“When you stop trying to change others and work on changing yourself, your world changes for the better.” ~Unknown
For years, I was entering relationships with men where I saw their potential to be a good match for me, if only they would completely change who they were.
For twelve years, it was the same pattern until one day I finally realized something was broken.
After my last unsuccessful relationship, where I was just holding on, hoping he would change and be the person I wanted him to be, I had had enough. So, I took a much-needed hiatus to regroup, reprogram, and refocus.
The Problem
My sorority sister used to say, “If you always do what you always done, you’ll always get what you already got.” So, what was I doing that constantly attracted me to men who were not a good fit for me? What was so compelling to me about that?
Here’s what I discovered: The tape that continued to play in my mind said, “I am not able to attract a man with a steady, regular job who’ll make time for me, and is emotionally available.” So, I constantly attracted men who were emotionally damaged, who cheated on and ignored me.
The Analysis
Now that I knew what attracted me, I wanted to figure out what made me stay in so many loveless relationships.
I’m almost ashamed to admit it but I stayed in relationships I should have never started because I thought I could change save them. They were hurt and I could treat them better than their previous lover because, let’s face it, I’m better than everyone.
I was going to swoop in and save the day and show “him” how much better I was than “she” was to “him.” And “he” will not cheat on me like “he” did “her.”
But, guess what? “He” always did. Always.
And I always took it as a personal failure. As if I had failed “him” somehow, because I wasn’t even good enough, much less better. It never occurred to me that “he” might have been just a jerk to begin with.
The Solution
After finally learning my lesson, I’m now ready to re-enter the dating arena, and I’ve made three promises to myself. If you’ve also attracted unhealthy relationships, perhaps these could help you, too.
1. I will trust myself.
Many times in the past, I can remember thinking this relationship was not a good idea, or something wasn’t right. But I didn’t listen. And as my grandmother used to say, “If you don’t hear, you feel.”
When you feel something is off, make the determination of whether you are just nervous because you’re afraid of making another mistake, or if something really feels off. When your intuition tells you something is wrong, move on.
Trust that you know what is best for your happiness. You are the only one who does.
2. I will value myself.
Moving on is much easier to do now that I’ve raised, expanded, and updated my standards. Looking back, it seems that my only requirements were that he be breathing and he liked me.
For you, it may be time to reevaluate your standards and decide that you deserve to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone who meets your needs.
Create a list of your top three non-negotiables, and even when you get slack from your friends and family, who mean well, telling you your standards are high or you’re being too picky, don’t waver.
Not listening to your intuition is what most likely got you in this dating predicament in the first place, so value yourself and stop ignoring your inner voice.
3. I will focus on myself.
Worrying about whether the other person was happy or not in my past relationships was emotionally draining, and never created a happy ending for me. So I’m bringing the focus back on me. I’m no longer looking to fix, change, or save anyone, nor restore their faith in relationships, and neither should you.
If this has been an issue for you, read these next words carefully: It’s not your job to make the other person happy. It’s theirs.
Believe me, you will save yourself a lot of wasted years, tears, and time by following this one rule.
If you’re ready to take responsibility for your dating life, consider taking a break to reevaluate your previous relationships, update and expand your standards, and work on your own happiness first. You’ll be a happier, more whole and joyful person—which can ultimately lead you to the relationship you want.
About ChaChanna Simpson
ChaChanna Simpson is host of A Stellar Day with ChaChanna LIVE! an online show where she teaches women how to intensify their confidence so they can boldly design & go after the stellar career, love and life they deserve with vivacity. To download a free copy of ChaChanna’s ebook 3 Simple Ways to Start Loving Your Body Now click here.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
ChaChanna,
Today I woke up feeling blah due to the things you were talking about and this couldn’t have come at a better time so thank you for your wise words. Excellent article and extremely helpful.
P.S.: I love your name 🙂
WONDERFUL post, and spoke to me for sure!!! I love the part here where you say…. It’s not your job to make the other person happy. It’s theirs…..strong, and necessary truth to face, I am a “savior” too….Thank you for this reminder and GREAT advice/insight!! 🙂
awesomeness. just put this quote on a stick note to remind myself: ‘It’s not your job to make the other person happy. It’s theirs.’
Thanks for reading, Diane! I’m glad it helped you out.
Thank you!
I would say learning to stop trying to fix other people, in all my relationships (friendships, family, etc.) has been the hardest and the best lesson I’ve learned. It just makes things so much easier.
