“We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present.” ~Marianne Williamson
I’ve struggled with it.
Letting go, I mean. I’ve struggled with moving on from my past. I’ve struggled with ridding myself of guilt, shame, and grief. I’ve struggled with freeing myself from mistakes, past relationships, and worries about the future.
It’s not that I haven’t tried. Believe me, I’ve tried really hard. I’ve written goodbye letters, mentally cut the energetic cords, and fiercely gone back into the pain to free myself fully from it. I’ve cried my eyes out, talked about it, and brought it to my meditation pillow.
What I’ve tried has helped to some extent, but not completely. So, instead of moving on I’ve felt stuck between my past and my future. You know, like in limbo. And that’s not the place to set up camp; both you and I know that.
It’s frustrating because I’m fully aware of the importance of letting go and moving on. I know that attachment is the reason we suffer. I know that past pain, anger, and resentment holds us back. I know that holding on to the unwanted blocks the wanted from coming in.
Letting go is essential. But, it’s not always easy to apply theory to practice. If you’ve also struggled with it, here’s another approach that has helped me to truly let go and move on.
Why Letting Go is Hard
First of all, everything is energy. Our thoughts and feelings emit a vibration, and what we send out to the world is what we receive back. This isn’t some woo-woo thing—it’s quantum physics (source).
That means that whatever we give our attention to—wanted or unwanted—grows. If you focus on happiness, joy, and satisfaction, you’ll experience more of that. If you focus on pain, regret, and guilt, you’ll experience more of that.
Just think about it, have you ever tried to rid yourself of stress, only to have found yourself getting more stressed, especially when you knew you shouldn’t stress? Or have you told yourself to stop worrying, only to have found more things to worry about?
Mother Theresa knew about this. She said, “I was once asked why I don’t participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I’ll be there.”
An anti-war demonstration focuses on war, which triggers feelings such as frustration, anger, and hopelessness. A pro-peace rally, on the other hand, focuses on peace.
The same goes for letting go. Unless you’re able to truly let it go—meaning that you withdraw your attention completely from it—you’re more likely to focus on the unwanted and thus draw more of that into your life.
Step 1: Say “yes” to what is.
You cannot reject or push against the unwanted. You cannot focus on a problem and find the solution. Because the solution is never where the problem is. So, you need to shift focus.
You shift focus by first accepting what is. If you want to let go of shame, start by first accepting that you’re feeling shameful. Don’t argue with your thoughts and feelings. Don’t resist them. Don’t try to push them away. Instead, give them permission to exist.
As Eckhart Tolle said, “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” To reach complete acceptance, spiritual teacher Bentinho Massaro suggests a technique where you agree with your limiting and hurtful thoughts.
For example, to accept guilt over something that happened, tell yourself, “Yes, I’m guilty.” If you struggle with forgiveness, tell yourself, “Yes, that’s right, I can’t forgive this person.”
This doesn’t mean that what you’re saying is true. Instead, it’s a tool to control negative thoughts and emotions so they don’t control you. By agreeing with them, the battle between you and them ends. When there’s nothing more to argue about, they lose their power over you. Touché.
Step 2: Let in instead of letting go.
Once you’ve reached a place of complete acceptance, you can move on to the second step.
This is about inviting the new.
Letting go can easily trigger fear. When you leave something behind and don’t know what to replace it with, you leave space for the unknown. Change is always scary, especially when you don’t know what’s coming next. That’s why you might find yourself clinging to the unwanted because that’s what’s familiar and known to you.
To make sure that doesn’t happen, consciously decide what’s coming next. Let in instead of letting go. Rather than pushing away the unwanted, invite the wanted.
When I left my corporate job in search of a higher calling, I battled with shame. Shame for stepping off the beaten path, for making a controversial choice, and for not having a clear path in front of me.
It was when I finally stopped fighting shame that I was able to see clearly. That’s when I could invite curiosity to join me instead. Curiosity did the exact opposite of shame; it helped me see the opportunities, not pitfalls, of the unknown and taking the road less traveled.
If you want to let go of anxiety and self-doubt, invite peace and confidence. If you want to let go of a past relationship, invite a new loving relationship. If you want to let go of the lazy and dull version of yourself, invite an active and energetic version of you.
This can be done step by step. For example, let’s say that you want to move on from an ex-love. Maybe your focus isn’t on attracting a new partner directly, but rather on inviting a happier, healthier, and more loving version of yourself. Then once you feel ready, you can invite in the relationship you long for.
