“Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strengths.” ~Charles H. Spurgeon
There’s nothing like a real health emergency for putting insignificant worries into perspective.
By the time I was pregnant the second time, I had left my struggles with anxiety largely behind me. Having been to therapy years earlier to find coping mechanisms for managing my ever-present phobias, I was in a fairly good place when I learned I’d been given a second chance at having a child.
But worry is as much as part of me as breathing, and having lost a pregnancy the year prior, I spent the first eight to ten weeks of the second one constantly preoccupied with the what-ifs that tend to haunt anxiety sufferers, even reformed ones like me.
One day in week forty, after many hours of irregular contractions, something told me I needed to check myself into the hospital. It was a different feeling than the one I’d experienced during my panic attacks, which was always induced by the fight or flight response.
It was calmer, and felt more peaceful. So I listened.
Once I got there, the midwives discovered my blood pressure was 200/110 (stroke territory). I was in the middle of a hypertensive crisis caused by undiagnosed pre-eclampsia—a dangerous condition that affects a small percentage of pregnant women worldwide.
They admitted me immediately, and a scene from an emergency room TV drama ensued. Machines screamed. Nurses ran. Doctors were paged. IV’s were administered.
Between waves of doctors and nurses I learned that if they didn’t succeed in getting my blood pressure down soon, I could seize, stroke out, or suffer irreparable damage to my liver and kidneys.
To further complicate matters, my son was starting to show some signs of distress, and I got the sense from the folks in scrubs around my bedside that they weren’t quite sure how to manage it.
Through it all I remained surprisingly calm, somehow at peace with what was happening around me, despite the many hours I’d spent worrying about just such an event in the past. I felt saddened by the possibility of dying—or worse, losing my son—but not panicked or afraid.
When my son was born, healthy and strong by emergency C-section, then I truly understood the futility of my past concern.
Having survived the incident unscathed, I spent the next six years of my life working on building the skills that keep the time-suck that is anxiety from ever coming back.
If I had to tell my past self something I’ve learned to prevent unnecessary suffering, it would go something like this:
Don’t argue with a fool. (People may not know the difference).
One piece of advice for anxiety sufferers I read and hear often is to take a deep breath and reassure yourself that you are safe, your anxiety can’t hurt you, and your fears are all in your head.
Anxiety is irrational, and no amount of rational thinking will banish unnecessary worry or anxious thoughts. In fact, trying to fight irrational thinking with logic can be counterproductive and lead you down the rabbit hole of self-doubt.
Instead, respond to irrational fears by accepting that there is a (however remote) possibility that what you fear may come to pass, but also trust that if it does, you will have the tools to manage it.
Don’t ask others to argue with a fool.
Mental illness is tough, and having support from friends and family is key to making it through unscathed to the other side.
Asking your friends and families to tell you why your fears are unfounded and your worries are irrational is not asking for help—it’s asking for validation.
Many of us suffering through anxiety believe that if we can’t trust our own logical arguments for why everything is going to be okay, maybe someone else can make it okay for us.
This kind of behavior often serves to undermine your self-confidence and create codependent tendencies, since you’re relying (most often very ineffectively) on others to manage your anxiety for you.
Find a more productive focal point.
A few years before my pregnancy, when I was first treated for anxiety, my therapist taught me a trick I carry with me to this day.
Anxiety needs a focal point, but with a little sleight of hand you can find one that is less disturbing than your worry.
When embarking on a trip to Cabo for my friend’s wedding (I’m afraid to fly), she told me to wear the most uncomfortable outfit I could tolerate for the flight. I chose a tight, itchy strapless corset, and spent a good nine hours trying to fight the garment’s pinch.
Guess what I wasn’t doing, though, while cursing my existence? Worrying about plane crashes.
Over time, I’ve found many other tools to help me stay present and banish unnecessary concerns. If I have a legitimate worry, I take action to mitigate risks and try to move on with my life.
If there’s nothing I can do, I occupy my mind with something else. I practice yoga. I wear itchy underwear. Most of all I trust. I trust that I can deal with any unexpected hurdles life might throw my way.
And if for some reason I encounter one I can’t manage, it simply was meant to be, whether it’s what I want for my life or not.
And then I move on and enjoy the moment. Or at least I try, anyway.
About Elisa Vannini
Elisa Vannini is an aspiring writer and a self-proclaimed Average Yogini. She hopes to help other anxiety sufferers embrace and manage their anxiety by staying active, developing new coping skills and changing the mental frameworks that exacerbate their condition.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thanks Elisa for that wonderful story. Although very scary I am glad to know that both you and your son is fine and you have become stronger because of that experience.
