“Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, and don’t put up with people that are reckless with yours.” ~Mary Schmich
After Mom passed away two years ago, I returned home to take care of the remnants of her earthly life.
Clothes and shoes, books with her notes in the margins, old cookware and medication leftovers. Tableware, sewing utensils, knitting needles and thread. And at the very end, the most private part of Mom’s life, something I’d been avoiding for as long as I could: photographs, letters, diaries, and notes. These deeply personal belongings took me on an emotional roller coaster ride a few months long.
Sweet notes penned by my dad at age twenty-one to Mom at the hospital, where she was recovering after a complicated delivery of their only child … me. Written in his clumsy, dear handwriting, and Mom’s short replies underneath, her handwriting as neat as always.
Letters from Mom’s ex-boyfriends, before my father’s time (why did I always assume that she didn’t have any?). And emotional messages from me, sent from a summer camp to the address I knew by heart since I was three. My letters to Mozambique, where my parents worked in the early 1980s, and postcards from my travels. A few envelopes from my son, whom Mom loved deeply, in a way she could never love me. Or so I thought.
She kept them all.
Seventy years of Mom’s memories written on paper she didn’t even remember she had. And even if she’d known, she wouldn’t be able to read them because of her illness.
But the most profound emotional moment of all was still waiting to come: letters from Mom to a younger me. Letters she wrote but never sent—I will never know why. What was she afraid of?
I read these letters with tears streaming down my cheeks like two spring creeks down the hill. The letters were imbued with love, like a forest glade with sunshine on a hot summer day. They were full of compassion I didn’t realize Mom possessed.
She kept these letters because they were vital to her. And I know now that she loved me. Always.
But for a significant part of my life, I wasn’t even sure that Mom wanted me. When I was little, she treated me like her property, as if she owned me—my body, my thoughts, and my feelings. When I grew older, we fought and struggled, hurting one another in an attempt to protect the scared and lonely little girl inside each of us.
It took me decades to heal and forgive Mom. It took a debilitating illness for her to tear down the mighty walls she’d built around her soul and embrace the love that had always smouldered in her heart
I’ve lived long enough to learn a great deal about human psychology; I even made it my profession. And I see that history repeats itself: Women like my mom pass on their family’s legacy of abuse. Why? Because they either don’t know how to change it, don’t dare to, or lack the necessary resources and support to break the pattern.
As a result, new generations of kids grow up suffering, feeling unloved. And trauma celebrates its new victory on their account.
But it doesn’t have to continue, because today we know so much more.
We no longer stigmatize people with emotional problems and mental illnesses. We understand that children, too, suffer from anxiety and depression—something that in my “happy” childhood was unthinkable to suggest. We didn’t have psychologists in schools to help us make sense out of the distorted reality of our homes.
We were alone with our pain.
Sometimes I wish I could meet a younger me and tell her what I know today. To help her and other youth quietly suffering in their dysfunctional families to see the truth, relieve their pain, and encourage them to enjoy their lives more.
What would I tell to a younger me if I could meet her today?
Here it is:
You are not alone.
The worst memory of my childhood and young adulthood was feeling lonely. I was unable to tell anyone about my family life because mothers were believed to be made of pure gold. In fact, I even thought that my life was quite normal.
I wish I’d known back then that not all mothers are good. Some are sick and fighting their own demons. Below the surface, they don’t love themselves, and they don’t know how to love their children. Children who suffer in silence, just like me … and just like you.
There’s nothing wrong with you.
For decades I felt confused when Mom told me I was the one with a problem. According to her, I couldn’t do anything right, not even remember things the way they really happened. She told me I had a “lively imagination” or even called me a “little liar” because what I remembered had never taken place. And I believed her—no wonder all of my all senses were disorganized.
So let me tell you this: It’s not you with the problem, it’s your mother, and she’s unable to admit it. She gaslights you using toxic “amnesia” to confuse your senses and create doubt. No matter how much you try to be the best in school, cook dinner for the family, and be there to support your mom’s emotional needs, it’s not going to change her perception of you.
Don’t bother trying to impress her. The only person you need to impress is you. Be yourself.
