“The heart is like a garden: it can grow compassion or fear, resentment or love. What seeds will you plant there?” ~Jack Kornfield
I was all set to float effortlessly through life on a cloud of peace. I was trained mediator, had a Masters Degree in Peace Education, led workshops on constructively managing conflicts, and had a lifelong interest in creating interpersonal understanding. Yet, here I was, ready to wring his neck.
I’ve found it’s always easier to help others solve their conflicts than it is to deal with your own—there’s none of that pesky “emotional intensity” or “personal baggage” getting in the way.
People sought me out for help with their conflicts, but when I felt attacked or threatened, it was suddenly a whole other ball game.
When we first started dating, I found that there were things that my husband would do or say that left me feeling really upset, and my responses definitely weren’t constructive. Embarrassingly, my go-to was “the silent treatment.” Sigh.
Logically, I knew better. More importantly, I had spent years building the skills to do better. So, why wasn’t I using what I knew?
Simple answer: I didn’t want to. All the skills, knowledge, and tools in the world mean nothing if I lacked the intention to use them.
So, then the next obvious question is: Why didn’t I want to?
In conflict literature, there’s a term called a “retaliatory spiral.” As humans, we have a tendency to retaliate to hostile behavior with an even higher level of hostility, thus escalating the conflict.
Furthermore, even if neither person wants an escalation, each one feels entirely justified in their response, based on how they were treated. It’s the same principle as giving someone “a taste of their own medicine,” and it leads to conflicts that spiral out of control, becoming harder and harder to resolve.
Clearly this kind of behavior is destructive, yet we’ve all done it at some point and have probably felt pretty justified in doing so.
See, some kinds of conflict threaten our sense of self. The fact that another person seems to have the power to hurt us makes us feel weak, unstable, and unsafe.
In order to defend this sense of self and feel stronger, we may attempt demonstrate our own power to hurt them back. Mature? No. Helpful? Definitely not. Kind of understandable? Yes.
Personally, I hated how vulnerable I felt when my husband did something that hurt my feelings. I felt scared that he had the power to make me feel so upset.
Giving him the cold shoulder felt like a way to hide this “weakness” and assert my own power to hurt him. It also was a way to protect my ego, because by not talking things out I could avoid challenging my current belief system, thus maintaining the belief that I was right and he was wrong.
So even though I had all the hard-earned communication and conflict resolution skills I needed to work through the problem, create increased communication, and build understanding, I wasn’t going to use them; creating increased understanding and connection wasn’t my intention. My intention was to defend myself. So that’s exactly what I did.
The problem was that by focusing on defending myself, I was basically putting all my energy into avoiding what I didn’t want—pain and suffering—instead of into creating what I actually did want. Deep down, I wanted way more than simply not getting hurt, but I wasn’t working toward it.
What I desired was a relationship of trust, honesty, and openness; one where we each had the courage to share what we were really feeling, and would listen to one another with an intent to understand rather than judge. One where we would have compassion for each other’s failings and work to strengthen one another (even when we were upset) rather than tear each other down.
This was the future I really wanted for us, and I knew that my current responses to our conflicts, while easy and comfortable, weren’t going to get us there.
So I started to shift my intention. Instead of having it be about protecting myself in the moment, my intention became to respond to conflicts in a way that would set a foundation for the kind of beautiful future relationship I envisioned.
It was only then that I was able to start putting all my conflict resolution knowledge and skills to use.
That isn’t to say that it was easy. Actually, it was hard, especially in the beginning.
It required me opening up when I felt most vulnerable. Moving toward, when I wanted to retreat. Taking responsibility for my part, when I wanted to dump the blame on him. Trying to listen with compassion when I felt frustrated or fed up. But, with a clear intention in mind, I did all these things and more.
Now, looking back, I’m so glad I did.
Today, one of the things my husband and I most prize about our relationship is the way we communicate with one another, especially during conflicts. We do all the things I had envisioned when I first set my intention, and I feel a huge sense of accomplishment in knowing that this was no accident, but something we consciously created.
Intentions can be conscious or unconscious, but everything you say or do will be based on an intention.
We all have a lower self that operates mainly from a place of fear, weakness, and limitations; and a higher self, one operating from a place of love, strength, and creativity. Before engaging in a conflict, I recommend setting a clear intention that is aligned with your values and the desires of your higher self.
Here’s some questions I ask myself in order to do this. I call it the “Where, Who, What, How” model.
Where is my focus? Is it short-term or long-term? Is it based in love or fear?
Who do I want to be? What kinds of qualities do I want to embody?
What do I want to create?
How do I want others to perceive or describe me?
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What’s helped you work through conflict in your relationships?
