“Good relationships don’t just happen. They take time, patience, and two people who truly want to be together.” ~Unknown
Things changed. You can’t put your finger on it, but you know it’s true. You wish you could make it better. You want to fix it.
The problem is that you don’t know how.
Maybe it’s already too late, and the relationship ended despite all your efforts.
In the barrage of cliché advice and consolation you get from friends, relatives, and “experts,” the answer is as elusive as ever. It’s not helpful when people tell you that it just wasn’t meant to be, time heals all wounds, or that sometimes couples grow apart.
So what is the trick? What is the secret to having a happy, long-lasting relationship?
I recently spoke on the phone with a friend who lives in a different city. We hadn’t spoken in a long time, and it was good to catch up on things. Among all the things we discussed like careers, vacations, and other fun stuff, we ended up on the topic of relationships.
After discussing my current relationship status and how things were going, she talked about her situation. She’d been dating the same guy for around three years, and clearly was having questions about whether or not she should stay in the relationship.
She said he was a nice guy and they had a good thing going, but something just wasn’t there anymore.
This is something that isn’t all that uncommon. We see it frequently in life, where two people get together, are happy, they get comfortable, and then drift apart. It’s a sad part of our reality, but it is one that many people have been through.
While I listened to my friend talk about her situation, I remembered having been through some of the same stuff in my own life. Then, she suddenly stopped and bluntly asked me, “What is the secret recipe for a long-lasting relationship?”
The question caught me a little off guard, but after a few seconds of careful and hurried consideration, I came up with an answer that I feel is absolutely true. It is something that I’ve heard advice-givers pass to others. However, I believe the key to it working is effort on the parts of both people.
The Secret Recipe
It isn’t really that complicated, but it is difficult for people to implement. Each person in the relationship needs to focus on the things that brought them together. That’s it. Seriously.
I know what you’re thinking. That is too simple. Or maybe you already tried that. Did you?
I mean, did you really put a ton of effort into getting back to the things that brought the two of you together?
When you first started dating the person, you were attracted to them on at least a few levels. While the physical thing changes over time, and sometimes people think that the grass is greener on the other side, the core of most relationship issues is not physical.
In my experience, the real problem is with the connection that has been lost between the two people.
It is that connection that must be re-established.
Ask yourself why you started seeing the other person in the beginning. Did you have fun together? If so, what kinds of things did you do? What changed? Why did they change?
These kinds of questions can stimulate an avalanche of excuses from people. Some will say that they grew apart. Others try to claim that when they had kids, everything changed. Still more will say that they aren’t who they were when the relationship began.
That last one is tough. As humans, we are constantly changing, growing, evolving physically and with our characters. However, it is still possible to repair the damage, and it all begins with tracing your steps back to the things that brought the two of you together.
What created the connection between you? Dig deep into those things together, and take the time to revisit those experiences, ideas, and moments.
This was the answer I gave my friend on the phone. I told her that it is crucial to reconnect to the things that brought you together, and by doing that, you can renew the excitement, passion, and friendship that were established early on.
Put Into Action
It’s all well and good to talk about the theory of stuff, but does it really work? I never recommend anything to people if I haven’t either tried it myself, or seen it work on someone else. In this case, I actually put the idea to use in my own relationship.
When my girlfriend and I initially got together, we had plenty of deep, stimulating conversations. We read books together on the porch and spent a lot of time just talking or hanging out.
After a while, though, we became very comfortable with each other. We slipped into a mode much like many couples do, where we methodically ask how each other’s day was and then turn on the television to watch our favorite shows.
Somehow, we had found ourselves in the same situation many other people get into when they’ve been together for a prolonged period of time.
I could tell that she wasn’t as happy as she used to be, and I had to admit that I wasn’t feeling the same excitement about the relationship as I had when we got together. Instead of ending it and going our separate ways, I decided to get back to what brought us together in the first place.
I noticed that she reads a lot on her iPhone, and began asking her to share the articles she was reading with me by sending a link. Since she is constantly reading on her breaks at work or on the porch at home, this gave me a way to reconnect with what she was interested in.
