“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos
Over the past ten years, I always had a man by my side. I was always in a relationship.
I was in a relationship for eight years before my ex and I got engaged, then broke it off because of the distance—my ex’s reason. Not long after that I got into a two-year relationship with a man who loved, yet cheated on me. It was a messy breakup.
So after ten years in relationships, I found myself alone.
I’m thirty-one and single!
Recently some questions have bounced around in mind: What happened to me during those years? What did I get, gain, achieve in these two relationships? Why am I now alone? What will I do? How do I do things by myself?
Now what? Where to start?
I started to panic, to hyperventilate—until I found this quote:
“Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”
Yes, I am scared. I was so used to sharing everything. I was so used to having someone around.
But the reality is I am my own person, and if I can’t enjoy being single, how can I enjoy being with someone else?
So I started reading about being single, and interviewing other happy single people. Surely I wasn’t the only thirty-one-year-old person who felt uncertain about her new singleness. I needed to find proven ways to be happy as a single adult woman.
In my research, I learned some important truths about being single:
1. Being single gives you time to be by yourself, with yourself.
Finally, some me time. This is the time to reconnect with myself, a time where I can talk to myself, debating all the questions and answers that are bouncing in my head.
This is the time of reflection. This is the time of acceptance and letting go, which brings me to the second point…
2. If you don’t let go of the past, you will never appreciate the present.
Yes, I have fond memories of my exes, but that was in the past. I know I will always cherish those memories, but I need to stop clinging to them to live for today and plan for tomorrow.
Buddha said every day you are born again—that means new experiences and adventures for today!
3. It’s only after you have lost everything that you are free to find out what you were missing.
During those ten years, I lost love, a pregnancy, and my health. I truly believed I had lost everything. I can’t even start telling you how many tears I shed during those difficult times.
Now that I’m single, I have an opportunity to do all the things I put off while I was putting all my energy into my relationships. I have to believe that I will eventually have the things I lost, but for now I’m taking this time to enjoy myself and complete myself.
4. Change can sometimes be good.
Part of me feels afraid of this quick change. Adaptation takes time, yet I’m already thinking of all the possibilities—meeting new people, going to new places, tackling new projects.
Sometimes change is the best thing for us, as it opens us up to new activities and environments.
5. Being single does not have to mean being afraid to love.
My heart has been bashed, bruised, and broken. But I don’t feel traumatized, and I know I will love again. Hopefully the next someone will treasure and treat my heart with love and respect.
Staying open to love isn’t just about attracting a new relationship; it’s about being open to life.
6. Even if you’re single, you still have so much to appreciate.
“Being single is not the end of the world,” a friend said to me. She continued by saying, “There are other problems that are more depressing than being single—hunger and homelessness, for instance.”
This felt like a slap in the face to wake me up. It reminded me that even with a broken heart, I am still standing. I’m still breathing. There are still so many possibilities for me.
7. You’re not alone when you’re single; you still have family and good friends.
I am lucky to have a supportive mother and sister. They are my sanity—my light. Spending time with them relaxes me in a way. I’m also fortunate to have wonderfully good friends who are always there with open arms, ready to listen and support me.
I know for sure I can always share my happiness and sorrow with them. I can always depend on them without feeling the slightest bit of guilt. And now that I’m single, I have even more time to devote to being there for them.
8. Being single is a call to focus on yourself.
Sometimes being in a relationship can make you lazy about developing yourself. You can get so comfortable that your goals take a back seat.
When you’re single, it prompts you to look deep inside yourself and identify the person you really want to be—whether you’re in a relationship or not.
9. Something better will come your way if you’re open to it.
I found a lovely quote through twitter, “To see a rainbow, one has to pass a storm.”
When something bad happens, we tend to concentrate on the negatives, forgetting that there must be something positive hidden somewhere in the havoc.
You will know happiness in the future—and in the present, if you’re open to it.
10. Life is a balance. When there is darkness there will be light.
I believe that everything in life is a process. When something dramatic and fast hits us, it will take time to process it and start over.
I am starting over.
As a newbie in singlehood I still have a lot to learn, understand, and explore. I sometimes need to be reminded to be grateful for what I have.
