“With nothing to compare yourself to, aren’t you perfect?” ~Byron Katie
I have never liked competition. Every time I compete, I feel pressured and disconnected from others. I love harmony, peace, collaboration, and win-win situations, kind of like “me happy, you happy.” I don’t need to watch another person lose the game to feel good about myself. I don’t need to dominate or put someone else down in order to feel superior and worthy.
In some cultures, competing is perceived as a sign of ambition, power, and strength. Most of us grew up hearing constant comparisons, which turned into a habit during our adult lives:
“Do I look better than her? I want to be slimmer.”
“How much is he earning? I want more.”
“Where does she live? I want a house at least that size.”
And so on…
In my home country, Romania, like in many other places, the schooling system was a fierce competition to get the best grades and be the first in the class. As a child, I remember spending an average of ten hours a day studying and doing homework during weekdays. I hardly had any time to play and relax.
Teachers were always making comparisons between students, parents would compare their children to their friends’ or neighbors’ kids, and no one truly encouraged individual talents.
As a result of this conditioning, I ended up struggling with serious self-esteem issues for many years. As a young woman, I didn’t see myself as good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, or successful enough, and I desperately tried to be perfect.
When I wasn’t competing with other people, I was competing with myself. I was always striving to be the best friend I could be, the best daughter, or the best employee at work. Pleasing others was addictive because I felt validated whenever I heard “well done!” And then I wanted to do even better.
I am not here to blame. I am not a victim. My parents did the best they could at the time, and society did the best it knew, so I am not blaming but instead looking for hidden and limiting beliefs that have worked against me. Here’s what I have realized I need to do:
1. Stop competing with other people.
“Comparing yourself to others is an act of violence against your authentic self.” ~Iyanla Vanzant
Our society often encourages competition. There are some circumstances when we have no choice but to compete—when applying for a new position at work or attending job interviews, for example. However, there are situations when we make the rules, and the choice is entirely up to us. We can live our own lives and mind our own journey, or we can choose to compete with others over who’s more attractive, wealthier, happier, or more successful.
During my single years, I often compared myself to other women. Most of them seemed settled; they were married and had the house, the men, the kids, and the dog. I used to feel like a failure, as if something were wrong with me. I met my husband when I was thirty-six. We were two Romanians working in Asia, for the same company. Small world, indeed. We’ve been happily married for four years now.
So here what I’ve learned: Everyone is on their own path, and we all do what’s right for ourselves, in our own time. I believe we live in a supportive Universe where everything unfolds perfectly—at the right time, in the right place. Comparing ourselves to others is an infinite source of stress and frustration, and it doesn’t serve us well.
2. Stop competing against myself.
“Doing your best is more important than being the best.” ~Zig Ziglar
Perfection is nothing but pure fiction, an illusion created by our minds. It’s also a learned practice. Most of us were raised to constantly strive to become better people—to focus on our flaws and perceived limitations—and we either take our strengths for granted or aren’t even aware of them.
While we are all learning from our experiences and mistakes, we also need to be aware of our gifts and talents. We need to celebrate our uniqueness and detach ourselves from the toxic habit of comparing ourselves to others.
Yet here I am, in my forties, still reading about infinite ways to become a better human. With so much focus on the need for improvement, particularly in the personal development industry, I wonder when I am ever supposed to turn into the best version of myself and find peace.
So I’ve stopped competing with myself. I refuse to fight against myself so that I can reach the end of the tunnel, and I am no longer waiting for the magical day when I will become perfect and faultless.
Why turn my life into a never-ending competition? True friendship is not about competing against each other. It’s about support and collaboration. Why act as my competitor when I can be my own best friend?
As the Chinese proverb says, “Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.”
If I am to spend my precious time waiting to grow into the best of myself, there will always be something to change, add, fix, or transform so that I can finally feel whole and complete.
Life doesn’t have to be such a daily struggle. I don’t have to fix myself because I am not broken.
I embrace the entire repertoire of my humanity with self-love and compassion. I choose not to be a “work in progress.” My desire for growth is about taking each day as an opportunity to learn more about life and myself.
That’s how I discover who I really am and what brings me genuine happiness and fulfillment. By releasing old patterns and limiting beliefs that don’t serve me well, I get closer to my real human essence. My life is all about experiencing things as they come. It is a journey of self-discovery, not self-improvement.
Since I changed my perspective, I’ve stopped beating myself up. I now talk to myself kindly. I treat myself with dignity and respect. I know I am worthy of the best things life has to offer, and it is my birthright to be happy. My happiness is nothing to compete or fight for.
I also choose to see myself as perfectly beautiful and beautifully imperfect. I celebrate my mistakes as much-needed opportunities for growth. I celebrate both success and failure because this is what makes me wiser. I treat every life experience as an opportunity to learn new things about myself and other people.
