“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.” ~Robert Brault
I’ve always tried to distance myself from people who are rude, overly aggressive, and mean. But sometimes we become tied to people who might not have our best interests at heart.
One summer I became involved with a coworker who was at a bad spot in his life. I thought I could help him through this tough time, but just like a swimmer drowning in a pool, he grabbed on and ended up drowning me when I reached out and tried to save him.
After several months of verbal and psychological abuse, I finally realized that the situation was out of my control. That night, after I got up to get a glass of water, he followed me into the kitchen and started yelling at me to get back into his room.
I did as I was told but I was not happy about it. He noticed my shift in mood and asked what was wrong. But when I told him it was because of how he’d treated me, he was surprised—a surprise which soon turned into a second wave of intense anger.
He could not understand that his actions had directly impacted me, and it seemed ridiculous to him that I would feel anything at all. When I started to cry, he was confused and started pawing at me to try to roll me on my back. It felt like I was being attacked by a bear who wasn’t quite sure if I was edible or not.
When I finally ended things, I told him I was not okay. That his behavior toward me was unacceptable. That I was very hurt by the hateful way he had treated me. That I could not and did not want be involved with him because he did not respect me as a person.
But this didn’t make sense to him. He told me that he didn’t have anything against me and that I should choose to feel differently. That I couldn’t possibly feel hurt because he didn’t feel hurt. He felt pretty good about things, and I should have felt that way too.
He couldn’t recognize that his actions were causing me pain, even when I directly laid it out in front of him.
I even used examples from his life of things that had hurt him and then tried to make the comparison that the same things that hurt him also hurt me.
I told him that I needed a lot of time, a lot of space, and a lot of compassion if we wanted to set things right and be on friendly terms at work. That he had to be nice to me and recognize that it would take a long time for me to feel okay. He agreed, and I thought we understood each other.
The next time I saw him was a few weeks later at a work party. He sat next to me on the couch, pulled out his laptop, and started to show me the weather forecast for the next ten days. I politely evaded and tried to end the conversation as soon as possible. I was not ready, and I did not want our first conversation as ‘friends’ to be a lecture on meteorology.
Shortly after that he started sending me hateful messages on Facebook, threatening that if I couldn’t get over it, I might as well find somewhere else to work. I tried to explain to him I was not ready, and that sending me hate mails was not getting me any closer to being ready. But he just responded with more hate.
After several weeks of silence and a trip out of the state for me, we restarted the conversation and we were actually able to address some of the issues. I reiterated again what I needed: compassion, patience, understanding, and kindness (and a face-to-face apology would be great too).
He agreed, and I finally had faith that things would get better. But these things never happened.
He never apologized, and shortly after our series of talks he returned to the mindset that I deserved to be treated that way, and that I was the one at fault.
The disrespectful behavior returned and, exhausted, I decided it would be easiest to just avoid him. After a few months of tactful evasion, I found somewhere else to work.
I could spend a lifetime showing him the evidence, bringing up witnesses who had seen what was going on, and explaining to him why it is not okay to treat people that way. I could bring in a professional psychologist, our manager, our coworkers, and our friends to verify that I was 100% entitled to an apology and deserved respect at work.
But would I ever convince him? Probably not.
People only change if they want to change. You cannot force someone to respect you. You cannot force someone to admit they were wrong or apologize. Only they have the power to shift their perspective. And sometimes, it’s just not going to happen.
I finally realized that sometimes, people are just mean. And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.
I made the mistake of thinking that I could change him with compassion, patience, and understanding. But he did not want to change, so instead, I ended up breaking myself against his rock-hard resolve.
When someone is proactively threatening you and your happiness, seriously ask yourself: Is the juice worth the squeeze? Does this person respect me? Do they genuinely feel compassion for me? Do they want me to be happy? Or are they a drowning swimmer pushing me under just so they can breathe a little easier?
I don’t like to quit a project that I’ve started. But I learned that if this ‘project’ is an unhealthy or toxic relationship that is causing me damage, sometimes the best choice is to just walk away.
If you think you might be in a toxic or unhealthy relationship, seriously ask yourself: Is this good for me? Is this making me happy? Is this making me feel validated as a person? If the answer is no, end it. The best choice for you is the best choice of all.
About Sarah Charley
Sarah Charley is an explorer. She likes to explore everything from the backcountry of California to the mystery of the human psyche to advances in science and technology. She is also a writer when the inspiration strikes.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Good for you!!! I think we often want others to see things in our perspective just to let them know that we have feelings to. But most of the time people cannot change their perception because of their fear of being wrong, ashamed, uncertainty,etc. We cannot change then only how we choose to respond to our unfortunate circumstances. We might never get the apology we deserve but it doesn’t mean we can’t feel let go and let ourselves be compassionate towards ourselves and the truly appreciative ones in the world.
