“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” ~Brené Brown
I thought I was supposed to have a shiny job, the kind that makes people envious at cocktail parties.
We had moved with my husband’s job again. I think it was move number six out of nine and we were over at a friend’s house. There were people I didn’t know there, and I could feel myself avoiding them in case they asked “the question.”
The question was “So,” (pause to look at drink), “what do you do?” My brain used to do flips when people asked this. I thought it translated into something like “Is speaking to you of any value, or are you nothing very important?”
I spent the party around the edges of the room, feeling shy and apologetic that I didn’t have a job, a title, a label.
I was paying a penance for my new status, which seemed to be “wife of my husband” rather than a person in my own right. I was worried that they would judge me for my lack of label and think the highlights of my day were a spot of light dusting and some mindless daytime T.V.
“I am a teacher in a prep school” was a totally respectable, “yes, I have a pay packet and meetings on my online calendar” answer. Then the other person would usually exchange their respectable answer.
I cried in the car on my way home from the party. The pressure of having no label made me feel that all the others were bottles of fine wine (like champagne) and I was a bargain basement vino with a lot of sediment.
I could see that we wouldn’t really learn very much about each other. So I am now wondering what questions I could ask to, you know, actually get to know someone.
Here goes:
What is most fun in the world for you?
What song sings your tune?
Oh no, they’re already sounding like chat-up lines, aren’t they? Do we only let people really know who we are in casual flirtatious situations? Is there no place for this in the everyday?
I need to try again to suggest a way around this so you don’t get to the end of this post thinking, “Oh no, Tiny Buddha is not about cheesy chat-up lines; it’s about eternal truth. What’s up with this writer?”
Right, new way of getting to know people, part two, or getting to know people 2.0. Okay. So we’re at a party and I have never met you, and that’s a shame, because you read Tiny Buddha and we could talk about all sorts of Tiny Buddha stuff.
I’m brave. I am not hiding in the corner. I am ready to meet you (best unfreaky smile). Hi, I’m Deborah. I don’t think we have met before. (Oh no, the smile was freaky after all!)
Then we start a revolution of introduction. The new rule is: (please pass this on so everyone gets to know the rule) you say a list of things you love and that you are crazy excited about, and you let that beautiful, joyous, unapologetic list circle around your essence.
Yes, you are right, it still won’t fully express your utter fabulousness, but it is a better start than “I am a prep school teacher/lion tamer/accountant.”
So do your bit, share the revolution of introduction. Then you get to be what you love rather than what your HR manager/business title says you are—and you get to meet people who are a whole lot more interesting.
Happy and free image via Shutterstock
About Deborah Chalk
Deborah Chalk loves coaching writers, women who support their families and partner's careers and multi-passionate women. She is a Martha Beck Certified Life Coach. She lives in Hamburg, Germany with her lovely family where she reads too many self-help books, does ballet and listens to her flat-coated retriever singing when she play piano. You can find her at www.deborahchalk.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
The only thing we have to remember is that we are worthy. We have to give ourselves our own unique value system. We should never let anyone define our true worth. We are priceless.
The perception we have of ourselves is greater than the perception other people have of us.
I dreaded that question when I was in that very position of being stay-at-home mom and a writer without enough publications to feel justified in calling myself one. I wish I had had the presence of mind back then to answer proudly rather than shrinking back and mumbling. Because of that experience, I never ask anyone “What do you do?” I don’t even ask “What keeps you busy?” which is better but often feels like just a more polite way to ask the same question. I keep the conversation to what’s going on around us, and if it naturally evolves into what we “do,” so be it.
This was a great article. I feel the exact same when people ask me this question, as my husband and I recently moved for his job too. I am a musician but I feel people look down on that because it isn’t a “real job”. So, this gave me a lot of insight as to how to move forward from a label. 🙂
Kari, what if it was up to you to decide whether being a musician was a real job? It took me a while to commit to being a life coach as I thought people would think it wasn’t a ‘real job’. Now I am doing what I love and the people who love my work value it as a real job and the people that don’t…. well that’s up to them.
Barbara, you had publications? You are a writer.
Great article:) I have recently went through such a phase in my life of identifying myself with a label and to see myself overcome that was something I feel proud of. I think how we perceive and love ourselves is more important than the label anyone in this world would put on ourselves. Cheers and to more articles ahead!
Writing regularly on a blog makes you a writer or a blogger, doesn’t it? You can choose which ever sounds better to you.
Such a great article! So funny how we default to the labels/ titles and lose ourselves in them.
Thank you, I love your perspective. I also really love finding a great new author, walking in fresh snow, finding a great new recipe and taking an hour to myself to listen to a podcast. Tidy Buddha is the best and always seems to hit the right spot at the right time.
Thank you for this post! It turns out I am not the only one who hates the question “So what do you do?” ‘I don’t do anything, I don’t work’, I’d answer feeling very apologetic. ‘Oh, so, you are a leisurely lady, aren’t you?’ – a response from a woman to whom I had just been introduced at a baseball game.
-How then do you survive?
-My boyfreind helps me.