About Brooke Wichmann
Brooke Wichmann is the Associate Director of Conflict Resolution within the Student Resolution Center at Colorado State University. Brooke has seven years of experience working in the conflict resolution field. She is a certified conflict management coach and is licensed to administer the Conflict Dynamics Profile assessment. She attained an M.A. in Peace Education from the United Nations Mandated University for Peace.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Great piece! Intentions are everything and help us focus on making it better and give us the strength and power to create what is best.
This post is all good but it just blames our self. That f there is a conflict it is all our fault. You can always be patient, kind and loving in situation of conflict in a relationship. But how long? the other partner has to understand it and also return the same. They can take you for granted particularly when they are selfish or self absorbed and wont notice it. So sometimes getting angry or frustrated in a situation when they cant understand, I believe there is nothing wrong in that. We are humans. It also shows how it affects you. I really dont understand why always this self help pieces only blames one selves. Its not always our mistake.
Thanks for taking the time to comment, Lori! I appreciate the feedback and am glad you found the article helpful. 🙂
Hi Alexandria,
You bring up some really good points. I agree that it is totally ok to get angry and frustrated and to allow oneself to show those feelings to others. I also think that for a relationship to work, both partners need to work to be compassionate and understanding towards one another.
The point I meant to convey is that doing inner work to better understand my own needs, feelings, and reactions, can help me respond more mindfully to conflict situations. Rather than act out of fear, or habits of behavior that don’t really serve me, I can clarify my intention and act in a way that helps me create the kind of relationship I really want.
Hi Broo, Yes, I am glad you agree with both partners need to be understanding and loving towards what the other has to say. Also whatever bothers to rectify it lovingly. Yes, I get it what you mean the way you would like to respond in those situations. I am very happy to hear you both have managed it too.
Thanks Alexandria, me too! 🙂
I really appreciate you taking the time to share your ideas and perspectives; they are a great addition to the conversation.
I really enjoyed reading this. I am 25 years old and entering a new relationship, really for the first time I am committing to a long term serious relationship and living with someone.
A lot of the time I know I am the one having the hard time and I blame issues on myself, but when I get help and speak to support they reassure me that what I am feeling and experience is because of the situation I am in and the person I am with. I was also told that if I was going to stay in this relationship it will be a lot of work because the other person needs to make changes.
Saying all that, I love my boyfriend immensely, but how can I find the patience, control and positivity I need to get to the point where I can utilize some of the conflict resolution skills you speak about?
I do need to say sitting back in my office at work I admire this article greatly, I just need to develop these skills further and find a peace within myself I guess before I can get to this point.
Interesting article, I’d love to see a mock script of the kind of things you say during one of these scenarios, just as a further example of how it can work.
I am curious about where abuse fits in this scenario – what if one person in the equation is so stuck in fear/needs control to feel worthy that their pattern is to abuse emotionally to gain a sense of control, and when the other party takes a stand they are attacked and undermined and so flees to self-protect? This relationship has no future as far as I can tell, when abuser is unwilling to admit their fears and attacks, unless the attacked party rolls over and says ‘walk all over me’. How do you confront an abuser with love, when they are unwilling to open and listen, and simply want to destroy you to make themselves feel better?
Hi, inthebliss. Thanks for the thoughtful question. Here’s my take:
I think it’s important to do your own inner work to understand your feelings, needs, and desires in a relationship and use that awareness to take more mindful action. That said, a relationship is a co-creation between people and the best relationships occur when two people have a similar vision of what they want to create and are willing to both work towards that. If one wants an equal, respectful, and emotionally safe relationship, yet their partner does not want that, the relationship probably won’t ever be very satisfying, no matter how much inner work one does.
Also, I think it’s important to act lovingly towards ourselves as well as others. I think that refusing to accept abusive behavior is a loving thing to do for yourself and the other person. So can walking away if you find that a relationship is not healthy for you. Not every relationship is meant to last forever.
Hi Brooke – Really great post! I have some definite struggles in my relationship with my girlfriend and as much as I want to put the blame on her, I know that I also have my role to play.
BTW, have you read Brene Brown’s book “Daring Greatly”? She talks a lot about the importance of vulnerability in relationships and how our culture discourages the very same. You might enjoy it. 🙂
Fantastic post!!! Thank you for sharing your experience, insight, and a great checklist of questions! 🙂
Thank you! I’m so glad you found here. 🙂
Hi Ed, thanks for your kinds words. I LOVE Brene Brown! She’s a big inspiration for me.
Hi Lady Red,
Thanks for your honesty in sharing your relationship challenges. Intimate relationships can be one of the most rewarding but challenging things we can experience. Be kind and gentle with yourself as you are entering a new stage of intimacy with someone. Cultivating the kind of peace and skills you mention take time, so have patience and don’t expect perfection. Most of all, make sure that regardless of what happens in the relationship, you keep loving and accepting yourself.
