“You’re imperfect, and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.” ~Brené Brown
I believe that it is part of the human condition to want love and connection with others. For some of us this comes much more naturally and abundantly than it does for others.
The universal thing we all share is that at some point along our life journey, there will come a time when our self-worth is on the table for questioning.
I can clearly recall the first time my self-confidence was rocked. I was seven years old and full of energy, life, and good old-fashioned cheer.
I spent endless summer hours skipping rope, riding bikes, playing tag with the neighborhood kids, and had recently discovered the art of performing cartwheels on the back lawn—what a rush!
At the time we lived in a duplex. My mom was a single mom. My dad passed away when I was only six months old, leaving my older brother Eric and I behind.
Of course I didn’t realize it at the time, but while my mom was the most amazing mom around, I didn’t have a male role model in my life and must have really felt that loss.
My mom and I still share a giggle over a story from when I was two years old. I very eagerly staggered out into the street during a holiday parade to profess my love or “wuv” for the policemen and firemen as they passed by.
It just so happened we had a police officer living next door to us. It was a warm summer evening and he had guests out on his deck enjoying a barbeque. I also just so happened to be outside once again, perfecting my cartwheel.
I remember gearing up to showcase them my newly honed skill. I composed myself and very deliberately set off down our bumpy, sloped lawn toward their deck.
I gave them one impeccable cartwheel after the other, without any break in between, until I reached the end of the lawn and the start of the blackberry bush.
I turned to face them with a victory smile and a silent “ta-da!” but instead of receiving anticipated applause and approval, I was met with roars of laughter and a snicker: “Wow, what a showoff this one is!”
I was instantly deflated and utterly crushed.
I clearly remember feeling the heavy pit in my stomach, and the accompanying sting of tears and hurt I fought back as the heat rose from my belly to my cheeks. At seven years old I stood there with my heart wide open, looking for approval only to feel squashed and ashamed.
Fast-forward another twenty-eight years and it all sounds a bit silly to me now, yet somehow the hurt is still quick for me to recall.
This was, of course, not the experience that taught me the great life lesson of expressing and honoring my worth as a human being.
That came much later with far more extensive bruises, bumps, and lessons, but this memory is one that stands out to me because it was the first time I ever thought to myself “Maybe I am not good enough, and maybe I never will be.”
I don’t believe there is a human out there that doesn’t have this inner child in them that yearns for the reassurance that they are okay. Most of us have had at least one experience somewhere along the line that has left the lingering question of whether or not we are good enough.
I think we all carry these wounds around with us. Some of us face unthinkable things and suffer from much deeper wounds and fears than others.
I guess the point is, at any given time we are surrounded by others that have felt insecure and unloved, that worry about being worthy of belonging and can relate to what may be one of our biggest fears.
I just can’t help but think if we all gave ourselves permission to not be so hard on ourselves, or to each other, the ride could be a little gentler. When we come back to that place in life where our hearts are open, we are less likely to be so critical of others and of ourselves.
The simple act of sharing a heartfelt smile with a stranger on the street, or praising a young child for being completely amazing by just being who they are, is empowering and contagious.
When we loosen our grip on our fear of looking foolish or not measuring up, and instead share our light and love with others, the magic of life seems to naturally unfold.
The best part is, we help give others the courage to do the same, to find their way back to remembering how totally awesome and worthy they are right now as they are.
I should add that while I never did become a gifted gymnast, I will on occasion bust out my best cartwheel moves on the back lawn with my kids, or on the beach just because. Now I always follow it up with a “ta-da” and a pat on the back I deserve for purely being human.
Photo by Louise Palanker
About Emily Madill
Emily Madill lives on Vancouver Island, BC with her husband and two sons. She has a BA degree in business and psychology. Emily has published several esteem building books for children and was recently published in Chicken Soup for the Soul, Think Positive for Kids. She has also published a collection of inspirational articles for adults titled ‘Reflections’. Learn more at: www.emilymadill.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thanks Emily! I just wanted to give you a “pat on the back” for your article. After a long day of performing cartwheels for a major client with little to no notice, it felt good to read your article and realize I did well and nobody has to notice for that to be true. Thanks!
Fair play to you Emily. We can’t truly experience the world or enjoy life from within the safety of our shells!
