“We must never be afraid to be a sign of contradiction for the world.” ~Mother Teresa
I’ve felt like I was different ever since I was in elementary school, when my personality started to settle and I came to realize I didn’t look, think, feel, learn, or act like my peers.
Back in the eighties and early nineties it seemed that there weren’t many labels to catalog people by, but still I knew I was different, and teachers and classmates made sure I knew it. “Freak” or “weirdo” were two of their favorite names.
In current times there would be many labels to identify me with: ADD, ADHD, dyslexic, depressive, and antisocial, among other medical terms. Socially, there are many other labels to box me in: problematic, troublemaker, weird, crazy, and dramatic, among others.
Labels seemed to be used to put me into boxes so shrinks, teachers, and the world could try to understand me.
The world tends to see what is different as something ugly and wrong, as if anything “abnormal” is something needing to be fixed.
If I were to see myself through the eyes of the world, I’d be frightened to look at myself in the mirror.
As the years went by the bullying didn’t stop. Everyone knew me by a thousand different names, except the one my mother had given me. I didn’t mind; I actually preferred for them not to use my name. I didn’t want them to taint it with their harsh voices.
In high school, I wanted to have friends and be a part of something; I wanted to feel like I wasn’t a freak. I tried really hard to fit in, but trying to be something I wasn’t became emotionally draining.
My father could see this and told me, “Ducks fly in flocks and eagles fly alone.”
I didn’t want to be an eagle. I wanted to be a duck, because they had company.
I started smoking to fit in with the “cool” group, dating boys I wasn’t even interested in (it was what girls my age did), and I learned to laugh and keep my mouth shut when I saw any injustice being done.
I once screamed and burst into tears when I saw one of my “friends” kill a bee out of fun. I couldn’t understand how someone could take away the life of such an innocent being intentionally.
After being bullied for my reaction, they started calling me “crazy” and so… what did I do? I started killing bees.
I loathed myself. I had turned into this person I didn’t like for the sole purpose of “fitting in.” But at the same time I hated what I was, I hated being oversensitive, stupid, a daydreamer, rebellious, and sad.
I wasn’t happy with my physical appearance either. The body I had at twelve years old remained the body I would have for the rest of my life—extremely skinny and no curves.
People, assuming I had an eating disorder, would thoughtlessly say, “Eat something. Skinny girls are not pretty.” It was just my anatomy, different to that of the voluptuous Mexican bodies women have in this part of the world.
Then, a boy came my way. We became good friends, and because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings and lead me on, he asked if I could pretend to be his girlfriend.
Marcus was gay. He couldn’t stand the idea of being different and showing it to the world. He needed a fake girlfriend to take home to his parents, to brag about to his friends, and to walk around town with, showing he was “normal.”
We were teenagers, and our self-esteem was determined by the acceptance of society.
He knew how I felt for being different and not being able to fit in. I had a different mindset and he had a different sexual orientation. It was in our differences where we found a unity that forged a beautiful friendship.
A few years later Marcus found the courage to “come out.” His parents supported him. He lost many friends but made new ones and could be entirely himself around them.
There was no more pretending. He found acceptance within his heart, even if the world around him shamed him. He became comfortable within his own skin, and that to him was happiness.
I came to understand that the criticism came, not because we were wrong (we weren’t horrible human beings), but because we were different to them (society). In their mind, their way of thinking and acting was right, so anything that navigated away from that was wrong.
It was their limited mindset that created in them an inability to accept other people’s differences. But that wasn’t our problem; we weren’t what they saw.
Our problem came from the fact that we had given them the power to control our self-esteem instead of finding that acceptance and love within ourselves.
As more years passed, experience taught me a deeper understanding about my place in this world.
I came to forgive and love myself because I was never ugly, stupid, antisocial, or psychotic, as the world saw me. I felt like that because I was looking at myself through their eyes instead of my own.
Even through university I had to deal with the stigma of being considered stupid by my peers, for having bad grammar and spelling mistakes. To them my intellectual capacity was determined by my writing skills instead of the content of my writing.
