“You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.” ~Unknown
I would love to identify as someone who, when her relationships crumble either gradually or all at once, is able to wipe her hands clean and go about her life without any closure.
I fantasize about the tears, time, and energy I would save if I didn’t feel the need for closure and if I didn’t agonize about trying to have these heartfelt and “necessary” conversations with the people with whom I’ve had falling outs.
For years, I was shackled to the belief that there must be a formal end to a relationship or role, and until that happens, it’s impossible to move on.
In life, not all relationships continue to flourish. It’s brave to recognize that and to move on from toxic relationships, or those that don’t contribute to your growth or well-being. But how does one go about that transition when formal closure is not always an option?
It’s not weird to feel the need for closure. In fact, I wholeheartedly believe that it’s a necessary part of the relationship cycle. The more I explore the notion of closure, however, the more convinced I become that the issue isn’t about closure per se, but rather redefining what closure is.
When we think of closure, a certain image or idea might come to mind.
Maybe it’s opposing parties sitting down and talking, crying, laughing in order to get to a place where everyone involved can accept the end or shift of a relationship.
Maybe it ends with a hug, or maybe it doesn’t.
Maybe it still hurts, but at least accept that it’s the end.
It’s hard to create new beginnings when you are preoccupied with old endings.
Closure is something to meditate on, because sometimes closure is not found in plain sight.
The more I think about closure, the more convinced I am that there’s no set formula for it. It can come in millions of forms. If you start investigating closure with new eyes, I bet you can achieve some aspects of it that you weren’t even aware of.
Closure isn’t always a grand gesture or conversation. Maybe closure is the first time you’re able to set a new boundary, saying “no” when you’re a certified people pleaser.
Maybe it’s being able to finally go through the belongings of a loved one whose life was taken with little or no notice.
If you’re confused or having trouble subscribing to this idea, let me share my own closure experience with you.
My mother has narcissistic personality disorder and definitely displays characteristics of bipolar disorder as well.
For the better part of my life, our relationship has been very rocky. Since I was thirteen, we have been through multiple estrangements that have lasted minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and even years at various times.
These estrangements always seemed so fuzzy. Was it the end of our relationship, or was it a hiatus? I never knew whether I should commit to reviving the relationship or begin the process of moving on.
Sometimes I wanted it to be final so I could recover from the mental abuse and create a new life where self-loathing was replaced with self-love. But how could I?
We didn’t have a formal conversation about it. I didn’t feel okay. I didn’t take my mom’s texts that read, “I should’ve aborted you,” or, “You’re dead to me, forget my number” as acceptable forms of closure.
But what was acceptable closure? I wasn’t sure how much more obvious her message could have been. But I thought maybe she didn’t mean it. I didn’t feel ready to move on, so I didn’t accept that as closure.
For years, I asked myself, “What am I needing in order to be able to move on?”
Then I got quiet and I listened.
I realized that I thought I needed to hear her say sorry, or if she couldn’t do that, for us to be able to sit down and have a rational conversation. I thought that was the only way I could pick up my broken pieces and live a fulfilling life.
Through years of therapy, education, tears, relying on my support systems, and intense introspection, I discovered that I was never going to get that.
My mother is mentally incapable of believing she could be even slightly flawed. She is incapable of giving me what I thought I needed.
Just when I was running out of ways to self-destruct and I felt myself hitting a new bottom, I decided that just because my mother couldn’t help me achieve the type of closure I desired, that didn’t mean that I couldn’t get there on my own.
I began the life-long process of retraining my brain, engaging in self-love and self-care, and going within to give myself what I needed when others couldn’t.
I might not have gotten everything I wanted exactly in the way that I had envisioned, but I was able to get myself to a place where I understood and accepted my relationship (or lack thereof) with my mother.
I was ready to move on and learn to begin a new chapter of my life.
Some days it comes easier than others. There are times when I want to dwell on how much it sucks that I have to work so hard to feel okay sometimes.
On the tough days, I am learning to go inward. I practice positive self-talk, celebrate how far I’ve come, and remind myself that closure is not just one thing. I remind myself that I have the power to create all the closure I need if I keep practicing and having faith.
If you are a creature of closure, there’s no need to shame yourself or to try to change who you are. Maybe it’s about learning to become a detective for closure in your everyday life in order to find it in your own way.
The path to closure is rarely an easy or clear-cut one, but I invite you to see closure through a new lens.