Focus On What You Desire
It’s frustrating to replay mistakes over and over in your mind. It’s frustrating to cling to things from the past. It’s frustrating when you try really hard, but are unable to move on. Not only does that taint your future, it also steals the joy from this present moment.
Instead of trying harder to let go, accept fully where you are. Embrace it completely. Say yes to all worry, shame, and guilt. Confirm all the negative thoughts and feelings so that you can release yourself from their grip. Simply, give up the battle.
Then, invite what you desire. Imagine, visualize, and fantasize what you’d love to have instead in your life. Tony Robbins said, “Where focus grows, energy flows.” Focus on the wanted, not the unwanted.
You got this!
About Maria Stenvinkel
Maria Stenvinkel is on a mission to help you move from fear to fearless—and to unleash your confidence, greater potential, and true self-love. Download her free and powerful worksheet: "The Secret to Boosting Your Self-Confidence [Easy Worksheet]."
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Thank you! This is the right message at the right time in my life! You’ve helped me take a few steps closer to being my better self! 💛✨⭐️
Oh I’m SO happy to hear that! I wish you all the best <3
Your message has struck a cord that I have needed to hear for a long time. I have been slipping for over a year down a very depressive past. People who have betrayed me, children that hate me, grandchildren who I am trying to help through all of their pain because of this past. I have had a broken heart for many years because of these traumatic events, but I have to let them go, have to step back and let the children do as best they can. I want to repair everyone, it is my genes, my mother was like this, my grandmother also. Everyone comes needing our help. But as I approach 70, I am worn out with grief and pain, all caused by betrayal. So I am taking your wisdom and I am hoping to be strong enough to let go. Thank you for writing this just when I needed to hear your wise words.
Thank you for sharing! Please know: you don’t need to repair anyone. We are all responsible for our own life and you give the best to everyone by taking care of yourself and letting the grief and pain be a part of the past – not the future. You deserve the very best and so please allow yourself to move forward. Turn that pain and grief into love and gratitude. Lots of love to you!
Dear Kitty,
Thanks for sharing your feelings and experience. There are no frontiers in pain, disappointment and wisdom .
You are strong – let go, we all make mistakes and wrong choices even when intending to do good, there is a quote that says that without those mistakes you wouldn’t have reached the understanding now available to you.
Good luck, 😊
This so resonated with me. Thank you. Even just the simple sentence ‘give up the battle’ made such a huge impact on me. I will print your words out and keep them as a reminder. I think, finally, now, I can engage myself fully in the present. Thank you for providing the key to the door to my happier, less hounded, future! 😊
Ohh, I’m so happy to read this! Yes, surrendering is powerful. I’m sending you lots of love. xoxo Maria
So helpful. Thank you. It is a struggle for me too, but I tried this exercise and realized that I have accomplished so much in my life.
Wow, that’s amazing! And it’s so true, we tend to look at what we haven’t accomplished instead of what we do have. Love your change in perspective. xoxo Maria
Hi, I tried the first a few days before this piece came to my email and gosh it really worked. I remember in the morning I woke up and feeling dreadful. I was broke, single, detached from my family and I felt completely alone and I asked this question every time, “Purna, what is it? Is it fear, shame, or guilt?” I identified it, acknowledged it, and accepted it. And it felt a lot better. I found it important to label the emotions once it arose and be fine with it.
Your comment just gave me goosebumps. Such a wise way to look at things. Sending you lots of love Purna! xoxo
This article is beautifully written, and precisely nails the way to move with and then beyond what is not good for your life. So much said with so few words.
Thank you so much Catherine! 🙂 Really appreciate your kind comment. xoxo Maria
This is so helpful for me. I sm going to try to incorporate this wisdom into my life. I can’t live with guilt forever and be happy.
I’m so happy to hear that Marlene! Let that guilt go. Love to you!
What a tremendous post. You take well worn advice and make it very practical and accessible. Thanks to you, the next time I think of letting go, I’ll think of letting in. Thank you 🙂
Thank you so much Cylon! I’m happy to hear that you liked it 🙂
Great post — thank you! Many of us trying to live consciously strive to be accountable in the wake of, say, a painful break-up. We want to do the hard work of growth; we don’t want to be one of those people who just move on to the next lover and do the same thing all over again. That’s really important — but so is recognizing when it’s time to again face forward and open to new possibilities.
So well said Cate. It’s all about the balance of learning and growing from our past and then moving on and opening up to a new and better future. What you wrote really resonated with me. Thank you! 🙂
Thank you for writing this, it gives me hope but at the same time it makes me angry. When you write it like this, it seems so easy. Just let it in, accept the feelings. Its so hard. Its so unbelievable difficult.