Fortunately, professors admired the intellectual content of my papers and the different perspective I had for connecting the dots and analyzing issues. I graduated top of my class, because dyslexia is not a disability; it’s a different perspective to what ordinary learning offers.
ADD or ADHD have never existed in my mind. I simply block out lame and boring lectures I’m not interested in, and when I find myself in an environment I dislike, my mind travels away to the beautiful world of my imagination.
I am selective with my friends, not antisocial. I don’t wish to surround myself with people that undervalue me or with whom I don’t feel comfortable.
I am not a troublemaker, but I refuse to stand by while I see any injustice being done. I am not rebellious; I just refuse to follow rules that go against my values. I’m not dramatic, I am passionate.
Yes, I cry a lot. I was born crying and I’ve never stopped. However, it is not because I have chronic depression (I have battled depression and it is a term I wouldn’t use lightly).
It is because I am oversensitive, and even as a child I could see what people rarely saw or simply didn’t care about: corruption, poverty, injustice, and cruelty, among other issues. This affected me profoundly, and still does. I am empathetic toward others’ suffering.
I wasn’t a duck, and even if being an eagle can be lonely, the view from the top gives life a wider perspective and a deeper understanding. Although my journey hasn’t been entirely lonely, it is definitely a less traveled one.
I’ve met wonderful people with whom I can be myself, and even if I don´t have thousands of friends, I have a few who are worth the world.
Different is what I’ll always be, because I don’t match with the preferred educational, economic, religious, and social systems that want to shape me into a predesigned mold that I can’t fit into.
Everyone wants you to be what is best for them, not what is best for you. Wanting to please everyone and be what is socially acceptable stole my personality away.
However, by accepting myself, I came to realize that I am absolutely beautiful. Not because I am better or worse than anyone else, but because I am exactly what I am supposed to be.
Everyone is different in some way or another, but only a few dare to show it to the world. The majority try to fit into a mold that is too tight to feel free in.
Marcus is feeling incredibly comfortable in his amazing homosexual being. He has a wonderful partner and they have recently adopted a beautiful baby girl.
Once I asked him, “What would you like her to be when she grows up?
He replied: beautifully different.
Fish swimming against the stream image via Shutterstock
About Caroline D. James
Caroline D. James is the founder and writer of wanderside.com, where she explores a different perspective to ordinary life.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Beautiful & inspiring
Without meeting me you have written my story, how come you know me so well, you have put words to my thoughts, exactly how I felt all throughout these years. Thanks, nice to meet you
The pleasure is all mine. I’m glad you like the story and that it has helped explaining what is many times unsaid.
Thank you for your kind words.
Thank you. It means a lot!
LOVE this article and what you express here … I think many of us can relate and it’s so refreshing to read a reflection of the experience those of us have had who didn’t quite fit in and struggled to come to self-acceptance have had. Thank you for being uniquely you! 🙂 <3
Just love this, Caroline. The artistic are almost always different. I love this: “Different is what I’ll always be, because I don´t match with the preferred educational, economic, religious, and social systems that want to shape me into a predesigned mold that I can’t fit into.”
Good for you! The unique, the eccentric, those are the truly gifted.
And your tribe cheers you on!
Good for you, Caroline. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I was also shy and very sensitive, and my peers were merciless in their bullying. In North American culture, we’re taught that fitting in and “falling in line” is the key to being accepted. In other parts of the world, like France, being different or “odd” is encouraged. I’ve never fit in, and I never will. The difference is, now I take pride in that. Eagles, not ducks! *spreading my wings*
Are you sure you wrote about your experience? I can relate to so many things!
I live in Europe but when it comes to being “cool” or “fitting in” we’re not different.
When I was in primary school I was bullied by my peers for being too shy, too smart (I was one of the best pupils in my class) and too different and it sometimes still haunts me, even though I’m 23 and I do have wonderful friends.
The feeling of being different is still something strong in me and because of being bullied in the past I have a terrible fear of rejection and self-esteem issues. That’s why I’m grateful for your wonderful uplifting post, I really need something like this 🙂
Thank you for writing this. I usually feel insecure every time I attend a casting or an audition.