As you embark on this journey, remember to be gentle with yourself. It’s okay to acknowledge where there is room for improvement, but please do not overlook successes, no matter the size.
Meditate on the idea that you possess the ability to find closure on your own in ways you never thought possible. Consider the belief that you could be free. Bask in the notion that you’re in control.
If you do achieve closure, remember that you’re the one who is responsible for such a feat.
About Melanie Hoffman
Melanie Hoffman is an aspiring writer and LMHC, currently working toward her Masters in Mental Health Counseling at SUNY Oswego. She loves how, as a counselor, she can support others as they empower themselves to grow and change. Melanie is also passionate about practicing to live a life full of love, joy, and adventure. Connect with Melanie on LinkedIn here.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thanx for sharing your story Melanie.
I loved the quote you started with : “You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.” ~Unknown …..
My take away from your post is “On the tough days, I am learning to go inward. I practice positive self-talk, celebrate how far I’ve come, and remind myself that closure is not just one thing. I remind myself that I have the power to create all the closure I need if I keep practicing and having faith.”
It’s all about attending to our mind as that is all that it is craving for ‘Attention’.
Thank you.
Thank you…a timely article for me..many parallels… my traumatic past keeps eroding my ability to move forward and my capacity to be present in the moment…I have work to do even this late in the journey…a lack of self compassion has been the barrier…your article is full of hope.
I had a friend who is also mentally incapable of believing she could be even slightly flawed or plain out wrong. She would never listen or work together to work things out… it was all her way, thoughts and ideas or no way. She had to be in total control, like others have pointed out to me and helped me see..
Love this, “Closure isn’t always a grand gesture or conversation. Maybe closure
is the first time you’re able to set a new boundary, saying “no” when
you’re a certified people pleaser.”
I did that very thing, saying no more, instead of people pleasing like I was so used to doing. I am grateful for this happening in the sense it helped me finally stand up for what I need and know who to trust and not to trust now or how close to allow people to get. I needed to hear this today more than ever. This article has given me the closure I so badly needed. Thank you!
Thank you. I needed to read this today. I have struggled with closure for the last ten months, and now I realise it may never come so I have to find ways of moving on in a way that is positive. I have found it and am still finding it so hard, I have cried so much. Some days I believe once I get the closure I need I will be OK…..but I have to start believing that I can heal myself. So thanks again, this has given me the hope I need.
Closure for me happened the moment I accepted that the void left by my mother when she abandoned me, could never be filled. When I accepted that I had to now build my life around the void, instead of trying to fill it with external things, I felt a physical shift. I felt lighter than I had ever remembered feeling before. And I’m not bitter anymore or jealous of other mother-daughter relationships I see around me. It was complete acceptance of the void and the knowing that void was part of me and that’s ok. That was true closure for me. I never again found myself needing to have a conversation with my mother or wondering why. It just is and that’s ok. Thank you for this article and for giving me the opportunity to remind myself of this part of my learning x
Thank you for this! I have been struggling with this for the last 5 years after meeting and falling in love with a man who freely chooses to walk in & out my life without so much as a word. After our last falling out, he told me he needed my friendship and after some thought (but against my better judgment) I agreed we could try to be friends. After I agreed to a friendship, it was clear he had no interest because as I tried he completely ignored me. Unreturned texts, emails, etc. It has been a year since we last spoke, which isn’t uncommon, given his history there’s still the possibility of him popping back in, and knowing that makes it so hard to move on but I am disparately trying to do so. Thank you for reinforcing that I need to find the closure I’m looking for (and need) within myself because I will never it get it from him.
Hi Melanie
I loved this article so much and you had such great insights on this very necessary aspect of us moving on, at least something most of us deem necessary anyway. Like you said, we may not be able to get the type of closure that seems most ideal or ‘required’ but that doesn’t mean we can’t get it at all. That self-questioning you suggest is so important, and if we dig a bit deeper, we can see what is really happening, and what options are available to us to get that sense of closure and begin moving forward.
I really loved this post so much.
The journey is lifelong, and it’s so awesome that no matter where we are (age wise), we can all connect and come together as humans on this journey to find love, joy, and acceptance in the present moment. Thank you so much for the kind words, I am so glad that you enjoyed and connected with my article. Your comment is also full of hope 🙂
Thank you so much! I feel so honored that the article could serve as that reminder for you today. Congratulations on setting boundaries and learning to say no when you want to. It can be very hard but I believe it’s worth it and is a game-changer for our own mental health.