I see a few problems with the relationship. The first is that you got together to try and help him through a bad time and then you start sleeping with him. You got into the relationship for the wrong reasons. If a guy is having a hard time you might be a friend but not a romantic or sexual partner
She didn’t say she got involved to try to help him. She said she became involved with him AND he was at a bad spot in his life, not BECAUSE he was in a bad spot. She subsequently tried to help him as they were already involved. Regardless, how very judgmental of you.
“One summer I became involved with a coworker who was at a bad spot in his life. I thought I could help him through this tough time, but just like a swimmer drowning in a pool, he grabbed on and ended up drowning me when I reached out and tried to save him.”
Why on earth would one become involved in a romantic relationship when the other is not on solid ground?? Sounds like a person who does not want to focus on their own issues, a rescuer if you will. Plant your own garden first. Then weed out the ones who wish to share in your garden. I don’t think Tanker is being judgmental at all. I see this all the time. People getting into relationships to “save him.” As the writer concluded, they need to save themselves.
Hi Pat. I simplified the story at the beginning just to keep it shorter, but I can clarify. He was at a “bad spot” because he had a broken arm, and we were both working as guides in the outdoor industry. I became involved because I thought he was cute and charming, but I stayed much longer than I wanted to because when I tried to leave, he would start crying and tell me I was the only good thing in his life. I thought once his arm healed he would start treating me better, but this was not true. It took me 6 months to realize he would never respect me, which is when I left. When he was still disrespectful toward me at work after I ended it, I took it as a sign that it was time to start seriously pursuing a different career.
These comments clearly are trying to help her and others be more aware and avoid this much suffering. Not judging. Sharing knowledge and experience.
yup. he was clearly a sociopath too. female or male sociopaths are hard to fix. I hear these type of stories all the time and they usually keep repeating themselves until the person realizes why they keep on seeking such horrible people. I like Daniela’s reply. Sarah needs to look within herself and realize that she has to stop going for the exciting crazy, and get with someone stable. it’s really that simple.
all of my initial relationships with women were like this from the time I was in high school till my late twenties. i always assumed all women are good, and I only saw the good in the unstable women that i chose to date. i learned the hard way that women can be just as horrible as men, and i deserve way better. i love my mother very much and she is an extremely nice person, but i now understand that she is an overbearing sociopath. i feel sorry for my poor step dad. but they’re both messed up, so it works in a weird way.
i just recently started chatting with a girl of my dreams. we’re so nice to each other and have really good communication, it’s probably discussing. but, it does all come down to good communication. sex should be the last thing that happens between two people if both want a healthy long-term relationship. two people should be absolutely comfortable to talk about anything and be good friends before sex. else it’s just going to be drama, drama, drama. it’s hard for guys to do this, and many don’t even realize it, but men would be so much happier if they did this. plus, sex is amazing once you are totally comfortable with someone
Sociopaths are not ‘clearly sociopaths’ that is why they are sociopaths. It is not a conscious decision to ‘get with a sociopath and try to fix them’. This simplistic way of looking at the situation is not helpful. Yes we all need to work on ourselves – but sometimes things are not that black and white or ‘simple’ as you say… narcissists are incredibly adept and skilful at knowing how to appeal to the vulnerabilities in a person & you may not realise you’re in a situation until you’re in it… I agree that the inner work is vital though to avoid reoccurrence & gain understanding of why attraction exists in a negative direction… but that too takes time…
Hi Tanker. I simplified the story at the beginning just to keep it shorter, but I can clarify. He was at a “bad spot” because he had a broken arm, and we were both working as guides in the outdoor industry. I became involved because I thought he was cute and charming, but I stayed much longer than I wanted to because when I tried to leave, he would start crying and tell me I was the only good thing in his life. I thought once his arm healed he would start treating me better, but this was not true. It took me 6 months to realize he would never respect me, which is when I left. When he was still disrespectful toward me at work after I ended it, I took it as a sign that it was time to start seriously pursuing a different career.
After several months of verbal and psychological abuse? At a “bad spot” in his life?
Wow, I’m sorry, but this guy sounds like he’s a jerk no matter what kind of spot he’s in. I’m hoping you made up this story to make a point because thinking you can fix a guy, then having rules about how he is supposed to respond to your complaints is really sad, because it’s such a waste of your valuable time and life, and it’s a little controlling.
Hi Katydid. Unfortunately, this story is completely true, and also all too common. It was a bad experience, but more importantly, a huge learning experience for me.
I loved that you wrote it all out. For people who grow up with narcissists or abusive people, it’s really hard to see that we’re not the problem. REALLY HARD. The energetic jabs, the attempts at soul murder HURT, and destroy people’s lives, and health. You did a beautiful job putting it together. I treasure this for when I wonder about my childhood with a psychopathic sibling who grew worse with age. No helping them.
