“Comparison is the thief of joy.” ~Theodore Roosevelt
I spent my teenage years and early twenties believing that my weight was my worth; that I had to look and be a particular way to be accepted or loved.
I lived in a negative cycle of comparing myself to everyone. I remember sitting in on one of my lectures in university, trying to work out if my lecturer was fatter or thinner than me.
I look back now and wonder how many times I missed the fun and parties I was too scared to go to because I felt too fat or uncool or whatever negative feeling I was dwelling on at the time.
When I was twenty-seven, my boyfriend of three years dumped me, on the day I found out I was pregnant. Worse still, or so it felt at the time, just a few months later he had a new girlfriend, a beautiful girl, who was also a single mother.
I think the day I saw them together was the day I hit rock bottom. I cried so much and lost fourteen pounds in five days. I felt absolutely shattered and utterly worthless.
Why wasn’t I good enough?
How could he not want his own baby yet love another man’s child?
Was I too ugly?
Was I too fat?
Why wasn’t I lovable?
Destructive thoughts whizzed around my head in a very unhealthy manor.
I lost my baby, which also made me feel worthless.
His new girlfriend had everything I thought I wanted. She had the perfect body, she was absolutely gorgeous, she also had a baby, and the man I loved, loved her.
I had to learn to love myself. It wasn’t easy to start, but the first step was to stop comparing myself unfavorably to everyone, especially her.
It was destroying me.
With everything that happens to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat it as a gift.
I wallowed in self-pity, regret, and depression for eighteen months. One day I stumbled upon Dr. Wayne Dyer’s Your Erroneous Zone. It was the book that woke me up and made me realize only I could change the way I was seeing myself and my past.
The past was gone, done, over. I couldn’t change it, no matter how much it hurt. I had to accept what was, and most importantly, I had to learn to see myself in a different light.
Here’s I how I did it.
At first I kept a list of everything nice anyone said to me.
I started a gratitude journal.
I went back to basics—appreciation, picking love over fear.
I learned that just because he didn’t love me, that didn’t mean that I’m unlovable.
Slowly but surely, I began to see my value.
I realized I was a worthwhile human being after all.
As a nutritionist, I help clients change their health every day, so whenever I felt truly helpless, I would find some who needed my help and offer it for free. Was it good business? Some would say no, but for me, it was therapy.
Kindness therapy, you get what you give. I was giving love, and in return I found myself. If you ever feel helpless, reach out and help someone. Smile at a stranger. It maybe the only person they see smile at them all day. You never know the ripple effect of the kindness you spread.
I wrote articles on nutrition for magazines. At first, I think this was to give me validation. Seeing my name printed in a magazine must mean I’m a worthwhile human being, right?
But the letters of gratitude I received made me realize that I knew things that could help people. One lady wrote to me saying her daughter’s behavior had improved dramatically after she implemented the changes I had suggested.
These small things helped me realize that while I may not look like a Victoria’s Secret model, like my ex’s new girlfriend, I am still a worthwhile human being who has the ability to help people.
I also started to see that even those who appear to “have it all” to the outside world often still have their own issues going on. I realized that having looks like a Victoria’s Secret model doesn’t protect you from heartbreak or sadness, a fact I had ignored until now.
Cheryl Cole is one of the most beautiful women in show business, yet her husband cheated on her.
We have to love ourselves. Comparison and envy are destructive forces that steal away contentment and block the flow of love. We don’t have to prove we are good enough to anyone; we just have to realize we were born worthy of love, and we’re lovable exactly as we are.
I’ve learned that there will always be people who are more and less attractive than me. However, beauty is subjective, and we all have different taste.
I believe beauty is a characteristic of a person. Beauty comes from a person’s soul. Beauty is in a person’s actions, how they treat people, how they care about people, and who they are as a person.
So don’t live a half-life comparing yourself to others. Comparison in any form is destructive. Downward comparisons can make you vain and upward comparisons can make you bitter.
