“If you cannot forgive and forget, pick one.” ~Robert Brault
I used to hate my parents.
I despised them. I blamed them for most of my issues.
I couldn’t do what I wanted to do in life because they would disapprove of it. I couldn’t be a cop or firefighter because those professions didn’t make enough money. I could only study a major that would be beneficial in getting me a job and not one that they thought was pointless, such as psychology or sociology.
I hated my dad for never being there when I was a child. I hated him for always getting angry with me and yelling at me and making me go to my room to cry by myself.
I hated my mom for not sticking up for me. I hated her for not sticking up for herself when my dad would yell at her. I loathed her for her laziness and blamed her for my own because she didn’t teach me to work hard on a task and to persevere through the tough times.
For a few years I felt this intense dislike of them and never told them. My anger kept building and building, and you know who had to live with it and deal with it? I did.
I smiled happily toward them and the outside world, but inside I was dying a slow death.
Dwelling in anger and hate is like drinking a poison that slowly destroys your insides and kills you. There’s a reason why the Jedis in Star Wars say that anger and hate lead you to the dark side.
The reason is because it will eventually cause you to lash out and cause damage to the people around you.
And that’s what happened to me. My façade of happiness crashed down upon me after a few rough weeks during my junior year of college. I had a meltdown and attempted suicide.
Most people will not act as extremely as I did, but that doesn’t mean their pain is any less than mine. I see others who carry lifelong anger and hatred toward their parents because of their childhoods.
It’s a burden they carry with them, and they cope with it different ways, whether it’s through addiction, working too much, or something else that slowly erodes their insides because they fail to address the anger and hatred there.
I struggled immensely after my suicide attempt. That first year, though, was when I started to realize something that would change my life for the better.
Anger and hatred mainly affect the person holding them because they are the one who destroys their life and relationship because of it. You don’t forgive for others’ sake; you forgive for your own.
When I realized this, I started on the long journey that is forgiveness.
I wish I could say it is like the movies, but it isn’t, at least not in my experience.
I have found that forgiveness takes a continual effort over weeks, sometimes months. It’s something you have to consciously do every time your anger arises.
Your anger and hatred fade away over time as you consciously reframe your thoughts and feelings to ones of forgiveness.
I started by first writing in my journal about what my parents didn’t give me when I was a child. I don’t mean things; I mean love, affection, and guidance.
I then started to give myself those things.
And then I learned how to see things from my parents’ angle and have compassion toward them.
I realized that their parents didn’t give them all that they needed. I saw that they were just trying their best and they were human like me, which meant that they had flaws and made mistakes.
I saw that they were every bit as lost as most of us are at times, because life has no guidebook.
I saw the little child within them.
As I started to forgive them, I became warmer toward them and appreciated them more. I started to say “I love you” to them, and surprisingly my dad started to say it back. He had never really said it to me before.
I eventually had a semi-movie moment with my father after months of working on myself. I told him that I hated him for the longest time, that I know he was just trying his best, and that I forgave him for his mistakes. I told him I understood that I was an adult now and was responsible for my future and myself.
My relationship with him changed dramatically after that moment.
It isn’t super intimate but it’s better than it ever was. My father has said “I love you” to me without me saying it first. We smile at each other and have made each other laugh.
I have become close with my mother after forgiving her. I trust her and confide in her about the struggles I go through. I am so grateful to have her in my life.
I love them both very deeply and none of this would have happened if I didn’t learn to forgive.
Learn to forgive others if not for their sake, for yours.
I have learned that as I change for the better, so do all of the relationships in my life.
About Michael Sosnowski
Michael Sosnowski is a freelance web designer, novice photographer, and lover of quotes and self-improvement. You can check out some of his photography work at Free Stock Paradise (link is http://www.freestockparadise.com) and use it for any of your stock photography needs for free.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
A tremendously difficult and important discussion; may many hearts see how they’ve slowly self-destructed because of the poison they refuse to release from their childhood.
Forgiveness is an essential first step in the journey, but if you want to take things to the next level, try focusing on the many, many things your parents did that you should be grateful for. You may be amazed to discover how much you took for granted. One day you may find you are so grateful that there remains very little to forgive them for.
Beautifully honest writing. What a wonderful journey you are on – one of taking responsibility for creating a good life for yourself; and it started with forgiveness and openness. Being real and authentic with yourself, for yourself and with others always wins.
Thank you for your words. Both of my parents are gone now. Took me many years of working at forgiveness to let go the anger and resentment I had toward an autocratic, physically abusive father. They both did the best they could and I miss them both terribly but know they would want me to the live my life to the fullest.
