“Change is inevitable. Growth is intentional.” ~Glenda Cloud
Growing up, I never had that many friends. The concept of best friends is still foreign to me. For the first seventeen years of my life, I found myself happier alone than in the presence of other people.
I wanted to join them; I just didn’t know how.
In order to protect myself from people I’d rather not mention, I decided to join a karate class. For the first time I belonged to a group that was slowly starting to accept me.
In the months that followed, I began to go out with them. It was awkward at first (and didn’t seem to get any easier). I had several short nervous breakdowns out of pure frustration. I would often get home feeling like a truck had run over me.
What annoyed me the most was that even though I would hang out with friends, I couldn’t express myself. I couldn’t think of anything to say and even when something came up, I just said it to myself.
I knew that wasn’t me.
I was the loudest guy on the block in my neighborhood. I never ran out of things to say. I didn’t feel any pressure whatsoever. However, in this new group (or any new groups for that matter), I simply shut down.
One night we were out at a bar. It was karaoke night but nobody volunteered to sing, so we sat at a table to chitchat.
I found myself sweating and shivering for no reason. I couldn’t keep eye contact with anyone. Opening my mouth was out of the question. I got home feeling like my head was collapsing in on itself.
That night, I literally interviewed everybody I could find online trying to figure out “how normal people think.”
I picked a bunch of random friends on messenger and asked them something along the lines of, “What do you think of when you are alone and there’s nothing else to do? Do you think of practical matters or just imagine random stuff?”
I forgot most of the answers I received—all but one.
My Kyokushin instructor, someone I looked up to and still do, answered, “I think of how to grow the club, of how I can spread Kyokushin karate.” A couple years later, this man became the chief of the Romanian branch of the World All Kyokushin Karate Union.
The next day, my friends were whispering behind my back.
I heard my instructor saying to a colleague something along the lines of, “Take it easy on him. I think he had a mental breakdown.”
He was right. I tried to pretend like I didn’t notice, but he was right.
The only bright side to these breakdowns was that after each one, I became a little bit stronger. I gained more self-control. I became accustomed to the situations that caused them.
After a while, they stopped happening. It was still a pain to talk sometimes, but nothing serious. After too much socializing I felt the need to be alone, but even that started to fade away.
The awkward feeling in my gut and the excessive self-consciousness popped up less and less often.
I still couldn’t find anything to say, but it wasn’t because of feeling awkward. It was simply due to my lack of experience in the art of chitchatting.
These days the negative feelings related to socializing are pretty much gone, and whenever they resurface I just brush them aside.
I can’t say I’m an expert conversationalist. I’m a long way from that but I can say whatever I want, whenever I want.
I can laugh out loud for the whole world to hear. I can speak my mind in the middle of a bus full of people and watch them stare at me. I can look someone straight in the eyes. I can instruct a class of kids in the art of Kyokushin Karate.
And these days, even though I need my alone time, I also need my social time. If a couple days go by without talking to people, I lose focus and energy. I feel the need for connection.
I changed because:
- I wanted to change.
- I changed my environment. (I joined a group which encouraged me to be outgoing.)
- I took the time.
I used to be so shy that my head would literally shake like a leaf when trying to speak to strangers. I had to take a thinking pose so I could support my head with one of my hands and make it less obvious.
It’s been months since I last had to take a thinking pose (though these days I just do it out of habit).
The personalities we form in our childhoods have a lot to do with the environment we grow up in.
We end up shy or outgoing, strong or weak, a leader or a follower. This is not who we are. This is what our environment shaped us into.
But that can be changed.
You can choose who you want to be and then grow into that person.
Decide right now who you want to be in five years. Then grab a piece of paper and write it down in as much detail as possible.
What traits do you want “future you” to have? Write it down.
How will future you make a living? Write it down.
What contribution will you bring to the world? Write it down.
Once finished, grab one more piece of paper and write your future self’s first trait on top of it.
Bellow, write down twenty ideas on how to get there. Do the same thing with all the other traits.
After a while, you might notice you’ve written the same idea for multiple traits. These are the ideas you want to act on. Choose the easiest (or hardest) and do it now.
Socrates once said, “In order to reach mount Olympus make sure that every step you make is leading you in that direction.”
Each idea you come up with and act upon will bring you one step closer to your goal, and eventually, you will reach it.
Take a few minutes to do the exercise above and make your first step, for it is up to you to choose your path.
It is up to you to move your feet—so get moving!
Photo by Danny Fowler

About Colisnicencu Daniel
Colisnicencu Daniel is a teacher, karate-ka, aspiring writer and entrepreneur. Four years ago, he discovered personal development and vowed to change his life. How many adults have actually grown up and how many of us are overgrown babies? Learn how "big" you actually are at his website: www.growupproper.com.
Great article Daniel, Thanks for sharing! Although not to the same extreme levels as you, I do sometimes have a hard time socializing myself and like you, have gotten better at it over the years. So it was nice to read that you have overcome your fears.