I’ve been through situations with several people that mirror some of your experiences, Sarah. I too thought that explaining would help them to see the consequences of their actions, and that they would be reasonable. Sometimes, it made things much worse! It was only when I learned about personality disorders that things started to make some kind of sense. As you probably know, your ex displayed some characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder. He would have formed this perception of the world as a young boy and is emotionally handicapped. Sad, but not something that anyone else can change. I wish psychology was taught in grade school – we could be much better educated about emotions and relationships and potentially avoid so much heartache.
Hi Julia. I completely agree that basic psychology should be taught in schools. After this experience I read a few books on psychology and communication and they helped me make sense of the situation.
“…basic psychology should be taught in schools .”
I agree. It should be four ‘R’s not three R s: readin, ‘riten, ‘rithmetic, and _relationships_ 🙂
update to my comment of 4 years ago:
I now see primary school education as implementing the Five Rho
That is reading, ‘riting, ‘rithmetic, reasoning, and relationships 😉
hope you are doing well now ….this is actually gaslighting personalities actually in psychology .
and once you notice similar behaviour in any person nearby just run .
It also could be several other “personality disorders”. Such as, Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, etc. I know for a fact that with Borderline they cannot acknowledge their behavior because they literally do NOT know or see what they do! No matter how many times you point this out! Trust me, run!
Great questions to ponder in any relationship! Thank you for sharing your experience, and insight! 🙂
This came at a good time for me. I have a neighbor that I’ve had some ugly interactions with. She’s accused me of things that have a grain of truth (I can be a bonehead sometimes) but then blows them up into accusing me of detailed malicious attacks. I got sucked into the last episode trying to explain that I’m not trying to hurt or attack her but eventually I was just arguing with her. I’m mad at myself for letting myself get sucked in instead of keeping my cool. There are lots of difficult people in the world. I use compassion meditation to deal with some I can’t get away from. I’ve also created my own rule that the majority of interactions I have with people I choose to put in my life have to feel positive, fun or nurturing. Some people are attracted to conflict and drama. What I’ve found most helpful is simply moving away from those people while feeling compassion for their [hurt, mental illness, just a mean streak – whatever]. I’m not sure it is helpful to analyze why they are mean. I also find those experiences helpful as a mirror. Did I react the way I wanted to react? How did this person get into my life? What was I seeking? At one point in my life I found myself surrounded by emotional vampires and I’ve made huge strides in choosing the people around me who can both give and take. I’ve also worked on finding compassion, self-love, and editing my social circles now and again to keep things in my life in balance. And I nurture those relationships that are kind, nurturing and healing. I would urge anyone who has gone through a bad experience with someone – and that’s all of us – to also use the experience for personal growth. It’s often easy to say it was 100% the other person (they were mean, they were mentally ill) but it’s much harder to look in the mirror to understand what you brought to the interaction. It’s even harder to admit your own areas to work on.
Excellent response…someone who is difficult to us is a chance for us to grow, personally. The healing comes when that difficult person doesn’t cause us pain anymore. We can avoid these difficult people but — they’ll pop up in other persons/situation in our life.
While I have felt very alone during the last 12 months for a similar episode (but with family members), I appreciate your comments as I have been applying a similar approach to your “rule” and I too see my experience as a means to personal growth.
I want to sincerely thank you for your perspective.
Glad you’re out of this toxic relationship! Good for you! Or are they a drowning swimmer pushing me under just so they can breathe a little easier? This hit home.
This is where I am in my current relationship He’s not abusive in the physical sense, but I go unseen in this relationship and he has little to no respect for me. And he doesn’t understand why I’m upset even after so many attempts to clarify. After more than a decade it’s time to move on. That part is painfully true.
You can’t wake someone who’s pretending to be asleep.
Great article what you were dealing with was a Narcissist and possibly other Personality disorders within this person. Educate yourself on them. There were many red flags that showed his personality disorder. The most we can learn is about ourselves. Why do we need to fix anyone. We don’t. We need to offer compassion love and respect to ourselves first and foremost. Have healthy boundaries and standards and when these are in place people like him can’t enter our lives. Good for you to get out when you did.
Yes, learn about this disorder. Think about whether you were exposed to this type of person when you were young. We often repeat these mistakes of getting drawn into their web, and they are very charming at first which makes it harder to recognize. They often set themselves up as victims and we want to help then. Be aware, and if you get in this situation again, you can get out sooner.