Isn’t it wonderful to know that with all the ways in which you are different – so many people resonate already? I certainly do. Guess what: The first sentence on my Solo Souls site is “You are different. You don’t have to be lonely”. :-)Yes (self)love so is the answer.
Thank you!
Thank you so much Shannon. Self acceptance can be a hard thing to acquire, specially when the lack of respect from others diminish our self-esteem. However it is a beautiful thing to realize how perfect we truly are and that it is those differences that makes us not “weird” but extra ordinary.
Wow Susan! your comment just blew me away. Thank you so much, I really like the sound of that, a “tribe,” I really like this tribe I’m a part of, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Thank you so much.
Tanya, I completely understand you, the culture you speak about is also very present in Mexico. There needs to be more respect taught to children, so they can become more respectful adults. What a difference it would make.
If you and I wouldn’t been in class together we probably would of become friends. Two lonely eagles 🙂
Thank you so much Natalia. Children can be especially cruel, the damage they can cause it can take years if not decades to cure.
The problem is that whether you’re too smart or not too smart, if it breaks away from the “ordinary” children and people will pick on it.
I’m glad that you have found a close group of friends, it makes the past scars fade away. And hey look at all this beautiful comments of people like you and I who are all united by our differences.
Talya! you are so very welcome, it is a try joy to be able to share a personal experience that can bring a little confort. Don’t feel insecure in your castings and audition, that that makes different makes you extraordinarily beautiful. just let it shine.
Hi Halina, that is a beautiful quote, just reading through the amazing comments i realize how true it is that neither one of us is lonely. Thank you.
This is a beautifully-written article. I feel like I can identify with so much of what you’ve struggled with and reading this makes me feel a little less lonely in my thoughts. Thank you so much for sharing, Caroline!
Terrific article! I think a lot of people (including me) relate to this and I definitely will be sharing it on Twitter:-) There is always a different way of looking at things. I was the ‘weirdo’ in school, but looking back at the gifts I had, I’m glad I wasn’t a duck;-) Thanks for sharing!
Love this! I’m having a hard time right now accepting myself as I am after years of telling myself what I should be, or who I should be. I got diagnosed with tourette syndrome at a very young age and from then on it was a life filled with “why”. Why can’t I have a normal brain, why do I have to have anxiety, I’m crazy, I’m not smart. Not really realising the other things that make me beautiful aside from this one flaw. Telling yourself that you’re not perfect enough, or pretty enough, or have to make a it a competition to be the best to compensate for what you think you lack is tiring. I’m so glad I also have a boyfriend who inspires me to push myself. Keep up with the good work, a lot of us feel the same way. Xo
Wow that was brilliant! U sound amazing to me 😉
Hello, i am using a sentence from your article to add to a write up of mine in FB. IF its not okay, please let me know and i will take that out. I have added your name and article up there.
thanks
saj
What a wonderful article. In holding the space to release the judgments we have within ourselves, we create love and acceptance to live our truth and be free. In embracing our differences, we may be the solution/inspiration to someone’s problem.
I can relate!
To try to fix what is not even broken simply because it is different
Wow Trish, I love that, what a great use of words. You’re right, something that is not even broken.
Thank you so much Theresa.
I love your comment, it transcends beyond the ‘ME’ and into ‘US’ “In embracing our differences, we may be the solution/inspiration to someone’s problem” this is truly beautiful.
Of course you can! I feel honored.
Thank you so much! It is heart warming seeing all this wonderful comments of support.
Hi Michelle. Thank you so much for your kind words and also for sharing my story.
I find it inspiring reading how so many people embrace what makes them unique and different, complete authenticity. The beautiful eagles that fly freely from the worlds expectations.
Hi Katie,
It is truly an honor to be able to bring confort through my words. Thank you for your kind comment.
Tourette syndrome is not your flaw, it breaks away from “traditional”, if we were all to have Tourettes no one would make a remark on it.