Brought tears to my eyes . . . this is a piece I will share.
Well said!
Hi, Michael, I’ve really enjoyed your writing, it was very meaningful to me.
This is very timely for me. It has been a long journey. Fifty-seven years of anger and bitterness and no idea why. Why me. When I stopped questioning and set out on the journey to figure out how to stop blaming and start healing, the process and ques started appearing for me long before I was ready, willing or able to see them, I must admit.
I have chased everyone and everything away because I felt that I didn’t deserve anyone or anything good in my life. My parents never did anything to dispel that thinking. Instead I endured putdowns and insults.
As a 6 year old fearing the neighborhood bully waiting for me after school day after day beating me mercilessly and my mother doing nothing about it or my father for that matter.
Being told I would never amount to anything or I could not do that or it will not work were what I heard instead of encouragement. I was the second oldest of 4 siblings and the first born daughter and thought it had something to do with being the oldest daughter, surely that was it. Well my suspicions weren’t entirely off. My mother did take everything out on me. She could retaliate and boy did she ever. Her anger and resentment toward her mother were her weapons of mass destruction aimed at me her daughter and boy did they destroy.
I wondered why it took so long for the light to dawn. Why did I have to lose my job, my home and nearly my sanity to finally come to terms with this madness?
The many severe head injuries from the beatings by the neighborhood
bully and then my mother and then my now ex-husband took their toll and I
believe the physical damage is just now starting to show.
It is not possible to talk to my parents about this. They will turn me away with more insults because they do not want to face what they know is the truth. But I am okay with that.
I am a loving and generous person with a big heart and I will find myself again.
Moving forward without forgiveness is impossible. My childhood was mired in child abuse and elect but I forgave them anyway for all the reasons you mentioned…they were doing the best they could as flawed people. I couldn’t have a relationship with them though as they were still abusive into adulthood, but I forgave them so I could move forward. We are now no contact because they are toxic but I have truly forgiven them and now they are just people out there in the world whom I rarely think of at all. This is a good article because it reminds us that holding anything inside and resenting others only hurts us.
Awesome post! Thank you for sharing your experience and insight! Inspiring message for sure! 🙂
Thank you Michael. I am starting this journey. I don’t think I will ever have a real relationship with them because they are toxic and still abusive now that I am 30. But luckily I live far away from them now, and I am starting to forgive. It’s hard, and very difficult. But as you said I am doing this for myself, not for them.
Blessings. x
It was a huge relief to me the day that I realized that the lens I saw my parents through was just that, and there were other ways to look at my own past. I realized that my mom’s tendency to leave for a while when things got tough at home was not abandonment but her way of taking a time out, for instance. That some things were beyond her skill set was not my fault or hers. And it’s true that as soon as my attitude changed, my parents changed too. I believe we KNOW how others feel about us even if they never express it, on some level. If one feels constant resentment & anger coming at one from someone else, of course one is not going to be all that loving & warm back.
Good advice, but it’s not for everyone. My parents were mentally ill. I don’t have to forgive them or to forget them. My experience growing up with them is part of what makes me who I am. Is it ok for me to be grateful for what they gave me, but still aware of the dangers they still represent, and knowledgeable about how to defend myself? Surely Buddhism doesn’t teach us to martyr ourselves for nothing. I believe (in the words of one of the posters here) that my heart has slowly escaped from self-destruction, by learning that it is what my parents wanted for me, and that I don’t have to accept their plan as my path. I can choose to move forward and have compassion for their suffering, rather than dwell in the suffering they chose for themselves. I’m not angry or bitter, but I’m also not stupid. Just as I learned as a child not to put my hand on a hot stove, I have also learned to let people keep their insanity for themselves. Including my parents.
For me it is actually kind of being the other way around. I mean, after taking distance from them (essential for my survival) I have been realizing how much of them there is in me (and I don’t mean bad things, but good ones!) and also working with children is making me realize how difficult it is to raise a child, and making me appreciate more what they did. And that is leading to a process of forgiveness. x
Your story is really touching; I’m so sorry to hear that you had to go through all that… I know its easier for me to say..but as hard as it must have been for you all this time, instead of thinking ‘why it took you 57 years’ to finally realize that you really are enough & deserve to be happy, find the PEACE in knowing that its never too late to start fresh & be a light in helping others as you did for some by simply reading this brief story that you shared here! Hang in there, follow your heart — do whatever healthy actions it takes to make you WHOLE again. Hope to hear more about this story of yours & the lessons you learned from them, someday in our Tiny Buddha. Thank you for sharing your story, wshnic! Wish you the best. 🙂
“And it’s true that as soon as my attitude changed, my parents changed
too. I believe we KNOW how others feel about us even if they never
express it, on some level.” That’s a great point & prob could be applied in some level to almost any relationships in our life, thanks for sharing! 🙂
This has been a major issue in my life and I think you’ve turned this always walking on eggshells type of gal into one that’s gonna stick her chest out a little more
This sounds like my story. Thanks for posting it.