We all deserve to be loved by others and to love others, but first we need to love ourselves.
Love yourself just as you are. You, as much as anyone else in the world, deserve your own love.
Woman hugging herself image via Shutterstock
About Kirsten Davies
Kirsten Davies is a nutritionist and founder of The Food Remedy. She combines her nutritional knowledge with neuro-linguistic programming, helping clients understand the link between the food they eat and the thoughts they think. Real, whole food is her mantra, which, teamed with her burning passion to help others see their own light, makes her compellingly magnetic.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
This is a great post Kirsten and a good reminder for us all. And I agree a gratitude journal can be really helpful when you’re trying to as you say, ‘choose love over fear’. And it’s so true that *everyone* has their own issues, and they’re often not apparent on the outside.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Hi Kirsten
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I imagine that was a very painful time for you. It seems like you were able to overcome and go on to do amazing things. Like you said, we can choose how to view the challenging circumstances that present themselves to us–if we are up for the challenge, they can be great catalysts for change.
Comparing ourselves is certainly not a new human tendency but in the age of Facebook, Instagram and the like, it has certainly gone into overdrive. On an intellectual level, we KNOW not to compare and make assumptions about people’s lives based on the snippets of experience to which we are privy, but how we FEEL is usually very different. This constant exposure to everyone’s ‘highlight reel’ can be quite detrimental.
The envy we may feel for other’s lives can be a great springboard for examining our own and seeing where we can do things differently to bring more wanted experiences into our lives. The problem is, most of us don’t do that. We just feel badly and do nothing.
I am a huge advocate of focusing on gratitude–this is not a natural focus for many of us–it is very easy to focus on what we don’t like in our lives and take the good for granted. If we can just practice doing this each day, sincere gratitude can be cultivated and become the ‘norm’ instead of something we have to consciously muster up.
Thanks for sharing your story..I really enjoyed your post.
thank you so much for your kind words. x x x
Hi Kelli thank you for taking the time to reply, your kind words mean alot. x x x
Beautiful message, thank you for sharing your wisdom! This is inspiring! 🙂 I love how you said, “..beauty
is a characteristic of a person. Beauty comes from a person’s soul.
Beauty is in a person’s actions, how they treat people, how they care
about people, and who they are as a person.”
I have seen people become toxic and bitter toward others b/c of constantly comparing themselves to other women and feeling as though they “came up short.” This feeling made them toxic and caused them to treat others very badly, from what I’ve seen. If you can’t love yourself, you can’t love anyone else, either. Not loving yourself is one thing…but when you become toxic and bitter toward others, you’re harmful to others, and need to look inward. Thanks for writing this.
“I believe beauty is a characteristic of a person. Beauty comes from a person’s soul.
Beauty is in a person’s actions, how they treat people, how they care about people, and who they are as a person.” Love these words. It is the truth. I am glad you have overcome the challenges in your life and have become an even more amazing person. Now you are reaching out to others who may struggle with the same things. Take care <3
This is an mazing article and i think it’s great to know other people struggle with this too! Keep sharing the kindness and spreading the word of self love! 🙂 Peace and love to you for being so brave in sharing your story!
thank you so much, im so touched you took the time to send a message and that the words i wrote resonated with you xxx
thank you for taking the time to reply, im glad you enjoyed it, i think i was pretty toxic for a while too, but try to go easily on these people I think anger can be a misspent plea for love. We should try not to judge others as we never really know what is going on in other peoples lives but focus on empathizing with what caused the pain and the sadness they feel which makes them feel inadequate. xxx
This article made me cry. Thank you for being so true, raw, vulnerable and honest. Thank you for talking about your past and hardships and most importantly, sharing your wisdom that comparing only hurts. It’s a good reminder to stop and make peace with ourselves. Thank you so much!
This is so good! It’s just what I need to read, because I find myself constantly comparing myself to others.