I agree with you wholeheartedly, it makes no sense to ague with fools. It doesn’t matter what it is when people do no understand and never experience what you have are going through they never seem to get it. They all seem to think it is in your head. It is all a pigment of your imagination or you are over reacting it isn’t that bad.
I wish we as humans would give each other more credit and take the time to be more sympathetic to the struggles we at times goes through.
Thanks again for sharing
Thank you for the good essay. All of us know that fear and anxiety become counter-productive beyond a stage and they do not help us in any way to solve the problem on hand. At that point, we should generate certain anger and aggressiveness against our own folly. When we try to deal with the problems that are behind such meaningless fear or anxiety, cultivating some recklessness and aggression would be effective.
You’re very welcome – and thank YOU for reading!
You know, I was actually thinking when I wrote this that the biggest fool not to argue with is my own anxious mind. A lot people try to talk themselves out of their fears. But fears are so instinctive and primitive that you end up talking yourself in circles when reason things out – or at least I do anyway!
Thank you again for your kind words.
This is going to sound so insane or not to people who battle
with anxiety, but since my last serious relationship ended 15 months ago (I am
29 years old now) I fear that I will never meet anyone… ever. After my breakup
I saw a therapist to work on my issues and feel better about getting back out
there. When I finally felt “ready” I would do things to self-sabotage like
think of all the “what-ifs”… what if he’s not the one? What if this doesn’t work?
What if he finds he thinks I am too fat, or decides I carry too much baggage?
As you can imagine the self-doubt takes over until potential relationships lead
to nothing. In reality, I’ve always had
these thoughts but never like this… never to this extreme where I fear of being
alone forever that I am actually pushing every guy that’s interested in me
away.
Fast forward to September 27, 2014. My youngest brother
passed away suddenly and tragically. I am back in therapy and finally realize
that I need to “let go, let god.” I am not God and I don’t have the power to
control outcome. All I can do is ease into dating, only share what I am comfortable
sharing and hope for the best. I believe anxiety holds you back from your true
self… because who I am with my friends and family is not this anxious person
who is trying to jump the gun. I am kind, loyal, funny, smart, successful and so
much more! Men never see that side because I am so fearful of getting hurt and
of course, they can smell my fear! Thank you for your post and your share.
The best thing you can do with those fears and anxieties is to Face them and just Accept them then refocus your attention on something else. Looping is what I call it when you try to talk yourself out of the fear you just end up in a loop. It’s funny that we think we can fix our thoughts of fear with more thoughts. Why try at all? The best thing to do with those thoughts or fear feelings is to Do Nothing. Don’t even get involved with them. Don’t try to fight foolish thoughts with more thoughts. You can’t make sense out of nonsense. Face your fears don’t shrink from them and be OK that you have them. After all they’re just thoughts or feelings you don’t have to take any of them seriously. Now change the subject. Refocus you attention on something else something you like anything else and let the fear pass through without giving it undo attention.
“Let go and let God” that is a great motto. I was unsucessful at having a relationship but in the past couple of years I let go and discovered myself. I have a renewed spiritual connection and I am happy on my own living a simple life. I don’t know what doors life will open for me next but I thank God for what I have and I am content.
I’m really sorry for the loss of your brother.
Therapy was HUGELY helpful in helping me get my head around the “let go and let God (or the Universe or whatever)” concept. It was Brief Strategic Therapy so it was focused on creating mental tricks to cope with my anxiety rather than rooting deep to find the cause of it. Still, those mental tricks have helped me cope better with everything in my life – not just my fears.
I wish you all the best of luck!
Elisa,
Thanks for the share – this was a great read and I found the practice of shifting the focus to be a powerful move. I am most anxious when I am exhausted emotionally and physically, and that is when the self talk is most defeating for me.
I believe we are our own greatest challenge and managing our self talk is a critical function of producing peace and clarity. I find simplifying my thoughts (I tell myself to slow down in my thinking) is a great way to be still, breathe and return to being present.
I would not profess to be an expert in this area, only that this is a share and extension of what you wrote.
Thank you for the article!
Great advice. There is always “a more productive focal point” — so take the time and make the effort to find it. Then peace will seep into your heart.
Thanks, Steve. It definitely does take some effort to find a different focal point when your mind is racing with anxiety, which is why at the beginning, when I was just learning to cope, my therapist had me create an external one I just couldn’t ignore!
I get the same way. The more tired I am, the more anxious I feel.
