“Life is inherently risky. There is only one big risk you should avoid at all costs, and that is the risk of doing nothing.” ~Denis Waitley
I like to tell the story of how I changed my mind about myself and what I was worthy of and how that change almost immediately led me to my husband—or, rather, how it led him to me. On Craigslist.
But unlike a fairytale, we didn’t go straight from point A (boy meets girl on a sometimes-shady website) to point B (boy marries girl in the church she was baptized and grew up in, across the street from her childhood home) and happily ever after.
We sorta stalled at first. And it was all my fault.
See, even though we hit it off in a big way and immediately started emailing each other, like, a dozen times a day (seriously, I kept every single email and treasure them all), I wasn’t fully sold.
I didn’t think we had a chance romantically. Even though the poor guy did everything but jump through flaming hoops to get the point across that workdays full of emails were just slightly less than he hoped for, I held him at bay.
I conveniently overlooked his invitations to connect over the phone after work some night. He called me “Beautiful” like it was my name, and I would just conveniently overlook it. There was a big old wall between us, and I was the architect.
Finally, after a month of this nonsense, the truth hit me like a bus (funny, since I was sitting on a bus at the time).
I heard a voice ask, “What is wrong with you? You have everything you’ve always said you wanted, and you’re pushing it away!” After I looked around and made sure it wasn’t some weirdo randomly talking to me (you just never know on the bus), I gave the idea some thought.
Whoa. Yes, I totally was. I was pushing it all away with both hands.
This was another huge turning point in my life. Right there on the Route 36 bus.
I explored this idea as I made my way home that night. For once there was a man in my life who was clearly interested in me, who very obviously wanted to take our relationship to a more serious romantic level. There was no struggle, no game playing, no confusion, no chase (at least, not for me).
And we had so much in common—our values, our beliefs on religion and spirituality, our interests. Sure, there were differences too, but just enough to keep things interesting, to keep us both growing and learning from each other. Enough to give us endless topics to ramble over through countless emails, for sure.
As long as I’m being honest, I was also totally addicted to talking with him. I looked forward to every single email and would get pouty when I didn’t hear from him right away. I had to check in and wish him a good night before leaving work and had to check my inbox as soon as I got home to see if he wrote back.
I was clearly smitten. But here I was, holding the poor guy at arm’s length, even as he tried so hard to enter my heart.
So what was my deal, anyway?
It boiled down to this: I was miserable with my life the way it was, but it was all I knew. It was what I was comfortable with. I hated being alone, but “alone” was the only way I’d ever known my life.
I still needed to come to terms with the fact I was worth loving. No matter how awesome I told the world I was, I needed to believe that there was someone out there who would love my wacky self as-is, no strings attached, no holds barred, no weight loss needed.
Putting it bluntly: I had never known a man who didn’t require me to change in some way for them to consider me dateable. This was a total challenge to my self-image.
I also needed a hefty shot of courage. After all, I’d been hurt in the past—too many times to count.
And I hadn’t even had a romance with any of these other guys. I’d shared my heart, but I hadn’t shared my body. I hadn’t shared my secrets.
They hadn’t heard me snore in my sleep.
What if I started a relationship with this man and we broke up? How would I handle that, knowing that there was another person out there who knew all about me? This was a whole new world, and I had no idea how to navigate it.
Still, in the face of all this fear and hesitation, there was a quiet little voice in my heart that pointed out that the easiest thing in the world would be to just give in. To stop fighting it, which took more effort than letting things take their natural course. To believe that I was lovable, if only because this man saw me as such, and to trust that he would never hurt me.
And he never has.
I realize now that this way of thinking affects people in more ways than just the example I gave here.
So much of the time we long for something else, something new, something better, but when the opportunity presents itself, we either miss it completely or we come up with a million reasons why it’s not right for us.
We’re too busy, we’re not smart enough, we’re not lucky enough, or connected enough; we don’t have the money for it. On and on.
We let huge, potentially life-altering opportunities pass us by because, at the end of the day, we don’t believe we deserve them or that we could handle them if we gave them a shot. Even if we want them with all our heart.
It’s not that we’re lying to ourselves about what we want. It’s that we let fear dictate what we’re worth.
It takes work and a lot of self-awareness, but if we can identify these negative beliefs—all based around fear—we can work on becoming a little more fearless every day.