As we all know, these words are easier said than practiced. So I hold onto one important idea that I’d like to leave you with:
Change comes from within. You alone have to decide if you want that change.
About C. De Lima
C. De Lima has a Master’s Degree in Art & is certified in Education Support. She is currently in Perth, WA, studying and developing a new art project.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I am 31 and single at the moment too! But what if your best friend is your ex since you’ve been together for such a long time? How do you deal with not having that many friends to begin with, and losing your soulmate and your best friend at the same time? I find it hard to cope. I’m at a loss right now too. What should I do? I tried making new friends but it’s just no longer easy.
This is a great blog, thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom!! I saw this same thing happen to my mom….lead to true introspection, and improvements for her as well!! 🙂
Thanks for your insightful post. I am single after being married for 1/2 my life and finally realize that alone is not lonely! I never had the chance before to live for me and discover who I am and how great that is!
Whether I ever have another relationship or not is irrelevant because I finally love myself unconditionally and am happy with my own company.
Wishing you a lifetime of wondrous happy times whether you are single or coupled in the future.
You just gotta keep trying. The only way to move forwards is to create new connections, new habits, it’s a huge paradigm shift.
Change, for all the fear it elicits, is a positive thing, a driving force. Channel the fear, let it drive you. Life goes on, you either take a back seat and feel like a victim, or take the wheel, and show the world you are strong.
Wise words! Having been single now myself for 15 yrs, I found the one for me: that is ME. As long as I can love myself 1st, then loving someone else becomes a bonus not a necessity.
Someday, someone will walk through your door and help you understand why all your previous relationships didn’t work out. Excellent article, in the rush to being in relationships, so often we loose who we are, the reason someone was attracted to us in the first place. Whether single or involved, always taking those moments to discover yourself will strengthen whatever it is you’re doing at that moment.
The bigger challenge to being happily single is when “single” has been nearly your entire adult life, and facing towards your late forties instead of back at your late twenties. While not trying to play Top That, and I appreciate that you are experiencing and sharing where you are now, there is so much more to the single experience than a temporary blip between relationships. When that reality hits you strong and deep as it does for some of us not fortunate enough to find those relationships, that is when your time on the cushion becomes even more important.
I’ve actually celebrated being single for years. I found dating (in my early 40s) was just a lame, superficial process & maybe after a career spent around mostly men – I’d just had enough of them. I’d return from deployments & say – “The last thing I want to see right now is a dude. I just want to go shopping for cashmere, girly things, have spa days & bubble baths – and most importantly wine with my girlfriends.
I would be offended at anyone who asked why I wasn’t married – like it’s some kind of honor and am more offended that someone would compare being single to being homeless or one blissful day of marriage to the mythical prince charming. I was happy to have the bed to myself. I wasn’t looking, wasn’t wanting to be chained to another person the rest of my life. Once you establish YOU, love YOU, go at life like it’s a buffet & you want to taste (sometimes spitting out) as much as possible – your feelings of “aloneness” in single life outweigh that ache of being “lonely” or unappreciated in a relationship (or oppressed in a marriage). You are now free to try living in another country for a while & shift your realities if you really want to taste the world.
That said, after years of being unabashedly & blissfully single, he, the man I thought couldn’t
possibly exist so didn’t even bother looking, walked in out of the rain
and into my life. This was six months ago – we are both still happy
being “single” but also happy to have found each other to share what we
BOTH enjoy as life’s pleasures. Travel, wine, cooking included.
The point – you are so young (I was divorced at 33 & “found myself at 35”) and this new singleness is freedom – and begging you to experience everything in life you couldn’t do married! It’s a gift.