Hi Flo,
That’s a good idea! I don’t have anything like that right now, but I’ll think about possibly developing something like you describe. Thanks for the feedback!
What about if you are full of compassion and love and only want to help the other person. i recently just ended a 2 year relationship that was “supposed” to be a long-term bond (marriage, etc). I had to end it because i was giving love and compassion and when she left for the summer she became a “out-of-sight out-of-mind” person. I was the one working on the relationship, trying to grow, making myself be better. She would hardly talk to me anymore and whenever i brought it up she would blame me, she would find ways to not take responsibility on herself. She basically ignored me and my feelings. I was living in fear of what she was doing and “who” she was doing. I finally had enough. I told her i couldn’t do this and my needs were not being met. She just said okay. Then it hit me. She really didn’t care and/or she was with someone else. I’ve been safely distancing myself from her by not communicating with her anymore. She then all of a sudden started talking to me. Saying if i am alright, and “showing” genuine concern. (which i think is BS, since she never showed it before the break-up) she is doing it because she feels guilty. She also used passive-aggressiveness to get what she wanted by saying, What if i had something important to say? What then? You better not be ignoring me and blowing me off. (like she was blowing me off before we broke up.) funny how that works. I was just choosing not to talk to her. So i finally asked her (this is all on text by the way since she doesn’t pick up the phone). When is good time for you to talk? (call not text) not tonight though. She replied so you have been ignoring me this whole time? So she ignored what i had said earlier and i replied, I’ll talk with you later. Then she said, No. You Won’t. See you never……That to me was pretty hateful. So should i keep showing compassion? Or should i just still not communicate with her? I still am very much in love with her and believe she can be the woman she can be. But she has to want it, i can’t save her. But i would love to be beside her and know that i support her. I just can’t be with someone who tries to hurt me or shows no empathy. So i assume i should keep doing what i am doing and focus on me? Don’t speak with her?
Hi Matthew, your words show how complex and challenging relationships can be. It sounds like a painful place for you to be in. I think you are right when you say “I can’t save her”. As much as we have to offer someone, they have to want what we offer. I can’t tell you what do to, but I would say trust your intuition and make sure whatever actions you take are based in love and compassion for yourself.
I am in exactly this situation with my partner and I found this article very helpful. I have a habit of having strong emotional responses to my partner and I think this will help me remain calm and keep my focus on the issue, not on wanting to prove a point. We have terrible fights and usually it comes down to neither one of us wanting to back down. We both want to be “right”. The problem is, I am actively seeking ways to end this cycle. I admit my own faults and apologize when I am wrong. And I ask him to do the same. I ask him to see his side in things, to understand how the things he says and does can be hurtful. But instead of really looking at himself he just responds that I am too sensitive or that I get angry too easily. He never seems able to see that his actions and words sometimes are the cause of my response. I, too, use the silent treatment tactic a lot. Not as punishment but because I’m afraid of what to say. He often tells me I need to just accept him the way he is, and that seems to me to be saying he is not willing to work with me on changes that our relationship needs. I really want this to work, I love him for the man that he is, but I’m worried we’ll just continue this downward spiral. Can you offer any advice on how to get the other person in a relationship to see their part in conflict and to take responsibility for their own need to change? Thanks so much for your thoughtful guidance.
Hi Worried,
Thanks for reaching out and sharing what you’re going through. I know many people will be able to relate to your experience. One of my favorite authors on the topic of relationships is Dr. John Gottman who has put decades of scientific research into what makes relationships thrive or fail. He found that for relationships to be successful both partners must “accept influence” from one another. He defines that is as respecting and showing concern for each other’s feelings, concerns, desires, and opinions – even if one does not share them. His research shows that while woman generally accept influence from their partners, many men struggle with this (not all men, but more than half in his studies). Your partner wants you to accept him for who he is, but he doesn’t seem to be accepting of your thoughts and feelings. I would recommend checking out Dr. Gottman’s book: “The 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work.” Even if you’re not married, it contains a lot of great information could be helpful in your situation. I hope this is helpful to you.
Thanks for your post on tiny buddha about conflict and relationships. I shared it, hoping all my fellow ministers and chaplains might read it. It’s easy to feel frustrated at the expectation by others that our skills be active 24/7, but ultimately I (and I think others) started this journey with the hope my training would infuse itself in all parts of my life. The pressure to deny our own dark emotions is even stronger for emotional/spiritual caregivers, which creates this dissonance of self. Your blog states this beautifully and illustrates the benefit of resolution well.
