“Live up to your potential, not down to other people’s expectations.”
“Are you okay?” asked one of my editors.
“Yeah,” I said. But I wasn’t.
It was 11.30pm and I had just returned from a lengthy press conference where a major political announcement had just been made. My article was due in the next twenty minutes.
A panic attack was quietly tightening its grip on me.
Although I didn’t want to admit it, work was beginning to feel like Groundhog Day.
I wanted to write, but in the fast-paced newsroom where I worked as a junior reporter close to fourteen hours a day, delving deep into subjects I was truly passionate about wasn’t something I was able to do.
Every day was chase, report, repeat. I wanted so much more than that.
But I refused to quit because I wasn’t a quitter, so I held on.
Six months later and a year-and-a-half into my job, waking up and going to work was leaving me feeling inadequate and empty. Every assignment I got felt like a massive struggle.
I was still adamant about not giving up, but I also knew that going on this way wasn’t a healthy option, so reluctantly, I chose to walk away from the newsroom.
Giving up made me feel like a failure at the time, but now as I look back, I see my decision for what it was: my instincts telling me what was a good fit for me and what wasn’t, and me, honoring it.
The one regret that I have is not realizing this and making the change sooner.
What happened when I subsequently went after the things that really called to me?
Excitement.
I looked forward to challenges, not dread them.
I gave 150% and never gave up.
Success!
If you constantly find yourself unable to finish what you start, jumping from one job, relationship, or diet to another without seeing progress, or feeling as if you’re a failure at everything you do, here are three things you need to do:
Stop trying to fix yourself and forcing yourself to do things you don’t really want to do.
Break the chain of moving from one thing to the next and trying to fit into a role that’s not right for you by taking some time out to figure out: What do you find meaningful and joyful, and how can you pursue that in your life instead of following your (or someone else’s) ‘shoulds’?
What can you do to feel purposeful, in control, and good about yourself, and see results, rather than constantly feel exhausted, empty, and as if you need to be fixed?
To get momentum going, try this simple exercise, which will help you get to the core of why you want something: Ask yourself “What do I want to accomplish?” When you’ve got the answer to this question, ask “Why?” Then, with whatever answer you come up with, ask why to that, and so on, five times.
Not sure how to begin? Here’s how it worked for me when I was struggling with my weight:
Q: What do you want to accomplish?
A: I want to stop binge eating.
Q: Why do you want to stop binge eating?
A: Because I want to feel in control of my body.
Q: Why do you want to feel in control of your body?
A: So I can feel confident.
Q: Why do you want to feel confident?
A: So I can stop avoiding social situations and feeling self-conscious about being overweight.
Q: Why do you want to stop avoiding social situations and feeling self-conscious about being overweight?
A: Because I want to start living again.
Q: Why do you want to start living again?
A: So I can get the most out of my life without wasting time hating how I look and feel.
This final answer put me in touch with a painful situation I never wanted to relive again. I wanted so much more out of life than that.
Yours, like mine did, will serve as a compelling reason to put in the work needed to accomplish what you set out to do, in congruence with your deepest-held values. It’ll pull you up and forward, not down.
Work with who you want to be—you’ll find yourself feeling whole instead of constantly struggling to connect the missing dots.
Focus on things you can control instead of focusing on outcomes.
There are a million things that are out of your control: the weather, natural disasters, what other people think of your presentation, and your colleague’s insensitive comment about your weight.
There are, however, a million other things that you can control.
These include the little habits you can nurture to help get you to where you want to be:
Waking up thirty minutes earlier to plan your day, parking a little further to get your daily 10,000 steps in, making a beeline for your colleague’s desk for a stress-relieving chat instead of to the pantry (where the donuts are), or responding to emails at fixed times during your day so you can work more efficiently and leave the office at 5pm to be with your kids.
Once a week, ask yourself: “How am I doing?”
If something isn’t working, find out why and focus on doing what you can do to change the outcome. You’re the captain of your ship—chart your course, do your best to be equipped with the skills that will help you weather storms that come your way, and let go of the rest.
Get out of the race—life’s not a competition.
You know the grind: Go, go, go! Deadlines are close. Time is money. Got to keep up with the Joneses. The clock’s ticking. That promotion is up for grabs. The thinner you are, the more popular you’ll be.
But what if this rush for bigger, better, faster, and thinner keeps leaving you burnt out, unhealthy, depressed, and frustrated?
Consider tweaking your priorities: Wouldn’t digging deep, zeroing on your deepest desires, and taking careful, methodical steps toward them leave you feeling calmer, happier, in your best shape ever, and focused on what matters to you in the long run?
The less you focus on competing with others, the more time you’ll have to spend on nurturing your own happiness and reaching your full potential.
So guess what? It’s time you gave up giving up on yourself.
If you’re ready to throw in the towel and walk away (again), what can you do to break this cycle to head in the right direction?