When I feel I’m ‘ahead’ I’m happy, but when I feel I’m ‘behind’ I’m miserable. I know its all subjective and at the end of the day it shouldn’t matter what others have or are experiencing but there’s this little nagging voice at the back of my head saying ‘if you don’t compare yourself to others then you don’t know what you should be striving for to make your life better’.
Again, it seems a little neurotic, but at the same time I look back at the past where I have been dissatisfied with my situation in relation to others and used that as motivation to improve my situation, and in the end being very glad that I did so. How do I know that this is a constructive comparison that I can use to better myself and my situation, or an unproductive comparison that is always going to leave me dissatisfied and unhappy?
Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you thank you.
You have really spoken to me with this, and I can identify hugely.
I was left by my partner of 9 years at the beginning of this year. I am still grieving, for the relationship I thought I had, for him, and for the person I thought I was. Out of it, it is harder than ever not to compare myself to others – and asking why everyone else my age is married/settled/happy. And having so much self-doubt…”was it my fault?” “could I have prevented it?”, “if I was better (thinner/mentally healthy/happier/richer/etc.) would he have stayed?”.
Of course all of this is pretty soul destroying. It’s easier to dictate “don’t compare yourself to others” than to actually do. I’m finding that the little step to that big goal, is simply putting all the love and time that I would be putting into that relationship, into me instead.
Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone.
thank you so much, i was worried it was too honest but the response ive had has been mind blowing. x x x
awww what a lovely message thank you so much for your kind words xxx
Im so pleased that you liked it, thank you so much for your kind words. I am so sorry about the end of your relationship, i agree it can be such a sad time but remember with ever break down comes a break through not so helpful at the time your going through the pain but one day you will look back and see how you have evolved.
For me the one thing i have had to learn is that rejection isnt as personal as we take it,we are perfect as we are. I remember the day I left hospital I vividly thought I would never smile again but low and behold not only have a smiled but ive laught and be so unbelievably happy too. You will love again, but for now give yourself the biggest dose of self love ever. x x x
thank you so so much for taking the time to write that it really has touched my heart x x x
Im so pleased you enjoyed it and found it helpful.
For me I think I now try and work out what I want and where I want to be and I try and make that the focus on things. I try and motivate myself with positive things not negatives things and focus on not comparing myself either favorably or unfavorably. x x x
“I believe beauty is a characteristic of a person. Beauty comes from a person’s soul.
Beauty is in a person’s actions, how they treat people, how they care
about people, and who they are as a person. So don’t live a half-life comparing yourself to others. Comparison of any form is destructive. Downward comparisons can make you vain and upward comparisons can make you bitter.” Well said…thank you for sharing your story! 🙂
I’m so inspired by your story! I’m always comparing myself to others.. and judging myself.. I feel as if I search for validation, yet I don’t feel good enough for my self.. I don’t meet my standards of what I think I should be.
Inspiring read xx
Beautifully written and weaving a beautiful story from jagged pieces of life. I am old enough to be a grandfather. I grew up without ever hearing either of my parents say “I love you” to me or to each other. In my marriage I became the stay-at-home parent of my two sons and loved them and told them so. My older son got into drugs in high school and passed away. Divorce followed. I remain alone after five years. My journey continues.
Thanks for posting your article.
Beautiful story @kirsten_davies:disqus . Thanks for sharing x
my Aunty Sadie got a nearly new yellow Lincoln MKZ Hybrid blog here x.vu/TP1V8l
Hi Kirsten,
Its really amazing and so inspiring! Thanks for sharing! 🙂 stay blessed 🙂
This article really touched me. I struggle with comparing myself to others daily. I often think, “this person is beautiful…I’m not, they look so happy…I’m not, they are so brilliant…I’m clouded by emotion, this person is sane…I’m not.” And the list goes on, no wonder I feel so awful about myself on a daily basis. For a long time, I could see that I didn’t love myself. This article showed me that I’m not the only one who’s felt this way, and in reality feeling like I’m not worthy of love takes a big piece away from myself and others. It makes it hard for me to accept my life and to accept others in it. You spoke the truth of what self-love is and what it can do for a person. I appreciate what you wrote, it touched a very sensitive part of me.