I want to thank you for sharing your experience. I know that it must have difficult for you to open up about not receiving the love, care and guidance from your parents. I have to give you props for looking past their flaws.
I don’t like being told what to do with my life, since I’m in control of my own destiny. I remember my forcing me to attend college in a different city. Honestly, I wasn’t interested in doing that, because I was comfortable living off campus, and it was cheaper. I told my mom the truth, by letting her know that she needed to respect my decision. I couldn’t understand where she was coming from, as far as independence would go, but she will never understand what it feels like to be a college student. I wanted my mom to respect me as an adult, and to let her know that I’m capable of making my own decisions.
Parents do want what’s best for their children. At the same time, they need to step a side, and allow their children to make their own decisions. I’m thankful that I stood my ground, and I know what I want.
I’m really glad I found your post tonight. I needed it.
I am pretty sure my parents are mentally ill but in their culture it is considered a shame to talk about these things and the treatment is alcohol and drugs. I only wish I had mentally healthy parents I myself would have been so much healthier. Now I have to pick myself up and make sure I dont do it to my own children. They showed me how not to treat your chidren.
This is what I wanted to read: that forgiveness doesn’t happen overnight. I thought I forgave my mom, but feelings of resentment sometimes arise. Thank you for the reminder!
A child is not supposed to feel what my parents made me feel. The helplessness, the full blown panic. The fear will never go away. It’s always present. Paranoia. I’m a reclusive for my own sake. I’m as afraid of others as I’m afraid of myself. Whenever a conflict arises in the outside world, as minor as it may be, I automatically go fight-or-flight mode. All it takes is for someone to raise their voice. The paralysis, the sinking feeling in your stomach… everything takes me back to my childhood. The fear. The rage. The murderous instinct. It will never ever go away. I’m a scared piece of shit like my father, the difference is I don’t want a child to suffer me. I’ll never forgive my parents for not teaching me love, only a stern sense of responsibility towards family. I hate the world and everyone in it, yet I know damn well this is not how I feel even though I feel it. I want the fact that I’m a loser to eat at the core of their beings. The only reason I get along with my parents is because I don’t want to go homeless. I have no feelings left. Whenever I look at children, I start crying. How could anyone hurt kids? Not talking about a slap if he crosses the street without walking, I’m talking about taking a shower with your brother and out of nowhere you’re taking a belt to your buttocks. I guess it was to establish dominance or something. Fucking small dicked short genetically inferior piece of shit. Your lineage ends with me. Let my brother perpetuate the cycle of pain, as I’m pretty sure he will.
Hi, Anger makes us blind and disoriented. I was angry with my father for a long time, but as I grew up I realised that I am only hurting myself. I thought by not listening them and disagree with them make me different from them ,,, but it is the same thing they are doing to their loved one … To stop self destruction we have to take care of ourself … If we depend on others for our well being its never gonna happen… Others even your own parents only care for themselves … That’s why some of them incapable of love and forgiveness ….
I realized a few years ago that chronic pain, abuse, and deep insecurities are the reasons why they are who they are. I’ve been trying to let go and forgive, sometimes for both of our sake, sometimes just for my own. I am failing constantly. Every time I make some progress, I lash out and then I’m back down on his level. Because I know full well that I made the choice, over and over, not to learn from them, but to be angry and self destruct. The worst part is that I am still in my mid 20s, and I’m now an unpredictable, volatile person because of this this constant ‘resetting.’ They don’t even say anything anymore when I lash out at them. So I’m just like him, but worse.
Me too. I find myself lashing out at my parents, and then all of the old cycles are repeated. We need to remember that our parents created us, without them we would not be here at all and that is already something to be grateful for. It’s hard to keep centered, especially in those terrible and hateful moments, but I’m trying to come back to peace in those times, to breathe, and to remember myself. My parents don’t recognize me anymore as the docile child who accepted everything as a youngster, and they will never see that person again I am sure, but I’ve committed myself now to forgiving them for their angry outbursts I experienced growing up, and for their intermittent neglect. They were great parents in many ways also. I need to forgive them now to reach an inner peace within myself. Letting go. Good luck to you, good luck to everyone letting go
What do you do when your parents feel what they did was ok and that they’d do it again now that they know better?