Zel, I was in the exact same situation you are (only I’m 10 years older!). It’s really difficult when you don’t have a circle of friends to turn to. I was so lucky to have a trusted therapist, and I know not everyone can afford to see one (I couldn’t really either, but I worked it out) but I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. I would be happy to listen if you need someone to talk to. I know what it’s like to have to start over after a long relationship. I wish you the best. XO
I don’t think it’s ‘supposed’ to be easy, and I don’t know anyone it’s been easy for, except those that were not invested in the relationships in the first place. And I think many people experience the loss of a best friend when they break up with someone, and often find that the hardest bit – the one person who made them laugh that way, the one who understood that little quirk, the one who liked all the same things…. and so on. But there are millions of people in the world, and between them all, they will be able to do exactly those things for you. I myself have been single many times for years at a time, and this for me is the first time I’ve found it so hard making new friends – but it’s my geography, I live in an area where so many people are married and settled. So, who knows, perhaps I am meant to move? Or perhaps I am meant to use this time to get fitter in many ways – physically, emotionally, financially…. who knows. I just need to trust in my waivering moments, that this is my path for now, and try and make the best cake with the current ingredients. The world is our oyster – can learn a new instrument, language, skill…. all these things, and eventually, when we find our passion, then passion will arrive! Good luck! Keep going – as the wonderful film ‘The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel’ says “It will be alright in the end, and if it’s not alright, it’s not the end” – – – which means we’ve still got some colourful journey left – how lucky are we!
I appreciate this article so much – it’s really difficult to find anything where being single is discussed in a positive light. Before I met my ex-husband, I had accepted the fact that I would likely be single for the majority of my life (and thankfully I really love myself and am comfortable being alone). It was quite a shock to find someone to be with long-term, because I had never expected that to happen. When the relationship ended, it was quite a transition (to say the least) to go back to where I was so many years before. Of course, the relationship ending was a huge upheaval and completely turned my world upside-down, but I had to quickly find that place again within myself where I knew that I was okay, and nothing was lacking just because I wasn’t with somebody else.
The reaction of other people to the end of my relationship has been one of the strangest factors in my experience… it’s difficult to convince most people that it’s okay for someone to be alone, and that life doesn’t end and activities don’t stop. Honestly, most people act like I shouldn’t leave the house if I don’t have someone to go to events or eat out with! Thankfully I had an incredible therapist and a good sense of humour so I’m able to laugh most of those comments off, but I wish there were more positive examples that single people can and do thrive. I want to be that example for others as well as I am able!
Nanners, you may have said it better than me. I am what I call an “institutional” single. I’m 47 and never married. I have always wanted to experience a long term relationship and have done a great deal of work to unearth why. I was close in my mid-30’s and again two years ago when I reconnected with someone from college on Facebook. I think timing broke us apart. At my core, I don’t think it’s over.
But the truth is, for now, it is.
So I breathe a lot. I try to focus on getting through every day and taking my eyes off the future. I will say that the time alone, that of being single, has allowed me to self-examine my life on a level that most of my coupled friends will never know.I enjoy some moments alone. But I can also tell you that sometimes, it’s really lonely and I’ll say painful, especially when you see others connecting with someone. I know it’s just my ego. But regardless, that pain is real.
So again, I breathe. And I breathe again. It’s what I’ve got.
As I read all the comments below, I feel like I got off a little easy. I am 22, and broke up with someone I thought I loved after a year of dating. ( I know….)
Ive never been through a divorce, and that’s why I believe I got off the hook quite easily.
As days fly by, I learn more and more everyday that I can make this life mine – that I can learn to do things on my own, without a relationship. Without the burden of a college relationship, I get more time to achieve these things! Make it a great day for YOU, that should be your priority!
I always read the tinybuddha’s, I love them they speak to me, its how I start my mornings, but this one in particular, really spoke to me today I am 11 months of being single, I got out of a 10 year relationship, and it wasn’t easy, like you I had the same questions about myself and what was I going to do now, I am 34 and single, it felt like the end of the world, today I am embracing it and enjoying all that life has to offer….I am not going to lie and say it wasn’t hard and some days still are, but I am now looking forward to the possibilities, thank you for sharing your life!
I find zero solace in these words especially when I hit point 7. My friends are all married with several kids or gone. I don’t a relationship with my parents and any extended family is practically non existent.
I am 42, I am single after 11 years of being married to my second husband. Before him I was fine being single but he said all the right things, “I want to take care of you.” That was the end of being single. Now I am wanting to take care of myself because after 11 long years I should have been taking care of myself and not everyone else. I am scared of the unknown but this article made me realize what I have known all along, In order to grow you have to change. And my part of that change is being single again and reconnecting with myself again. I am uncertain to where I am going but the possibilities are endless. And I want to check them all out!