I second this. I wasn’t in an abusive relationship, just a neglectful ones. My feelings or perspective were just an opinion and his were the way the world was, in his eyes. I spent a year working on being more accepting and trying to let flow and not have expectations. I’m grateful for that, it made me a better person. After a year, we were doing long distance and I had asked him to please try and contactme more. He said he would call me that night. 5 nights later with no word from him I realized I could be understanding until the cows came home, but I still wasn’t in a relationship that met my needs. So we broke up and now I’m with a guy that I don’t have to constantly tell myself not to have reasonable expectations of, who values me and cares when I’m upset.
I loved this article and I’ll save it. I I work with conflict too, and for me it’s similar, learning how to really listen and inhabit that sort of uncomfortable space when you hear things you don’t want to. When two people feel heard, really heard, I think they can move forward.
<3…I remember, when #TonyRobbins taught me, "Some people need to #LearnWhatToDo, some people need to learn, to #DoWhatTheyKnow, & some people have learned to, #Symphonically_LiveInLove"…how are you #Feeling today, Brooke (Spiritually/Mentally/Physically)?
…as an American of #AfricanAncestry, with a #ProSports pedigree, teaching #Empathy & NVC (#NonViolentCommunication), with my Father (who's #LGBT), I enjoyed how all my favorite #Inspirationalists, popped in my head, while reading your article!
Wayne Dyer's '#Transformation', came to mind, especially the way he describes #Forgiveness (function of #PeaceOfMind, letting go of conflict…function of #Love, letting go of fear…& a function of #Kindness, letting go of the need to be right)! As I've evolved, so has my Understanding of Kindness, which I've updated to "re-evaluating the construct of morality, in general" (& when that concept is deleted, conflict takes on, a whole different manifestation…make sense?)
…the other person, that entered my Consciousness, was the architect of NVC (Marshall Rosenberg), & his meme, around "We aren't responsible, for another's #EmotionalPain, & it's not our responsibility to fix em…only to #ConnectWithThem"…so if almost all Communication, is a #PleaseOrAThankYou, with a request for #ConnectionOrAction, resolving conflict (via Empathy), becomes #SymphonicallyLivingInLove…feel me? 😉
Thanks for the read, Love SiMBa (#SpiritMindAndBody, aka #TonyScruggs)
PS #ThoughtExperiment: If "like/that", after "feel", describes #BeliefsAndThoughts (along with being a metaphor precursor, which by definition, moves it away from being a feeling), can we adjust the #EnergyField, by prefacing our comments with "I Believe…I Imagine…I Think…IMHO…it seems"? (where 'feels like/feel that', becomes '#SeemsLike/#ThinkThat')…One way to refrain from the game of #WhosRight, & engaging in #RightFights 😉
Dear Regan,
I’m very touched by your words. I agree that there can indeed be immense pressure for those of us in a role of peacemaker/caregiver to always be “on” and to deny unpleasant thoughts or feelings that emerge within ourselves. I feel validated by you sharing your own experience of this and am so glad that you found this article helpful. Wishing you all the best.
This was an insightful read on working towards a more healthy relationship. I will definitely practice this more as I’ve been guilty of similar events that you referenced in this article.
As for me, I’ve been in talks with an ex for the past two years with hopes that we can reach the moments that brought us together in the first place. We were in a long relationship that took a downhill spiral once our child was born. One would think that birth to a beautiful baby would bring on a more fruitful relationship.
Needless to say we still hit a wall when it comes to effective communication. It’s exhausting and it brings me to the point of not wanting to make basic conversation. I’m the type of person that will attempt to work things out up until its official that the other party doesn’t have that same vision.
I know that’s not doing myself any good by indirectly accepting treatment that doesn’t promote growth or a feeling of wanting to promote growth together. I have some work to do but I’m all for it. If nothing happens between the ex and I then this practice will be used in future relationships.. Thanks again for this article.
Hi learningisliving,
Thanks for the positive feedback! I am honored to hear that you found this article helpful. I really admire your willingness to do your own inner work in relationships and your commitment to fostering deeper connection and growth, in this relationship or future ones. Wishing you all the best.
Hi Brooke, This piece really resonated with me. In my case, I would replace “silent treatment” with frustrated outbursts and then reminders (aka nagging). I am embarassed by my behavior, but I am becoming more concious of it. I would like to work toward shifting my intention and learining to create a better foundation so I do not feel the need to protect myself from the mindless hurts. I also need to learn to cope with the hurt, let it go and trust it will get better. Can you recommend additional reading?
Hi TJScott,
Those are some great relationship goals. Here are some books you might find helpful:
Non-violent communication – Marshall Rosenberg
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work – John Gottman and Nan Silver
A Course in Miracles – The Foundation for Inner Peace
Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames – Thich Nhat Hanh
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way we Live, Love, Parent and Lead – Brene Brown
Hope this is helpful to you!