“Confidence isn’t ‘They will like me.” It’s ‘I’m perfectly fine if they don’t.’ ” ~Unknown
After the death of my husband, I spent my thirties as a single mother of four children. It was a tough decade. I often felt lonely and frustrated, and dating was a nightmare.
I constantly gorged on self-help books, hoping that they’d reveal whatever my “problem” was so that I could fix it and finally find the love I so desperately craved.
Many of these well-intentioned books contained dating tips designed to make someone fall in love with me. They invited me to steal hearts, catch and keep partners, and otherwise engineer my romantic success by adopting certain behaviors considered to be desirable.
Could it really be as simple as getting off the phone first, not returning a phone call, or saying that I was busy even though I was home folding laundry? Since I really wanted love and it was for the good of all, I thought, “Why not? All’s fair in love and war, right?” The thing is, these strategies never worked for me.
Perhaps you can relate. You want to share your life with someone, and you’re more than willing to do what it takes to make that happen. Maybe you hope to learn a few easy hacks so that you can check finding love off your to-do list and get on with your life.
We’d all like to find a fast and easy way to get the things we want, myself included. Unfortunately, looking for the easy way didn’t work for me, and it wasn’t until I accepted that and got down to business that I attained any results worth achieving.
The problem with relying on dating strategies like these is that they only address behaviors, not beliefs. Your behaviors are important, but it’s your beliefs that drive them.
If you don’t address the source of your behaviors, lasting change won’t be possible and your behaviors and beliefs won’t be consistent. This is why some people seem “fake” and other people who do the exact same things come off as genuine.
Many relationship books encourage us to behave in ways that are consistent with having confidence and valuing ourselves highly. If you don’t truly value yourself, acting like you do might mask this fact, but eventually the truth will come out.
No amount of game playing will turn you into a high-value person. Believing in your own value and acting accordingly will.
Take an honest look at yourself with a true desire to discover, not criticize yourself. Be loving and gentle with yourself and be curious.
Are you treating yourself well? Do you establish and keep good boundaries in your relationships and at work? Do you stand up for yourself when you need to? Are you taking good care of your body, finances, and home?
Listen to the thoughts you have about yourself. Are you kind to yourself in your own mind? Do you beat yourself up constantly? What do you truly believe about your own worth? Whatever your beliefs are, your relationships will eventually reflect them, regardless of which dating strategies you try.
If you know that you aren’t valuing yourself highly, address that instead of pretending in an attempt to convince someone else to value you. A person of high value will naturally command respect, without counting the minutes until it’s acceptable to return a text or agonizing about whether or not to give someone a call.
How can you begin to value yourself and show up in the world as a confident person? Will you eat healthy foods? Get enough rest and exercise for your own well-being, not just so that you can look good on dates? How about saying no to working late for the fourth day in a row and cancelling plans with your friends (again)?
Are you willing to set boundaries for how you will be treated in relationships? What do you do when your date is late, doesn’t call when he or she promised, or is inconsiderate? Do you ignore it and hope they will change or do you address the issue?
Choosing to treat yourself well isn’t selfish; it’s necessary for a healthy self-esteem. We all value people who are confident and value themselves. People will treat us the way we teach them to. It’s never too late to make a new choice.
Games like not calling or playing hard to get are intended to help us behave how a naturally confident person would behave. It’s always better to cultivate genuine confidence than it is to fake it. True confidence comes from valuing ourselves.
Once we reach adulthood, it’s our responsibility to create the lives we wish to lead. Accepting this responsibility can be daunting at times, but it’s one of the most empowering things we can do for ourselves. No one else can do this for us, as much as we wish they could.
When we step up and decide to lead the best lives possible, commit to being the people we want to become, and refuse to back down when it’s hard, we will value ourselves more highly and inspire others to do the same.
Ultimately, this is much more rewarding than pretending to be busy on Saturday night and refusing to take phone calls at certain times.
As for me, I finally learned how to make better choices and found real love instead of relying on tips and tricks. It has made all the difference.
