“Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” ~Jack Canfield
Buried deep within the broken heart of every great loss is a nugget of wisdom. I experienced the greatest grief of my life just a few months ago, and with it came an opportunity to uncover ugly truths about myself I’d been hiding from.
In facing my pain, I have discovered that underneath the conscious, big-hearted, beautiful person that I am lives a small girl who is terrified of being misunderstood and abandoned by those she loves most.
The surface signs alerting me to these fears looked something like this:
My boyfriend and I are lying in bed reading one night. His mind is lit up in fiction while my soul is on fire with a spiritual book. We have often shared these evenings with one another, smiling and supportive.
This night I want more. I want him to be as excited about this chakra healing book as I am. I want him to crawl into my body and feel everything I’m feeling and see everything the way I’m seeing it.
I think he can feel me wanting more, and it freaks him out. He energetically hides in the bushes, further away than I’ve ever felt him go, and I panic.
The warning signs that go off in my body read: IF HE DOESN’T GET THIS HE IS GOING TO LEAVE YOU. DO YOU HEAR ME?! YOU ARE GOING TO END UP ALONE.
I don’t actually hear those words, I just feel a need to push my feelings onto him and basically tell him he’s wrong for not feeling the way I do. He looks at me with big, helpless eyes and responds:
“I think it’s okay that we’re different.”
I stare blankly back at him while an inner struggle ensues. I can feel my ego fighting. It wants to win. It wants him to see things my way. It wants to be right. It wants him to be just like me.
But I know better.
I move from my head to my heart, and I know it’s okay that we are different. What is important is that we love each other, respect each other, and support each other. So I melt into his arms with a smile, an apology, and a “You’re right.”
But I don’t let him be right. That night I do, but every incident after that I don’t. And he never says it again. He never reminds me that it’s okay that we’re different.
So the other times, later on, when he doesn’t see things the same way as me, the warning signals go off, and no one reminds me that it’s okay. So I panic, and I spin the fear into all kinds of stories that justify me bullying him into being like me. All because I’m afraid he is going to leave me.
And he did leave me.
There are many ways I could tell the Leaving Me story, but the truth is that it’s as complicated as human beings are. One part of it, the part I take responsibility for and the part I’m focusing on here, is that I fought his perspectives that were different from my own, leading him to feel like he couldn’t be himself with me.
I did this because I was afraid to lose him. I was afraid that if we were different in some big ways maybe we wouldn’t make it. I felt safe when we were agreeable and felt unsafe when his thoughts differed from mine.
But I was safe. I am always safe. A part of me knows this, but the part of me that comes to life when the fear arises is the part of me that needs a reminder. I didn’t know I needed to be reminded at the time. I didn’t even know I was doing it at the time.
But now I know. I just needed those simple words, “It’s okay.”
It’s okay that we’re different.
He is someone who doesn’t know how to fight for himself. It’s not something I understood about him at the time, but I see it now.
I am strong in my conviction. I am forthright. I speak my feelings decisively and with ease. He sweats and stutters, but mostly he shuts down.
I suspect he shuts down because he is afraid. He is afraid of losing himself, but really he is afraid that I won’t love him for who he truly is. He doesn’t trust that he can speak up, that he can challenge me, that he can tell me it’s okay and that I’ll believe him.
The tragedy is that I don’t know it. Neither of us knows it, really. We’re blind to our shadows, only seeing our own reflections after we’re over.
I don’t know he is shutting down because he’s scared, and I don’t know I am trying to make him see things my way because I’m afraid. It’s all this delicate dance that happens backstage, until one day he tells me he doesn’t feel like he can be himself with me, and everything comes crumbling down.
You might be thinking that we were too different, and maybe the truth is that I should be with someone who can share my excitement about chakras. I don’t know.
I do know I loved him more deeply than I’ve ever loved.
I know that our relationship was the healthiest, most beautiful relationship I’ve ever experienced.
I know that I messed up by not letting him be him completely, and I know that he messed up by not sharing his true feelings with me.