Now, we are back on the same page. I read the things she’s interested in (not all the time but quite a bit) and we can have engaging conversations about those topics when we get home. Our day has gone away from the ordinary “how was your day, honey” conversations to something more meaningful.
And as we all know, communication is one of the most important things to have in a relationship.
I’ve talked to several people who are much older than I about this. Some of them have been married for forty years or more. The happiest ones always say the same thing.
They say to treat the relationship like it was new each and every day, and concentrate on the things that brought them together in the first place.
What’s your story? Have you been through something like this? What did you do? How did it turn out?
Photo by Scarlett White
About Ernest Dempsey
Ernest Dempsey is a Counselor and fiction author from Chattanooga, Tennessee. You can check out his books or his powerful blog posts at ernestdempsey.net or follow him on Twitter @ErnDempsey.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
This has some great insight…. Thanks so much for sharing in advice that worked for you and your relationship. Getting back to the beginning is really important and makes perfect sense. Would you say the same secret to making it work is true if a great amount of damage has been done to the foundation of a relationship? Years of damage? Unhealthy ways of relating? I found your article enlightening and at the same time wonder how to retrace to the beginning if it is so buried?? Does it become about forgiveness…?
Yes! Forgiveness is a choice. Is the “damage” really that untenable? We are all flawed creatures. Forgiveness is a choice. However, as Ernest said “I believe the key to it working is effort on the parts of both people.” You BOTH have to choose to forgive yourselves/each other and focus instead on the things that drew you together. Continuing to dig-up the decaying “dead horses” of your past pain isn’t an option. Forgiveness is a choice.
Great article!
My story: the moment of truth
I was in a relationship that lasted approximately 7 years, counting the break ups. Last year’s break up gave me the time to reflect on the problems and situations I had in our past, I made the choice to follow my heart once again, I left what was hometown for me, work, and friends, and moved to where whom I loved lived, that for me was giving up all for my happiness.
Once there I knew what I had gotten myself into, nothing else matter to me because I was with the one I loved, the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I applied the theory of what got us together from the beginning, I wanted to slowly build that passion we both had for each other, everything was great for a month until he made a mistake, his mouth was literally full of rage and said things he shouldn’t have, he brought a past that no longer existed in me, a past I buried. I lost trust, lost the little communication and respect I had for him. I confronted him a few days later, if I wouldn’t have caught him in a lie, I don’t know how things would have gone, but since then things for me were no longer the same, I don’t know I he ever noticed, trust was no longer there. Despite of all, I continue to move on with us hoping and with the little faith I ha in us, I continue to follow my heart. Along the way we had issues, and the problem was that we didn’t communicated, I tried to express to him how important it was for us to have that, he showed no importance. My happiness slowly deteriorated as the lack of the basic fundamentals of the relationship vanished, I felt like the withered rose in the garden, but even though I saw how it was getting worse, the little I had, I tried to make work, but overall my effort went unseen, and had no more energy, I was no longer happy, the rose died, it died happy knowing she tried to be happy, and cherished the huge accomplishments of the effort.
That last week, before departure my heart said, “don’t leave me hear by myself, take me with you!” If I wouldn’t have seen what I saw, another lie, I cut the life support from my beating heart.
And I thought I was going to be happy, it was, I don’t know how to describe all, but when both individual aren’t no longer on the same page, and one has all tools and wants something and goes for it, but the other doesn’t, things just don’t turn out how we think they will, and sad but my heart died happy, knowing it put more than 100% effort to be happy.
It’s been a month of my separation, I mourn every now and then, but the change has giving me the opportunity to maybe not rebuilt myself, but to invent a new heart, being close to family has been a blessing, an I couldn’t be more grateful for the decision I made, it has been the best decision ever. I believe time, and the feeling optimistic well get me through all of this.
Sometime pursuing happiness in a relationship could be consuming, and effort from both parts it’s worth it, but in my case, unfortunately took a different turn. Be happy for you, and you’ll see how that happiness will reflect in your relationship, flourish it, cherish it, because you never know when would be your last happy moment.