About Renée Suzanne
Renée Suzanne is a coach for smart, successful women who want to find love. Her two books, Beloved – How to Go from Relationship Challenged to Relationship Ready and Ten Things You Can Do to Upgrade Your Love Life are available on Amazon. She also has over 150 inspiring videos on her YouTube channel. Want more love in your life? Check out her free course at reneesuzannecoaching.com. You can also follow her on Facebook.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thanks. Wonderful article
Hi Renee,
What a great article. You have just described something so essential for meaningful relationships to form. I hope many people will get the chance to read this and understand how much important it is to be genuine and authentic to form a meaningful relationship rather than putting on fake persona to impress others.
Another very important thing you described ” Choosing to treat yourself well isn’t selfish; it’s necessary for a healthy self-esteem”. When you look for your validation outside you will never have high self esteem.
I had to learn all this through my last relationship. It has been very painful but worth it.
Thank you so much
Thank you! One of the best ways to learn about yourself and others is to be in relationships. I’m glad that you’re able to come from a place of gratitude now. 🙂
Thanks! I’m so glad you enjoyed it.
I think what people misunderstand (including myself, for many years) is the difference between intentionally tweaking your behavior (not texting back right away, lying and saying you’re busy, etc.) and actually being a little unavailable sometimes because you’re busy living an awesome life. It’s about cultivating an enriched, fulfilling life for yourself where you’re doing the activities YOU want to do, treating yourself well, taking yourself out.
When a potential romantic partner comes into your life, you don’t call them back after 2 hours because you’re carefully calculating your response time; you call them back after 2 hours because you’re busy in yoga class, or volunteering, or seeing a movie, or doing something elso that is fulfilling to you. The trick is, not to totally abandon all these things at the drop of a hat when you start seeing someone.
Also FWIW, guys/gals who genuinely like you and are worth being in a relationship with are not turned off by your being available or calling them back right away. In my experience “playing hard to get” just ends up attracting people who are turned on by the chase but quickly get bored once you stop running.
Very true! There’s a huge difference between living your life genuinely and being manipulative. You also raise an excellent point regarding the types of people who may be attracted to a seemingly unavailable person who requires a lot of chasing.
“Are you willing to set boundaries for how you will be treated in relationships? What do you do when your date is late, doesn’t call when he or she promised, or is inconsiderate? Do you ignore it and hope they will change or do you address the issue?”
I notice you say “address the issue” but, don’t offer any advice on how exactly *to* address the issue nor, how to respond during the aftermath of a potential confrontation. It’s easy to say “let’s talk about this” but, many times the other person doesn’t want to change. The confrontation can lead to an argument, then bitterness, then collapse of a relationship.
Now, perhaps the relationship should be collapsed. Especially, if the other person is so manipulative and self-centered that they don’t want to change or be open to a “talk”. In my experience, no one ever wants to have “a talk”. The mere mention of it can lead to anxiety in either party. This is why so many people would rather keep quiet and avoid a potential disaster (and the inevitable depression that follows).
It would worthwhile for you to discuss how to approach a discussion on boundaries in a relationship, rather than just tell people to stick up for themselves. I believe most people understand they need to in “theory” but, in practice it may be much more difficult.
@starrival:disqus heyy, this is my view on how to go about this topic due to personal experience:
I think when a situation occurs where you feel the need to bring something up it is important to discuss it even if the other person doesn’t want to( your intuition is never wrong) , in order to avoid an ’emotional build up’ which happens ( usually when things are left unsaid) within relationships. the old saying is ‘Its better out then In’
I had a similar issue where I have been hesitant in bringing things up just to avoid any sort of ‘conflict’. however recently i have begun to be honest in my relationships and it is working out great, THE TRUTH IS BE REAL TO WHAT YOUR SELF IS SAYING TO YOU even if at the time the other person is not ‘In the mood’ at the end of the day there is no ‘tension’ and both party’s are happy as one of is being true to how we really feel.
Hope this helps !
Peace & Love x
This was pretty solid up to that point. You shouldn’t be playing games trying to get a guy to ask you out… but there is nothing wrong with a woman asking a guy out either.
I agree that that would be a great idea for another post, but a full discussion on boundaries was beyond the scope of this article. Thanks for the feedback.
Absolutely nothing wrong with asking a guy out if that’s what you’d like to do and it feels right for you. Many women prefer to be pursued, but it’s not universal.
It’s unbelievably silly to miss a good night out, just in order to pay ‘hard to get’ It’s your attitude to yourself and to life which is the determining factor
Thank you for this; it’s just what I needed to read.