You are good enough as you are.
Do you desperately want to be loved and cherished by your mom? Do you long for her approval, like I did? Do you try your hardest, but no matter what you do, it’s never good enough?
I have good and bad news. The bad news is that it probably will never change. And the good news is, you are good enough already, so stop working so hard trying to prove it to your mother. There’s no need.
Protect yourself.
I was vulnerable to Mom’s intermittent reinforcements for most of my adult life. As soon as she acted cordially, I would do anything for her. I believed she’d changed, only to be disappointed again and again.
So when your mother suddenly becomes lovely and cheerful with you, and you feel like your life has finally turned around, remember that it hasn’t. Not for long, anyway.
Don’t start immediately sharing your deepest secrets and feelings with her, because they will almost certainly be turned against you a few hours later. Enjoy the moment, but stay on guard.
Don’t try to change your mom.
I tried to reason with Mom and explain to her what her behavior was doing to me. But every time, she would feel wronged, react angrily, and start a fight. Eventually, she did change her behavior, but not until much later and at the most unexpected time ever.
Will your mother ever change? Probably not, so don’t waste your life waiting for that. It’s your mother’s life and responsibility, not yours. Focus on improving your own behavior and live a joyful, fulfilling life of your own. This is the only chance that your mother might follow your lead.
Worry less and appreciate your life.
It’s okay to be happy, no matter what your mother tells you. Life isn’t meant to be 24/7 hard work and suffering in the process, as my mother sadly believed.
There’s a place for fun and joy every day—always remember that.
Here are my favorite activities to cope with worries and help to de-stress:
- Keep busy doing what you love to do.
- Stay physically active—go to the gym, take a walk or go hiking, play games outside, swim or run. Pick your favorite and start moving.
- Play and sing a favorite song.
- Play a musical instrument if you can.
- Solve a puzzle.
- Use the tapping technique, together with anti-stress and anti-worry affirmations.
- Plan your next day.
- Limit your presence on social media and the Internet.
- Don’t watch the news.
- Use your creative powers or enjoy the creations of others.
Think for yourself.
Growing up with difficult, critical mothers, we have trouble trusting ourselves. But trust can be learned.
Remind yourself that you’re good enough the way you are—just as good (and as bad) as anyone else! Care less about what others might think or say. Love and trust yourself to make your own decisions. Don’t be afraid to be confident and appreciate your life.
Have a goal and work hard to make it happen.
Ask yourself, what do you want your life to be like five years from now? Do you want to work with animals, help people, or be a rocket scientist? Find out what you like, what makes you excited and gives you a sense of purpose.
Then, get an education or find a job in that field, and don’t allow others to interfere with your plans. Start investing in your future.
Distance yourself emotionally from your mother.
Distancing yourself will protect you from feeling hurt and help you to learn more about your mom. You’ll begin to see that she projects her own insecurities, worries, and fears on you because she doesn’t know better. To be honest, she never really grew up. That little unloved, lonely girl inside her still steers her life.
Distancing yourself helps you avoid enmeshing with your mom’s feelings and stops her from influencing yours.
Learn to trust other people.
Because if you don’t trust anyone, you will be lonely. Start inviting people into your life—there are many good men and women out there.
That said, choose your friends (and partners) with care. Don’t strive to be part of the popular crowd but instead look for honesty and kindness in others. Look for someone who has the potential to genuinely care about you. A therapist may be one of these people.
—
Some people are lucky enough to have mature parents who know how to love their kids, and some are not. Some of us have better health, and some have more money than others. There are many things in life we can’t control or change. We have what we have, and it’s probably for a reason—after all, who would we be if we didn’t have challenges to overcome? If everything we wished for came served on a golden plate?
We would never grow and develop as humans. We’d be living the lives of plankton forever, feeding and being eaten.
So by definition, life is not easy or fair. And when the little girl inside me feels scared, I hug her and say, “Don’t worry so much, love. You will be alright, and your life will be full. You will turn challenges into adventures, weaknesses into strengths, and learn to find joy even in difficult times. You’re a great kid! Stay cheerful, curious and kind as you are. Take care of yourself.”