((Sorry for my long reply)) I work as an occupational therapist on a (only male, medium risk) forensic department for psychiatric patients with personality disorders. Even though I learned a lot through books, I learned sooo much more by working in the field. Not only do I get to know their way of being, I got to get to know myself, my strenghts and weaknesses!! I now know that I’m attracted to some personalities more than others. Antisocial males and narcists are two of them. My last boyfriend had both characteristics. I loved him for being so spontanous, for being all smiles, for knowing what he wanted to reach in life and how he wanted to achieve his goals, I loved him for being so optimistic, loved him for being selfconfident, I loved him for making me smile and loved him for making me feel better whenever I had a rough day at work. Unfortunately, For more than 2 years, I had the feeling there was something ‘not ok’, but I couldn’t say what it was until he made a total respectless comment in public. That’s where I drew my line! He always wanted to be the dominant person, so I was the best girlfriend ever to leave the pub to go home and heat up the oven! “Then I can have a beer”. He tried to make me believe my job was too heavy, that I’m going through a difficult time, not in the right headspace, etc… Only just when I finally started to feel stronger, when I came up for myself, when I didn’t agree with his way of treating me in this relationship! He probably started to feel I was becoming ‘me’ again, afraid to lose his position. I’ve been through physical abuse, I said he needed to see a counsellor or I would ask him to leave- “I’m not a patient of yours”, “I didn’t hit you, did I?” – no, he lifted me up my upperarms and walked me to the door, in my underwear, in winter. And still he believes it’s not ‘that extreme’. We almost ended up in the hospital for his irresponsible way of driving, crashed the car completely “We didn’t hit anyone, did we” I can go on for a long time! Thing is, I now see that he will do things (read, take his responsibilities) only when it suits him, that he will only change his way of thinking if he can win something with it, …. He ahd no time to help me pack and move houses, he had no time to go shopping for christmas(for my family) so he gave me money to buy his presents, he would do the dishes whenever it suited him and then I would say: sorry darl, only french fries, no steak, I had no pan!” Ofcourse I got blamed for everything throughout the whole story! Read about it as much as you can and be alert for the personalities you prefer, they might be the ones that always make you end up being single again:)
No shit, girl! I sincerely hope you are in a better situation now.
Hey Terri, thanks for your reply.
I’ve been through a rough year, as he moved 3 houses to my left. To see him (or his car) daily, doesn’t make it easier. I’ve lost 11 kilo’s because of all the stress and anger, still haven ‘t won one back. And even though it’s all clear and I’ve sorted it all out, I need new experiences to replace to ‘bad’ ones.
Thought that subscribing me on a datingsite might help, but then again… I got kissed this weekend (yes, it’s right, I don’t say “we kissed”), and it makes me feel funny inside. I’m not ready for a relationship, it scares me, although it’s true that he makes me forget my previous experience. And don’t get me wrong, I will not use this new person in my life to get over the last one! I believe in Karma and I also believe that I partly created the situations I was in before!
Hey Pooks, I don’t know about your religious beliefs but I’ll say a prayer for you. Thanks for your reply. I am personally at the point where I feel my heart cannot possibly break any more.
He was just a selfish spoiled rotten asshole
.Forget analyzing people..good and bad in everything..i choose to stay on the good side amd runnnn when bad comes knockin
I am a dual diagnostic domestic SURVIVER
Thanks AJS! It took me a long time to realize that it wasn’t me or my fault and that there was nothing I could do. But I am grateful I had this experience because I now know what to look for in a partner and I know the warning signs.
Amen 🙂
Im sorry but personality disorders are not the reason people are cruel or in human.
.i am a woman with borderline personality disorder. I can feel for other people and have hard time connecting with my own feelins..
i love too much and get taken advamtage of by selfish family members..
Can we please stop labelling people and putting them in a box. One way for a person not to change is by putting them in a box because that is shaming behaviour on your part. It makes you no better then how they display behaviours. Focus on the behaviours. A person isn’t a narcissist. Their behaviours perhaps display what has been described to us by ‘experts’ as narcissistic etc. Would you like to be put into a box by someone else?
I wholeheartedly agree with your last part though about boundaries. Good boundaries. But more than anything (as someone who grew up in an abusive environment) is that abusers are absolutely shrouded in shame. I don’t think they know anything else and I think to think that people can change, but not if someone else labels them as you do. When you label someone, all you do is reinforce the behaviours.
Narcissistic personality disorder is real, because their brains have a messed up prefrontal cortex. They literally cannot understand the pain and assholery they do (as demonstrated in the article.) It’s a medical condition.
Also good to dig deeper within ourselves to see why we gravitate to people like this.
I think it is wanting what he can’t have. This is why people often gravitate toward people who are mean, withholding, or act superior. We think that if we just try a little harder, we can “win” their love and affection. But when love and affection is offered from the beginning, it seems too easy. This is why we sometime reject genuinely good people–there’s no challenge so its not exciting.
