“Don’t change so people will like you; be yourself and the right people will love you.” ~Unknown
I’ve always felt the pressure to fit in. There’s always been a gap between what I want to be and what I think the world thinks I should be.
I was a tomboy growing up. I climbed trees when other girls played with dolls, I played soccer in my teenage years when other girls wore dresses and went to parties, and even as an adult I preferred to watch the Saturday afternoon game rather than go shopping.
But the pressure to fit in and be liked turned me into a social chameleon. I tried to be the person I felt I should be so I’d blend in with those around me, whether that meant spending a Friday night at the pub or attending a corporate meeting at the head office.
Psychologist William James said, “A man has as many social selves as there are distinct groups of persons about whose opinion he cares. He generally shows a different side of himself to each of these different groups.”
I’ve spent my life trying to fit in. I’ve always wanted to please people, to make my parents proud, and to receive approval from anyone and everyone—my family, friends, partners, bosses, and teachers.
So without even realizing it I would change myself, my desires, and sometimes even my opinions to fit into whatever mold was required at the time. But if you’re constantly trying to prove your worth to people, it may be true that you’ve already forgotten your value.
Last year I quit my corporate career to pursue my dream of being a writer and yoga teacher, but it took many years to get to that point. For so long I’d had these dreams in my heart, but the logic of my head overruled.
There was always a difference between what I wanted and what I thought I should want—my opinion and the norm of society somehow differed—and I’d always assumed I must be the one off beam.
This leads to a life of sacrificing ourselves to please others, living their dreams at the expense of our own.
I found the more I listened to, abided by, and fuelled these stereotypes, the more I was defined by them—defined by my career, the clothes I wore, where I was from, how much money I had, and what kind of car I drove. But none of this was really me, so why was I letting it define me?
We live in a world where we are surrounded by ideals. The media presents us with better versions of just about everything, creating a mindset that we should be striving for more. There’s no wonder so many of us feel like we’re not enough.
We need to be richer, slimmer, fitter, happier, nicer, different in some way. The point is, we are all different and there is no right or wrong.
To find true happiness we must be true to ourselves, live our own dreams, and be proud of what makes us unique instead of feeling the pressure to follow the crowd.
It’s easier said than done, I know. It helped me to ask myself: What makes life worth living? How would you like to be remembered? What do you admire about others?
It may also help to reflect on what you wanted to do when you were a kid. Often this holds the key to what we held dear before we were influenced by what other people think.
Take a moment to consider what your strengths are and be clear on your core values. It also helps to seek out like-minded people. Not only do we feel at ease with them, they also help us grow and flourish in accordance with our true selves.
Remember, everyone has their own version of ‘normal,’ and none of us are right or wrong. We should not expect ourselves to all be alike, but rather respect our differences and value our skills despite them being different.
When we are comfortable in our own skin, we are not fighting against or with anyone, as we’ve discovered our own true nature and are living in accordance with it. We are courageous enough to live our own truth.
Unfortunately, there will always be someone more beautiful, clever, talented, or stronger than you, but the reverse is also true. There will always be people less than you in all of these areas.
So instead of comparing yourself to others, look to see if you’re fulfilling your own potential to the best of your ability. As a nation we seem obsessed with comparing ourselves, but rather than thinking about what you should be like, try just being you. Simply be—as you are.
You don’t see a sparrow comparing itself with a pigeon, and although we put different prices on timber, none of the trees feel inferior or superior.
In nature everything is needed and it all has its place. It all fits together and is equal. Whether you’re a blade of grass or a mighty oak tree. it doesn’t matter; you are needed and you have your place in the world.
The ancient meaning of the word courage is “tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.”
It is all about being true to yourself.
Let go of who you think you should be and be who you are. Everyone is coming out of their own closet, emerging to be the person they really are, their true self, and worried about what others may think and if they’ll be accepted.
That’s why it’s so important to connect with authenticity and compassion, but you can’t be compassionate to others without being compassionate to yourself first. Don’t change so people will like you, be yourself and the right people will love you.
Stand out from the crowd image via Shutterstock

About Jess Stuart
After a successful career in the corporate HR world Jess decided to follow her passion in Health and Wellness as a coach, speaker, and author. A qualified yoga instructor who has trained in Buddhist meditation and mindfulness, living and working in many countries Jess draws her life experience into her work to share the principles of health and happiness.
I love the quote you chose for this article. Thank you.
Inspiring post! Thank you for sharing this message, and insight! I love when you said “Remember, everyone has their own version of ‘normal,’ and none of us are right or wrong.”, and the ancient meaning of courage! 🙂
This is the best article ever!! Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience, Jess. I feel that as human beings, we’re one of kind, and nobody can replace the REAL you.