That is a lesson, yes. But there is a deeper lesson, and it’s a lesson about fear.
I acted controlling because his differences triggered my fear of abandonment, a nerve that runs all the way through my heart and back into my childhood. The irony isn’t wasted on me that my reaction to my fear inevitably created the very thing I was attempting to avoid. And that is the lesson.
When we act from fear we begin our journey to the guillotine.
Fear hides behind many guises, ruining plenty of love lives.
We’re afraid we’re unworthy of love, so we push our partner away when things get too intimate. We’re afraid to be abandoned, so we try to control the relationship or smother our partner. We’re afraid we won’t be accepted as we are, so we don’t show our true selves.
We act from fear when we’re too busy to pay attention, when we’re too stressed to slow down, when we make assumptions instead of asking questions. The very thing we are afraid of often becomes our reality when we live from our fears. It’s an act of self-sabotage.
Relationships are a beautiful opportunity to see ourselves more clearly, but we each have to be looking. You have to be willing to see you, and your partner must be willing to see them. And this all needs to move very slowly, very delicately, and very lovingly. It’s the way we make it through.
Fear has a million different faces, but your soul always knows the way. When you feel your body tense, when your voice rises, when you begin to shut down, when you begin to explode, when you run away, when you shake with anxiety, your body is telling you.
Slow down in those moments. Breathe. Let your breath open you up into the vulnerable space of love, and let it cocoon you until you can step out from that place.
Tell your partner all about it. Tell them about your fears, your discovery of your fears, and how they can help you through it. But don’t put it all on them. This is your work, and this is a practice, one that you have to keep coming back to over and over again.
You might need some gentle nudges along the way. It’s okay to be different. But if you keep showing up, and if you continue to be willing to see the truth about yourself you will break through the boundary of fear and into the heart of love.
About Michelle D'Avella
Michelle D’Avella is an author, Breathwork teacher and mentor. Her memoir, The Bright Side of a Broken Heart is available here. Download her FREE guide to heal your heart and follow her on Instagram for daily doses of inspiration.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
What a beautiful and thought provoking post! I will be adding the self talk/affirmation/mantra of “it’s okay that we are different” for sure because this is something I do as well, so I really appreciated reading this today! 🙂 I love when you summed up by saying “Slow down in those moments. Breathe. Let your breath open you up into the vulnerable space of love, and let it cocoon you until you can step out from that place.” BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!
This is amazing… I’ve been in a very bad spot in my relationship. I think my husband feels what your bf felt… He doesn’t recognize himself… He even dislikes himself for who he is because he’s different than I am. He has different morals, I’m strict. The funny part is that I don’t like his side because I fear it… I’m afraid I will lose him. I’m afraid our differences will make us break up. I’ve been in fear for so long and it made my relationship suffer. We are in a very bad spot now. We love each other but I made a lot of mistakes.
It’s because of my low self-esteem and fear. I made him feel bad for who he is out of fear.
This is amazing. I’m gonna read it million times.
I need to fix this…
Michelle,
Thanks for a wonderful, thoughtful post. The more I pay attention, the more I notice how fear is at the root of many if not all of my hasty, angry or otherwise negative reactions. You shed such simple light on the problem by boiling it down to fear causing us to set in motion exactly what we’re afraid of. Almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s amazing how comforting it can be to simply hear “it’s okay” from a partner or loved one. It lets us know that, even though our feeling might not be resolved, they are still there willing to work on things with you. What a lovely reminder. I like to use that line on myself, too, when I’m experiencing overwhelm. “It’s okay. I’m okay!”
Thanks again for sharing. 🙂
Anna
Hi Shannon. I’m glad it resonates. It’s a beautiful thing to see this while you’re still together. You have an opportunity to share with him your true feelings and discuss working together on the relationship. Best wishes to you.
Hi Anna!