Our job is to stop standing in our own way. To drop our limiting beliefs, stop dedicating time and energy to talking ourselves out of what we so richly deserve—fulfillment, love, abundance, joy, and peace. To simply open our arms and our hearts and accept the possibility of something more, right there within our grasp.
That’s when things start moving and grooving. I promise.
Let’s stop holding our dreams at arm’s length. Or eventually they’re going to give up on us and continue dating another girl—which is what could have happened had I not texted my man that very night after my fateful bus ride.
In my excitement, I pulled out my phone and sent this super articulate message: You know what? I think I kinda like you.
I have never regretted sending that text. To this day I thank the voice in my heart for setting me straight and for giving me the courage to take a chance.
Photo by Beshef
About Jennifer Bardall
Jennifer Bardall believes that life is best lived on purpose. Her book, Delicious, describes her battle with emotional binge eating and encourages others to put down the fork and pick up their life.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thank you Jennifer. This line resonated with me strongly….
“I had never known a man who didn’t require me to change in some way for them to consider me datable. This was a total challenge to my self-image.”
I’m married and yet still feel that my husband is making do somehow by being with me and that he could do so much better should be choose to. I have held him at arm’s length for years to soften the blow of what I think is inevitable – that he will leave. I’ve even gone so far as to not say “I love you” to him for years.
Time for me to change things… thank you again.
Pretty inspiring love story 🙂 I’m glad you found your soul mate.
I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this, Flo – but I’m so happy that you see it’s time to change. I hope you manage to do so. If you ever need anything, drop me a line via my contact info above. Seriously, it’s what I’m here for and I’d be happy to help. ((HUG))
Thanks, Nikola! 🙂
Hi Jennifer,
Is this me? this post is ‘Me’ , what happened to me (no copyrights issues dont worry… ) 😀 god! i was shocked to read every next line.. whether it is finding ‘the one’, pushing him away inspite of knowin deep within he is the one , and then realizing it one fine day sitting in a bus, n then taking a step to make urself realize that u r worth it, to be happy, to receive al that is given to u by this guy… God! n yes i also started from there steady against all oppositions, pains, what not.. but now even with lil differences, thanking myself for taking that decision everyday! This is abt me n my hubby 🙂 so i can really understand ur post. Once when we make up the courage to receive we realize this is how it should have been, that we deserve it and why we had been running from it or looking elsewhere, it is nice to stand up and receive our blessings… u rekindled my yrs back memories.. thnx 🙂
I’m so glad, Prabha! I’m glad you came to the same realization I did – you deserve it. 🙂 Yay for happiness!
I’m going through a bit of this myself. Some of the things that you touch on in your story have already come and she has her son and nephew to take care of as well. I’m divorced and we started talking 2 1/2 years ago, quickly hitting it off and soon started texting every day, at all hours of the day. The problem is that her ex is who her son calls daddy, and he is committed to paying her health insurance for the next five years. I make about 37k a year, he makes 65+. The last night that we spent together was a late one, we laid in bed and fell asleep in each others arms and that was probably the best few hours of sleep I had had in weeks. I to get pouty when I don’t hear back from her immediately and I miss her when she isn’t around. She was put on life support for double pneumonia a couple of weeks back and was released a week ago. I couldn’t visit her due to her ex an the tension that is there between us and I am quitting smoking both for my own health and hers, nobody needs to be around that. I miss her, I love her, I feel like I need her…
Well I have to say, as a coach and only knowing what you’ve told me…unless she’s mentioned in some way that it’s an issue that you make less than her ex, why is it an issue? And unless her ex isn’t her child’s father, why wouldn’t he refer to him as “dad”?
It’s never easy for a person to have a healthy relationship if they’re too wrapped up in the other person’s past, or if they’re too clingy (I’m sorry to use that word). I was pouty after not hearing from my husband when we’d been talking online for a month. After 2 1/2 years, though…just be careful that you don’t push her away by being pouty if you don’t hear back immediately. That can push people away.
Also, be careful with the word “need”, and don’t trick yourself into believing that you need anyone else. I love my husband more than anything but I don’t need him. He adds to my life immeasurably, but the only person I need is myself. And unless I have myself I can’t give to anyone else, either – including him.
Just a few things to keep in mind. I hope this works out for you!