I am gay. My family knows this, I just came out of the closet recently. I am also in love with my best friend, he knows I’m gay, but not that I am in love with him. I try to accept that this is a situation I have to let go of. The love will never be returned from him. But every time he talks about a new girl he’s dating, I get angry. I am not able to accept the fact that he’s dating other people, even though I know that I am completely out of my boundary when I get angry with this.
This situation also makes me lonely, nobody knows I’m in love with him and I feel I am completely and utterly alone in my situation. I try to accept this and sometimes I believe I am on top of the situation. But then something happens and I lose control over myself and start to cry, unsure what to do next. I don’t want to lose him as my best friend, because I like him very much. But at the same time I don’t want to deny and hurt my own feelings, which happens way to much for what I can handle.
I’m not sure whether this will be a appropriate comment for an article like this and if its not I apologise. I just wanted to vent. Thanks again for writing this, knowing that there are people like you out there devoted to help other people fills my hearth with joy. I am sorry again if this is a weird comment, I just wanted to vent.
Hi Robert!
Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate it. Just because it can seem simple in theory doesn’t mean it’s easy to apply. Letting in and accepting those feelings isn’t often easy. It requires time and patience and yes…. it is really hard. I know.
Thank you also for sharing your situation and for venting. It’s so important to do that. I’m here and I listen.
Have you told him about your feelings? I know this might scare you, but that can really help in moving forward. Maybe there’s a chance he feels the same way (it happened to a lesbian friend of mine), and if not, then at least you’ve talked about it and it can be easier for you to move on.
Carrying these feelings alone can feel like a heavy burden. I know that saying it to that person can trigger a lot of fear… and you’re probably scared of losing him as a friend. Maybe you’d lose contact for a while, but then you could come back to each other again. My point is this: What do you need in order to feel better? Do that.
You seem like an incredibly nice and sweet person and you’re meant to live a good life. So think about what YOU need to move on. I’m sending you lots of love.
Love will find you <3
I have been reading tinybuddha for years and this post today touched me so deeply. Thank you! You have inspired me in ways you will never know.
Wow, thank you Niraj! Really really appreciate your comment. Lots of love to you! xoxo Maria
I’ve been struggling with unforgiveness for decades against people who have wronged me especially my dad who was very mean and abusive. He has since “passed on” and I still feel stuck in a negative rut. I’ve prayed and prayed for a method to break its hold on me. Letting in is a new strategy that I havent applied yet. Thank you for the new information
Thank you for commenting and telling your story! Remember that forgiveness doesn’t mean that what your dad, or someone else, did to you was right. It simply means that you no longer want to carry that burden. The strongest and kindest people on this planet have often been through the hardest of times. They’ve managed to turn that pain into wisdom and a desire to help others. I know you can do the same. Lots of love to you!
Thank you Maria for a nice and insightful article. It resonated with my understanding of acceptance and letting go.
I think people struggle with acceptance because of pain associated with it. So, they either hold feelings in or fight against them, which sadly, makes things worse. Treating pain as your teacher is the way to cultivate acceptance.
You used words letting go is letting in. It can also be said that letting go is letting it be, which basically means one do not try to fix things. This attitude is very helpful when one hits a brick wall, when there’s no escape.
Here’s something I am perplexed with. You wrote ” Focus on your desire”. I think different words could be used here. Instead of focusing, fantasizing on desires and that ‘perfect future, inspecting and observing your desires is the way to see how our minds plays these stories and make us believe that it will be the source of happiness.
This whole world is running on desires, not sure if you have noticed or not :). Desires aren’t the source of problem or we can get rid of them. Matter of fact, one should enjoy fulfilling their desires. However, its the interpretation of desires as a source of happiness and something permanent and satisfying, that cause suffering. Letting go of past is very important as it liberate us. But if one dwells on the fantasy of future, when I get this or that etc. it would be nearly impossible to stay and enjoy the present which is where one’s future is created.
Therefore, focus should be on seeing and inquiring the stories that your mind plays to make you run after your desires, rather than inviting and focusing on desires. Asking questions like – Do my desire cause harm to others? Will I be happy forever as my mind says to me? Will I bring pain and suffering to others if I fulfill my desire?
To put it simply, there’s nothing wrong having alot of money, enjoying luxury and comfort of lives, looking for a good partner etc. However, if we get caught running our lives on chasing this future, we will never be happy in present, similar to when we are caught up in ruminating about past. So, do what you can do in present and then let go, be at peace in this very moment, in midst of chaotic life.