I have enjoyed this article, comments and it helps to know I am not the only one.
If you need a quick pep talk on how be happily single without giving up on the possibility of companionship, just listen to “Lucky Number” by Lene Lovich and you’ll be back on your feet in three minutes flat. Trust me.
Being single only sucks when you perpetuate the delusion of defining yourself by your relationships.
Just a small note to say that in this life anyone can make new friends…all it takes is allowing yourself to be open to someone elses experiences..and to be a good listener..and lastly not to judge what is in front of you…we all have the freedom to choose the attitude we take no matter what we are faced with…and lastly never, nerver quit…there are many people in this world who do care…
I am going to be 60 this year and have will be single after 35 years of marriage…what motivated me to make this move (and by the way scared to death) was knowing I was living out of fear…not out of the real passion I feel in my heart..and if I continued to choose this path I would never feel what I know is possible..true love..a finding that partner to share all I have to offer…(only because I choose to want to be in a relationship) I have worked hard on loving myself and believing in myself, this did not come easy,I was a slow learner, but now although so very uncertain of my future (also changing countries) I look forward to the continued journey and take with me the knowledge of my past accomplishments, relationships and experiences that has brought me to my current moment…I choose my attitude in any given moment of joy, fear, frustration, anger, confusion, uncertainty…and the list goes on…but any emotional turmoil can be quelled by our own freedom to choose how we react..I choose optimism and joy…my best wishes for all our adventures to be full of just that ‘adventure and discovery’….
Being alone and not lonely is not what we are taught growing up (“you have to be a friend to have a friend” which can be total crap if you are naturally a nice person and have put up with toxic friendships)… but one thing that works for me is to realize that my own company can often be more reliable and enjoyable than being with just anyone who happens to cross my path. While it may seem lonely not to have many friends (there just aren’t that many opps to meet good people when you are out of school!) – and sometimes that makes for a lot of alone time. I am learning that it is better to be in my own supportive company than to hang out with abusers (especially if they are family or “friends”).
With the stats out today (49% of american adults are not married, 75% of Florida marriages end in divorce) – singles are becoming a majority in US society – yet mass media (movies, press, political circles) has not caught up to the fact that singledom is a natural state.
Hang in there – there are so many of us traveling alone through life and surviving. Being coupled and unhappy is IMHO the worst possible state. 🙂
I completely understand. The pain IS real. And, it’s difficult because most people don’t understand. And, the last thing people want to do is hang around someone moping around feeling sorry from themselves. Now I do allot myself a little self pity party from time to time. But, I almost never discuss that empty feeling deep down in the pit of within that just wants to be loved. It’s too painful to talk about and it make better sense to “breath and try to focus on getting through every day.” And, I try, no matter how long I’ve been alone not to give up hope that one day I will feel that safe quiet closeness of a true love………….
Thanks! Those are great words of encouragement!
Awesome:)
All you mentioned is true! My circumstance is a little different being almost 31 and having one proper boyfriend in my early 20s, waiting for the right man all this time. I met a man who lives in canada like me! while taking a break in Australia. It wasn’t perfect but there was a great companionship. It’s much harder to feel secure about being single when I was hoping I finally found somebody after all this time…. Now I’m 31 and single again too!
This almost feels like my story, it is good to hear others that are going through the same thing. I am close to 30 now and was in a relationship for just under 10 years than another one almost right after for close to 2 years that unfortunately ended due to a very complicated circumstance. However I am finally coming to realize that I should cherish my time now and get to know myself. I think I am going to take a break from relationships for a little while and get to know me better, I am in no rush to be attached again.
Thank you for your story!!
I have been in a similar situation, having lost the friendship and support of someone I cared for a great deal (my best friend). I think the key to coping with feelings of “holy cow, what am I going to do without this person?!” is to ask oneself: what is it that my friend (or whomever it is that I lost and that I now miss) provided me? What was the need that was been met when they were around? Is it something that I can provide for myself?