Thank you!!! That’s Awesome Joseph!! Good for you 🙂
Thanks David! So true, most of my best moments in life come from a place of being truly uncomfortable,and stretching myself …I love the rush of overcoming these limits I put upon myself 🙂
But then, sometimes still, we open our hearts and get squashed and shamed. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s worth opening up anymore.
Thank you for sharing that story. When I was in junior high school, I was riding on a different bus after school one day because I was going to my friend’s house with her. So the “older boys” (8th & 9th grade) in the back noticed a different girl on their bus and started whispering about me. I overheard one say “She’s cute”. I was thrilled and pretending not to hear them, so I casually turned my head to the side pretending to look around, really just hoping to overhear more of what they were saying. Then I heard another one, the cutest boy of them all say, “Yeah, she’s got a big nose though”. I was mortified. Until that moment, I never thought I had a big nose and no one else had ever suggested I had a big nose, so this was life changing. I went home and studied my nose at every angle possible, and became self conscious about my nose for the rest of my life. I’m less obsessed with it now, but I admit to avoiding side view photographs. I’ve had other criticisms I’ve been able to ignore or shake, so I’m not sure why that one affected me so deeply but it did.
A sad but relevant side note here: That boy, the cute one who said I had a big nose, committed suicide with his father’s gun the next school year. He was obviously in a tremendous amount of pain that no one was aware of. He seemed happy and confident, he was popular and good looking. So many thoughts go through my head: One is feeling rather self-absorbed for being so bothered by my nose when far worse was apparently bothering him. Another thought is that perhaps my nose isn’t so big at all, perhaps it was his view that was distorted. No one else ever said I have a big nose before or after, so why did I place so much emphasis on someone who quite clearly was miserable with his own life? I later heard some rumors that his father had been particularly mean, possibly physically abusive to him and this was the main reason he took his own life. If so, he must not have felt good enough either, like he didn’t measure up to his father’s expectations.
So I’ve struggled for various reasons over the years with trying to be ‘good enough’ for those around me. Some, like the cute boy on the bus, struggled more and with devastating consequence. I think it’s incredibly important, vital, that we be the ‘approvers’ of ourselves and not base our worth on something someone else may say or think, especially when that person likely doesn’t have it any more figured out than we do. So I echo the sentiment of this article; thank you for letting me share.
This reminds me of when I first realized I wasn’t all that. I was never stuck up, but I thought everyone liked me. Until I ran for class Vice President in 9th grade (I didn’t even care about school, I just wanted to be like my brother who was always some type of student representative) and lost miserably. My ego/self-confidence has never been the same.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our
deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our
darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a
child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing
enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children to. We
were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we
unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated
from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Marianne
Willamson
Beautiful, honest piece Emily. Thank you for this important reminder.
Jonathan
Thanks LJ for sharing that story, so true that we all carry around these pieces of hurt with us…great reminder for giving compassion to others around us and being a little gentler in our thoughts and interactions, even if on the surface it doesn’t appear like it is needed or even welcome. When I learn of other’s hurts it makes me kind of melt and I immediately feel like there is a shared common ground. I can’t help but wish good things and kind thoughts…spreading that good stuff out into the world, even if only in our thoughts feels so much better than ill will, judgement or jealousy…so interesting!
Thanks Jonathan 🙂
Hi Ruth 🙂 we are all connected by these human experiences…and in that same breathe, I believe we all are ‘worthy’ of feeling great about who we are right now, no matter what our experiences have been or how they have shaped our beliefs about ourselves 🙂
I love this MB, I have a framed copy of it on my desk…I refer to it often for the powerful message in her beautiful words. Thanks for sharing!!
Hi Lucy 🙂 I totally relate to what you are saying, it can be unnerving to put our hearts out there. I have also discovered that sometimes when I put myself and my heart out there with good intentions anyway, I end up feeling good regardless of the outcome because it has helped me to stay true to who I am and to be gradually braver to share my gifts with others (no matter how they are received). Hope this helps 🙂
Hi 🙂 do visit my website 🙂 http://www.thatsomethingworks.blogspot.com
This is a beautiful story…Thank You for sharing & Merry Christmas! 🙂
Thank you