“When something bad happens you have three choices. You can let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.” ~Unknown
I’ve learned to be thankful for my first heartbreak.
Of course, at the time of the crime I struggled to see anything positive in it. My mind could see the good, but my heart struggled against it.
It was literally as if someone stabbed my heart; there was a problem that caused my body to stop working properly. I couldn’t cry. I didn’t eat for a week. I didn’t sleep for two. And my mind constantly raced thinking of the perpetrator.
In fact, I still think of him occasionally; it’s so hard to turn off.
Like during any trauma your body faces, it tries to repair itself so it can be whole again. My remedy? To stay busy, pretend everything was great, and throw myself into dating other people the very day things broke off.
I became emotionally promiscuous. (And sometimes, maybe, just promiscuous).
Normally my standards are that I date just one person at a time and don’t get intimate with anyone until I’m in a relationship. I’m usually very conscious of who I date and intentional of how I treat them.
But now that my heart was hurt, all those rules were thrown out the window.
I dated guys just to date someone. It didn’t matter who they were, if I had dated them before, or even if I really liked them. I was just trying to distract myself and not feel the pain.
I wanted to display the image that I was fine, happy, healthy, and so over the perpetrator. Maybe I even did it to hurt him, like he hurt me.
Eventually I decided to settle on dating one guy, someone who was kind and treated me well.
Pretty soon he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes, but not because I was really into him. I did it because I wanted to be into him. I hoped that if I were his girl I’d soon forget about the other guy.
But I never did. And when I realized I never would, I had to break things off.
While trying to heal my heartbreak, I had inadvertently broken someone else’s heart.
I didn’t mean to; it was never my intention to inflict that same pain of heartbreak upon someone else. I cannot express how sorry I am for doing that to someone who was so kind to me.
I’ve learned that our relationships are only as healthy as we are. You need to be happy and whole before pursuing other people. It’s never okay to use someone as a tool to fill up a void within you. If you do that, you’ll only harm that person.
Recovering from a breakup takes time, love, and patience. Surround yourself with those who love and care for you, unconditionally.
Learn to be happy just being yourself, by yourself. And when you’re ready, begin to date new people. (But only when you’re ready!)
I am now thankful for having my heart broken. Going through that experience has taught me how to handle (and not handle) a breakup:
1. Don’t let other people be reckless with your heart.
And don’t be reckless with theirs.
2. If you can, try to get closure on your past relationship.
You don’t want to haul that baggage around while you’re dating new people.
3. Never date a person to get over someone else.
It’s okay to have fun, but don’t forget that other people have feelings too.
4. You have to be okay with yourself before you’re okay being with someone else.
If you’re not happy just being single, then consider why that is before trying to get with another person.
5. Don’t display a false image of yourself in an attempt at getting back at someone.
Remember you’re hurt because someone you care for hurt you. It’s hard, but swallow your pride. Sacrificing your morals for revenge is never worth it. You’ll only hurt yourself in the end.
6. Take time to enjoy being single again.
Do things that are authentically you and will make you be happy, without dragging anyone else down.
7. Be patient with yourself, stay busy, laugh a lot, and stick with your friends.
I’ve learned to be thankful for my first heartbreak. Since I’ve experienced how awful it is, I don’t wish it upon anyone else. Now I’m much more intentional with whom I date and why, so I won’t break anyone else’s heart.
Photo by kasia
About KJ Lippert
KJ is the creator of Fierce {little} Me, a site that inspires people to make a difference in the world by starting with themselves. FLM’s upcoming series include Game Changer interviews, Speak, and Only The Good News, a YouTube news show that shares only the good news. Check her out on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thank you for this…
It’s funny how the ego can ruin the most beautiful thing in life – love. When my relationship ended, me and my ex still kept seeing each other. I would tell her that our relationship killed our relationship; all those tiny little issues got in the way of the love to flow, whereas without any strings attached, we could just love each other properly again. But it didn’t hit me until she moved across the ocean and got with someone else. What a confrontation! The worst thing for me was how she’d close herself afterwards. It was as if we had never been together, and that our relationship had meant nothing.
Of course, that was just her insecurity about her new situation talking, but it hurt me nonetheless. I hated her for a while, but never went to look for other girls. I guess I preferred suffering by myself, and emerging stronger afterwards. It was a painful period, but deep down I had always known that until I felt good inside of my own skin, there was absolutely no point in dating. Nowadays I feel good, but I’m still not dating, because I believe there are more important things, like the pursuit of dreams. I’m confident that the right woman will show up at the right time.
Looking back, I see my whole experience with my ex as a blessing. It couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m grateful for her confronting me with my inner pain, so I can transform it into something positive. I wish her the best.