Hi, thank you for your comment! Very well put it. I completely agree with what you say. I believe that it’s essential to enjoy the present and in a perfect world that would be how we would live. But since we have a mind that tends to wander, I also think it’s key to create, in our minds, a future that we look forward to. To change negative narratives we have running for better stories. Since we create our future in the present, it’s key to make up our minds where we can go and how we can live – without getting attached to those things. It’s a really interesting topic and I can talk about these things for ages 🙂 Love your input! xoxo
Hi, Thanks for your reply. It is indeed a very interesting topic and we can continue to talk for ages. I understand that you wrote this article with the intention to make people see more positive side of life rather than fixated on negative past, which is very kind of you. Sorry, if I come across as someone who’s picking on your article. My intention is only to write a reasonable comment.
We all know that this world is way far from being perfect. However, we all can work on our mind and be slightly less attached. Mind is meant to wander, unless one become enlightened or something (never met anyone yet, so not sure if it is possible) and yes, being hopeful about the future is the way to create it. Also, it is important to see that it is not the source of our contentment, peace or happiness and it is not permanent.
It is extremely hard to be not attach to that fantasy-future. And when things do not go the way you want them to go or they change with time as they always do or we fail in trying to achieve that future, whether its a relationship, job, home etc. We get utterly disappointed and despaired.
We need to see that its all delusions from our mind. Again, it doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t do anything. We must give everything we got to achieve whatever we want to achieve in life ( Job, career, love etc). But we also must stay in sync with the reality, which is that these things aren’t the source of happiness, and they are subject to loss with time as they are impermanent.
Cheers ! xx
Oh no you didn’t! I loved reading your perspective which I totally agree with 🙂 If we can’t find love, happiness and joy on the inside, we will never be able to find it outside of ourselves. At least not long term. One thing I like to think about is that everything I do in life – say creating a new project – matters a lot. While I do it I give it my everything. At the same time, it doesn’t matter at all. That thought helps for me to stay unattached.
Have an amazing day! xoxo
Thank you so much for this, Maria! Me and my girlfriend were forced apart because she is still dwelling in her past and I sent her this article, in the hopes she truly embraces and understands it.
You’ve put the idea of letting go so gently that I feel more confident and I’m sure it’s gonna help her, too. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Hi Philippe, thanks for your comment! Oh, I’m crossing my fingers for you guys 🙂 xoxo
Great post -shared:)
Thank you sweet Laura! 🙂
Beautifully explained…I’m going through a turmoil of emotions right now based on fear, however reading this article I realize that I can stop giving power to my fears by confirming them and inviting what I want…thank you so much for this insight. Much love and light x
Oh I’m so happy to read this Sati. Feed faith instead of fear 🙂 Lots of love and light back to you!
Hi Maria, Reading your article ,was a like a breath of fresh air at a time when i was and still having a tough time with my unreasonable husband who takes all my actions in a negative manner. In the process i get so disturbed and find it tough to get on with my daily routine but upon reading your suggestions i feel there is god and hope somewhere
Thank you for commenting! I’m glad that it helped. And yes yes yes… there IS HOPE. We’ve got to nurture faith, not fear. Lots of love to you! xoxo
Great post! Thank you for sharing your wisdom and message! Great advice/tips to ponder! 🙂
Aww thank you!! xoxo
wow !! Thank you sharing this post ! Wonderfully worded article .
Hi Maria , life changing article . I am in the process of letting go the stuff that doesn’t serve any purpose in my life . Your tips gave a confident to me .. Thank u
Wow, thanks Sandra! So so happy to hear that! xoxo
Great post! This is a total different way to look at it, with the same strong message. Letting is your freedom. Thanks for this great article.
Thank you so much Stefany! Love to you xoxo
A nice thought of relieving your jealousy ,ego,anxiety and past mistakes …
Thank you!
And I’ve been struggling with jealousy, and past mistakes with leads to mild to moderate anxiety. This hurt is eating at me
Thank you Maria for making it very clear that when you live in the past you are spoiling the moment, this is something I have always done, and have missed so much of my present time. I will always try to remember to focus on inviting the wanted into my life now.