Very beautiful article, but I guess everyone has different experiences, I’m 16 and I’ve never really been close with my parents, I don’t live with them now, I chose to study aboard, they came to visit me this holiday and that just made me extremely, extremely angry, I just feel like they’re disrupting my peace and routine or something. I don’t know how to talk to them, and I hate that I can’t go out to see my friends without feeling bad, sometimes I despise them so much it’s like I’ve made my own personal hell or something. I don’t know what to do.
Actually, my parents are kind. But they have an old mindset and resistant to change. I lived in dirty environment with my parents with dark light and rubbish around. Everytime I want to make it tidy or saying with my parents we must get rid of this stuff. They just said “later!!” but didn’t take any action! this makes me sucks. Don’t know what to do. Feel like I don’t have “me time”. We didn’t have personal room. Everyone together in same room. As time i take my own action to get rid own rubbish, my mother just keep scolding. What to do? I annoyed to them.
This reads like a magical fairy tale: “look! Forgive your parents! It will be tough, but then when you do, they will both magically become the people you always needed them to be.” Maybe this really happened, but in my experience, forgiving my mom is something I have to do every time I speak to her. She has not been changed by my forgiveness, just like she was not changed by my anger. Post like these with the wonderful happy endings make it seem so easy – you can have a new relationship in only MONTHS! Don’t be surprised if your forgiveness means nothing to your parents: you’re not doing it wrong!
Currently processing these things. I wish it could be as clean as making a choice to forgive and move on. But the consequences of poor parenting – no advice, no guidance, no practical preparation for relationships and adulthood, never knowing where you stand so you end up feeling insecure and inferior (which people can smell a mile away on you) – have unbelievably devastating effects on a person. I wish more people understood that having sex to produce a child is the easy, fun part. But your life’s work starts the second they’re born and it’s life/death seriously important that you get it right. What you do or don’t do for your children can either make or break their destiny. Yes, I said destiny. That’s what hangs in the balance of parenting.
I tried to talk to my mother about issues I have with my father and brother who have narcissistic personality disorder and she told me that “they did a perfect job raising me” even though they are toxic and lack any emotional support. My parents then chose not to see me anymore. I had already not gone to there house for a month and was trying to set boundaries on the relationship, like only seeing them in public, because they have to think about how they treat me and my family in front of others. I say boundaries are key and if they refuse the boundaries and continue to validate their mistreatment of you, it is time to walk away. I still am dealing with not seeing them and my hate for them and I do feel like forgiveness is a way to help move forward, but I anticipate it could take years to fully forgive.
I can empathize with your situation. I am an adult and no longer have a relationship with my parents. I try everyday not to repeat there mistakes with my own son. I have deep residing questions on whether to have more children and can relate to not wanted to repeat my parents mistakes. Please remember you deserve love and to be treated well.
I can relate. I’m certain my father & brother have narcissistic personality disorder and my whole family is toxic. I also, wished they were mentally healthy. That they would get help, but they don’t even acknowledge there is a problem. The taboo and shame they believe in seeking therapy, stops with them. In order for me not to repeat there mistakes, therapy has been key and helpful to both my son and myself.
People push for forgiveness too hard trying to sound morally superior and stuff, you don’t need to forgive because resentment / revenge are evolutionary defenses towards people that want to harm you. Stay NC buddy
The choosing not to see you anymore part could be to make sure you dont expose em or realizing that you’ve seen what they are so they wont be able to abuse you as effectively, rendering you worthless to them. I know you’ll get better though, don’t give up hugs
I’ll be 50 this year and I still detest both of my so-called parents. I wish I could just forget them because the forgiveness part is just too difficult right now.
I detest them for SO many different reasons but one of the main ones is the fact that they both act like I did something to THEM by being born! Like somehow my existence messed up THEIR lives.
At 15, my so-called mother told me that if she had it to do all over again, she would have had an abortion. I told her, I wish she did!!!
My so-called father’s excuse was that they were too young when they had me. Wherever… He is too busy being infatuated with his 2nd daughter from his 2nd marriage. He is currently on his 5th marriage now. But somehow I’M the “problem”. Yeah, right. Okay…
I have no love, sympathy or empathy for either one of them because they have none for me.
My firstborn and only son committed suicide last year and died the day before his 28th birthday. Do you think either one of them attempted to offer me any comfort, solace or support? Hell no! It’s all about THEM. And they know they can’t tell me sh*t because they were complicit in the circumstances that led to my son’s death. It’s called GUILT.