Without meaning to, I’ve created other focal points in my life I can direct my attention to when my mind starts to go into a downward spiral. Yoga has been one of them for me, although I think any hobby or activity you can immerse yourself into can do the trick. Complex puzzles or games also work wonders.
Anyway, thanks very much for reading and for taking the time to comment!
Elisa, your post couldn’t have come at a better time for me. I’m nearly 32 weeks pregnant, after 3 miscarriages and a nearly year long battle to get pregnant the 4th time my anxiety is through the roof. Added to this we nearly lost this bub in the first trimester, but she pulled through and surprised us every time. However, the anxiety never leaves, it just gets replaced by a new worry. When I finished up work early everyone told me, ‘oh you can just relax now and concentrate on you and the baby.’ Sure good in theory, but with no distractions I have nothing left to worry about except what can go wrong in the last 8 weeks. The idea of a more productive focal point, especially an external one is excellent. I’ve never made the link, but have noticed that I am at my most calm when I do really have something to worry about and I deal with it well! Thank you again for a great post, I may have to go and find some itchy undies!
Hi Millie,
I’m glad you found the post useful!
It’s so funny. Throughout my pregnancy I kept setting milestones for myself after which I thought I could relax. When I found out I was pregnant, it was 12 weeks (because the risk of miscarriage went down). After that it was 20 weeks – the minimum threshold for viability of a fetus. Then it was 24 weeks, the point after which premature babies reach a 50% chance of survival. Then it was 32 weeks…and so on and so forth.
To make a long story short, my son is now six years old and I’m still waiting for the day I get to relax! But the good news I’ve realized is that anxiety is an external sign that we’re living full lives. The more we have to lose, the more anxious we are about losing it.
The realization that I wasn’t enjoying the things I was anxious about losing because I was too anxious to really enjoy them was a big epiphany for me. 🙂
Anyway, good luck in your search for the itchy undies. If that doesn’t work, take up knitting or Sudoku or something you can zone out and do on auto-pilot. Those types of activities help too!
Wishing you many blessings for the rest of your pregnancy (and beyond),
Elisa
Thank you for this insightful post Elisa!
Fear is a dragon that breathes more fire at you the more you try to push it away.
I totally agree with your point about not asking for validation. To hear the words ‘don’t worry’ or everything’s going to be fine’ from a well-meaning friend just pours more fuel onto the fire, because our subconscious mind can’t be fooled that easily.
Deep down we know that there is a possibility that everything WON’T turn out fine – because the only thing we can really be certain of is uncertainty – anything can happen at any time.
I think a great alternative to this is to bring the mind back to the present and ask: ‘is everything alright RIGHT NOW?’ most often it is, and it’s the journey our minds have taken into the future (arriving at the worst possible scenario) that is causing most of the anxiety.
Staying present is a difficult task – but well worth the effort. I like your suggestions for this too.
HI Elisa,
I love how you experimented with different ideas to find out the ones that worked for you.
Have you tried listening more closely to the anxious feelings or, more accurately, the thoughts that go along with them? I have found that they provide great wisdom.
Your article resonated so strongly with me. I am a huge over thinker, leading (surprise surprise) to anxiety. I seem to have learnt to focus on it to see what it’s trying to tell me. Unfortunately this has led to extreme panic, loss of confidence and lack of self trust. I am slowly learning how to create more positivity for myself and your words have helped a lot. Thank you x
Thank you.
I believe mindfulness is a massive help. We can’t see into the future and the past is over. All we have is now x
I’m so sorry for your loss. What a horrible shock. I do appreciate however what you mean about self doubt in relationships. I confused anxiety/self doubt with ‘this man must be wrong for me’. I met my current partner 2 years ago and was determined not to let anxiety ruin it. It was hellish at times for both of us but we have now overcome a lot and are stronger than ever. When you meet someone and feel the trust building, don’t be afraid to tell them of your fears and doubts. The right man will support you.
xx
That’s such great advice, Laura! Thank you for sharing that with me. xx
“Wear itchy underwear” … best advice to stay present!!
Great, helpful article. I am going on a holiday tomorrow, and anxiety kicks in. I am fearful about the flight, my husband who has to drive us through tiny streets in the mountains, about the different food and gaining weight (my eating disorder speaking.) Mostly I am scared because I have less control than I’d feel comfortable with.
I keep focusing on my breathe while reminding myself: Trust is on the other side of Control. It’s okay to feel scared. I feel the fear. I am not my fear. I do not get overwhelmed by it. I am much bigger than any of my emotions. I put my trust in Life, the Universe, God. What will happen, will happen, and it will be meant to be.