This couldn’t of come at a better time x
And what if the hurtful, abusive, narcissistic martyr suffering from p!$$-poor self-esteem and a persecution complex and quite possibly Borderline Personality Disorder is your parent? What then?
Well, understanding the situation is the first step to emotional freedom, so you’re partway there. Next you heal yourself, which may involve counselling, reading some of the many great books available, and taking the time to grieve what cannot be. You build your own boundaries and self-esteem, and finally decide if you want any relationship with your parent at all. If you do want to keep in touch, you develop some very realistic expectations, which will be much less than what you would expect from a healthy individual. Don’t take their behavior personally and never accept abuse. You’re certainly not alone in having to deal with a parent who has problems. Help is available.
Yes. Be aware. Educate yourself. Set clear boundaries. You cannot fix them, but they can adjust their behavior if they want to continue the relationship. They will not understand or believe what they have done. But they can learn to honor “do not say that to me,” “I will not discuss that with you,” “if you continue to _______ , I will _____ and not _____ .” Then follow through. After 6 months of no contact, my mother learned how to act right. Adults can choose to end or limit contact with damaging parents.
Exactly and good for you. Sometimes you gotta put your foot down, establish boundaries, and dish out relationship consequences. Some people will never change but, just like bullies, they will change their behavior when there are repercussions and they realize they no longer have control over you. Isnt it strange after saying “I love you” so many times throughout your childhood that they suddenly arent interested in calling anymore when they cant control you?
My mother is what you describe. I left her ass. Of course she berated me for “running away” when she found me at my aunt’s house and I’M 27! I eventually left my aunt’s also because she wanted me to “apologize to her for upsetting her, “KNOWING SHE EMOTIONALLY AND MENTALLY ABUSED ME!!
Good for you!
I know this is six years later, but no one is obligated to have a relationship with an abuser, blood relative or not. Them raising you does not give them a right to control and abuse you. If they really loved you they wouldnt do that. All the money and affection in the world doesnt give anyone the right to abuse their child. You didnt ask to be brought into this world. They CHOSE to have you. Or if was unplanned, they still made the decision to do what led up to conception, and therefore it is their RESPONSIBILITY and OBLIGATION to provide for you. Them fulfilling their parental obligations is called duty. It doesnt buy them the right to abuse you. So I say to you, you have every right to go no contact and take the necessary measures to protect yourself, including legal help if thats what it takes.
Happiness must come from within, not from the others around us. There will always be good and bad people in the world and the hard part is to remember to always keep the good people near and to let go of the bad people, even when we don’t want to.
You tried to have a relationship with a narcissist…they can’t have relationships and can never be “fixed” good that you got away from this relatively early on. Avoid them like the plague
Thanks for your courage in sharing, Sarah! And good for you for getting away from
a toxic relationship!
No point allowing somebody to disrupt your life. After trying enough number of times to make it work, it is best to let go.
I used to think you could cure everything with enough love and compassion. That is not true. Unfortunately, one cannot do the inner work of another. I had to let go a friendship of a person who had gone through a lot of trauma in her life but had many good, redeeming factors to her. However, when she was upset, she would lash out like a wounded animal and hurt all that were near her. That sort of boundary should never be crossed. Emotionally exhausted, I let that friendship go. I send her off with love and peace but yes, again, one cannot save anyone and it’s presumptuous to think you can. One lives and learn.
Not sure if you’ll see this but, boy can I relate! My friend also went through a lot of trauma and she is also physically very ill and disabled, which makes it all the more difficult for me. I have a strong desire to bring her joy and companionship but she would lash out at me, too. She ended up blocking me over a misunderstanding. She would attach meanings to things I never meant. But she could be so affectionate too, so that makes it difficult. I have a big heart and wanted to be her friend.
This is a very interesting read for me. I have recently started realizing I may be married (and codependent) to a narcissistic wife. She has openly criticized many things that she doesn’t ‘like’ about me, or ways I do things, etc……and then seven years ago told me that she really no longer enjoyed sex with me and that I was free to see prostitutes if I felt the need. So add in ‘sexless marriage’. Very harsh to accept all of this from the person I married. She would either deny or twist/gaslight everything and has. She recently told me that the sexlessness was ‘mutual’. Blew my mind. I am wondering if she’d flat out deny ever making the prostitute remark. Whatever. I have decided to divorce her, and this announcement is imminent. I can’t take it anymore.
Hi RoughedUp. Good for you! I hope you can start healing and finding happiness and mutual love and compassion in your life!
Good for you..people who love too much are not just women..men get abused and used also..
