“It’s so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.” ~John Steinbeck
When you lose someone close to you, there are a plethora of duties you must first complete.
When my boyfriend passed away from cancer at the age of twenty-nine, I was just twenty-three. We lived together in a claustrophobic, studio apartment in lower Manhattan. I recall many people telling me to physically move from the apartment, as that’s where he passed away, but moving in Manhattan is never an ideal situation to be in, especially when you are traumatized.
Many of the duties that need to be completed after a death are material. The other person’s belongings need to be sorted through, their finances need to be evaluated, services need to be arranged, and then family and friends of the deceased must be contacted.
To make matters worse for me, we were never married—so my right to taking care of some of these things was non-existent.
It took me three years to open my boyfriend’s closet. I called a friend of his when I was ready. Though she was living on the opposite coast, she booked a flight for the next month and came to my rescue.
As we were going through his clothes and reminiscing on his favorite shirts and the ones that he made (he was a fashion designer), we smiled and silently began to look at separate pieces. I was attempting to get a photo of his out of a picture frame, and I was working on it for quite awhile. My friend was looking at more of his shirts. A momentary twinkle of music began to play.
“That’s cool, does that picture frame play music?” she asked.
I looked up and saw a music box of mine, nearby but completely isolated from another object’s touch, playing for a few more beats and then abruptly stop.
I knew it was him.
Just as I never expected myself to completely move on from this loss, I had also hoped that he wouldn’t as well. I get subtle hints of his presence through dreams, and sometimes they are more tangible like the music box.
I had much help from friends and family members in the following months after his death. It was when it hit almost the year mark that people started to forget the reality of the pain I was feeling every day. I had been told to “move on” or stop writing about the loss, as it could be triggering for other people. Well, I’m sorry if this “triggers” you, but I will never move on.
I will continue to bask in the memories from a life that was cut too soon.
I will still talk about him, write about him, and I will not force myself to forget him.
I will still recognize the signs of him trying to reach out to me from another plain of existence.
I will remember the dreams of him that brought me closer to my own spirituality.
This is something that is and always will be a part of me, for it is a love that was real and unique, and nothing can ever replace it or diminish that memory.
If you are told to move on, I challenge you to acknowledge the same.
Never forget the essence of the human being you have lost.
Continue to write down the adventures that you had, and continue to share them with others even though the body of the one you have lost no longer exists.
Know that your pain and heartbreak is a symptom of your love, and you should never be forced to move on from that one of a kind feeling you experienced.
Do not force yourself to smile. But encourage yourself to smile when you are faced with the past—or cry. (I once cried looking at a Naked Green Machine juice, because that was my boyfriend’s favorite drink.)
If someone is uncomfortable with you speaking about your loss, recognize that you are uncomfortable and own it.
One day, when you don’t move on, you will be at peace. You will be at peace with your memories and your very existence, and you will never forget how much of an impact the person you lost has had on you.
The beautiful thing about them is that you will never move on from them.
About Alicia McDaniels
Alicia McDaniels moved to New York City in 2009 to pursue her passion in the creative arts. She’s currently working on an online outlet to showcase creative writing and other forms of artistic expression, which can be found at www.thewritingcabin.com. .
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Nice article indeed. Yes its very hard to move on especially when our better half, whom was also lime a father figure for me, who was like a strong wall protecting me from this selfish world, who made me see bigger dreams and made me feel like a kid always…. its very hard to move on. Even though its been nearly 1.5 years now since i lost him. I am not able to think a life with him. So i imagine he is still there and forget that last lost horrible day.. i really wish he comes back just for me just for a day, i wd trade my life for that. I really missssss him like if there is no sunrise one morning, how hard it is for everyone, its like that. I hav so much gratitude to him. My brother says me to move on becas life has to go on, but i am really lost. I dontknow how to recover.
thank you for sharing, Alicia. I agree with you 100%. This story was absolutely beautiful and incredibly moving. <3
Very good article…I still miss him so having lost the love of my life in 2012… I will never forget!
Begs the question – Does ‘moving on’ mean forgetting the experience and or denying how much a experience impacted and influenced ones sense of self?
Or by ‘moving on’ do we mean finding a way to integrate all the positives we were blessed to have gotten to experience with our loved ones who have passed on as we continue living fully?
Perhaps its symantec’s and I don’t understand… yet I think its possible to hold two seemingly opposed experiences (‘remembering’ and ‘moving forward’) in mind at the same time and still retain a healthy ability to engage with life in the present.
No, you never forget those you love and who are the closest to you. They will live on in your memory and you do have all of their cherished memories for the rest of your lifetime. It’s important to continue to live your life and live forward even though it seems hard or almost impossible. “Moving on” is not the right expression to use. It implies forgetting that person and relationship and denying it existed in your life. Always acknowledge their legacy in your life as you continue living your life. People who say it’s time to move on don’t know what to say to a grieving person so they just pick what is convenient. You have a right to grieve in your own time, and if that triggers others, they need to work on why it’s triggering them. I lost my husband almost 40 years ago at a young age and since then I’ve lost both of my parents and other people who I was close to. I’ll never forget them as I make my journey forward in my life knowing they have enriched my life just by knowing them and having them in my life.
I lost my mother 59 years ago at six years old. Not a day goes by without my wondering about the things we might have done together and how we would have enriched each others lives.
Wow. Thank you for sharing your story Alicia. My husband passed away 30 years ago & I needed to read & acknowledge that it’s still ok to feel the pain of losing someone who made me feel so very special. 💕
Fancy somebody coming along when your partner dies & saying to stop writing about your grief because it’s been *one year* since they died & it will ‘trigger others’. Some people can be so self-centred & rude, can’t they! Trigger others my a**e, more like help other people feel less alone ?!
“The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you’ll never have.” ― Søren Kierkegaard
JUST LOVELY
Very nice article. I agree with everything you say here. It may be impossible to “move on” when you lose someone who gave meaning to your life and made it so much better than it would otherwise be. This sums it up very well:
“This is something that is and always will be a part of me, for
it is a love that was real and unique, and nothing can ever replace it
or diminish that memory.”
Sometimes the past is better than the present or even the future and in that case there will be longing for the old (and better) days with certain melancholy that perhaps never goes away. I also agree that people cannot be replaced. People are unique and all relationships have that unique touch which will never be replicated in any other relationship.
When you lose someone you really love or care about, that loss will be permanent and no one else can replace it or make it fully okay. This is especially true if the present is worse or even miserable compared to that past. It’s completely understandable to keep on holding to those good memories. In some cases it may be the only light in the darkness a person has.