“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” ~Brené Brown
When it comes to taking on a creative endeavor—or even just putting ourselves out there in ways large and small—one of the (many) ways we get ourselves stuck is by saying we don’t have anything new to offer.
What am I adding to the conversation that hasn’t already been said, we ask. This has been done to death, we worry.
Such a disservice to our own unique voices, I say. Not to mention the people who need to hear them.
I was the type of student who rarely spoke in class. I was engaged and excited by the material, but when it came to discussion or asking questions, I was so afraid of looking stupid that I typically clammed up—so much that a high school classmate of mine, a good friend, once yell-whispered “Say something!!” to me during a heated class debate in which I was anxiously silent. (That didn’t make things better.)
What I came to notice, though, through high school and beyond, was that people would often ask questions or make observations that I’d been thinking of, but that hadn’t occurred to me to say. And then I’d get annoyed that I hadn’t!
There, again, was the belief that I had nothing new or interesting to say. The fear went deeper, though: in all the ways I felt different, I worried that no one could relate to me. By remaining silent, I believed, I could avoid the pain of feeling rejected, or conversely, avoid the anxiety of having to discuss life circumstances that felt overwhelming.
Whether from others or within myself, the threat of rejection was everywhere. And so for years I unconsciously dismissed my opinions before they fully surfaced in my mind; but they were validated whenever someone echoed them.
Your experience matters more than you know, and sharing it could create the permission someone else needs to do the same.
It’s true: there’s a whole lot of similar content out there. We want to learn something new, be inspired, feel something special, be moved—and so we judge, because we feel cheated when we don’t get that.
We have all sorts of ways of writing off “derivative” work. And if we happen to have already started telling our stories publicly (as I have recently, finally!), the internal pressure to keep it fresh can threaten to stifle us further.
Gradually, I’ve learned that what we’re really seeking is integrity—the spark that comes from getting fired up about something and letting people see us there.
No one’s gotten your perspective on a topic yet. No one’s heard it the way you’d say it.
Even the most done-to-death idea might be waiting for you to breathe new life into it, because you approach a subject with your one-of-a-kind combination of life experience, personality traits, and philosophical leanings.
Your worldview, and your work, is yours alone. But your vitality is contagious, as is the courage you demonstrate when you bring it.
In reality, you don’t know what others have seen or heard or experienced. Your audience is largely unknown—particularly if your goal is to connect beyond your immediate circles.
If you’re bored by your work, that’s one thing; if you stall because you’re concerned about others’ judgment, understand that judging yourself first doesn’t serve you (as protective as this may feel).
Yes, we want a positive response; but releasing your honest work into the world is gratifying for its own sake. If your inner critic prevents you from doing even that, you’ll never get to know the positive impact you might make.
You’ll never feel the joy of hearing how your work has led someone to think of something in a new way; the warmth of learning that your work has come into someone’s life at just the right time; or the thrill of seeing how your ideas have inspired people to do something similar!
Creating, self-promoting, or speaking up might take time, but it’s worth it.
So, shy folks, if you feel moved to comment on something, go for it, because the passion that’s prompted your voice—and the vulnerability it takes to offer it—is what people want to feel.
Speaking your heartfelt truth is deeply satisfying, both to do and to witness. And, paradoxically, it’s that sharing of yourself that lets us all feel more connected.
Man speaking image via Shutterstock

About Shirin Shoai
A San Francisco-based psychotherapist, Shirin Shoai loves helping people become more fully themselves, particularly those working through anxiety, life and career transitions, relationships, and self-esteem. She provides a nonjudgmental, growth-oriented space for you to become the person you’re meant to be—while appreciating the richness of who you already are. Learn more at Restorative Psychotherapy.
Such a great article.. I can relate to it so much.. 🙂
There are many reasons why speaking up is beneficial. My professor recently shared why she does. Back in the 60’s she went to UC Berkeley and was taking a course. She was the only female in the class. She was the only person who asked questions and the rest of the class always thanked her because they had the same questions, they were just too shy / embarrassed to ask. At the end of the course they really thanked her because they would’ve never passed the course if it’s wasn’t for her! It changed her, I can tell. During her lectures she always asks us if we are understanding and to let her know if we have any questions. Great advice! Thank you for sharing =)
Glad to hear it, Swathi. Thanks!
Yes, empowering, isn’t it? Thanks for the comment!
Hi Shirin
This was so beautifully written and I think it will really motivate people who have been reluctant to share their experience in some way..perhaps someone toying with the idea of a blog for example.
I write a personal development blog, and I make it a point to infuse my own experience because that is what will make it unique. Like you said, there is a combination of experience, philosophy and personality, that will make for a spin that is all your own, provided we let these elements shine through.
I would also remind people that what seems obvious to you about a particular topic because of your familiarity with the subject may be something that would have never occurred to someone else, and your words could be life-changing for someone.
Great post!
G’day from the land of down under.
That is just what the doctor ordered for me today Shirin. Rarely do I post a comment to an article (and I read up to 10 a day on various topics) but today I found Tiny Buddha on Feedly and this was the first post I read.
Too often I voice my own story and rarely listen to others. So this has had a reverse effect on me today. Instantly I thought about work and relationships where I’m too busy thinking I know it all. Now I need to step back and listen to someone else’s unique journey, their flavour and what they bring to the conversation. Who knows, I might just learn a thing or two!
A fantastic article and I look forward to learning more about myself as I continue to read on.
Much peace and respect,
Craig
Sometimes it’s hard to have a voice EVEN WHEN you are KNOWN to have a voice. I know the frustration. It’s even more frustrating because people label me automatically as being that one person of “being able to be heard” and it’s simply not true. It’s tiring, frustrating, disheartening.
Thanks Shirin for sharing this article . It highly relates to what i feel .
I’m starting to not judge myself …and this comment is the beginning .
Thanks for your comment, rishabh. Keep it up with the nonjudgment!
Yes! Thanks, Kelli.
Thanks for the perspective, Craig. How wonderful to connect through listening–great point!
Thanks for commenting. I think it’s important to be gentle with yourself around expectations (others’ or even our own, of ourselves).
Being a stuttering person for 20+ years, it’s been always so hard to comment or ask questions. Your article definitely has some valuable points. I am starting to feel that what I bring to table is important. People appreciate it, because for me to say smth is twice harder than for people with fluent speech.
It seems to me that people lacking in a needed life quality, like self-esteem, for example, almost always find themselves in situations that challenge the lack of that quality. How many broadcast announcers were stutters? My lack of self-esteem while growing up has gone through many difficult life passages, and now I wonder if my web-based directory for evaluating online self-esteem improvement programs will succeed. Perhaps this is yet another level of testing of who I am as a person.
I can relate to this article so much. I think I have trouble speaking up mainly because I like to process the information that I’m learning fully before asking questions. And often that can take longer than most people, so it seems like I’m being really quiet. PS I hate when people comment on how quiet I’m being, it doesn’t make me want to talk any more.
One of my professors in college required us to speak at least 5 times in class, but she also let you write down 5 comments/questions for those who didn’t like speaking and that was a HUGE help for me. It let me fully form my questions or comments without feeling pressured. I’m much better at writing out my ideas than speaking them, so that’s what I try to do 🙂
Nice Article Shirin,
Thanks. I wonder whether it is appropriate to add my comments on this when others’ are more than 5 months old! Will they be too late?
Thank you for the post. I struggle to speak up. Never used to, but years of emotional abuse and believing what I had to say wasn’t worth hearing has me not wanting to speak much at all, even though I know I have lots to say.
This has moved me one step closer to speaking up. Thank you.