SINCERELY,
G.ood
O.orderly
D.irection
Ihave the same problem only that this person lives with me in a flat-sharing contract. There are dozens of reasons I want to throw him out but the last was that the threatened me by saying he would break my nose. the reason: I used “his” grater and he accused me of stealing his food. I had to remind him that most of the things in our flat are mine and that the bed he’s sleeping in was mine as well as 70% of all the stuff he has in his room. I thought this would work and that he felt guilty but he just turned out more aggressive towards me. I know that I have to throw him out and I also know how I could do it but I simply don’t have the power and strength at the moment.
I realized it moons ago that you can’t cange person’s . When they want to treat you bad they want to treat you bad. The question is only: Do I accept it that a person who doesn’t do me good let me drown? I also realized that when you want to help somebody the person isn’t grateful about it but feels threatened himself in his independency I guess. He is a troubled person and I wanted to give him good advice how to stop drinking and smoking weed. Anyway it’s me who was in danger, not him and I finally realized it.
Romain, you may find some useful advice in the book “Disarming the Narcissist” by Wendy Behary. It gives very clear guidelines for speaking to someone who doesn’t respect you or your boundaries. It helped me remain calm and communicate effectively in two very difficult situations with two very difficult people. Good luck, and please be careful as you get free of this person.
You are very brave to identify that this was an abusive relationship and to get out. What you describe is classic abuse and it is scary. He attacked you via Facebook. Thank goodness that did not escalate to him stalking, attacking or harming you. A person I know who is a psychologist once said that if you feel physically fearful of someone, if that person looms large over you physically or intimidates you with their body, then it is not just mental abuse but also physical abuse. The reality is that the type of person who does this is not just mean, they are scary. So sometimes you cannot change a person like this who is mean. But I would add that sometimes you should be afraid of someone because you cannot trust them to be predictable or to not harm you. The fact that to get away fully you left your job speaks volumes to just how scary he is. Stay away for good. An abuser rarely changes. I am glad you are safe and that his desperate attempts to lure you back in did not turn worse, such as him harming or injuring you, or worse. With abusers like this, a lot of times that would be what happens after something like Facebook stalking and other similar vitriol.
Reminds me of my x-father… Some folks just dont have it in them, despite even unconditional love and ongoing kindness there is no breaking the pain/anger inside them. As youve learned we must learn to care for ourselves first in order to better assist those around us even when it means severing relationships with those we love…. There is love to be had by us all and its a wonderous joy when it is felt. 🙂
I think if we can’t tame the beast within unkind people, they may have antisocial personality disorder.
I don’t want to tame anyone
Wonderful saying Nick
Cianna Johnson your words are so true. It’s exactly what’s happened to me. I’m feeling lifeless/ hopeless after the breakup x
Amen…
Thank you for this wonderful article. I recently met a cold and abusive person online who attacked a person for writing a story that was meant to lessen one’s fear of death. When I defended the author, the person sent abusive messages to me yelling at me and saying my views were stupid, I was an idiot and basically should go to hell even though I was never rude to him/her. I was thinking about attacking them back but all that would prove is that he/she was right and that I am stupid and an idiot, so I politely shrugged his/her bullying off and blocked them knowing that they would just continue their selfishness. I’m glad I remained calm and compassionate 🙂
I can relate to this. I went through something similar. I shared my experience dealing with toxic friends online and someone from a group of my former friends saw my post and she posted nasty comments about me, calling me fat and ugly and that I should eat my own s—. The irony behind this is that even after she had posted rude comments about me, made posts online with my name (pretending to be me), she had the nerve to contact me. I was surprised but I kept calm and I didn’t reply. It’s funny how people talk about respect yet they show absolutely no respect for others. If you want respect from someone, treat them the way you want to be treated. And if you have an issue with someone, please don’t follow the person online or in person and make rude remarks to intimidate the person. It only proves that you’re ‘that kind’ of person. People don’t ignore rude remarks because they don’t have a mouth or because they’re scared. Most people like me ignore it because we don’t want to stoop to your level and get our hands dirty.
I agree with you and sorry about the lack of kindness that this person sent you. I’m sure that you are not fat and ugly and should definitely not eat your own s***. Some people are just mean because they want to feel good about themselves, not because we did anything wrong. The person could have even been jealous of you. That person that attacked me and that author believed we were being unkind but HE was the one being unkind, just being hypocritical. You are right not to stoop down to their level, that would make us look immature and unable to truly handle unkind remarks. Kindness is the best weapon.
I wouldn’t feel great if people thought of me as mean. “Many people aren’t easy to love, but it is worth being a rose in a field of weeds.”
This really resonates with me and I am in the same shoes.. Except, I haven’t yet walked away. The hardest things to accept are not his actions-but rather me looking at myself from another perspective thinking,when am I finally going to realize that enough is enough?
the struggle is fierce when you love and respect someone,but get so hurt in return. Apology comes but never quite feels honest and sincere to heal what’s done. And most often,it isn’t, as all that’s done to me is considered fault of my perspective;I.e. “you blow things out of perspective”
when the one who you are supposed to trust is under substance abuse is even worse. It feels like a stab in the back.