Thanks! It’s something I say to myself and others often. And remember not to let anyone trick you into thinking it is your job.
Spot on! This is exactly what I’ve been going through & what many single friends experience as well. I’m going to share on my blog! wonderwomananew.blogspot.com
Great article! Small typo: waiver -> waver.
Thank you sincerely. I’m going through a difficult time in a new relationship that’s been overwhelming me with drama. A friend recommended I read this. It’s given me some much needed perspective.
Love your article, ChaChanna. As a dating coach, I couldn’t have given you better advice than the advice you gave yourself. When you raise your standards and love yourself first, you won’t accept the emotionally damaged projects anymore. Can’t wait to hear about the man you attract into your life now!! He’s a lucky guy, whoever he is…
Wow this explains a lot about myself. Thank you! 🙂
Great article. I went through something similar, and found that I was actually attracting emotionally unavailable guys because I was emotionally unavailable myself – and commitment phobic. Which was surprising, because I was telling myself all I wanted in the world was to be in a relationship!
I would chase men that I thought I wanted, but the moment I had them I’d lose interest. Then sometimes I would get involved with somebody who just wouldn’t commit and I’d go crazy with wondering what was wrong with me (I later found I was latching on to men that were emotionally unavailable or “cheaters” because that meant I wouldn’t ever have to actually commit, since I was terrified to do so. It’s crazy what your subconscious can do).
I read a book called ‘Kiss and Run’ by Elina Furman… ladies, if you want a life changing book, read that one!
Thanks for the great read ChaChanna.
Stellar! Thanks for reading!
Regina! Thank you for reading. I hope you are able to work through the drama in whatever way feels best for you. Good luck!
Me too, Sandy! Thanks for reading!
You are most certainly welcome. Thanks for reading.
I can totally relate to your story of chasing them and then becoming uninterested. Thanks for the book suggestion. I will check it out.
Think about it ……. would you want someone trying to fix you or even think you needed fixing ?
Great article. Thanks for sharing.
Spectacular article. I am saving this. Because this is what I need to do to attract the relationships that I want. Thank you for this.
Nice, and I can see how it can apply to some people, but unfortunately the only point that applies to me is the “I am not able to attract a man with a steady, regular job who’ll make time for me, and is emotionally available.”Other than that I’ve never wanted to change anybody. I guess I’m just hung up on the low self-esteem. And now it’s kinda too late, nearning 40, single-mother, not many chances I’ll find anyone who will genuinely be interested, or who will learn to care about me and my son, those things don’t happen. And maybe they don’t happen not because I’ve got standards lower that your heels, like you did, but rather that I’ve got some really high ones, like you suggest. And the higher your standards are, the more unlikely it gets to find what you’re looking for. So, I don’t know, I guess before throwing people in a pendulum motion from one extreme to the other, might as well take some examples like mine into consideration. Peace.
This is an excellent article. I have referenced it in my current blog post!
http://engagingepiphanies.wordpress.com/2014/02/24/3-reasons-i-love-facebook-you-should-too/
Wow very inspiring! Exactly what I needed to read right now. I am going trough another breakup and I have been having unsuccessful relationships since a while so I did relate a lot with what you are saying. With the last events that happened in my life, I decided that it was time to make a change! I just have enough! I realized that I am the one who need to change in order to attract a better relationship and the first thing to do is surely to value and give more importance to myself. I came to an evidence that I never did. I am having a hard time to do it though. The others happiness always been my first priority while I was not happy. I stayed way too long in relationships I should not have started to beginning with but I was never my own priority. How many times I wanted to breakup because I was unhappy but I didn’t. I was thinking that I might be the one wrong for wanting to end the relationship, that maybe I was not strong and tolerant enough. I never listened to my intuitions, trying to fight them instead. I am reading a lot since then and I am learning. It is not easy to give myself the place I should have but slowly I am getting there. I am lucky in one way, I am fully aware of who I am and I am more than welling to work on myself! Thanks again for your article
Why do you cut yourself short?
Stellar, Emites! So excited to read you are focusing on YOU!
I’m a fan of this article!! it works for both men and woman..great read and advice! Thank you!
If you wish, go ahead and dream on about miraculously finding the rich, gorgeous, romantic guy, who will be already broody when you meet. Personally I don’t. Call it realism, call it pessimism, call it cutting short, I call it reality. One way or the other I won’t compromise with anything less than what I want, just as you won’t compromise with anything less than what you want. A matter of perspective. But if you tell women to spend life dreaming about the gallant prince that’ll come and rescue them, maybe they just look way too high to notice the really nice guy who cares but doesn’t quite fit their immovable standards. There are extremes to all things. I’d rather avoid those.