Yes yes yes!! Love hearing that 🙂 xoxo
Thank you for sharing this. The biggest struggle I have is that I don’t know what to replace the negative thoughts/behaviours with. Affirmations and positive self-talk help a lot, but when it comes to DOING something more positive, KNOWING my desires and setting goals, I get stuck. I’ve heard that it’s helpful to do something that is both mentally and physically engaging. I feel like I’m near the crest of the mountain, but I just need to know the next step to push me over into fully letting go and adopting healthier mental behaviours. I’m realizing that defining my desires is going to take effort; more than I thought. It’s rare for most of us to be encouraged to discover our passion(s) and follow our hearts. We are not taught this, which is incredibly unfortunate. I’m currently working on The Desire Map book, but it takes time and effort. I don’t know how to evaluate myself. I don’t really know ME at all. I would love for there to be more tools for us to learn how to discover our passions so that when we want to distract ourselves from negative thoughts and focus on creating positivity, we actually know what to DO.
Hi Lucyna!
Thanks for commenting. Yes, I agree that it’s very unfortunate that we don’t learn earlier how to discover our passions and our calling. That’s actually what my blog FabulousMondays.com is about. You should check it out, I have a free worksheet there that I think you’ll enjoy 🙂
Try to make the whole process of finding your passions and desires fun. Don’t push yourself. When you feel like trying harder – don’t. You won’t find your desires from a place of frustration. And instead of looking for that great passion, follow your curiosity. Look for the small things that excites you and follow that.
When we are on a journey to discover ourselves, it’s easy to feel lost. To feel like we don’t know ourselves any longer. That’s perfectly in order because we’re challenging the identity we resonate with. Try to be easy about the whole process and trust that what you need will come to you. You can find me at my blog if you want to talk more. Cheers!
This is a great message. I’ve referred back to this article a couple times. Now I’m bookmarking it. Very helpful and thanks for sharing.
Aww thank you Doug! So happy that it helped you 🙂
Thanks maria for sharing your thoughts!
Best part of the article is that there is no preaching in that.
What have you written perfectly makes sense and it really helps to see things from other’s perspective and these things help when you are really looking for some, which is the case of mine.
Actually, i also wish to write similar articles.
Would you like to be a help as i would also like to contribute as you.
I’m happy to hear that you liked it! Unfortunately, I won’t be able to help, but I wish you all the best! xoxo Maria
Thank you so much for sharing this. I am 32 years old and have been struggling for 2 years to let go off the guilt, shame etc. from a strained friendship with three people. My issue has been always been trying too hard not to think about them and the pain they caused/vice versa. I will learn to implement your thought process and hopefully It works out! Please pray for me!
I will. Lots of love to you! xoxo
Wow, thank you. I just started the journey of positive thinking after reading about the law of attraction, and I already feel less stressed. And this article emphasizes just that. Thank you so much…
Awesome to hear!! xoxo Maria
Thank you so much for this. I have read it two days in a row and twice today ! I am currently going through a break up. I have been feeling so lost lately , and this really opened my eyes.
So happy to hear that Robert! 🙂
just what i needed to read! thank you so much for sharing. this really resonates with me and i felt relief after reading this. i’m going to read more of your articles!
Thank you for sharing! I actually know this process already yet I’m struggling to change my focus and heal. My first love(ex) hurt me to the core not just for ending it,but why(judgement from my past), how( embarrassing, in public), when(valentines day,same day my father passed), and a new man a week after we stopped talking(all over social media). This has brought so much pain,anger,resentment,and feeling betrayed. Its a lot at once and from my first love which has made me feel cold.lost,not very hopeful, and in the pits. Any suggestion to deal with several layers like I’ve expressed? I want to let go so bad I’m so tired and drained from it!
I’m going through something very similar, big difference is I’ve been married 36 yrs, I can tell you I understand but honey you have the rest of your life ahead of you and much yo look forward. Learn the lesson from it so it never repeats itself again, go to a good energy healer a get the cord to your ex cut and move on. Every day id the first day of the rest of your life, don’t wish for change BE the change you have a right to be happy!
I wish I was dead constantly, I have moved past fear and accepted I shall never find peace in this life, I am expendable ..the only way I can escape I’d the obvious choice of suicide…ill be cooking a meal and I stare down at the kitchen knife and wonder how bad the pain would be, and if I could accept the pain, how fast would I bleed out… Or if I’m driving I fight the urge to yank the wheel in front of am oncoming 18 wheeler
Hey John ~ My heart really breaks for you, as I can tell you’re in a lot of pain. I promise you you’re not expendable, even though it may feel that way. Have you shared what you’re feeling with anyone in your life?
I feel like John I’m very depressed and dad are over a best friend stealing $3500 for me and won’t even talk to me now I can’t get out of this dark hole I’m in
I acty feel u….