YES – love it!!! “I’ve learnt that our relationships are only as healthy as we are” and it’s not OK to use someone else to fill the void we hold inside… Im so pleased you have found the truth and in your healing you can invite healthy relationships into your life…xx
I relate to a lot and agree with the last one the most, especially be patient with yourself. Breakups are super non-fun but I’ve learned so much about myself through major heartbreak. Thanks for this. 🙂
I’ve made ALL of these mistakes and let me tell you, they get you nowhere.
I don’t feel like I will ever be whole. I don’t really know why. I have not really dated that many men and the ones I have haven’t been great. I was bullied all through school and never felt like I was good enough and I always feel like that with men, like I am not good enough. I know I suffer with low self esteem and even though I try to be confident, I don’t feel it inside. I am so scared of being hurt or meeting the wrong man again I cannot let myself feel comfortable with anyone. I am not good talking to or even initiating first contact with men, even on-line dating is hard for me, as I cannot send the first message. I am a mess when it comes to men, I am so inexperienced I don’t know what I am doing or what to say and don’t feel like I am good enough. I am 40 years of age and feel like I am going to spend the rest of my life alone and I really don’t want to. I want affection and hugs and kisses and to cuddle on the sofa with someone, to argue and laugh and just be comfortable with someone, but I have never met anyone who wants to get to know me enough to get this far. Most men don’t even notice me and I don’t think I am bad looking and I am nice and kind and caring, I just don’t know how to attract men. I cannot flirt and am not really outgoing or bubbly. I can talk, once I get to know someone. I don’t know what to do to change how things.
Thanks for this post.. I had my heart broken about 2yrs ago.. We had been together for 9yrs and the thing I miss most is his friendship. I had to cut all contact with him so I could regain my footing and move on with my life. I don’t want too know anything about him or his life. I discovered that he was meeting other women behind my back and I felt so betrayed and hurt. I have come a long way but still have moments that I grieve all that was lost … We all want to love & be loved but sometimes it just doesn’t work out the way we would like. That’s part of life. I will be more careful with my heart in the future… Finding love in your 50’s is a lot different than in your 20’s but not impossible 🙂
Thank you for your post, vulnerability, and sharing your insight! This has given me some clarity into my past, and I am grateful! 🙂
You cannot attract outside that is not inside in the first place….start with self love. Your outside world is a mirror of what is going on inside you…. emptiness…Fill yourself up with what you want to have in your life… love, joy, gratefulness…nobody will give you love if you don’t love yourself first. I had to learn the hard way.
Your work is life changing,I am so happy I discovered you,only two days a member and your wisdom and real life issues are very comforting..Thanku Tinny Buddha
Even just reading the posts,now you’ve taught me hard times are valuable lessons..
I’m pretty sure this exact situation has happened to me.
I was dating a girl who seems to tick all the boxes above.
It’s ruined me, broken me. It’s hard to know what I did wrong when it was probably nothing and nothing will change that.
How do you move on and accept this
Amen to that.
I feel the exact same way. It`s been 7 months since you commented on this post, how are you feeling now ?
I was in a 4 year relationship until about 4 or 5 months ago when I ended it. There’s too much to outline as far as the reasons why, but having all that time think about what I chose, doesn’t seem like it was a the best decision. I thought I would feel better, but only ended up feeling terrible about the whole thing. I had never been so depressed about anything as that in my whole life. We’ve talked it about quite a bit since. I told her how sorry I was and that it was a big mistake, and I wanted her back. She reminded me of all the problems we had had and wished they had changed, and I had my own list of things as well. But we never were able to agree on any of it. It just became a shooting match across the table or over the phone.
Initially, I wanted to stay friends and so did she. But I’m not so sure that can happen. I’m in a very dark place, and I know it’ll get better. I know it will. It just seems like it’s too far away to imagine it ever getting better. Four years may not seem like a long time to some people. But when you’re with someone that long you get really close, even through the good and the bad. It’s not easy to just forget about it. Everything changes. It changes you.
True that
So nice to know others feel it’s ok to figure things out on their own without quickly running out there to find someone else to forget the past. Kudos.
I find it mighty interesting how people can render some of the most practical advice when they are so far gone. Do u even understand how to relate to someone who has been broken up with let’s say two days ago? Love yourself? Ugh.. If I hear that one more time. People, even when they love themselves as soon as they fall seriously in love, just wants to be loved and wanted, no matter how confident they may be. I wish there were better advice for the freshly broken hearted, you know you will probably get pass it, you may actually love yourself, you know all of these things, but it does not fill that void. For those new to this, msg me or send email, make up one if necessary and lets help each other. Those who are long over it, just doesn’t fully understand right this minute.