What do you say to your inner child?
About Irina Bengtson
Irina is a daughter of a narcissistic mother, clinical psychologist and a founder of www.LoveGrowBeHappy.com. She combines her professional knowledge with a healing experience to help other daughters of narcissistic, hurtful mothers break free from their dysfunctional relationships. She’s a creator of online courses How to Set Boundaries and Protect Yourself from Hurt, The Ultimate Guide to De-stressing and Enjoying Life Now, and How to Cope with a Hurtful Mother and Reclaim Your Life.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
This rings a lot of bells for me. It nicely puts in words notions that eluded me giving voice to them.
Hello! I just finished your article after a fight with my mom and this gives me so much hope for the future. I'm only 16 and I'm very sensitive emotional-wise, so the things my mom says and does to me always stick. I try to block out the bad moments, but I always remember them eventually. I sometimes get stuck in my head and get very self-deprecating because of the distance between my mom and I. I hope one day we can have a better relationship, but right now I just want to get away from her and take care of myself. She is exhausting to be around and even though I know she loves me, I think we would be better off not having a close relationship when I'm an adult. For now though, your advice is helping me look forward to my future, so thank you so much for your insight.
"As soon as she acted cordially, I would do anything for her. I believed she’d changed, only to be disappointed again and again." This is my story. The worse is wondering if I'm wrong.
Thanks for writing this.
Thank you for this. It really hit home.
My 13 year old daughter is in this now, she lives with me and wishes to have nothing to do with her mum, she won't even recognise her as mum, mum is now threatening to take me to court to gain access and has already said to our daughter that she has paperwork that means she has a right to be with her, she is a child and has to do as she is told. There has been reported physical aggression to our daughter from my ex too. My daughter is really struggling, paralysis, visualisations and voices of her mum wherever she goes, no place is safe, as her dad it's devastating to see and finding appropriate support in the UK is proving impossible. How can a mother treat a child as property to be fought over and showcased when wanted, and discarded when inconvenient? How do we get through this???
I think this story is as old as mothers and daughters have existed. Its also a necessary story as we all try to navigate this thing called life. There are so very few that can cut a daughter like a mother and vice versa. Its a necessary teaching to learn that there are other stories going on in the back ground that have nothing to do with us. In those moments of confusion… when someone is behaving in such an unloving way…. it often, if not always, has nothing to do with us.
Thank you for your advice. I am learning. I do this and am doing this not just for the benefit of myself but for the benefit of all beings. Mostly myself and then for my mother.
To all my sisters out there… you are courageous, you are kind, you are brave, you everything you need to be and more importantly, you are enough. You lack nothing. Go into the world and let them know… you are beautiful and so are our mothers in the lessons they bring us. Thank you for your messages. They were and are needed. We are not alone.
Hi! Thank you for sharing <3
Can you please explain what “the tapping technique” is?
Thank you!
Irina, I can’t tell you how much I appreciated your post. It is hard to find relevant articles about toxic mothers, as it is still considered as a bad thing. But we are not alone,that is true!
So thank you for sharing this, know that you’ve reached a reader from Belgium!
ps: my mom’s name is Irina as well!
Oh, my, oh, my! I am 83 and I can see myself in all of that as clear as day. My mother died many years ago and at some point I did come to forgive her for her neglect/emotional and verbal abuse. There never was any way I could ever please her or receive her approval. Eventually I came to realize how her childhood influenced her. I truly feel sorry for her because she never got to figure out who she was or what she wanted. I have done so much more because of my struggles and I like who I am. I can’t believe that she could have ever said that.
Thank you Irina. Your piece is timely for me and exactly what I needed to hear today. My mom is toxic to me and I presently had to distance myself to keep my balance. I love her and I know she loves me, she just has a strange way of showing (or not showing) it. As she grows older and more reliant on me I have a hard time navigating the waters between her needs or her manipulation. You remind me that I’m not crazy or selfish for having boundaries. Mothers affect us like no other relationship. Remembering that we all are imperfect works in progress is helpful for me to keep it all in perspective. I also know I’ll miss her when she’s gone. Thanks again for sharing.