I use it all the time on myself! So powerful. We have to be able to be there for ourselves first, whether or not our partners can. It truly is amazing to see how we create what we fear which is why it’s so important to face our fears so we can begin to live the lives we are truly worthy of.
haha I like it! Thank you. 🙂
Thank you! It’s incredible what we’re capable of seeing when we slow down, breathe, and ask ourselves to look more deeply.
2 weeks ago, I found out that my partner of 2 years had another lady in the wings, who on call flirted and made him feel special. This man was truly the love of my life and I believe I was his…. I pushed him away with exact abondoment feelings you have described. I made him feel that he wasn’t living up to the mark, that he needed to be able to “get” me and know my every need. I too wasn’t aware of my actions until it was too late…. Was he the right man for me… I don’t know, perhap not… Our relationship, although highly passionate was volitle and unstable…. He was reactionary and resorted to anger if felt threatened or felt attacked… So perhaps at the end of the day our split, although incredibly difficult and painful for both of us… was inevitable. Now the journey of healing, learning and growing….. hoping I find the answers and learn that it’s ok to “just be”….
This is so apt for me today. I am going through a difficult time with depression and grief. I am thinking of myself as ‘hard work’ and broken. I feel I have so many issues and am so complex whereas my boyfriend is so normal. So I am trying to push him away.
I have a deep fear of abandonment and now I just feel anger towards everyone and that I would be better off alone (and with my 1 year old son).
I want to have a ‘normal’ life but fear I can’t because I am so broken. I doubt I can be fixed.
Hi Louisa. We are all capable of growth. It’s important to be compassionate with yourself. Try sharing your feelings with your boyfriend so you have some support as you work on things. Finding a coach or mentor or therapist to support you in understanding yourself during this time would be very beneficial as well.
Hi Sally. Thank you for sharing your story. I trust that we will be lead to the right thing if we open our hearts to ourselves and others. Living in fear closes our hearts off. This is a tremendous opportunity for you to learn about yourself and how to choose love over fear.
I also relate to this and think it’s a beautiful recount of how fear dominates our subconscious. We can manifest exactly what we don’t want just by the existence of fear. What I want to call attention to is the other person. Of course it’s impossible to tell what is going on inside of the people who did the leaving in these stories. We will never know. But I was recently the receiver of the bad news after a 6 month long relationship I thought could be the love of my life. We never fought, we got along, we had fun, we communicated regularly, we are both spiritually inclined and believe in continuous improvement.
When I noticed him making commitments but not keeping them I pointed out that I did not ask for these promises and it would be better if he didn’t make them. Just be yourself, I encouraged him. Do what you want to do. Essentially, “it’s okay… you’re okay”. Then one day I straight called him up and asked about it. What did I mean to him? Where did I stand in his list of priorities? Did he really care about me as a long term relationship or just until something else came along? He was dumbfounded. I assured him it was a good conversation for us to have – but he should think on it before responding as I really wanted his honesty.
A couple days later he completely went cold on me but talked to me, professing he cared for me and wanted to communicate with me and take it a day at a time. He wasn’t sure he could give me what I want and suddenly found stories and excuses for why he couldn’t.
He said his psyche put up walls and began shutting down feelings and disappointing me was the last thing he wanted to do. Even though he said he wanted to try, to be with me, he loved me, again, he didn’t act it. We split – silently a couple weeks later.
I have to realize that I have every right to feel exactly how I feel. My fears didn’t come out of nowhere with this person. I had reasons to question his integrity and his intention. People change. Overnight sometimes.
Looking back, (even at the time), I saw the risk of getting involved with this man. He showed definite signs of codependency. He had not maintained a healthy romantic relationship ever in his life. He also showed signs of love avoidance – an attachment disorder that manifests in opposite ways a typical abandonment attachment does. Love avoidants fear the same rejection as abandonment-fears do. But instead of deepening intimacy through sharing and exploring, they run. They shut down. They find another partner who expects less of them. They may have addictions – addictions which may show up well into the relationship when we feel they are really stable and healthy.
I say this because it sounds like these great posts are all from people who are very aware, very insightful, honest, open, and thoughtful. We must consider that the person on the other end might not be where we are … and may never be. Don’t shoulder all the “blame” for what went wrong. It takes two.