It is a very informative for those who are currently dating, like me. The person I am dating has so much in common with me such as our belief in religion, language, education background, food habits, discussion topics, but some reasons, we could not text as you did “You know what? I think I kinda like you”.
“Also, be careful with the word “need”, and don’t trick yourself into believing that you need anyone else. I love my husband more than anything but I don’t need him. He adds to my life immeasurably, but the only person I need is myself. And unless I have myself I can’t give to anyone else, either – including him”- So you are talking about self love and then give extra love to your husband and there is no need for other person but if you have someone, it is okay. It is not easy for me to digest or to understand. It seems too philosophical to me.
Let me see…What I mean is, thinking that you need someone is a dangerous path to walk. It can lead to thinking you need them in order to be happy…which can lead to thinking that they can make you happy in the first place…and that it’s their job. None of that is true, and it is waaaaay too much pressure to put on another person. It’s not fair to them. And I’m not saying that it WILL happen, but that it can. That sort of need can lead to or even border on codependency, which isn’t healthy for anyone.
We all want to be loved, and we all want to share our love with someone else. Saying “but if you have someone, it is okay” is false logic though. I’m not saying there is no need for another person in my life, because he adds to my life immeasurably, and like I said we all want to love/be loved. But I don’t need him in order to be happy – and it’s not a good idea to ever put that on anyone else because, let’s face it, they’ll never make you perfectly happy. They’re gonna have their moods and their bad days and their days when they just want to not take care of your happiness on top of their own. It’s just too much pressure to put on a relationship. Does that make more sense? I’d love to connect on this elsewhere if you want! 🙂
Well I was in a sort of open mood at the time – feeling rather excited, rather stimulated. Free, for once. 🙂
Thank you, Jennifer. This post is just what I needed to read today. A year ago I dated someone who I thought was so wonderful, idealized him beyond who he really was, not realizing I was falling for a manipulative narcissist, who “broke up” with me by simply not responding to my texts. A real catch, obviously. I was devastated, and blamed myself for him leaving. I’m still working on realizing that I push away men who treat me well while falling head over heels for guys who will never satisfy what I want in a relationship. The whole concept of perpetuating my own reality… my “reality” being “alone”, and the jerks I’m attracted to fill that role pretty well. As I continue my journey and in the dating world, thank you for the much-needed reminder that we don’t need to change ourselves to be lovable.
You have so much insight, Teresa! I’m sorry you experienced that pain – and yeeeeeah I know so well how it feels to fall for the wrong, most inaccessible men possible! – but you’ve come out so much smarter! I’m so happy for you now. None of us needs to change ourselves and in fact, the more we are simply ourselves the more likely we are to attract that long-term person who will love us no matter what because they’ve seen all of us. You know? We just have to trust that “all of us” is enough – because it IS! I wish you so much luck – and if you ever want to connect outside of this site, please reach out to me via the links in my bio. I just love talking about stuff like this – can you tell from my ramblings here? 😉 Much love!
Thank you for this post Jennifer.
A little over a year ago, I met a person who just took me as I am and didn’t want to change a thing about me. I was having mixed emotions towards him though, and it caused me to immensely push them away, only to later realise that I did really feel tremendous things towards him. It took me a while to realise that I pushed him away because of me, and not him, and by the time that I opened up to him about my mistakes and how I felt, it was too late as he just backed off and completely shut me out.
This really resonates with me:
“So much of the time we long for something else, something new, something better, but when the opportunity presents itself, we either miss it completely or we come up with a million reasons why it’s not right for us.”
and I think that is what happened with me. I can say that I relate well to what you felt before and I learned from my mistakes and it helped me grow. I still look back sometimes though and cry a little when I remember how I just couldn’t see it. Not sure why I do that. Maybe it just reminds me of how for the first time I just finally opened up and then watched someone walk away as I did that.
This story ended up very good! It shows that love requires two people to be brave to make it work.
Awesome .. Hats off.. i’m your fan !
This
article completely cements my belief in.. Whatever happens around us,
happens for a reason and we must embrace such lifetime opportunities
with open arms. We read too much in between the lines and get reluctant
of things we aspire for. And when they are gone, we are regretful.
And this is just not valid for relationships.. it also holds good for work place.
Would love to connect with you further..
Smiles 🙂
Renuka