Thank you for reading and enjoying the article, Neil. I agree!
<3 Thank you so much for reading and connecting with my article, Helen. It's unfortunate that we have to understand that feeling, but your words are so inspiring and serve as a reminder for me. It can be easy to dwell in the past or stay down about the things that we might not have, but it's so awesome to hear you rising above and creating your own closure in order to create a happy life for yourself 🙂
Thank you so much Anna, for taking the time to read my article and for sharing your response to it. Closure is a lifelong process, but I’m so happy to hear that you’re on the path and committed to giving it to yourself. I’m so honored that the article is helpful to you as you go through this process. You’re awesome 🙂
Thank you so much, Kelli! 🙂
Wow, thank you so much for not only reading my article and responding to it, but sharing such a heartfelt post and sharing your story as well. It can be devastating when feelings and interests aren’t matched, and we have to pick up the pieces and find a way to move on.. but it sounds like you’re on the path. I wish we didn’t have to deal with this, but it’s comforting to know that the path to closure isn’t a lonely one. Thank you, Jen-keep going and stay true to yourself, you rock!
Thanks Melanie this is a great post. It truly resonate with me and now I know that I do not need the type of closure that most times I too perceive it to be but I can move forward without the permission of others.
We all go through different struggles in life but feeling at peace and enjoying a life of happiness that we all deserve require us to accept ourselves and loving ourselves enough to want to let go of the pain and pass.
Thank you so much for sharing your story as I have always felt that certain things were to be kept private no matter what the pain. With you sharing your story it encourages me and also help me to realize we are all in the struggle together and that I am never a lone.
Melanie, it was great to read the above. I, however, have a different theory to closure. it is purely my opinion and holds true for me, but may not suit one and all. In my opinion closure is overrated and moving on is all that matters. Think of it, if a realtionship is at all not meant to be and is breaking anyways then will a kind word or a hug or a real good conversation give you “lasting” peace and happiness? i emphasised on the word “lasting”. because it might make you feel good for the moment. But when one is in pain it takes sometimes even years to heal. there are so many emotions you undergo in that process and seldom are you reminded of how the closure was, i mean it doesnt even matter after a point if there was a closure at all because the fact of the matter that you are having to live without the person and the expectations that you had from the relation or the person involved will never be met. ultimately you have to deal with the pain. so closure or no closure, the pain remains the same. One has to accept that its the end and move on. i know its easier said than done but think of this , today any problem of the past when you look back on does it appear small or not? it might mean everything there is to your life at that point but looking back on it today makes it appear a lot smaller. so say to yourself that if a few months or years from now i am not going to cry over this problem then why should i do now and waste my time over it? best is to just put it behind me and move on knowing very well that tomorrow this problem will appear much smaller than it is today. our lives and priorities keep changing every moment. and focussing attention on closure is grossely overrated. Having said that Melanie, I loved what you wrote 🙂
Thank you for taking the time to read my words and to offer me your thoughts and ideas about closure too. I definitely agree that “closure” in the traditional sense is not always possible, and sometimes we just have to give ourselves what others can’t. You offer a great perspective, and although I am the type who usually needs to allow myself “feel” in order to learn to move past something, I will remember what you said. There is definitely a difference between going through a hard time and ruminating about it.
Thank you for this post. .
Thank you so much for this. I needed it today.
This was very heartfelt. I felt myself tearing up as i read this.
Ive had troouble finding closure after my first love and first bf of five years left me after allegedly needing space. I discovered that he left me for his female coworker. Twhat doubled the pain was the fact that this happened 4 months after my parents filed for separation, and just one month of my starying fertility therapy for my ovarian problems.
During this most turbulent period in my life he was my beacon of hope. His family became my own after seeing my own immature parents beat each other up and crumble before my very eyes. When he left it was as if i was left to drown in the deep blue sea. Every day i felt like drowning. Every night i prayed for death to come to me. Not because i did not want to live, but because i wanted the gnawing hole in my soul to go away. I wanted to find peace, and i believed i could find it in death. It is now 6 months after and i am still in the process of healing.
I cannot recall how many times i prayed for strength to move on, only to crumble after hearing his name. I tried the whoke forgive your enemy shtick, but right now the anger has not dissipated from my heart. I still have dreams of him and i still feel that pit in my stomach whenever i see couples on the street. A part of me died that day. Along with my dreams of my family becoming whole, my dreams of a life with him died with it.