So many good and valuable thoughts and ideas here. I was raised by a highly narcissistic mother and still am working on my internal scars. It hasn’t been easy but I’m better than I was five years ago. I do see my progress and that makes me very happy.
I think this is a poor choice of post. I am sick of blaming. My grandmother was possibly one of the most difficult women imaginable and my mother adored her. Maybe daughters are too quick to judge and too righteous when it comes to mothers. I believe some of this post is true and most mothers are imperfect but us daughters are often not what our mothers ordered either.
Your words hurt. I’m a mother who grew up with a mom who was emotionally neglectful and I have Asperger’s, but when my babies came along, I planned to ‘not raise them the way my mom raised me’. So two parent household, stayed at home with my kids always and we loved them and made sure they had everything they needed, lots of times what they wanted and we never pushed them beyond their limits. Like Dr. Phil says, ‘we were always that soft place to fall when the world treated them unfairly’.
My 39 year old daughter just told me that she didn’t want to have me in her life ever again. We’ve had no fights, I live on the other side of the country so I’m not bothering her by being there too much and I’ve worked hard to at least let my two grandkids know that I love them. Little gifts, little cards, letters that are appropriate to their age….and now my daughter has dumped me from her life and theirs. With both my daughters, I was always encouraging, supporting their dreams and ideas…..and now I find out it wasn’t good enough.
While I’ve made a point of always talking to my own mom despite the fact that her and I are oil and water. But she’s my mom, took care of me when times were hard for her and she did the best she could as a single mother and I’d never dump her and destroy her. Like my daughter has destroyed me.
You’re talking from the perspective of the daughter who thinks life and mom were awful and unfair. I wonder how your mother experienced all those years of pain. I have a hunch that I know.
Wow, this was like reading my life story. My realtionship with my mother has always been strained and difficult, due to her harboring alot of trauma and resentment from her own childhood. I am a mom to two daughters, and I have to stop myself from making the same comments, actions and gestures that my mom did to me. I am in therapy for my own personal issues, and I hope that I am stopping the pathology that falls on so many daughters. This was definitely a good read!
I was very impressed by your article…. thank you so much for sharing! I work with young women in my practice and this type of silent abuse is still going on!! I appreciate your courage and honesty.
This really healed a part of me. Honestly, I never understood about my mom and I. I can totally relate this, its very hard to have her love for me I never knew how to make her happy. I always doubted my own reality when she says that I’m always wrong and I’m not the way she is. She always puts herself first while talking. I really felt horrible when she say those things I even thought she was right about me and felt there is something wrong with me. Now I forgive her, understanding she never really resolved her own issues.
While reading your story, I felt like I was looking at a reflection of my own self in the mirror. I know what it’s like to feel like how you feel is always wrong because the person who brought you into the world makes you feel that you are not meant to be here. Where the crazy and dysfunctional becomes normal and the normal doesn’t exist. Growing up, there was no one to talk to about toxic moms, because according to everyone, they didn’t exist. For many of us who grew up with a mother who didn’t, or couldn’t love, them, this often left us without a voice.
Thank you for sharing not only your story, but your insights into your journey of healing. More and more I see people starting to share what it was like to grow up with a toxic mother, and how it still impacts their life as an adult.
Thank you for helping to extend the dialogue and giving us an opportunity to share our voice.