I’ve had alot happen to me in my life. And alot of it has to do with my mother’s choices in life. In my eyes she chose the partying life as her first priority, her friends second and to be a mother….. we’ll let’s just say I don’t really think she cared much at all. Sometimes she would not come home for days at a time, I remember coming home from a friend’s house one night and finding her so waisted that she was making out with a new boyfriend in my room and in my bed!!!! That made me so upset. That left me to be a parent towards my brother who was only 3 years younger than I was. Years past and I tried making a life for myself once I was an adult. I had my kids, my soon to be husband and finally got a job to support me and my family. As things were finally looking alright for me, My son gets diagnosed with Autism and 3-4 months later My mother got very sick(She was diagnosed with very severe MS). Me being the oldest, I was expected to step in and take care of her. This made me very anxious and depressed. But I stepped up,… left my job…did my best as a daughter to take care of my mother. Eventually she couldn’t walk anymore and was wheelchair bouned. As time went by things weren’t looking too great, I got so despressed. My mother expected me to be there all the time, she wouldn’t even let other friends, family or even nurses take care of her for a couple hours for me to have a break. I finally realized that I couldn’t do it anymore and had her put into a nursing facility. It’s been very hard not feel guilty of how she’s living now. But I also have this other side of me that is sooooo mad at her, the obsession of only having me care for her when she didn’t even do her best for me and my brother. At times I feel she doesn’t deserve my love when she didn’t even care to give love to her own children. It’s been a struggle to go see her at the nursing home. I just shut down when I think of it. I mean I do visit but not as much as other people looking in think I should. I know its horrible but I can’t seem to let go of my past. I’m scared that I won’t ever forgive her or worse, that she won’t ever apologize before she dies.
I was in exactly the same position as you Stephanie, in the fact that i cared for my mum but wouldn’t let anyone else help, it was an enormous strain, i said to my husband i will never be free of this until one of us dies…shortly after she passed away and i can’t get over the guilt of this and shouting at her.I did not know how bad she was and now i feel awful…so the pain for me still continues.i hope you find some peace.
How do you KNOW for CERTAIN that she hasn’t done her best?
Thank very much you for this. It has helped me a lot to let go of something I have not been able to let go of!
Jennifer
Hi. I don’t know if any of this matters or if anyone really cares…. I just feel so lost without my boyfriend who I dated for 6 years. I thought we were growing in love together, but after about two years, he started to fall out of love (which I didn’t know) and I was still growing closer to him (I thought). Finally on a trip to London, we had an argument (which I felt justified in having), but it pushed him to leave right then and find a hotel. I only saw him once again in the past 1.5 years. I still think of him everyday. And I constantly see and go over now all the hints I missed that he was signalling to me that he was losing interest in me. I should have been more loving and listened to his words and actions better, but I felt so confident in our relationship, that I never thought he would leave, so I felt comfortable in being nagging or controlling to some degree (even though I often gave up my schedule or adjusted my life around his schedule or insecurities… by the way, I am gay, and he is too, obviously. I am not in the closet, but he is, and he was living with his family taking care of his aging mother, so I could never visit him and he would only visit me basically 2x a week, even though he lived quite close). In short, I just feel so sad, because now I realize how hard I was on him for NOT fulfilling MY needs, while ignoring what he was going through or how hard life could be for him. When he left me in London, it shocked me deeply, and it made me replay all the past 6 years in my life. I began to see things so completely differently. I lost my anger at what I felt he was doing to me, and I began to feel so sorry for how I ignored what he wanted or what he was interested in doing, or in his life situation. I was basically demanding he have a relationship as I defined it, rather than work more around his world. He left, and now has a new boyfriend. I try so hard to leave him alone, but about once every 2 months, I call him or email him, but he has only answered just 2 or 3 times… each time saying I should move on. He is right. I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t really want to be with me… that is too painful. I begged him many time after London to try to meet for just coffee and try to restart things. I had changed,and I wanted him to see how sorry I was for how I failed him in carrying my part of the relationship. but he refused. Now, I have no choice but to leave him alone, because I truly do want him to be happy…. but it is honestly hard to wish that and hope that for him when I miss him so much. I have tried so hard to move on, but I can’t get him out of my mind. I even dream about him, and I feel my heart is teasing me and cheating me when that happens because sleep should be my one