I hope I’m explaining myself correctly. What I mean is that often, what we really miss is something that the person provided, and not necessarily the person themselves. I think that it’s okay to acknowledge that sometimes we seek what we think we need in others, when in fact we could start depending on ourselves a little more.
I’ve found that, once I identified the need that the person met, and if it is something that I can find in myself, I can rely on myself more and in turn start appreciating my friends for who they are and not what they do. I stopped expecting so much of the people around me and I found it easier to accept them as they are, too. I think that unmet expectations are one of the key issues when dealing with interpersonal relationships in general. Letting go feels nice!
Anyways, I found that thinking this way helped me cope with my loss, and I really hope it will help you too.
I wish you a happy end of week!
Hey, it’s you again! 🙂
Frankly, gw juga dalam recovering process, I had the worst break up last year, dan yang selalu gw lakukan adalah one day at a time, breathe and go slowly. Hope you are doing well 🙂
Ok, I was expecting to read an article about actually being single. But really this is more of a how to survive between relationships. I have been single for 16 years and have chosen to be single. I love my life and am not looking for a partner to share it with. I have many loving friends, I am not alone. I love my life. I am really tired of people making “single” sound like a fate worse than death. I do not find being single a challenge. I do not find it negative. I am happy for you for finding a way to cope. Enjoy your life…single or not! It is an adventure!
I’m still standing so far – opening up to all the opportunities that come my way 🙂
Thanks ya untuk supportnya 🙂
Hi Andrea, I can relate to you. It does sound scary but if you open up bit by bit to the thought of living life as ‘ I ‘ and enjoying it, love will come and find you. 🙂
Hope floats 🙂
Thank you for sharing. I love that you choose optimism and joy. Sometimes I forget about those two and slump back to my ‘dark side’, but the knowledge that I’m not alone bounces me back.
It is such a wonderful feeling sharing my experience and getting positive feedback and supports from you. 🙂
Change has to come from you. Believe me when I say I know it’s scary and lonely. I went into depression, specially after my last relationship. I reached rock bottom until one day I said to myself enough. This is tiring and the past is the past. I got hurt but I’m still standing. I live in Perth, WA, but my family and best friends are in another country. I had to force myself to opened up and find new activities and experiences where I meet new people, some who are now my friends. 🙂
Hope floats my friend. Take things step by step and keep the optimism afloat.
Thank you for taking the chance to look forward for the possibilities. Your comment is a positive feedback for me too. 🙂
I just turned 32 and 7 months into singlehood. I have also have spent the last 10 years with a man by my side, one who cheated on me after 5 years and one whom was emotionally abusive, whom I have a child with…..You are not alone in this journey!
Thanks so much for writing this article, it helped me to feel less alone and stronger in my quest to find happiness within myself first before coupling again.
Thank you so much for sharing a bit of your experience. I too work with an excellent counselor who has been extremely gentle and encouraging. It’s nice to talk to ‘someone’ out of your circle and see things from a different perspective. It encourage you to grow.
Good luck for your new adventure in life 🙂
http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/transforming-negative-thoughts-creating-the-life-you-desire/
Couldn’t agree more!
“Someday, someone will walk through your door and help you understand why all your previous relationships didn’t work out.” – I really like this statement from you. Thank you so much! 🙂
For now, I’m enjoying my ‘singleness’ and opening in up to all the new opportunities that come my way.
this is really a gem, whether you’re not in a relationship or in one. i am a believer in and practitioner of incorporating separation within togetherness. i think solitude and enjoying that space for and of yourself, is important, and we should be mindful not to lose it when we’re with partners.