beautiful writing that is just what i say to the inner child in me.Thank you for this writing, it describes my mother to a T.i figured out long ago not to be defined by another persons actions because that is a reflection of whats going on with in them not me.There is so much love and beauty with in this world and also inside of us all. i have two older sisters and an older brother who struggle with everything you mention in this writing till this day and sadly i had to distance myself from them for the toxic attitudes and behaviors they developed from empowering my mothers toxic ways and being hurt by her repeatedly. Im so glad you had the courage to put into words what so many are afraid to say about there toxic moms and that its okay to say MOM IF YOU CANT TREAT ME RIGHT AND VALUE ME FOR THE BEAUTIFUL PERSON I AM…YOU WONT BE IN MY BEAUTIFUL LIFE!!! thanks again for this writing it hit home so well for me peace and god bless
I LOVE what you say to your inner child!!! Thank you for this post! Very much appreciated! 🙂
My mother is also a narcissist. I can fully understand what you went through. I left home as soon as I could and I was happy being on my own. Unfortunately, I ended up marrying an older narcissistic man. I was a student of psychology at the time. He insisted I get post graduate degrees while working full time and I was eager to please him so I did. I worked in a mental hospital at that time, how could I have not recognized this man for what he was, a classic text book narcissist, until it was almost too late. I can only assume it was my mothers negative influence over my early life made me easy prey. I was his third wife, and I learned later that his pattern of behavior was identical with all three of us– as if he was following a script. He is now my ex-husband.
Thank you so much for this article, it described me to a T. I do use some of your coping strategies already and will look into the others. I am plagued by worry and unconsciously limit joy out of fear of ?? I would like to forgive my mother, but find myself more often than not thinking things have “finally changed” only to be burned again. My mother is getting older, so I keep trying to make the best of her still being here, making the effort for me, not for her, in hopes that when she is gone I will miss her. Thank you for writing this article, and ignore the negative comments, there are plenty of us out there that needed this article!!
Thank you! I’m glad you found my article helpful.
Another name for Tapping is Emotional Freedom Technique (E.F.T.). Some call it a psychological version of acupuncture because it utilizes the body’s energy meridian points. What you do is gently tap with your fingertips on specific points on your body, while you focus on a particular feeling, thought or image. Those points are your body’s own energy and healing power sources. This technique can help to process difficult emotions, and for some, it can be helpful with pain, dizziness and cravings, too. E.F.T. is relatively simple and can be used by everyone, but there’re a few basic rules you must learn first.
You can find lots of materials about this technique online. There’re also lots of therapists trained in this method.
You gave me an idea – to write an article about Tapping. Thank you, and take care.
It’s crucial for our healing, to notice and celebrate our progress. Reading your comment warms my heart. Thank you!
Thank you for your kind words.
Unfortunately, this kind of silent abuse happens just as much as 50 years ago. I wish someone helped me when I was little and alone. At least today we have more knowledge, consideration and possibilities to help those girls and boys earlier in their lives. I have a lot of appreciation for your work. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Stephanie. And you aright – we are many, and we can support one another. I’m looking forward to learning to know you better. Take care. 🙂
I’m sorry to hear your story. I can only imagine the pain you’re going through, but it breaks my heart. Nobody deserves to hear the words your daughter said to you.
You are right about different perspectives in life. In this article, mine was a daughter’s perspective. But I know that there is a mother perspective too, and it is just as valuable as the first one.
I don’t know you or your daughter, so I’m not saying it’s the truth in your case. But sometimes, when we decide to be nothing like our mothers, we become the exact opposite meaning that we still live our lives according to our mother’s script. It doesn’t have to be true for you; what I am trying to say is that if you could put your hurt feelings aside for a while and think of what may have caused this rift with your daughter, you would probably be able to see it from another perspective. And if not, you have at least tried. And always remember what you said about your own mother – she did her best. So did you.
I wish you peace and much love.
You have a big heart, and I know from my own experience that forgiveness, when not forced, gives a tremendous relief.
I’m sincerely happy to hear that the article helped you not only understand the dynamics of your relationship with your mother, but it also helped you to forgive her and heal a part of you.
Thank you so much for sharing.
I’m sorry you felt this way. The article is not about blaming our mothers, and you can easily proof my words if you read my blog. I was angry ones, we all were, and that’s an appropriate reaction to emotional abuse. Today I understand that blame will not help anyone to heal; it will only keep you in the past. But denial has precisely the same effect. We need to acknowledge our feelings and process them, to move forward and heal. I wish you all the best.
And yes, you stopped this generational problem in your family from being passed onto your daughters. Recognizing the problem is the very first step, and you’re longer ahead on your healing journey because you refrain from repeating your mom’s behavioural patterns, and you are in therapy. You are courageous and brave – celebrate your achievements!