escape from my sadness. I am getting better, as I have days when I smile and feel ok, but eneviteably, a day or two or sometimes a week of missing him hits really hard. I don’t know how to move on. It has been 1.5 years since he left, and still I am shocked that I am NOT over this yet. I have even lost some respect for myself as I never felt I would be one of those “clingy” type people or “weak” people from TV talk shows that can’t seem to move on, but all my world is still to this day pretty much focused on him, but he is never coming back. I want to move on so much. Life it too short to suffer emotional pain for too long, as I have. And there are plenty of other guys I can meet and hopefully develop a real true loving long lasting strong relationship with (I hope) as I live in a big city. But, no matter how much I try to do other activities like remodeling my home, gardening, even meeting other friends, I just can’t seem to get him out of my my heart out of my mind. Help…. please, please help me. This suffering is not fun and it is wasting my life. I even have panic attacks to some small degree when I think about him or when I am near his home for shopping or to visit a friend. The temptation then gets so strong to call him or email him or visit his home. That essentially makes me a stalker, and I don’t want to be like that. He has a complete right to find happiness in his life, just like I want to find. Why should I begrudge him that? It is just I can’t seem to let him go. I replay our 6 years over in my mind, and I’m tired of it because to him it means nothing. He won’t even be a friend of mine, because I still love him he says (and I get exactly why he says that). I’m just a messed up person, and I want to get back to smiling and feeling happy and content in life as I used to. …. What happened to me???? I used to be so strong and confident and joyous… NOW, I’m like a whiny, insecure, weak, struggling guy like the people I see on those TV talk shows that I used to say in my mind “Grow up, and move on… life is so much more than that person for you…. It quite simple, just move on.”. But, I am one of those TV people….. I wish I could take a pill that would remove this pain from me…. I’d even pay big money for it.
Thanks for this post.
I actually have something which I am in need of clarity and reflection. So I have come to some kind of realisation that I am easily emotionally manipulated. For example, whenever I agree or understand with someone’s reasons, the person will praise me for agreeing or say something like “Ah, you are smart!” or something like that. But when I disagree or have my own conclusions, the same people will call me dumb, stupid, or irrational, or they yell even louder. It hurts (emotionally) because it feels like emotional blackmail or manipulation. I really should emotionally let go, not care about what they think, and retort “I’m sorry you feel that way, but this is what I believe.” (honestly, though, I can’t because I don’t think they can see or experience my perspective) however I don’t want to use that as an excuse to be closed-minded and stubborn, or actually misguided and stupid. I don’t want this to screw my relationships up.
I need help settling this painful conflict in my mind. How can I let go of this?
Note: I am not certain if they genuinely are trying to help me, or that they have a need to just want to dominate and control me.
A great piece of writing, succinct and easy to understand. It is also a pathway to the TRUTH. Personally, I would remove the sub-heading “Why letting go is hard”, because the way you explain it makes it incredibly easy to do – it could also put others off from trying something, that once accepted is life changing.
Your right, letting go is hard. I’m back where I started from a day ago…so sick of this misery.
I’m struggling with letting go at the moment. I’m trying to let go of someone whom I love very much but I find myself in a cycle of self loathing and sadness. It reached a peak this week with what I think was a minor psychotic episode that lasted about 5 days. I didn’t eat at all or sleep properly during the whole time and now I’m totally deflated. How do I attract what I desire when what I desire is what im trying to let go of and how can I be happy when I am trying to let go of the very thing that makes me happy? I’m in mental, physical and emotional turmoil.
I NEED HELP! My husband was working abroad and I’m left here in the country. He just got back home one month ago. During his 3 days I caught him cheating. A video in his phone (i guess u know what it is). Now we have trust issue. He has to stay here only for 2 weeks and I got crazy when I found out about it.
We have a good start which from the beginning all i thought my husband wouldnt do such a thing. What I believed is he loves me. We were together for 3 years not being far from each other and after that he left to work abroad. During our first 3 years everything was a happy moment. Everything was such a wonderful love story. Until our business went bankcrupt. That’s the unfamiliar feelings and fightings start till he went abroad.
Now that he is back there we were okay when he left the country and suddenly the trust has become an issue with me. Until the fight gets bigger. Now he is not communicating with me and he tild me he wanted some space and he wants to fix his life first? I started to beg, cry and was even calling all his friends. Im sonhopeless this time bcoz I have no means how to reach him.