It is something that makes you extraordinary and absolutely beautiful. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but if you were a purse, you’d probably be the albino crocodile skin Hermes purse that is so unique that everyone is fighting over it.
Normal, it is such a boring word, which is why no artist wants to make anything normal.
Not taken in any wrong way at all:). And thank you:)! I’ve always been told I’m weird from people because of how goofy and crazy I act growing up as well. Sometimes when people would react by telling me I’m weird, or the classic “Ok…”. I’d shut down. But this past Christmas I worked at a kids store which is only a city based store (its awesome) manager said I was one of her wackiest hires in a Christmas card she gave me, and to not change and it made me smile so much. Everyone in the store said I was the weirdest and most odd person they have ever worked with and it made me feel so good.
thank you, i appreciate that. if you do have an fb account, this is where it is.
https://www.facebook.com/notes/sajatha-kutty/love-can-be-moredifferent-than-romance-and-lust/1584829638472246?pnref=story
its a bit different take. But i love reading yours as it makes a lot of sense to life as we know and live
Caroline, thank you so much for writing this. It really touched me. I’ve struggled with self-acceptance my entire life, and at age 32, I’m finally confronting my perception of myself. It’s been a difficult, gut-wrenching experience.
I was always the weird child. I’ve seen doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists… None of them helped. I’ve been on medication, and I’ve been told that I’m broken. My official diagnosis is a pretty severe case of Social Anxiety Disorder. I’ve also been diagnosed with ADHD and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, although in my case, I believe the ADHD was a side effect of stress and anxiety. The Obsessive-Compulsive has faded significantly over the years. I’ve been through numerous depressive episodes and a suicide attempt.
I’ve met rejection more times than I can count. Unfortunately, I always turned that rejection inward on myself and blamed my perceived shortcomings; I trashed my own soul, instead of being kind to myself. Thankfully, I have beautiful, loving parents and a few genuine, heartwarming, absolutely dependable friends. These magical people are the reason I’m still here.
Here’s a little more of my story. I hope it helps someone “different” realize they’re not alone…
I couldn’t speak to anyone but my family until I was 19 years old. Public schooling was miserable, so my parents withdrew me from school in the 7th grade and began teaching me at home. College wasn’t any easier. I kept enrolling, taking classes, dropping out and then enrolling again for most of my 20s. Eventually, I dropped out as a junior (almost senior) majoring in economics, Asian studies and Chinese language.
I made an effort in my 20s to push myself into the world. I held jobs here and there, made some friends and started to feel a little better. But the self-acceptance never came. I had high points and low points, and would spiral into periods of self-hatred. It’s such a lonely place to be; you blame yourself for your failings because you can’t seem to fit in. You can’t seem to be the way the world wants you to be. It becomes a vicious cycle.
Writing and art were my passions, but somewhere along the way, I lost my ability to even feel passionate about my passions. Sounds odd, huh?
As of today, I’m beginning to feel like the old me — the girl who loved books, words, art, animals, history, philosophy and so many other things. My curiosity is returning, and my passion is returning. I’m starting to love myself again. Some days are better than others, but I refuse to live with such hatred for myself, and I don’t want anyone else to live with hatred either. Life can be beautiful. Such a shame to waste it feeling miserable.
I’m grateful for people like you who are willing to share your experiences. It helps to know that we’re not alone. Again, thank you.
Sincerely, Sara
Reading this amazing article (thank you by the way) made me think about something I never quite understood. Every time I say that something, or someone is “weird” or “strange”, people automatically assume that it’s bad. That I’m saying this in a negative way. But I’m not. For me “weird” or “strange” mean “different”. And different is beautiful and way more interesting.
Our problem came from the fact that we had given them the power of controlling our self-esteem instead of finding that acceptance and love within ourselves. – powerful verse, thank you. great post.
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I want to thank you for writing this fantastic article, Caroline. In my personal opinion, I feel that there’s nothing wrong with embracing your own individuality. If no one can be accepting of you and your personality, that’s their problem.