Of course there are always good points about these people. Reasons why we forgive.
yet even now I hope I will find the strength to walk away and never look back.
thank you for sharing. At least I’ve got the strength that I am not alone-and I am not to blame because I’m hurt.
Hi Ellie. You’re not alone, and it is really tough to leave someone, especially when your self confidence and sense of self has been compromised by their abusive attitude. I actually bought a spur of the moment plane ticket out of state when things were starting to get really bad, and after a few weeks away I realized just how messed-up the situation was and that I had to–no matter what he said or did–get out. Do you have the possibility to get some distance and some time away? Distance helps you get strong.
I love this post Sarah! I’ve come across a few mean and irrational people in my past and I did exactly what you’ve advised here. I feel so much better with the distance! xx
Dear on!! thank you!! it really opened my eyes…to the extent i had to share it with my ex!
Dude, it’s not that easy.
After several years of marriage, a couple of kids, and a lot of sacrifices, it cannot be just “get out of it”! Wherever I read, that is the only solution offered.
That’s not a solution. Divorce breaks homes and leaves children neglected. It is selfish. Children need two parents.
Someone, give me a practical solution.
I think you need to talk with a couples counselor or a therapist and explain your situation and see what solutions they have to offer. Sometimes couples can work through things. Sometimes, they can’t. I had friends in high school who were miserable at home because their parents were in an unhappy marriage but refused to call it quits because they didn’t want to break the family apart. But the side affect is that the kids felt resented and like it was their fault. I think talking with a professional about your situation is probably the best way go start to find solutions.
Ideally children would have two loving parents, but when the parents can’t stand each other anymore, for whatever reasons, and the home is filled with anger and resentment, if not outright chaos and abuse, then that’s a lot worse for the kids than being raised by a single parent.
Advise please: Does this include romantic relationships? I recently got involved with a guy that I thought was so amazing, and never showed me anything otherwise. I told him from the get go I wasn’t ready for a relationship, but he slowly took down my walls. I know that I have some slight trust issues still from the major pain and heartache I have endured during my life, and so does he. However, whenever I try to express if something is bothering me or hurts me, it’s all my fault, and I am wrong. He makes me feel like my feelings are stupid, and that I am bringing drama into the relationship, when in all actuality, all I want to do is talk. He runs from these things, and he’s making me feel like I am a terrible person. Should I run the other way?
Short answer, yes. If he makes you feel like you are a terrible person or that your feelings are invalid, that is not a good relationship. Make it very clear to him how you feel, and if he is incapable of responding with empathy or recognizing that you have a right to your own emotions, walk away.
Thank you so much for your insight! It’s always better to hear if from an unbiased person.
Thanks for sharing your story, Sarah. I too have been through such experiences where people are oblivious of the impact of their words.
For me, the whole issue was that I took the mean comments personally and as the truth. It took me a lot of time to realize that I deserved respect just like anyone else. I made a mental note to not accept such behavior from anyone. I guess from there on, it was a matter of reminding that person(or those people) again and again about what was acceptable and what wasn’t. The biggest relief came from understanding that it was not me who was the issue.
Thankfully, the above approach worked in my case. But, if it hadn’t worked, I would have let go of that person(or those people).
Thanks for the great post, Sarah.
Lovely article.
I’m in a situation here too. I made a friend in college about 6 months back. She had no friends(I had a lot). She made friends but none of them would ever stay. I couldn’t comprehend why because I saw no fault in her.
I started understanding later why she was so lonely in life. So when we first became friends we would constantly make fun of each other. We stopped once I realized it wasn’t funny anymore.
We began spending so much time together. I loved her company. We would have so much fun and we became best friends.
Every time after we’d meet, I’d get a text from her telling me how my behaviour wasn’t right and I was constantly hurting her…even when I genuinely didn’t do anything. She would go so far as to texting one of my friends to complain about my behaviour, as if I was a child.
She would lie to me about a guy(who only uses her for sex) and go meet him and then lecture me saying that ‘I would never lie to you…you shouldn’t interfere in other people’s love life’… So I stopped asking
This one time she invited me for dinner and slept at her place. The next morning she was annoyed about something and as I woke, she began to shout at me saying I should learn to talk and I’m too loud. I cried and left because it had become a regular thing.
I am never good enough for her. I’m never able to impress her. So I stopped trying.
We barely talk now. Am I right to distance myself from her???
Yes, you are right!
Run!