thank you x x x
thank you so much xxx
I am so sorry for your loss, never give the faith that things can get better x x x
thank you so much x x x
You are good enough, you were born good enough, just always remember this you have nothing to prove to anyone. x x x
thank you so much x x x x
Thank you so much for your kind message x x x
Ah Carly I think so many of us struggle with comparisons but the thing to remember is we never really know what is going on in another persons life ever. My wish for you is that you realise how truly magnificent you are and learn to deeply love and appreciate yourself. xxxx
Makayla… I know too well, the struggles of constant comparison with others & feelings of not measuring up to others is one of the most difficult things in life, esp when we have our own family members & friends also bombarding their idealism onto us… As hard as it is to remember it at times, each of our journeys are different & there is no such thing as ‘one size fits all,’ with whatever it is in life. Try to be mindful of the things that makes you feel happy/peaceful & try to incorporate them into your day-to-day life. While the the search for validation may never go away, you could always try to channel that into positive energy & use it as an incentive to accomplish things for yourself…In time, you will become more comfortable in your own shoes. At the end of the day, if we don’t ‘feel good enough for oneself’ no amount of external validation will give us a lasting contentment.
How very true, thanks for sharin, what I love about this storey is that you took a negative situation and created something so beautiful from it, I can imagine the majority of people can really identify with this, it certainly resonated with me. It’s true Life is full of challenges, trials and tribulations thats for sure and each one good or bad teaches us something very beautiful and powerful about ourselves….not only do we learn and grow, we then we can share out stories in a bid to reach out to Others… So raw and honest Kirsten thank you so so much for sharing once again …you’re beautiful inside and out 🙂 xxxxx
Reading this article has made me feel emotional. All of my life, I was always comparing myself to those that were better than me. I realized that I needed to love and accept myself for who I am, as a human being.
I went through a similar situation myself, Kirsten, except I wasn’t pregnant. My ex-boyfriend dumped me, since he couldn’t handle the fact that I was so much better than him! He was very insecure, controlling, jealous and manipulative idiot. There were times when he lashed his insecurities out on me to where I started questioning his motives. I know I haven’t done anything wrong! Since he didn’t have the guts to be honest with me, and tell me that the relationship was over, my ex-boyfriend dumped me for an older White woman (who’s old enough to be my aunt). I felt hurt, humiliated and disgusted, so he will NEVER understand the pain he put me through. His actions makes him the biggest coward on this planet, and I have NO RESPECT for him. It took me a while to get over this bastard and the relationship.
My best friend and I were having dinner when she told me that I don’t have my self-respect. Not only did the comment hurt my feelings, it forced me to understand that I need to stop settling for less. Besides, I deserve more! I’m thankful that my ex-boyfriend did a huge favor on my part, by dumping me. His girlfriend called the police and had him arrested for domestic violence. At least I wasn’t the victim.
I stopped comparing myself to others, because I know that I’m not like everyone else! This article is raw and vulnerable. I appreciate your honesty, as well as sharing your story with everyone. I have a new boyfriend who doesn’t have issues with insecurities, and best of all, he isn’t a control freak!! It’s nice to share my trials and tribulations with someone who wants to watch me grow.
Kirsten, I find your attitude to come from a place of great awareness. As a person who went through a very hard time recently with love not being reciprocated I realize we always have the choice to use pain for great progress and what you have done is extremely inspirational and far far harder. I admire your strength and courage. You validated the truth of that lesson to me. I am grateful that you shared your story. Your beauty truly shows! I wish you the very best ❤️
Hi Kristen Davies, This article is so inspiring thanks for sharing. Comparison ourself with others is a big cause of unhappiness in our life and you nicely define what’s mean by beauty. stay blessed !
It’s beautiful life story,it takes a lot of of braveness to shear such as deep emotional matter.
You are wonderful,beautiful human being and I hope you life be always kind for you.Thank you!!!