Awesome article!! Amen ! I finally came to this realization! God Bless you for putting the message out to other women who think they have to settle for less than what they deserve.
A good friend of mine said think of all the things you want in a man and then be thst. God has got to come first.
I deeply appreciate this post. I’m currently on a “manbattical” and finding these commitments to be absolutely vital. What we desire most isn’t outside of ourselves, it’s within, and I’m enjoying the journey. Thanks again.
Dear ChaChanna,
Thank you very much for your sincere sharing, it’s really moving to me!
I was somewhat the same, thinking that the sunshine in me could bring light into his dark rooms, maybe he’s just not ready it, and time will eventually make him understand what an unbelievable lady I am. Someday he’ll realize that and finally run to me. See how blind I was, believing I could save his world? I was trying to be Power woman!!
However…
~~NONONO!! THINGS DON’T WORK OUT LIKE THAT~
I really want to thank the last moon guy that I came across. ( that’s what I refer them to, because they live in the dark nights. Oh dear moon in the sky, hope you don’t mind, I love you still!) He awaken me by telling me that guys like him doesn’t really need sunshine to work things out, they like to live in their own world just the way it is. He suggest I look for a different type of guy, and stop aiming for the wrong match.
So, that was the significant turning point for me. In the process of reflecting on my past experiences and look within myself for deeper self discoveries. I’ve learn a WHOLE lot more and am very very thankful for that awakening bell.
Now thinking back, I found out something very interesting! Instead of me bringing him happiness, that guy actually changed me, into a BETTER ME! And that, brings more happiness into my life!
Nothing is wasted, never lose anything. We live, we learn, and be thankful for all that we came across. Yes, and definitely, we do keep shinning on~
This is Awesome! (Me being a Male)
I recently had an Emotional break down from my last relationship that ended in a way where there was not really an answer. I have always thought I was in the wrong then I read this…
I have been the one that wanted to “save” her and be better than her last boyfriends and try to fulfill her faith in relationships. I also realized I never really paid much attention to myself than i should have. It was always Her and I may have Cherished her “too” Much as like a goddess after a while. Thank you for sharing your story this will help me a lot.
~Much Love
Do you love yourself? DO you think that just because you are in your 40s and you are a single mother that you won’t find a partner? BECAUSE if you do believe that then your are cutting yourself short. What you think shapes your world.
It goes both ways. I also include the “there aren’t any men out there that I am willing to put up with anymore” clause in the sentence. So, no, I don’t rule it out, I just don’t find it likely. There’s a limit to how much shit you’re prepared to take, right? The older people get the more rigid those limits become. So, just as I think about why would someone that I would find interesting would be interested in me, I ask the opposite question of can I find someone interesting at this age, who isn’t married or isn’t problematic. Most men at 40 are happily or unhappily married and usually single men have some serious malfunction going on with them, usually called Mother. I’m unwilling to engage in any relationship with married men, and I’m unwilling to babysit either. So, alone it is. Again, love and bubbles and pink clouds are for teenagers, not for women at my age. When you’re 40, you either compromise or stay alone till you die.
With the divorce rate, there is more out there than ever. You can bet there will be some willing to settle and some that refuse to settle. Keeping up a positive outlook cant hurt… either die slowly in a settling for less relationship or die alone is your options?
Some may view you as problematic, or childish or still bitterly married to your past, reducing your radius further… Not trying to insult at all! I think you insult yourself enough 🙁
You may be right, but ‘d rather “insult” myself than be fodder to other people insulting my intelligence and my feelings. As you said, I know my limitations, and I know that I am most certainly, not just possibly, viewed as problematic. I’m not looking for a father for my child, but if I were to judge by the amounts of men blarting that out as an excuse for me dating them and as an excuse for them not wanting a committment you’d think I’m advertising for daddies. No, thanks, but no thanks, I’d rather stick to realism, even if I don’t like it. If you think that’s not a positive outlook, then I feel sorry. For you, cause that’s your perception, and not mine. And yes, these are not my options, but THE options. I’d love to hear how you’d think you have more, in a realistic base. Oh by the way, I’m not American. I don’t live in the States, and this whole “what with divorces all over the place there are plenty of fish in the ocean” doesn’t apply here. There is high stigma here for single mothers, and it tends to affect male perception in weird ways.