It took me a while to be comfortable in my own skin, and honestly, I’m proud of my accomplishments. People will have their opinions of me, so I don’t need to explain and prove myself to anyone. Besides, nobody knows me better than myself.
it’s a good article but i’m afraid i’d like to argue on one thing in this article
i didn’t like the part where you made an example of quitting your corporate job for a “fun job” as a writer and a yoga teacher, I know you’re now happy being a writer and a yoga teacher, but without those years of having a corporate career, you wouldn’t be able to afford to be a full-time writer and yoga teacher, i get the “be yourself” thing, but people can be themselves in an office setting, no office decides what you wear(as long as it’s appropriate) or where you go and do after office hours, why give the example?
i’ve seen too many of these articles online, i worry for those young people who will fall for such things.
dropping a good career and a great income-generating job for a low-income passion in today’s economy is just bad advice for others especially those who are just starting out in life, because, unlike you who have saved up enough money for your retirement, young people who are just starting out and decide your advice is great and became an ice cream scooper in an exotic country because it’s ‘stress-free’, fun and unique(like that one article i read), have to struggle to make ends meet, they will never be truly happy despite the stress-free job,
one’s true self is not determined by what job they do for a living.
ice-cream vendors in my country work so hard from sunrise to sunset and make so little, i don’t think they’re truly satisfied with their lives, most of them that i’ve asked wished they have a better job, but just push through everyday and work hard so their children can graduate from college and work in a good stable job, then some stranger online oblivious to the real struggle of life of those actually scooping ice-cream for a living, goes in and degrades such “mindless office jobs” that these actual ice-cream vendors aspires for their children is just very insensitive.
people can be themselves and fit in society, if you’re truly comfortable with your own skin, you don’t need to do something so drastic like dropping anything, if you have to try hard to be different, that’s not being yourself anymore, that’s being different from everybody else, which contradicts “being comfortable in your own skin”.
you’re already different from everyone, why do something so odd and strange or unique just so you can tell everyone you are your true self? unless people are truly happy doing what they do and are good at it, i find those people trying so hard to seem different look the unhappiest of all, as they’re sole purpose is to be different, they have to constantly check themselves if they are still different or have slowly merged into the norms of society, and either way, they’re unhappy because they’re either not being different enough, or they’ve failed at standing out from other people.
Thanks for your comments, always great to hear other views.
There are certainly many people happy in office jobs and they are also living true to
themselves but it wasn’t for me and that’s the point, it’s different for everyone and that’s what makes us special.
For some it means that living true to what they hold dear is earning money however they can to support their family and this is both admirable and commendable, no-one would ever degrade such a thing. As the post says, everyone is going through their own struggles and being true to yourself is one way of making the struggle a little lighter.
In my mind there’s no such thing as a ‘mindless job’ and I’m a firm believer that if
you love what you do you’ll be successful so it’s important to find something
you love doing. But it’s so much more about money and career and as you say ‘one’s true self is not determined by what job they do for a living’.
Incidentally I have no money, but I do have happiness and that’s about being true to who I am and my values which is what makes me comfortable in my own skin. This should not be confused with trying to be different or feeling pressure to buck the trend, that is not what this is about and that’s not being true to yourself.
If you are trying hard to be different then by virtue you are not being yourself! As I mention there is no ‘normal’ so there’s nothing ‘odd’ or ‘strange’ about being yourself even if that is different.
We are all going through our own struggles which is why connecting with compassion is so important, wishing you every happiness on your journey.
Jess
Thanks so much for your feedback, glad you liked it and well done on your achievements you should be proud! You put it very well, I couldn’t agree more.
Thanks for your message, appreciate the feedback, glad it resonated with you x
Thanks Anne, it one I always try to keep remembering to apply to my own life!
We sacrify our true self in order to “fin in”, because we don’t want to pay the price for being loyal to our true nature (that price would be… some people’s rejection, or being misunderstood) but then the price we pay for living inauthentically is much higher -a permanent feeling of non-satisfaction, frustration, lack of joy, addictions to compensate for all those painful feelings. Those who won’t understand and support your choices (when it’s obvious they are the right choices for you, because they make you happy) don’t deserve to be around; you will attract the right people.
Jess-
You’ve chosen an important topic. Thanks for taking it on.
What this is about is establishing healthy self-esteem and self-compassion. Unfortunately for most of us, this lack of self-worth becomes ingrained in our subconscious at an early age.
I noticed that you did not give nay methods for breaking through this towards being vulnerable and authentic. Personally, I go for self-hypnosis to go to those deep places needing change.
Hi Don, thanks for your comments, I agree self compassion is a huge part of accepting who we are. There are many methods and it’s finding what works best for each individual. Glad you have found something that works for you, for me it’s meditation. Thanks for sharing
Well said Paula
Good Article!!!! I have always been “different.” I had my own style and way of doing things.. I tried to fit in by doing or acting like others. Eventually, I didn’t feel complete. I felt like I wasn’t being my true self. And trying to fit in wasn’t working but I was born to be “unique” as we all are. As time went on, I embraced who I really was and felt good about myself because I was flowing in my being. That’s important!!! As individuals, we all have a sense of what works for us. However, the trends of life can deter us.. Being who are truly meant to be is an explainable feeling because you are able to share a part of yourself with others and vice versa.
Good on you, well done! Thanks for sharing x
This is a good read, as an outspoken one of my old friends, I would always express views with passion and conviction, they didn’t like this which resulted in being ignored and not invited places, I was never rude, but then I had to look at my social circle, they all wanted to get wasted and do nothing productive. I wanted to read, educate myself, be involved in political affairs and pursue a great career, well … nearly there at 25… Not to bore anyone just letting off steam
I find it unfortunate that we must always judge and pick each other apart all the time and as a result, we feel the need to adjust our behaviour so that we can “fit in”, whenever something negative is said about us. It’s a basic human need to want to feel accepted for who we are but no one ever seems to want to be the first to do the accepting of others. We all are products of our genetics and environment, neither of which we have much control over and I feel that we should honour ourselves as we are. We can definitely seek self improvement if we desire but we should never be changing ourselves for others.
Thank You
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Incredibly well said and expressed Jess. Thank you for this post. I’m working on the exact same issues these days. 🙂