Furthermore, I’ve learned to forgive myself for my mistakes in the same way I forgive others, knowing I am also human. As a student at the school of life, I will sometimes rise and sometimes fall, and that is okay. I no longer strive to become the best version of myself. Instead, I always do the best I can. When I know I’ve done the best I could, there’s no room for regrets. Whenever I know better, I do better.
I am enough and worthy, so I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. Not even to myself. Newborns and babies do not compete against each other. They love and approve of themselves as they are. In our competition-oriented society, we need to remind ourselves more of our true nature, which is balanced, loving, and peaceful.
I believe the world needs fewer fighters and competitors. The world needs more givers, peacemakers, and soul nurturers, and it also needs more compassion.
The day I stopped competing against myself and others, I set myself free.
Artwork by Rebecca Freeman
About Sara Fabian
Sara Fabian is a Women’s Empowerment Coach who helps modern, professional women grow their confidence and get loved, wealthy, and successful by rising into their feminine power. She is a trainer, writer, and Certified Professional Co-Active Coach with the renowned Coaching Training Institute, and a mother, a wife, and a lover of cultures. For a confidence boost and weekly inspiration, sign up for her free newsletter or join her free private Facebook group, Women Who Rise.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Most of the responses here are two years old. So I have little hope that someone will still drop by. However, since I am quite desperate here’s my situation (and perhaps someone can help after all).
I am married to a man who does whatever he pleases. Sometimes he’s kind. Sometimes he helps me. But only if he has nothing better to do. Today for instance (Sunday after the tormentingly long Christmas holidays) he first only told me he was going to play golf. I thought, well, good on him, he gets some exercise, the holidays were really long. This morning only by coincidence he tells me that he plays gold (only the two of them) with a fifty-plus female he has known for a while, a person who is rich, who is a flirt, who always desperately looks for a man to get her claws into even though she has never been married. Other people’s husbands are just so much more attractive to this despicable thing, because she feels powerful, taking them away from their own partners. Many of the golf crowd know what she is about and carefully keep their distance. Not my husband though.
It makes me desperate. I am thrown into a competition I do not want and only because this despicable pirate hasn’t had any luck with other men so far. I don’t want her in my life. I don’t want her meddling with my stupid husband. And yet there is nothing I can do.
Christmas itself: I have an adorable grandchild. Unfortunately she has two very possessive grandparents from the other side. While usually the parents of the mother are the favored grandparents in my circle of friends and acquaintances, this is not the case here. They always play themselves into the foreground. They made a photo book for the child with only the child, her parents and themselves in it. And to top it off with scorn, my daughter told me they said that “unfortunately they didn’t have many photos of us” ….. there was not a single photo of us, the “disregarded” grandparents in that book. Only the other grandmother who sees herself as something terribly grand was in all the pictures, prancing and preening, showing off as if she owned the grandchild completely.
i’m at at the end of my tether as we speak. Christmas was such a write-off. Put down everywhere and by everone. And no way out. Can somebody help me?
This made me smile all kinds of yes – thanks for sharing xx
I’m also not sure how comparing has become such a negative idea. We are an intensely social species. We compare and evaluate all day long. It’s a tremendously useful tool to determine whether or not you’re in line with the rules or values, whether you are achieving within a normal expectation, determining where your strengths are, understanding others.
The whole of life isn’t a self contained cosy validating therapist’s couch. There is an immature narcissism to this flight from anything that might feel critical or have expectations.
Dear Sara, thank you for sharing your insights. This is truly empowering and encouraging. We are surrounded and permeated by competition from the moment we are born and even before. Sometimes I don’t even realize competition crept in until noticing that I am strained or distanced in company or at work or … That is soooo sad, because it disconnects me and stands in the way of compassion and empathy and true love … It isn’t rational. The moment I start to think and to find arguments, why it is important to be better, thinner, more attractive, more wise … nothing really substantial comes to mind. There will be no medal at the end of life. I guess you are right, that the only reason I compete is because I think I am not worthy of love and that somehow being better than others will eventually show them, that I indeed am worthy. I seem to miss the fact, that the only one who needs to be convinced is my self ;-)) I am often confusing admiration with love and fondness.
Thank you for sharing, Sara. It is so hard not to compare. It is something I have been working on lately and dang if it isn’t addictive to compare myself to others. But the more I seek solace inward, the more courage I gain and the less I look for validation from others – the less I seek to put others down.
Hi Trisha, very true this is an ongoing job as most of us have been raised to compete and compare. But it comes with a high amount of freedom. Blessings!
Thank you for sharing, Silvia. I can empathize with your sharing, I’ve been there as well. It took me a while to understand I wasn’t worthy because other people said so, but simply because I choose to believe it.
“You yourself, as much as anyone else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” – Buddha
I’m glad it resonates, Stephanie.