-oh, Lucky you!
The baseball game is ruined for me, my eyes are getting watery, I need to go home and hide from the whole world.
Another kind woman thought it was important to tell me after having talked to me for 30 seconds that I need to do something, ” You have to have a dream, you know”. I started hating her from that moment on. “How can she give me advice? she doesn’t know me, she doesn’t know why I don’t work now, she doesn’t know what my dreams are!”
Sometimes, I really want to answer, You know, I am a stripper! and see how the righteous shock and judgement takes over the respect they would have had, had I been a doctor.
I found out, though, from this whole experience of not working, who my real friends were. Unfortunately, I needed to stop my friendship with a woman who would boast about her independency to underscore my dependency. But I haven’t found peace yet. I am still dreading the question. I still feel resentment towards the people who unknowingly touch my proud nerve by asking this unimportant question.
I love this post, it actually made me laugh =) One of the things I struggle with lately is how to answer the “what do you do” question when I meet people. Up until two years ago I held a consumer marketing job and it was really easy to say “advertising” or “marketing”
Then I quit and became one of those hyphenates: blogger, author, healer and “explorer” which is great, but it was so much easier to put a simple label on myself. I’m still in the rediscovery phase and maybe the lesson is that I don’t have to define myself =)
Thank You for that =)
I agree, it all begins with value of self and only when we value what we do and claim it as our own, do we open the door of the world seeing the true beauty and worth of that.
You are so welcome Regina. Being a ‘not just one thing’ person is going to become more and more the cultural norm. Some people will always want to be a one job through life person, and if that suits them, then fantastic, but there are more options for life now.
I know exactly where you are because I’ve been there. You are worth so much more than any label. Where you are at the moment is part of the journey you are on and hugely valuable because of that.
You are right Theo. I think that whenever we do something we are proud of something the old ego thing can make it matter. Hey, I’ve got a new label, look at me! Does that make me a better person? Nope.
Thanks Sahfahri. That means a lot. For other readers, what would you say helped you overcome your attachment to labels?
If you write, you are a writer. If you quilt, you are a quilter. If you ride a bike, you are a cyclist. If you do anything with passion, that’s what and who you are. Who cares what the other person thinks? Tell them how much you love what you do, and see how many people can say the same!
I never realised how much my identity was caught up with my rather glamorous career until I gave it up to have kids. I used to dread people asking me what I did and would revert to talking about what I used to do.
Thanks for the great alternatives to what we can talk about when we meet someone new that isn’t restricted to what we do for a living.
Thank you, Deborah! I appreciate the affirmation!
Love it, SW! You are totally right.
I wonder if the importance of the answer to “what do you do” is heightened in the U.S. I get the feeling that in this country we put more emphasis on work and achievement and your job being “who you are” than in many other countries.
One way I’ve answered the “what do you do” question is to say “My day job is ___, but my passion is ___.”
wonderful
Beautifully put, SW.
Yes, let’s get back to really get to know each other and talk about our dreams and what ignites us and our ‘favorite things’. And if what you do is what you love, then that is heaven. 🙂 Thxs Deborah!
Great article and love the introduction revolution! After living in several countries, I’ve also found (like Barbara who also commented here) that this is heightened in the US (East Coast at least!) where small talk introductions tend to revolve around what we do and where we went to school. I’ve found that elsewhere it’s easier to have more varied conversations upon introduction and to define ourselves less narrowly. This is a generalisation and there are obviously many exceptions, but just something I observed. Would be interested to hear if you found the same after living in different places?
I hate talking about work outside of work –unless someone is offering me a better position. I always feel like conversations about work are always a comparison contest –who makes more, who has better hours, who works harder, who’s been where longer, who has a better title – etc. Conversations about work tend to be dead end unless you’re like a pop star or a politician. We all work, we all get paid. But what else? The things that we do outside of work tend to be the most interesting and fulfilling parts of our lives.
Completely agree. Why are we so used to be defined and define others by the work they do?
Hey Deborah, it will definitely have to be this one occasion I told myself to be proud of what I do and the things I offer as an entrepreneur. I joined a networking group who are able and inspiring business people who believe in the value of their worth. That was one of the ways I chose to break free of being incapable of doing the things we love to do.
I’m thinking that it is possible that depending on who you are talking to, conversations might also be at an end if you say you are a pop-star or a politician. I don’t think labels help anyone. When you describe someone as a pop-star a certain picture of what sort of person they are might spring to mind, and it might be totally wrong.
I hope Sonique, that more and more people can find work that is one of the most interesting and fulfilling parts of their lives rather than the passion for life needing to be a side activity.
You are so right that discussions about work end up as a comparison contest and that is one of the reasons I don’t think the way people introduce themselves now is helpful.
I wonder what it would be like to live in a society where everyone is respected for what they bring to the table / for how they contribute.
Thanks Theresa. I totally agree that the ideal is to be doing something that you love and really believe that is worth going for. The first step is to believe that the two can meet. Work meet love, love meet work – romantic comedy script between the two, THE END, credits.
I think this is a really good step Barbara. Certainly helping the cause!