Wow you really have a negative view on life, but to each their own. I refuse to limit myself to one person. You sound like me a year and a half ago. I used to feel the same way about ALL Polish men. But I came to my senses and learned to love MYSELF more. You attract what you are. And as Kerry said, you insult yourself enough so that no one else can insult you.
Seriously I don’t understand how you find reality insulting. Just as I can’t understand why you’d want women to stick to unrealistic expecations, that’ll eventually bar them from both seeing the truth and finding someone within that truth. You say you love yourself, so do I, but that doesn’t mean I’m not aware of who I am and what limitations my life has. You hated all Polish men, good for you, I don’t hate all men, in fact, I don’t hate men at all. I just don’t want to spend time and effort daydreaming about something that will probably never happen. Why is that so hard for you to understand? I’m very particular about my life, my condition, my health and nobody wants to put up with such things if they can avoid it. What’s not to get? The point I’m trying to make is very simple. BEFORE you reach where I’m at, cause believe me it’s very easy, cause you never know what dawns tomorrow, stop having unrealistic expectations, and sit down an discuss with yourself what it is you really need, cause if you go through life waiting for the Knight in Shining Armor he may never come, and then it’s too late. But I guess that’s also hard for you to understand.
Do you think I am some hopeless romantic? Think again. I want a partner, an equal, my attraction, someone who I am physically, intellectually, sexually, and spiritually attracted and connected to. I don’t believe in marriage and I have no desire to have children. There is no shortage. I believe people can have many relationships with other people, I just think the best relationship you can have is with yourself. There are no limitations in my life. But as I said before, to each their own. I have a different view of life and relationships. And I only have one life so I am making the most of it.
Good for you, and you should be more romanticin that case. Understand that I can’t be. I have a disability and a child. I have way too many limitations, which you don’t have. I think I should probably ask why you aren’t romantic, cause if I were you, I would be. Your reality allows for it, mine doesn’t.
Living in Poland (and nothing against that country) and my past relationship, taught me a thing or two about romance and relationships. I do not conform to society. I believe society has a BS concept of the idea of romance.
You have a lot less reasons to hate men than me by the sounds of it so far. I learnt something after my son’s father left us, and I still believe it even after my narc ex, that yes, many men are creeps but they’re not all. Just like many women aren’t the epitomy of love and devotion either, but not all. Generalizations never set you on the right path. It’s simple statistics that make up the possibilities. You might as well be the exception, you never know. But it’s unrealistic to EXPECT to be the exception, disregarding the rules. In my case, the odds aren’t in my favour, and I’m not inclined to compromise. So, alone it is. Better that way than without self-respect and self-esteem.
You should write a book.
LOL!!! Thanks for the joke that cracked me up 😛
“It’s not your job to make the other person happy. It’s theirs.” Saying these words made me realise that this is what I always tried to do to everybody, and if I could not make a simple person happy from all of them, I would take it as a personal insult and be unhappy. I need to work on this, thank you for opening my eye, what a great post 🙂
Thank you for your article ChaChanna. I’ve spent the past few days trying to pull myself out some bad thoughts and feelings, and your article has shifted my mind to a new place. It’s quite refreshing actually. I’ve never felt the need to comment on an article page before – until now. Thank you again. Have a wonderful day.
Hi ChaChanna, I just wanted to thank you for sharing your wisdom. It is absolute perfect timing for me to read that, I can relate so much that it felt like you were writing about my experiences as well! I’m so happy and grateful you shared your thoughts, and that you have the courage to look at what needs to change within yourself rather than feel defeated in love. I am really keen to do the same and I feel that your story is the catalyst for that. So thank you, thank you thank you!
Thank you so much for this article! I realized that I have a similar pattern in my relationships, and that it needs to stop. I’m going to try your suggestions!
Great article Cha Channa, good on you for taking the responsiblity.. I am starting to realise that I am struggling with valuing relationships with women.. I am really not sure what I want from them (I value, want to love and help one and have it all be mutual). At the same time I need to experience what I am actually looking for and have some more growth myself as well..
Is that similar to what you had to go through?
Hi Jef,
I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I wanted someone who was busy so they wouldn’t try to hang around me all the time. And I found that type of person every time. Then I’d change my mind and try to get them to spend more time with me. It was a convoluted message I was sending out there.
Finally, I took a dating hiatus so I could stop wasting people’s times, figure out what I wanted and who I really wanted to spend time with. So, it is similar.
Enjoy the journey of figuring out what you are looking for and have fun along the way.