Truthfully, I don’t see any forgiveness anywhere on the horizon for either one of them in the near future. They don’t even care!
My contempt for them is so deep that if they die before I do… I will definitely have nothing to do with it. Nothing at ALL. They didn’t/still don’t care about me or love me anyway. I was just a burden and a child support payment.
This is a great article and topic but… everyone’s individual cases are unique when it comes to this and it’s not always as easy to forgive.
Being born to these two people is why I have never felt like I belonged anywhere and why I wish I was never born and don’t ever want to return. This experience has been ENOUGH.
Feeling unloved, unwanted and never good enough has been my life story.
At the end of the day, I just want to be left ALONE.
This was so good to read. It sounds like my story so I was glad to find it. My resentment towards my parents is affecting my life and decision to want children.
Yes . Anger is and has always been part of my life and guilt to go with it , guilt of not being able to make them happy . They aren’t and I’ve tried desperately in the past to do it until I became enraged then shut down . None of it works yet I don’t know how else to be . I don’t know exactly what forgiveness means because believe me it’s destroyed my life . I’m not sure about theirs .
Best wishes to you and your family. Lately I have developed a belief that its not a cultural thing but a human problem and people of all Nations and cultures have this issue but certain forces are trying to target certain groups as the only source of this issue in order to divide and to control and to manipulate their opinions and believes. Its FAKE in a way. Those who drum up these accusations at others are guilty of the same exact problem. Best of Luck!
Thank you so much for this . It really feels good to know someone faced the same struggles and got over them . 🙂 I needed this .
Your story is frighteningly real. If anything positive has come out of this though, know that your actions of writing what you have has opened my eyes to help me. Your story has helped me see that the magnitude of the situation I am facing is on a whole other level and I will begin the process of seeing that my Mum and Dad was not really that bad at all. Despite being kidnapped by my father when I was 7, Mum sending a PI out to find me, and then my father supplying me with cannabis to sell when I was 14, and then going away again because of it. Mum still loves me and encourages me, so at least I have that. My father, I don’t want anything to do with him even though he tried to do right. I believe he tried with the only way he knew how. His upbringing was not a bed of roses either. Thank you Shakti
Good for you.. Another twenty-something giving us yet another Hallmark/Little House on the Prairie moment. You call what you went through abuse? Puhleeze. Not everyone can have this kind of “happy ending”. There are many, many people whose happy ending regarding their abusive parents would be and is to never have to see them and never have to ever speak to them ever again.
am always sceptical with forgiveness as a cure for abuse. i know that because i went through life forgiving thieves and insulting people…. as a nicely saved christian.
those are past days.
nowadays i demand accountability. if a woman cheat on me she also has to deal with a breakup… not forgiveness.
a cuatomer who will not pay my swrvice bills will need to pray to their gods for me to give them service or that henceforth they have to pay for service in advance.
somehow this has restored my balance.
the cost has been heavy. lost family members…. literary. dumped baby mamas. did not even attend my abusive mothers funeral, absolutely with no regrets.
so i try to see where forgiveness features in all this. nowhere.absolutely nowhere.
my aelf esteem has healed. my finances have recovered. my life vision has clarified.
i am yet to make sense of what forgiveness really is or how useful it is. for the time i practised it it led led me to bad areas of life.
trully said. forgiveness seem to be the wrong medicine in dysfunruonal relationshionships. accountability seem to work better.
yeah. at some point a person awakes to a reality. a bas reality. in that reality… to have a life. a life you never had. your parents. the parents you would have done anything to be with. they have to go. to live. your parents have to cease to be in your life. its a bad choice. but better than
how did your father try to do right by recruiting you, his child, child as a drug dealer? would he do that to a child with loving parents without being beaten senseless? was it not becausr he was abusing his parental authority?
why dont you just accept the truth that he hated you and did not care about you? that ia the struggle some commenting here are dealing with. you are not alone.
remember that our parents created .. . are you sure? seem some parents were just having fun sex then …. oops i am pregnant.
This has helped me in a way I never thought anything else would
I spent so long trying to be good enough for my parents, that I forgot how to feel. Not only did I hide any anger from them, but I hid it from myself (I had no idea it was there until I read a book about a girl whose therapist kept coming back around to the idea that she is full of suppressed anger). I am trying to acquaint myself with it slowly, and am actually quite optimistic that once I feel all my feelings honestly (without suppressing or exaggerating them) I will be able to trust myself more because I know what’s there.
However, I am hoping to move out soon, maybe only temporarily because of financial reasons, because I think the distance could be helpful and it’s time.