I am a 62 year old widow. Three years ago I reconnected with a former lover who is now a truck driver. Many hours of online chatting both 12 years ago and in the last three years gives us both great pleasure. We cherish the time we get to physically see one another, but we are in touch every day, arguing politics (I’m a relatively conservative liberal, he supports Tea Party efforts!), discussing our children, sharing articles on a variety of subjects. Our friendship is precious to us both.
I could not disagree more with the suggestion in this article. As soon as both start focusing on what brought them guys together, they will focus on the past and again soon be bored again. Thats like refurbishing the paint on an old car. To keep a relationship growing, both have to create new goals/visions and achieve them together.
Great question. It really does become much more complicated in cases like that. Typically, if there has been severe damage done, there absolutely has to be a huge element of forgiveness. But like ama said in their comment, there must be growth. Often, I find growth to be linking to the things that sparked interest in the other person to begin with. Great comment, Steph.
Good thought, ama. I agree with your assessment but feel like it can line up with what I’m saying. Sometimes, old cars are the best ones. Exhibit A: 1969 Camaro. It’s one of my favorites and always will be. I do think the relationship has to grow, but sometimes getting back to what brought it together can help that. Seems to work for me and the people I’ve worked with. There will always be exceptions, though. 🙂
I love this. Thanks for sharing a piece of your life with us. 🙂
Awesome post. I appreciate you sharing this deep piece of your experience with everyone. 🙂
This is an interesting suggestion and I can pinpoint exactly the things my husband and I used to do when we first met that we enjoyed together – we cannot do any of those things now we have two pre-schoolers to care for. We have no couple time at all let alone time to focus on certain things. If this is truly the secret then it is a wonder any relationship survives having kids!
I completely agree with your suggestion! I see some disagreements in the comments, but I feel like people aren’t getting that nobody said reconnecting would be easy. Having a healthy, happy relationship that lasts takes a lot of time and effort. Yes, you might be exhausted after a grueling day at work or from running around with little children, but if you want to have a happy household then you always have to put time into rekindling your love. This is not a one time thing and then it’s done – no, it takes everyday effort. My boyfriend works 65 hour weeks all-day in the hot Florida sun, but he still CHOOSES to not make our relationship defined by how exhausted he is. For anyone to say it’s not possible to follow this post’s suggestion is just them giving up.
Good point. Children change a lot of things. However, allow me to suggest that the foundation of the relationship is also important. What was it founded on? The foundation I have with my girlfriend began with frequent discussions about the relationship between theoretical physics and spirituality. We can both still have those discussions.
If your relationship was founded in a shared love of base jumping, that is something that will eventually go away.
So if the relationship is based on something that could be a flash in the pan or a temporary activity, the depth of it could easily be threatened.
I would have to ask what activities founded your relationship before I could answer further. Make sense?
You got it exactly, Caylee. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. 🙂
i love your blog, its says alot about focusing on the part of the truest form of love. its called innocence. from past experience, it gets comfortable and i stop taking care of myself and vice versa. something about taking care of yourself attracts your mate back vs not taking care of oneself leads to guilty pleasures within your mind. if you cant take care of oneself then how can you possibly love n care for each other.
I feel like my efforts go unnoticed since we don’t talk like we did when we first got together and eventually married, and that I believe that a relationship takes 2 people since it took 2 to come together. I was just wondering when addictions, OCD, hoarding problems are part of the problem? Should you opt for separation/divorce? Thanks for your article.
Of course. We used to spend time snorkelling, having long lazy brunches, and travelling. There isn’t anyone to look after our kids whilst we do these things now, they are too small to accompany us and we cannot afford to travel with them everywhere.
Forgiveness is definitely a choice, but it has to be genuinely felt, and that is often much harder to be honest with yourself about. I’d also say that forgiveness doesn’t mean that you should stay together or get back together. Forgiveness is about the person forgiving than the person ‘receiving’ it.
i agree that communication plays a vital part in ones relationship..i like you blog..,maybe with your permission i could share some of your points in my blog as well.
Great article. Enjoyed the point of view.