I don’t kno how you’ve been since, but I totally understand ur pain and mine didn’t last even anywhere near as long as yours did.
Ego and vulnerability is killing my intimate relationships with women. Whenever I feel chemistry with a special one its not reciprocal. Its the same when its the other party that feels something for me. I can’t make it happen. Some say it takes that special someone but I just don’t understand the misery of being single. I used to love my own company but the thought of never finding someone to share love is terrifying to me. It seems that I just lay out an image of false indifference for serious relationship. I’m turning 18 next month and I know life is much much more than just desiring what you don’t have… But its so much simpler to think about what it would be to share you’re deepest values with somebody else. I do have plenty of awesome relationships around me, thats the odd part. But yet, only the one I don’t have seem to have big influence on my insecurities. Hahahah to be honest never in my life would I thought that I would feel relief posting my insecurities on a blog comment section and feel much more… Light. Thanks everyone, its not always easy to be in touch with our emotions, especially if you’re a men. Everybody’s got their demons, and perhaps their angels. It all takes part of who you are, just remember that you are loved and that everyone wants to see you smile. True happiness grows in acceptance and simplicity. Btw, it helps to get out little frustration like these cause every storm DO pass.
He cheated on me. But that was the last thing i want to think of. He cheated on me several days before my birthday, he took the girl out for dinner the night before my birthday and broke up with me the day after my birthday. He tried to give me a completely happy birthday.
What hurted me the most is that i loved him so much, my love for him increases day by day, when we are in a relationship, i have never in my live think that he will cheat on me. He is a kind-hearted person. He cherished me like diamond. He treated me even better than my parents. We have so much things planned for the future.
After the breakup, we still keep in touch, i begged him to come back, i know i was so stupid to do that but i felt so painful, i can’t eat and sleep. I felt better seeing him. And, i had hope.
But then i found out that he is still texting that girl, i left.
Sorry if the story doesn’t sound interesting, but all want is a place to share, i have 1 friend only and she is abroad, so i am suffering the pain alone. I just really want to share.
This is such a nice place to unload, thank you everyone for reading!
I started seeing a guy from an online dating app. The first time I met him we were completely sober and he took me out to dinner. We went back to his apartment and he ended up being very forceful with me sexually, I wouldn’t call it rape but it was somewhere in between rape and consentual sex. He met my friends the next weekend and we had so much fun together. He said he had a really busy schedule and practiced jijitsu till 11 pm so he would always come over to my house very late. This was a red flag that I wasn’t reading properly– I am in medical school so I have been so busy, I think my mind was preoccupied with so many other things that it was tough to process what was happening.
He was very elusive the entire time. I would work up the courage and ask him questions about what he was looking for and he said he was looking for a relationship. I also asked him to initiate contact and he said he would work on it. Basically, this happened for 3 months straight and eventually we would only talk on snapchat– another major red flag. Finally, I travelled to another state over break and we would message every few days.
Then I looked at his instagram and saw a photo of another girl and him and he said “no one drives me crazier than this girl” this was really heartbreaking for me because I had no idea he was seeing someone else the whole time. I confronted him about having a girlfriend and he said it just started. I looked at her photos and she said “I love you” to him. The whole thing has been so painful for me. I blocked all of the photos so I won’t hurt myself more. I know that it was only 3 months but I haven’t been able to sleep, eat or breath very well.
I do know that it will pass and that he is definitely not the right man for me but it still feels good to share. I’ve heard that it takes half the time of the relationship to get over it which has been true for me in the past. Thank you all for reading and I hope that your healing goes well. Pain is the cornerstone to growth and if you take care of yourself you will come out stronger <3
Hi Ka I’m interested to know how you got over this as my heart has just been broken.
Thank you
Depending on the nature of and reason for the heartbreak, seek revenge. If ur responsible, ride out the cycle.
what happens when you dont have any friends or family and you dont like being alone and you start getting old and you feel its hopeless
Hello Snookie, my advice would be to search on Facebook for travel groups you could join and start traveling, sign up for a line dancing class or whatever type of dance you like. Read interesting books while sitting enjoying a cup of nice coffee or beverage of your liking at Barnes & Noble. There are so many things to do to keep busy. Get a part-time job to meet new co-workers who may invite you to hang out.
I think you should come to a relationship when you are at a good place inside yourself. But I don’t believe you have to wait to do so. Sometimes someone comes along and teaches you about yourself or brings a certain side of you out. I say don’t wait until you think you are all perfect. Jump in and get wet.