In the grand scheme of the latticework of life, there are each and every one of our INDIVIDUAL lives. If something is not working, we have the power to change. And while I believe everyone should be respectful and compassionate to all beings, it means nothing if we are not also respectful and compassionate of ourselves. We are all constantly in relationships of varying degrees… With our favorite teacher at school, our mail carrier, our family members, our friend’s from all stages of life and yes, our significant other/spouse/partner in crime (whatever moniker works for you) a romantic relationship is just part of a bigger picture. The one constant and most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves. This is something I’ve just begun to learn in the past 10 years and it is always a work in progress 🙂
By the way, I’ll be 40 in may and if I had a nickel for every person who’s asked “how come you’ve never been married?”, I’d be rich by now (or at least able to pay off graduate school! Haha)
“Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”
What a great quote!! I personally love my singleness and see it as a gift to truly embrace and explore my passions. So often you stop being yourself in a relationship – losing your sense of individuality just so you may be a couple. My own personal mantra is “a relationship should not be a sacrifice of your spirits but a compromise of souls”.
So many people are in bad relationships because they are afraid of being “alone”. I’ve never quite understood that one?? And what can be worse is the search for their “soul-mate” who “completes you”. That one terrifies me in that if you cannot be happy and complete with yourself than there are deeper issues at hand.
I’m blessed with amazing friends (so grateful for that) who do not question my choice to be single – and YES it is a choice. This does not mean I have any less love in my heart as I find Nature as my constant companion.
I became single after 17 years of marriage. Facing dating and trying to find someone new at 40 was not something I expected for my life…However, I have learned so much about myself in the last two years. For all of that, I am grateful.
Sometimes I think I want someone in my life…but I realize that I am still not ready. There is no room for “someone”. What I have said to others before, you have to be good with you, before you can be good with someone else.
You’re quote on there being so many more things worse than being single is spot on. I am not lonely, I am alone…and I will find someone to share my life when the time is right. If I choose a time before, I will certainly follow the same path as before.
The real goal is not to find someone else…it is to find yourself!!
xoxo
I truly agree – when we marry at a young age, we often mistakenly choose someone who is like a parent so that we can hopefully succeed with acceptance or otherwise get it right the second time. At least that’s what happened with me (a perfectionist father.)
I also believe that in western societies, women are taught to take care of others (I recall the Canadian Girl Scout Brownie law – A brownie is cheerful and obedient, a brownie always thinks of others before herself.) and men are taught to find someone to take care of them (the Scout law was “Be prepared”.) When we women “wake up” at midlife and see no one taking care of us (it should have been us!) we discover that everyone else is well but us.
Single or married or coupled or whatever is a choice, just the same as being happy or not.
Wishing you well!
I like what you have to say…
“Life is a balance. When there is darkness there will be light.”
I think its great that you are learning all of this now! I know it would be hard, but if you can find the GREAT things about being single, you will love it and yourself. If your looking for some inspiration, or just funny single stories, follow my blog! It’s what im dealing with every day 🙂
http://www.facebook.com/pages/A-Girls-Life-Single-Successful/185495658226712?ref=tn_tnmn
Thank you for wonderful words. I love your mantra “a relationship should not be a sacrifice of your spirits but a compromise of souls” – very encouraging and positive. 🙂
You are absolutely right that by choosing singleness one does not lose love!
What a perfect article you’ve composed: brief, light, to the point, & most of all… inspiring. Thank you.
I loved this article, as it really resonated with me. I am also 31, I was in a relationship with someone for 8 years… And I have now been single for over two years. At the beginning I saw it as a temporary status before finding someone else, but the longer I am single, the longer I realise that it is a time that needs to be cherished in itself.
It frustrates me when people ask me why I am single, as if there was something wrong with me. The truth is that the reason why I am single is because right now, there is nobody else I would rather spend time with than myself.
I have done internet dating, I have looked for love when I wasn’t ready, and now I am just focusing on loving and enjoying my own company. And when I am ready, and I meet someone that makes my heart skip a beat, I will embrace it. But for now, I am still learning to love myself.
Thanks … and I love this comment I read somewhere — “Simply because I choose to be single now, doesn’t mean I will be single forever.”
My biggest learning from being single these past 5 years is this:
My view of life as one long string of “either, or” is flawed — the right word is “and” … meaning, the belief that “EITHER I’m in a relationship/married now OR I’ll be single forever” is a lie – the truth is “I’m single now AND one day I may choose something different.” =D
There is no such thing as “lack” — there is only my heart’s desire. In this present moment, my heart’s desire is to be single. One day, my heart’s desire will change — and my life will change with it.