetti…thank you so much. It’s funny.. before meeting my now husband, (soon to-be-ex husband)… I almost married a man from bella Roma. But it was not to be. 1988 was a tough year…. I lost my beloved older brother to AIDS/HIV when he was 29 and I was almost 26… I reeled from that death for years. But while mourning, met another young man from MA and started dating… and became unexpectedly pregnant with my now 30 year old beautiful daughter. What a journey… keeping a pregnancy that was unplanned but becoming a young, new mom to a stunning, amazing soul in my life; staying with a man …her father and eventually marrying because I wanted what I never had in my early life… stability (my mom went thru two divorces to my bio father when I was 5; my stepfather when I was 17) and then having a very planned baby again at 40, my wonderful son. My children are a joy, and were the focus of my life for decades, but they do move on and grow up and don’t need you for the daily survival like ages birth to about 16. My daughter is now a wife to her wife, a wonderful daughter-in-law too, and teacher (like yours truly) and believe it or not.. fighting cancer for the 2nd time. My son is starting his senior year of HS during Covid19 and will be onto new adventures soon… college or gap year or something in between in a flash. His needs took over the this past decade of my life, due to his disability: autism spectrum. So my life has been about my kids, my husband and our life we built together for three decades and I was accepting and happy living through them and making room for me and my goals and dreams here and there when I could. But they were always the ones put on hold first too. Then, when I was 53 and he was 59, his affair came to light… completely shocking… no hints, no suspicions on my part… the wool was so far over my eyes it’s amazing I could see. But see I did… a text from her to him during our first vacation after our daughter had started her cancer treatment. I was reeling from that news for months and finally feeling like things were turning a corner for the better for our daughter and for my marriage after so much stress and worry. Little did I know that the affair… first emotional, then physical … had started long before her diagnosis and continued straight thru it. Nothing stopped it… not even our daughter having cancer. They were entwined. Then I saw her text and the truth, slowly and with much gas lighting, finally came out…the secret texting app, the secret email accounts, the meet ups and more. I entered the darkest period of my life (besides losing my beloved brother decades before) and hit rock bottom. Then a year after … I went to Ireland by myself, along with both American and European teachers, to study and travel and do my own family research for five weeks while my son was safely at his favorite place… his treasured summer camp. I came back and started attending Al Anon meetings in USA (after also attending in Ireland) and learned that much of how I saw his affair, and how I took it so painfully personally, was through the filter of being an ACOA. Then after a year of horrible mourning for the marriage I knew and that was over but still married…tears and cries and more tears and fury and anger and profound mourning for what was over between us… I started, with meetings, to laugh and smile again. I discovered that ACOA’s are masters of people pleasing, putting ourselves second and third in our own life and that I was also mourning the multiple abandonment traumas of my early life.. losing one father to alcoholism and divorce and the other to divorce. I realized how I took too much responsibility for his poor, hurtful choices (we ACOAs are experts at that too) and I became to slowly pull away from his life being mine. Then, slowly, painfully… I reclaimed my life. It was clear that both counseling and marriage counseling was not going to solve what I know new my husband was capable of .. hurting me and bullying me at my lowest points. Al Anon gave me more insight into how to live my life with me at the center of it then any marriage counselor or therapist could. And I am still am trying one day at a time…it’s a daily program of prayer, meditation, more prayer and meetings and not courting the drama and not having expectations that just aren’t going to come to fruition. Unlike what Esther Perl claims..my husband’s affair didn’t make us closer and change our marriage for the better. I have forgiven him but forgetting and getting the trust back is daunting. And what I WANT from a marriage and who I am married to… has changed too. So we are also on the brink of divorce because who were are now is no longer compatible. No one is the bad guy … the affair was an awful mistake.. to go outside the marriage to attempt to fix the problems in it but it’s history now. Unfortunately history he can’t undo and knowledge that I can’t not know. Why he chose that form of rebellion against a marriage and a wife who endured three profound losses of men her life.. a brother and two fathers… I’ll never figure out but that’s not my journey…that’s his. He can ask himself that.. My journey was re-building my self-esteem and not comparing myself to her constantly and trying to believe, that no matter what mistakes I had made in our marriage, this betrayal was not something I deserved. But in some ways I’m grateful because his massive mistake (with a nit wit who was compulsive, unhinged and gave them away; had a criminal record of financial crimes – yes; and I’m fairly certain was going to start blackmailing him for our $$$…yes!!)! has given me the freedom to walk away from a marriage that no longer works for me…and probably no longer works for my soon-to-be ex as well. Now it’s my time and I know it will have lonely points but you know what … living with a spouse who cheated in such a painful way, and at such a painful time period in your family, and with whom you are no longer compatible is damn lonely too. And having had the blessing of a wonderful mom who lived to 88, that I did, and was single after age 55/60… I can say that I was proud of her… because her last two and half decades were about her too. After raising 8 kids (from two marriages) she finally started to making herself her own priority after about 75 and those last 13 were about her, her friends, and just being at the center of her own life. I wish she had stared sooner but seeing my now 88 year old MIL (mother in law) still stuck in role of care-taker to very elderly husband and focused still on him and her kids ..all over 60… I’m glad and grateful I had my mom’s way as a role model. And most women ARE single/ alone at the end of life and seem their happiest then. Whether thru widowhood or divorce, after age 75 most women are no longer married, and seem like the happy 10 to 16 year old girls they once were before the focus became boys (if heterosexually oriented) and coupling and building a life as a two-some. They become their authentic younger selves again and it’s a beautiful thing. Is it perfect? No. Is growing older and old in marriage that doesn’t work anymore perfect either…No. Nothing is perfect. Acceptance for what you can’t change and asking God for serenity to accept that and do what I can change and change who I can (me) … has been a game changer for me. So thank you for your article … and maybe I’ll come back to Bella Roma and look up that young man, now almost 60 year old, and see if we can’t have that latte or cappuccino together and catch up on the last three decades. Or maybe not and I’ll just be me with me. Peace to us all here and one day at a time.
I have just read this article this evening, 7 years on from the original date of posting. Having broke up with my fiance only 3 months ago I needed to read this. Sometimes I think I’m over the worst of it, then BAM, an incredible sense of loss and feelings of immense sadness overcome me. I feel as if I’ll always grieve for the loss of this relationship. I hope you’re all doing well all these years later and are happy.