Your understanding, insight and the ability to forgive are incredible.
I’m so happy for you! You truly broke the chain of generational abuse and became free. Thank you so much for sharing!
And I wish you more happiness and joy in your life. 🙂
Sharing our stories may help other daughters of dysfunctional mothers to understand what’s going on in their families. Knowledge is empowering. Knowing that you are not alone going through this ordeal – there’re millions of others, helps to feel less lonely. But sharing stories of healing gives hope and direction: it’s a long journey, but life can and will be better. Just as you want it to be.
Thank you for your kind words.
There were times when I was so exhausted taking care of my mum that I wanted to leave or wished she was already gone. We are just humans. We also need to take care of ourselves because when we don’t, we have very little to give.
My mum was torturing me emotionally for decades, but I’m glad that I didn’t run away because of what happened in the end. And I do miss her, especially that smile on her face every time she saw me in her last year – that smile said it all.
I wish you patience and strength. Be kind to yourself, too
Sorry to hear that you had to go through so much. But you are right about the influence of your childhood on your husband’s choice. Today we know that emotional abuse or neglect in childhood leads to emotional loneliness and the choice of emotionally immature partners and friends. But you understand it now, and this is what matters, not what happened in your past – it is gone. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the love that you could not get from your mother and ex-husband. You deserve it. Besides, it will help attract other, positive people into your life.:)
Thank you so much for the beautiful words and your wisdom. Yes, there’s much love and beauty in our world, and we can choose to invite them into our lives and say no to toxic behaviours of some people even if they are our family.
I’m happy for you. God bless.
Indeed, anxiety is often the reason for us to avoid good things in life, because of ”what if” questions, or maybe if I keep suffering nothing worse would happen. It’s in our human nature, so is a desire to be happy and enjoy life. Be sure that you choose to stay with your mother for the right reason. I have a feeling that you may need to let go of your hope to have that loving mother; you have always wanted her to be. Grieve it now while your mother still lives, and help her because you have a big heart. And thank you so much for your kind words.
Yes, I love that little girl, finally. 🙂
Thank you for your kind words.
I feel the same exact way. I’m currently living with an alcoholic mother who is emotionally abusive and I feel that I can’t break free. I’ve been playing the tenor sax for about a year and that it really good for me. I feel that it’s always a double-standard with the alcoholic parent. I’m grateful that I don’t drink and I can’t stand the feeling of alcohol because it gives me this terrible vertigo. I personally feel that alcohol is a waste of time, money, and your life.
Thank you SO much Irina for sharing. Both of my parents were like this- narcissistic, mean and white knuckling it through life. I have very few happy memories as a child. It was especially hard for me growing up around friends who had loving relationships with their parents while I basically had to guide myself through life. It wasn’t until I was in therapy that I learned my parents repeated the cycle because they thought their behavior was normal and never learned anything different. I’m working on forgiving them but a part of me will always be angry that I got screwed in the parenting department. Great news is, I broke the cycle and am determined to have a happy life 🙂
Thank you. Time does indeed heal all wounds. I have forgiven him and have moved on. I am happy and healthy, in a loving relationship. I wanted to share my experience for those with narcissistic mothers to beware that they might also fall for a very attentive, affectionate narcissist. The emotional abuse comes later.
I appreciate you sharing your experience with us. It shows that there is always hope, and change is possible. Thank you so much. Happy for you!
It’s sad not to have good memories as a child. I understand how you felt around friends who had loving parents. I remember feeling shocked when I first realized that not all mothers were like mine.
Well, we can’t change the past, but when we heal and grow, as you do, we can change our perception of the past. I’m so happy to hear that you had the courage to break the generational cycle of abuse – celebrate that! And I sincerely hope that someday, you also will be able to move from anger to compassion and forgiveness. Give yourself time.
Ten years ago, I didn’t believe in forgiveness. Then it came and brought a feeling of relief and calm, but also more good memories from my childhood than I thought I had.
Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your experiences. 🙂
I share your feelings about alcohol, and I don’t need it to have fun, feel happiness and joy. I’m sorry that you have to go through the challenge of living with an emotionally abusive, alcoholic mother. That must be tough. But you found an excellent coping strategy that helps you to survive – music! Always remember to tap into your creative side!