Blessings!
Like others have pointed out, sometimes the root of this fear has already manifested in reality. There’s a huge difference between projecting fears onto someone and having them become incapable or misaligned with your vibration and intention. I don’t think it’s healthy to apply this article to every relationship; there are many people out there who get off on playing someone’s fears, gaslighting, and emotional abuse. Sometimes it’s not about the mindset but recognizing that toxic individuals will never live up to the expectations of a healthy relationship. If you’re dating one of these people, cut the cord.. nothing you can change within you will ever be enough.
Hi Cynthia! Thank you so much for your insightful message. I can completely resonate to your story and thoughts on the topic. It always takes two. Any relationship in life is a dynamic. I do not blame myself for my ex leaving. Ultimately he was incapable of (or unwilling to) show up and face into his own fears in our relationship. But that doesn’t mean there’s not a great lesson here for me to learn about myself, and that is what I’m specifically speaking about. It can be so easy to focus on the other person and glaze over the areas we need work ourselves. As someone who is committed to self growth I want to see everything so I can have a better relationship next time. Even if it’s 99% our partner there is always 1% for us to look at about ourselves. It’s not about blame. It’s about seeing the truth and healing.
thanks from the bottom of my heart. I’ve suddenly seen where I’ve been going wronge
I have been friends with a lady for many years and over the last year we began spending lots of time together. she has been married and been divorced for many years. She was involved in a 2 year relationship that ended with her heart broken where she was giving 100% and the man was not doing enough to be with her. She ended the relationship. Know here i come and let me 1st say I have always been attracted to her and thought here is my opportunity to finally get a chance to be with this woman. I showed her who I was and my feelings of unconditional love , completely re did her home and worked side by side on many home projects, family issues, – celebrated her in her new career and gave her so much emotional support and unconditional love and treated her they way i knew she derserved to be treated , broke down many walls i believe that she had put up to protect herself and she allowed me in so i continued in hopes that eventually she would see i was the one for her and we made a great couple…. all around her would say how lucky she was she had me in her life and she often acknowledged the same and questioned why she derserved anything. so you get the picture very close … never sexual however every other aspects of our relationship- friendship was that of a couple.
So here is the rub- she declined a dinner invite by me and said another time as she had a date !!! i lost it
Thank you.
Love this!!!! Thank you so much for sharing. It’s just what I needed to hear. Synchronicity.
This is such an awesome piece. I am slowly becoming more aware of when I am manifesting my fears. The changes in my body etc.
I understand some of the comments that this article may not apply to all relationships, toxic and harmful ones for example. But in a healthy relationship, seeing yourself in that mirror and being able to conquer something such as our fears, can really strengthen that container if we let it. I believe it also helps us to hone our intuition, get out of our heads a little and find that balance by trusting ourselves and our path.
You’re welcome!
You’re welcome. 🙂
Glad to hear. 🙂
I totally agree, Erica. It’s important to reflect on ourselves without creating reducing the complexity of the relationship down to our own flaws.
I have been some research into many areas why my relatiinship broke down with a very beautiful and intelgent woman that I live very deeply. I could not understand certain things about our relatiinship and have searching for answers. I came across this article and it has open my eyes up so much.
I can relate to all aspects of this.
My ex partner has gone through some lkss and separation in her life. The actions of the lady in this article was her and of coarse the man’s role was me.
I just shut down and pulled myself away as so many things I did was interpreted as not loving her when she was at the forefront of my mind all the time.
I expected her yes’s and her no’s with out question. Loved her and respected her for them but when I said no i was treated with mistrust and fear.
I did not understand it and felt I could not fight it and had to walk away sometimes. I think this just made it worse.
She has now left me and I am so heart broken. The worst part is she is not prepared to recognize her part in this story and work on this together.
I just have to be resigned to fact that it is her journey as well and let her find her own way…
Live something, let it go kind if thing.
Any advise out there..?
Sorry for the type o’s