I am feeling so frustrated, it was like the end of the world and i dont want to
Loose my husband bco i know withing me he is such a good man. He didnt deny the infidelity. He says sorry. Now he is not even communciating with me. What he did was eating me all over, im so broken, im so destroyed. But it looks like i am the one who’s begging for him to settlw our problem. It’s been a week we didnt communicate. Im squashed inside and outside. 🙁
It looks like he is the one who’s the victim here and he is blaming me for ruining his life. We lost a lot of money because of our business nad he is ao devastated.
I just need somebody to tell me what is good and what is right to save our marriage.
Whatever the bad mistake I know my husband is such a good person. I can’t just throw everything like that especially or marriage. Not that I love him so much, it’s the bond what we have is so special and for what he really is as a person.
I need help 🙁
This is very helpful. Thank you.
I love the quote by Eckhart Tolles.
I need help or some advices. I’m struggling with depression anxiety and traumas from the past… I’m very shy. I fight every single day. I’m dealing with this since 3 years. I don’t know what to do.. I’m so scared…. I can’t forget my boyfriend I miss him I remember all the moments I spent with him and when I was happy.. l still love him… but he left me and met another girl, he broke my heart lt’s not the first time but it hurts a lot more deep now.. I thought he was the love of my love… I’m stuck in the past… and I have negative thoughts all the time… I can’t anymore with my mind and emotions I feel like I’m in a deep dark hole.. How can I forget about him and leave my past behind, I’m living in the past and it’s worse, It sucks… My mind is so negative. I’m still holding up.
Rachel are you still there? I’m new here and your story is my story. Have you moved on? Have any advice if you’ve succeded?
Regards,
Benton
I have the same feelings, less now as I have worked through and physically avoid her as the pain is to much, After one year of Silence she messaged me to say she was with someone else. I avoid her as she enjoys emotional games. This was at time of much turmoil in my life with people passing away and family troubles. There are lot of people out there who are helping. look for joy to replace your pain. keep busy don’t sit stew on your problems, feel them and change your mindset. move on in your head. emotions is a feeling. find releases of your pain, get support and if you need someone else change and look for more support, stay safe, Keep the Love in your Heart..
Hi Rachel my name is Rachel, too! I would love to connect and be friends with you! I went through the same thing that you are going through! I am still learning to live with the past! And, I pray that we both are able to overcome it.
i went through 11 years of my life in constant fear of the judgment of my mother since a young age i felt like i had to slit my self into two because i feared being a dissapointment to my parents my mother has unresovled issues from her own mother growing up so it became a cycle of toxic shame parenting i have been an adult for three years now and i did some stuff in secret that my parents don’t know about because i did not about i was proud of it at the time but now randomly the shame and fear come back thanks to anxiety i still live with my parents i have acepted one side if my self but there is still the side that hides my shame and fear from four years ago i am a different person now but i still wear my smiling mask with a sign that says i am okay i am in a healthly relationship now and my boyfriend says that he will love me and never let me go no matter what anyone says or does or even if there is some thing wrong with me medically or otherwise he is sweet and caring he is the first thing in a long time my parents have aproved of but he is not the first relationship i have had i have had secret ones i am not proud of now and only feel shame i have adandonment issues rooted from childhood trama and loss of people i trusted and i fear getting close to people because my mother and because i fear the judgment of what if they don’t acept the real me .please help my health is not good because my stress and anxiety has physically taken its tole i just feel bad what if i held out a few more years what if i could really be the daughter that they wanted what if i had gotten help and confronted things long ago
I really love this blog article this is what i desperately needed for thank you so much writing such a wonderful post ….!!!
Great read! I think that learning from one’s mistakes and making proper amends are spiritually sound ways to deal with a painful past. Guilt, shame and regret however are not useful emotions and drain one’s energy. What’s helped me tremendously when I’m wallowing is to ask myself: ” what could I be doing right now to improve my life instead of this?”
I loved a girl the best I knew how 10 years ago. She was a few years older than me, and in some ways felt like a mother to me. That's probably why it hurt so much and I felt so abandoned when she seemed to discard me, as though our time together wasn't meaningful, while still seemingly trying to keep me hooked on her. I felt manipulated and mistreated. It took me until recently to cry about it (something I don't think I've ever done in my adult life), and I didn't know I could benefit from that. I have also realized in recent years, as I've had more interaction with my mom as an adult, the similarities between the two, even though that girl was from the other side of the world. I have been trying to learn how to give myself the love that I don't feel I've really received from another.
The pain can still come up some days, and maybe I have more crying to do. I am finding though, that I am starting to become thankful for the experience and the pain, because it reminds me who I am (I think I became disconnected from myself and hardened after that experience) and what I am capable of (the love, care, and looking out for someone that I gave).