Thanks so much for sharing your story! I too am a karate-ka (Goju Ryu) and it has really changed my life. I am inspired reading your story. I’ve always felt quite comfortable with the big ideas and dreams, but have never been confident about how to get there – Karate has helped me to understand that consistent, regular, action, is the answer, provided that you know where you’re going and understand what the actions need to be to get there.
Daniel,
I loved the posts introduction, really capturing and strong. I’ve bookmarked to get back to the exercise at some point tomorrow, as I’ve already done my worth of writing today 🙂
I’ve been meaning to do this for a long time, a little too long to be fair – so I’m happy I was guided to this post 🙂
Thanks for sharing. It reminds me how much I have also grown but also how impatient I have been in understanding a important person in my life. Your words helped me remember my interactions in a different perspective. I will learn from this and move forward. I am willing to grow up. Thanks for the exercises,
It’s never too late to start; but the faster you start something, the better. Thanks for dropping by 🙂
I practiced Shorin-ryu karate for about 8 years. I also met a guy at work who taught me some Romanian, and one of the things that stuck out the most was when he told me the saying, “Rău cu rău, dar mai rău fără rău” – “bad with bad, but worse without bad.”
I’ve also struggled a lot with social anxiety and have had a nervous breakdown. I’m still trying to overcome my social anxiety. Just happened to check here today…maybe I was meant to read this.
It’s gotten better but I realize now that it isn’t just spending time with people; what makes me the most anxious is connecting and feeling safe enough to tell people how I really feel.
Thanks for sharing. This gives me hope. What I’ve wanted more than anything my whole life is to feel like I belong in the world and am connected to other people. It makes me feel good to believe that this is possible.
I love reading stories that show us that change IS possible! We so often hear that “people never change” or we struggle to make changes in our own lives…so anytime I hear a success story I get excited and I feel appreciative that you shared it!
Thank you. I’m going through the opening up process right now.
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve struggled with social anxiety for a few years now, ever since I pulled myself out of homelessness. I have tried so many times, in so many ways, to push myself out of my uncomfortable self when I get nervous in group situations, using my military mindset that I can learn to adapt to it by submerging myself in what I’m not comfortable with. Effectively throwing myself into the pool to learn how to swim. I am all too familiar with the panic felt when your cool demeanor melts away and get left with the feeling that those around you see you as an agitated bag of crazy, seemingly for no reason. It gives me hope to hear that others have dealt with what I go through, that I’m not some lone lunie who has to figure this out by himself. I know I’m capable of being more than uncomfortable around others, I guess knowing that I’m not the only one is a good place to start.
This is wonderful – seems like something that could really help adults with AD/HD and/or Austism Spectrum Disorders (like Asperger’s), too. Have you thought about marketing any of your writing/teachings to that group?
Thanks for sharing , anyone with social anxiety may like to google Selective Mutism to read up on it . Sounds like you are in that spectrum .
I’ve actually never heard of this saying before (but I will remember it).
You do not need to connect with people as much as you need to become immune to them. If you become very nervous around something you must expose yourself to that something in order to get over it.
Imagine jumping into a pool from a high place. The first time ever you try something like this it’s extremely scary. The second time…It’s still scary.
But after 5 or 6 tries it gets a little better.
After a while you might get separated from the pool for whatever reason (maybe winter comes).
But when you return, despite still being scared, you will remember jumping before and it will be just a little bit easier to open up to the pool.
The more this process repeats itself the better you will do (it took me about 3 years to feel at ease with jumping into the pool).
People are your pool. The more you jump right in the middle of them, the easier it will be.
If you want to get over your shyness as fast as possible I suggest you surround yourself with strangers as often as you can and for as many hours at a time as you can.
But take it as an experiment. Don’t expect to make any connections while doing this, don’t even try. If you are like me, the more you try to relax the more stiff you will become; the more you try to connect the more needy and awkward you will seem.
Instead, do whatever you feel like doing. Say whatever comes to mind.
Focus on the other person. Stay positive.
And most importantly: do not allow yourself to think about how you feel! It is a bottomless pit which will drain you.
Do not allow yourself to think of yourself in social interactions. Do not focus on yourself. Do not use the words “me” and “I” in your thought patterns.
You must learn to read the flow/vibe of the group and go with it. You cannot do so if you are stuck in “me” land.
There are plenty of people out there who will love you for who you are.
But you must be able to relax sufficiently around them in order to show them who you are.
Of course, if you’ve already gotten over your shyness and just want to connect the previous response does not apply to you. Just remember that connecting and socializing in general is about “us” not “I”.
You do not need to tell others how you feel as much as you need to let them tell you how they feel.
Listen, understand, then talk. Once you’ve read the flow you’ll be able to tell where and when you can let out how you feel.
But remember: most people are mostly interested in how they feel. Few know how to listen and understand. And these few have no problems connecting.
I could do that, but I’m not quite sure where to start. Any suggestions?
You’d be surprised of how many share our troubles. Speaking of pools, you might want to read my response to Matthew’s comment. It might help.
People change every second of their lives. Nothing ever stays the same.
The question is: in what direction are we changing? Is it for the better or worse?
Thanks for dropping by. Glad you liked it.
thanks for sharing this story it is very inspiring