I understand that you have your reasons for feeling unable to break free from your mother at the moment. One day, you will be ready, but be sure to have loving people to support you. Take care.
Thank you so much for this article. I thought this pain would never go away. I needed to hear it today. You have put it into exact words. It’s so great to know that I am not only one and NOT the lonely , ungrateful, selfish, weirdo and was shameful feeling broken inside since a little girl. Love.
Thank you so much for this article. I thought this pain would never go away. I needed to hear it today. You have put it into exact words. It’s so great to know that I am not only one and NOT the lonely , ungrateful, selfish, weirdo and was shameful feeling broken inside since a little girl. Love
I am happy that my words have found a way into your heart. That the article resonated with you and helped you see that you are not alone! You are not selfish and not broken, but another hurt woman who grew up with a mother who herself was hurt and did not know how to love. Hurt people hurt, as they say. But understanding this is the first step to your healing, to finding peace and joy. Much love 🤗
You are welcome 🧡
Yes the truth thanks
In my opinion your opening paragraphs totally detracted from your main thesis about toxic mothers which is what brought me here.
Irina
Thank you for this, your words make me feel validated. I have only learned just how troublesome my relationship with my mother was right from the moment I was born in recent years; as a child, when times were tough I found distraction in the good times, which made it seem like a very happy childhood because I thought that my upbringing was standard. Today I am struggling with problems such as lack of trust or insecurity (paranoia of being taken advantage of), insomnia (which I have suffered my whole life possibly due to ill but well-meaning advice given to my mother by her parents to ‘let the child cry itself to sleep’), poor memory recall, poor ability to recognise and/or address my emotions, failure at maintaining relationships with friends, colleagues and acquaintances, depression and generalised anxiety disorder.
My mother is someone who is caring in a practical way, but not an emotional way – when I was young she never seemed to have time for me, yet she seemed to be much kinder to my brother which made me feel like I was the problem. She holds much resentment toward her father who emotionally neglected her. She seems to have had a better relationship with her mother than she did her father. My brother does not suffer the issues that I do; he has a secure job, is extremely gregarious, has a long-term relationship and appears to have a natural self-assuredness, of which I am very jealous.
I will not have children for many reasons, but I feel glad that the emotional neglect will end with me. It is just my life now which I must spend a lifetime building up from scratch, trying to be the mother to myself which I never had. I have tried medication and counselling – I would return to the latter if I could afford to, but sadly I cannot. I think I’d like to try yoga when covid-19 restrictions eventually loosen, and try again to learn to play guitar or piano. As a child I would spend most hours outside of school either drawing horses and other animals or writing silly stories about superhero animals. Somehow I found solace in creativity and animals.
Society and my parents dissuaded me from wanting to become an author or artist once I reached my early teens, so I felt clueless as to what I wanted to do for a career. The school career advisor at the time managed to establish that I liked animals a lot and so my education and many of my jobs have had a strong animal focus. Now I am 25 and I still don’t know what I want to do or what I can realistically do for a living, I still live at home because I haven’t been able to attain a permanent job which could enable me to afford to rent elsewhere, and anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation are prominent in my life. Despite the hopelessness that I feel, I’m still here and I cherish the simple things in life like the food and drinks or TV/film/music that I like, the warmth of the sun or a fire, the beauty of natural landscapes and of birdsong, and a good book or video game.
After telling myself ‘it’s OK’ and ignoring the problems I’ve had for so long, I find myself wanting someone to tell me ‘it’s OK not to be OK’ instead, so thank you for being that someone. My mother and I still have issues, but we know what they are now which has been a big stepping stone for our relationship as we slowly but surely attempt to address them.
I was very sorry to hear of your loss and I hope that those letters which your mother wrote to you brought you some consolation.
I really wish they had something like this for my daughter whose father is like this but not a mother and a father so that I could give it to my daughter seems like it’s always about a mother wish I could find some thing just like this but that is about a father to his daughter so I could help my daughter