Through your article i realized that i will probably never hear the truth from him. He cannot give me the closure that i needed. I have to find that for myself. The only problem is how to begin.thank you. From the bottom of my heart.
Im bernadette. I come from a broken family. My heart is broken, my soul and my innocence is shattered. But despite this i shall do my best to love myself. My journey to closure begins now. 🙂
Thank you so much. I’m so happy you read enjoyed my post 🙂
Thank you for reading it 🙂
Isn’t it amazing how painful experiences can also be so healing and unifying if we allow them to be? By you taking the time to read this and provide your feedback, you made that possible. Thank you for that. Good luck on your journey 🙂
Wow, Bernadette. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and for sharing your experiences with me as well. I am so sorry that you have been going through this, but it’s so good for you that you are now at a place of epiphany and are committed to your mental health and happiness. Best of luck to you on your journey 🙂
Some relationships are like symphonies and end on an unresolved passage that repeats mysteriously over and over again as it fades into silence. Accepting this made me the master of my own closure. It’s amazing how many men claim I’ve supposedly “hurt” them (while ignoring how many times they hurt me, of course, lol) because I refuse to crawl back for closure but accept their own ending of things and agree with them, “You know what? You’re right, you need your freedom and in fact, nope, we don’t belong together”, then walk away to a different guy.
The chagrin, pouting lower lip and childish acting out 99% of men I encounter show me right after that has convinced me Most Men Know Exactly WTF They Are Doing When They Choose To Hurt A Woman, that it’s all for sake of power, and they hope you’ll turn out like the low self-esteem others who come sidewindering back up to them begging them for “closure” and “another chance” when it was THOSE MEN who chose to end things. The male ego knows no end to its need for satisfaction.
Do not give it to them. Ever. Under any circumstances.
When a man ends it, ladies, agree with him and end it with him. Walk away and do not look back. Find someone new.
That mysterious unresolved chord ending will boomerang back, backfire on them, and haunt them for the rest of their unnatural lives.
Thank you for this article. I am unable to get closure from a relationship in which I am unable to have any contact with the other person. It hurts so much every single day and has been like this since September…so almost a whole year! I need to find closure and I am desperately searching for ways to get it. I’m still at a loss, but reading your article made me feel better…that I’m not the only one unable to get closure (and to want it in the first place). This person told me that he owed me no closure and had no desire to give me any. That has sent me into a negative spiral of confusion and self-loathing. I understand now that I’m not going to move past this breakup until I let go…but part of me doesn’t want to let go because everything we had was so beautiful, and there’s no closure to signal me to let go either. I need to find that signal…somehow, someway. Hopefully it’s not as painful or long as what I’ve been through already 🙁
Often times closure will not be fulfilled by someone else. It comes from within. It would be so much easier if he could give me a reason and poof I get my closure! I like your opening quote too and it really rings true for me. Until I can accept my current situation, (and not just say “I accept” but REALLY believe it) then I will never get closure. But I know I will.
I feel exactly the same. I have never set boundaries before and I am slowly learning how to. It is very emotional and difficult at first, but having seen the benefits and having seen my children begin to copy my behaviour in standing up for themselves too, I must keep going. Not gravitating towards difficult, angry and tryrannical people but towards kind and thoughtful friends.
I have no closure after my whole family turned their backs on me, when I dared question their behaviour. I have now grieved for my parents, yet they are still alive. I am coming out of the grieving process and am aware that I may enter a new loss when they die. There will surely be no reconciliation. But my life is being rebuilt on more solid ground, with better foundations and boundaries. Thanks to two years of psychotherapy. It is possible.
My mother in law disowned me for suggesting that she be more mindful of the way she speaks to me. Instead of looking at herself objectively, she took it as an attack on her character and went on a rampage to pretty much destroy me. It got to the point where she humiliated me in public (shaming me for something I didn’t actually say) and then SHOVED ME in front of her husband and her son (my spouse). Both of them defend her, no matter how hard I’ve tried to explain what happened (she lied, they believe her). My spouse said that he tried instilling a sense of urgency for her to reconcile, but it’s been nearly a year since the incident and she’s purposely avoiding me at all costs. Her health is deteriorating; as is her husband’s, and I’m constantly feeling conflicted about this estrangement. If only they had the wherewithall to have a mature conversation with ME; as opposed to gossiping and making assumptions with their son.
So. I suppose I feel your pain, both literally and figuratively.
Try using Amethyst Crystals as a very helpful tool Anna. I do. It’s amazing.