Thank you all for your comments. To me they show that nothing is as simple as it seems at first sight ;-))
Judgement:
Judgement ist neccessary to orientate in the world – to get to know what I value und what is good for me. It is important to be aware of our limitiations concerning our access to objective truth, because we always look through the lens of our experiences and believes. Therefore our “judgements” – or maybe more accurate “interpretations” – always can err. We have to take our own misjudgements into consideration and be more spacious. Whom I think “weak” may possess just another form of strength, I am unable to recognize yet …
Competition:
There is a difference between healthy striving (developing your skills, test your limitations) and perfectionism (having to be the best to all costs and letting your selfworth be dependent on your evaluation on the “market” – as Pieter points out.
Competing in contrast to healthy striving, needs others to be less … Judgement then degenerates towards the need to lessen others or myself. This is the reason why it is wise to judge not, so that ye be not judged”. As I observe it, I judge myself the same way I judge others. If I am unforgiving and harsh with others, I am also that way with myself and vice versa. And Judgement in this context means “condemning the entire person” (in the Bible it hints at the context of court) and not “assessment or evaluation”. In that sense judgement also differs from holding someone accountable, which is totally neccessary, but which points towards a deed or a wrong decision and not at the personality being basically faulty.
These are two very different attitudes.
I wish my own attitude was to be gentle with myself and others, yet holding us both accountable. I wish my own attitude was to contribute and to cooperate and work joyfully together. I am very aware of the fact that society at the moment is economically (and educationally …) based on competition and on lessening one another. I wish for this to change and I am willing to contribute to that whereever I can.
Interesting article and debate.
Coming to terms with the idea and experience of competition is important part of becoming. As Idle Primate points out competition may be necessary as it can push us towards our better selves, yet as in all things the opposite exists within each other, so computation can also crush growth and lead us astray. In both cases is the opportunity to learn something.
For myself competition wasn’t so much the problem as the tendency I had of attaching my sense of self to the outcome of the competition, comparison or judgment. If I loss I was bad, if I won good…
As I gained a better awareness of my relationship to competition and judgments and detached my sense of self from outcomes I created the space where when I learned better I could try to do better or in your words “My desire for growth is about taking each day as an opportunity to learn more about life and myself.”
Does that involve competition? Sometimes, it has it place as something to “push of off” of however “I” am not the competition or the result, or “a work in progress”.
It is interesting.
I have often wondered about the command to “Judge not, that ye be not judged”.
My observation is that many make the error for that to mean that making any form of Judgment/comparison to be wrong. They miss the point that the suggestion is to be careful in how one judges, measure, compare and label as it will reveal as much about yourself as those you judge or compare yourself against. The realty is that life requires us to make judgments all the time if only to survive, some practical, some personal. What is required is discernment and wisdom.
I know I don’t want to be judged as “being” bad because I stole candy when I was young yet I continue to judge stealing as wrong. I was held accountable for stealing the candy as I would hold others accountable who steal (accountability is an attribute of unconditional love) However I would not attach the judgment “wrong” or “bad” to the identity of the person who stole. In this case I judge/compare as I would like to be judged. It is not always easy
.
Well said – I also “wish my own attitude was to be gentle with myself and others, yet holding us both accountable. I wish my own attitude was to contribute and to cooperate and work joyfully together.” I think its possible
Nicely quoted
The mindset behind competition has always been to pit us vs others, and in turn makes us look down on others, makes us despise others. This is why I cannot stand it, because instead of us working together to better society as a whole, we have to compete for some reason to get ahead of others, even though we all should be benefiting, we all should focus on us, focus on our time, our lives. Only when we stop competing and start working together can we truly end things like starvation, poverty, homelessness, war.
we’re not originally taught to compare, it’s a learned mentality. As a child, you do not see others as lesser, you do not treat others a certain way, but as you start to socially interact with others, you start to be taught to judge, to live by others standards instead of your own. It’s why we have war, why American’s have this idiotic ideology that we’re supposedly better than other countries when statistics state the opposite, why people get angry at the poor for needing assistance yet are more than happy to give their tax money to the wealthy. It’s why we’re so obsessed with keeping others out of what’s nothing more than a massive chunk of land that you don’t even have any true ownership over. Also this ideology of competition is why people are okay scraping by and screwing over those they work with just to get a bs title and a pay raise. So no, comparing yourself to others has never been good, and has always been a means to keep you in what society deems of you instead of you working with others and working together to create amazing things, where instead of us all working together to have better health, getting rid of poverty, getting rid of homelessness and starvation, you’re instead focused on how you need to outdo others, even though there’s nothing to outdo.
I had replied a lengthy thorough response to your comment, but it seems to have been deleted. That is very frustrating. getting sick of the internet.
I’ve competed since I was quite young, and almost half a century later it begins to feel like a crusty old coat, that has almost completely deteriorated.. but the memories keep it intact.
Sometimes when I compete it is beautiful, win or lose and I feel that within the group. But mostly it just gnaws at me.. the self loathing I feel from my fellow competitors is palpable. And when that train is going down the track, I have no joy.
I used games for many reasons, which I shall now look at more instead of more habitual click and play moments that add up so much, my real life isn’t being lived. It’s like supporting an impostor and living a double life.
Thanks for listening, that was the tip of the iceberg <3