When I was growing up, I was teased a lot for being different. Just because I wasn’t popular by wearing name brand clothing and shoes, make-up, and going to the beauty salon on a frequent basis, that didn’t make me any less than a human being. I had to end the friendship with my ex-best friend, since she was having a difficult time accepting our differences. All I wanted to do was to graduate from high school and attend college, so I can focus on my career. I discovered on Facebook that my ex-best friend has three children, NEVER attended college, has been through numerous marriages, and was in an abusive marriage. I shouldn’t condone violence against someone who mistreated me back in high school, but she now knows what it feels like to be disrespected. I accepted the fact that I can NEVER be best friends with her, which is all right by me.
Learning to love myself was a work in progress. I lost twenty five pounds, I’m graduating from a university in six months, I have a boyfriend who loves me for myself, and I have a best friend who NEVER judged me. My life couldn’t get any sweeter. 🙂
please stop harassing people online
I started freelancing from comfort of my home, working some basic jobs which only requires from you desktop or laptop computer and internet access and I am so happy with it… It’s been 6 months since i started this and i had profit so far in total 36,000 dollars… Basicly i get paid close to $80/hourly and work for 3 to 4 h on daily basis.And awesome thing about this job is that you can make your own schedule when you work and for how long and the payments are weekly
In 2008, my mom and I were no longer able to afford a place to live in the city. We had to move into a public shelter where our lives were controlled down to the minutes. We shared a studio apartment that barely fit two twin beds. This experience was both emotional and sad for me. I felt helpless in what I could do to help our situation. On top of that, my mom lost her job and could no longer work due to various illnesses: she had high blood pressure and many more things going on that made her feeble and made her have to take multiple medicines daily. I went to school stressed out and then would have to come home to take care of my mother and this added on more stress into my life because I wasn’t ready for it. But this honestly, has strengthened me to fight for a better life in the future. This made me realize that in order for my dreams to come true, I have to work for what I want and not to only let my personal life affect me but also not to give up. Life is absolutely unfair sometimes, but I can recognize the privileges I do have, and work at making changes that would lead me to a better life. The only person that can stop me is myself.
Initially, I struggled with staying focused and getting my academic assignments completed. I would actually get so excited in class when a new topic was introduced, but as time went by my excitement for school began deteriorating because of my shelter, “home” life. To avoid the stress carried by my years in the shelter. As one of the leading soccer players, I involved myself outside of school in various extracurricular activities; I would help run drills and teach newer players strategies. I loved helping out. One of my most profound experiences came in my sophomore year when I was cast to play Angel in the hit musical RENT. In order to play a transgender person, I had to step outside my comfort zone and push past all the masculinity issues that my African community imposed on me. I did my own research and learned about various LGBTQ movements so I could honor the experiences of those who have fought hard for equal rights. When I performed, and let myself go to living and performing on stage, it was one of the proudest and happiest moments of my life.
I used to think that my life wouldn’t get so far because I lived in the shelter. I was this homeless person who shouldn’t aspire to anything more than the tropes and destiny set for me by the media and other negative stereotypes. On top of that, my mom was really sick and at times she would spend days in the hospital. All around me, it seemed like family members were dying, but we couldn’t just leave and go see them because of the strict shelter rules. Experiences like that takes a toll on one’s life, but I held on to faith, even now as I’m writing this essay, I’m starting to understand that there’s something greater waiting for me at the end of the tunnel: college. I’ve been through a lot, but I know where I’m going. I know that being college educated will open doors. The cages of the shelter that I escaped from without letting it take me down show my resilience. Living in a dilapidated room has taught me many things that not a lot of people my age could fully understand. It taught me how to be true to myself be true to my potentials and to believe in myself even if others don’t. It taught me how to be giving to others because you never know when you will be in need of others help and comfort. Above all, I learned that kindness is necessary in order to get far in life. I don’t know what college has in store for me. But I am excited to leave this place and find my own new grounds to continue learning in college, fighting and evolving to be a more thoughtful, happier and successful individual.
Thank you for this! Much needed an appreciated!