Unlock your potential image via Shutterstock
About Michele Lian
Michele has worn multiple hats over the years: emotional eating survivor, microbiologist, Deputy Editor at SHAPE Malaysia, American Council On Exercise-certified personal trainer, Precision Nutrition-certified sports nutrition coach, and now, self-care advocate at michelelian.com. She’s fascinated with food, movement, and learning how to take better care of herself as she makes her way through this crazy, chaotic world, and her mission is to help you do the same.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Hi Michele! Your post made me think a bit about my life in general. I definitely dig your points #2 and #3.
There are a lot we can’t control. It’d be really wise if we just focused our energy on mastering what we can control.
There are people who are really competitive. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, except that, like what you’re saying, they could be missing out on other better things without really competing, or looking to compete, with others.
Thanks. And great-looking site, by the way. 🙂
Thank you for the beautiful article. Life is not a competition. Very true.
God bless
I’ve been stuck in this cycle of finding a well paying secure job versus following my dreams. I keep quiting these “safe” jobs and to turn around and take another “safe” job AGAIN because I find it so scary to follow my dreams.
I was just offered a part time as a reporter and it makes me panic because it’s only part time and i wonder if I have what it takes. At the same time, this is what I’d really like to do and is a foot in the door. I’m trying to keep my inner strength and not go back to my “trying/quiting new GOOD jobs” cycle. Your words help! The journalism industry is tough but I know it’s a matter of dedication and determination. I just need to keep my nerve and stick too it!
Omg, this article came in the right time! I’ve been feeling confused lately because the life I’m living is not my own. The dreams I’m dreaming aren’t mine either. Thanks Michele! Now it’s time to figure out my personal legend.
Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience, Michele. I feel that life’s too short to be unhappy, so instead of being in self pity, take charge of your own life, and careless what others have to say. They’re entitled to their opinion, but they don’t know your journey like you do.
I didn’t like how my mom compared me to my best friend, since she was attending college in a different state. That was insulting, not to mention hurtful, because I was determined to save money. I wanted to do things my way and not allow anyone to influence my decision.
There’s no such thing as a competition. It’s important for you to achieve your goals at your own pace. Approval isn’t needed.
Thank you for this article. It came in at a good time for me. I am currently job searching in Canada (Ontario to be specific) with a Msc. Statistics degree. After numerous rejections, I feel frustrated time and time again.
On the flip side, I have to show some grit, focus on what I can control, not compare to others, and keep going. I have come to far to quit.
Great tips!!!! I really appreciated the example of how you dug deeper to find the core reason…great strategy to apply to many things!! Thank you for sharing this! 🙂
Hey Ethan, thank you! I do find that focusing on the things I can’t control makes just me feel, ironically, the most out of control. It’s something that I still struggle with from time to time. The learning never stops!
Thank you for reading 🙂
Thank you for sharing, David, and good luck with that job search! I’m rooting for ya!
LaTrice, I’m so sorry you had to go through all that hurt your mom caused. She probably meant well and handled the situation the only way she knew how, and as a result, had no idea the pain it was causing you. I’m so glad you’ve found the strength to follow your own path 🙂 xo
Go get your dream, Billie! xo
Jenny, I’ve been there. The temptation to go back to what’s safe will always be there until you step out of your comfort zone and make it work. And the only way to know if you have what it takes is to start DOING. Believe in yourself 🙂 xo
Thank you! 🙂
Michele,
Thanks for your time in crafting such a great article. I’m reading through a book right now called Mastering The Art of Quitting, and it deals specifically with the topic of why it’s so hard to quit (relationships, jobs, etc.), even when it’s obvious that they aren’t a good fit.
The book presents the idea of goals being what drive us, and instead of quitting, they rename the process to goal disengagement. So in your case you had one goal which was to do fulfilling work, which was prompting you to leave your job, and another which was potentially to see yourself as a journalist, or not be seen as a quitter, that was keeping you at your job. It wasn’t until you were willing to disengage from the goal that was keeping you at your job, that you could move forward.
I wrote a little about this in two parts here:
http://www.thelittleyes.com/blog/2015/6/26/why-people-get-stuck
http://www.thelittleyes.com/blog/2015/7/22/how-people-get-stuck-part-ii
You cannot control the actions of others. Its real easy to say “do this and that will happen”. Some of the most important issues of life require someone else’s co-operation. We tend to forget that if you have a job, somebody else CHOSE to hire you. If you have a partner somebody else CHOOSES to be with you.
I `Started` `WoRking` `from` `COmfort` `OF` My` `HOMe`, By` `Working` `SOmE` very` `Basic` `jObs` That `Only `rEquired` A` `Pc` &` `Internet` `Access` `&` It’s the `Best `Job` I `EVer` `HAd… It’s Been `six` `months` since I` started `This` and i got `Paid` so far in total 36 `Thousand` `Dollars`… Basically I` `profit` `80` `dollars`/hour` And work` for` 3 to 4 h` on daily basis.And the best part about this `Job` is that You get` to `Choose` Yourself when To `Work` and for how long and you Get` a `Paycheck` `weekly.Hope over to“website“ `page` `LINK` Which Is On `Prrof!le` of mine
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I have never seen the advice you gave about asking what you want to accomplish and then why five times. I tried it and it is very effective. The framework helps get to the bottom of my often tangled thoughts. Thank you!
I’m so glad you found my article helpful, Andrea! 🙂