I cannot believe how similiar this is to my story. Only difference is I was 16 years old when this relationship started and 27 when I finally ended it. The whole time I knew I deserved better but I got addicted to the task of trying to convice him the error of his ways. Of how he hurt me and I was worthy to be loved a better way. He never thought anything was wrong but that I just complained too much…I was so confused and thought maybe something was wrong with me. I think that is why I stayed so long as well. When people ask me what he did to make me leave I can never explain the way he made me feel or the struggle I faced with him but you just explained it perfectly. Wow!, after 2 kids and 10 years its good to know that im not crazy and what I left was and the hard road after leaving was all worth it. I did deserve better omg…. I did. I kept second guessing myself especially since he was NEVER sorry. That treatment is indeed a form of abuse. Thank you for this article. I can let go now.
And yes…..crying just made him angry. Narcissim 101
Hi, I find it fascinating to read stories that are almost identical situations I am finding myself in at work with my female boss (myself strong female too). While to behaviours discussed in the article she also is in a legal power position over me, she keeps telling me that I am too sensitive when I confront her with issues in her way of managing. She has admitted that she is professionally jealous of my “brain power” and finds it difficult to work with me because I am so openly and “disrespectfully confrontational”. Well of course I am, she is stupid!
And yes, I see the relationship with my very strong father repeat.
Talking to my therapist (I had to be put on anxiety medication by my GP and attend CBT), the big thing I learned is that I seem to want to save everyone, that I stand up bravely for others but unable to set boundaries for myself and express objectively when I feel that injustice is being done to me.
I have discovered that I feel that such confrontation is “unnecessary war” and I do not want to hurt her, as “she doesn’t know any better, she is so stupid”!!! So I defend her compassionately while she is making me feel extremely depressed.
As I am unsure whether something is wrong with how I see the world, I started asking my co-workers, who now confirm that they struggle as well.
So I am getting HR to help and I have started grievance against her.
Thank you all for sharing your stories, it makes me feel stronger!
This story was great to read, especially since I was recently attacked by the exact man described here only we were engaged and living together. He threatened to kill me after arriving home under some form of drug influence. Then, preceded pushing me to the ground, wrestling me, and strangling me until I ran out of my home in winter’s cold escaping his threats. He is charged with aggravated assault and his family seem to be protecting his best interests by intervening communications to get his belongings back. I am jumpy and fearful all the time and would be soothed by a heart-filled apology that I am fairly sure I will never gain. However, an apology does not erase damage, it could actually misled emotions.
My question is does the absence of an apology mean he is seeking revenge?
Did not matter if he had a mental disorder or etc.. He is at an age where he does know better.. and no one should make an excuse for him. He is a physically healthy adult.Isn’t he? He just didn’t want to change regardless of the reason(s). She was being extremely kind and like a dick he took advantage. She is really sweet for sharing her experience and reminding people that some people are just not nice. Anyways thank you, I needed the reminder.
Hiya I was in a relationship, where I was always the one that ‘deserved’ the emotional abuse and found myself constantly having to apologize and agree with someone else. He was allowed to shout, swear and cry at me. However, I was never allowed show the same behavior. After a while I became aware of the fact that he had been telling me lots of lies and I decided to end the relationship. I started to acknowledge that I was a ‘PEOPLE FIXER’ who lived with the hope that things would change. However, only his behavior was HIS choice, not mine and I knew things would never change. My ex spent a great amount of time trying to get back with me and would lose it every time I rejected him.
What people fail to understand is that these types of people are charming and you have a great connection with them at first. You end up investing a lot of emotions into the relationship and it becomes harder to leave. Until one day, you realize what has happened and leave.
I find it hard being on my own now, but I know in the future that I will look for healthy love.
🙂
having experienced this thing myself, I have to say, it taught me a lot about forgiveness, patience and understanding and acceptance.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Sarah. I can’t imagine how difficult it was for you to share your experience about someone who treated you with so much disrespect, which makes my blood boil with fury. No matter how well we’re treating others and expect the same in return, nobody should have to tolerate mistreatment. To me, it’s unacceptable.
Oh my goodness, I am SO sorry you had to go through this. I found this article because I was searching to find any kind of answer to my questions about why someone I “cared” about was doing the same thing. I think that people like this are sociopaths, and quite honestly, chronic liars, if you want to put labels on them. They never truly can comprehend compassion like an average human being. To me, that is a very creepy feeling ti know that there are people out there like that. I wonder if it is some form of genetic defect, or some sort of result of their upbringing. Prob a combo pf both. I hate that you went through this, but feel a sense of relief and gratefulness that I am not alone. Thank you so much for sharing this.
thankyou SO much for this, my goodness, I have myself finally come to the position that YES, some people are just nasty and have it in for you, there is often so much unresolved stuff going on and I seem to get the brunt of it (not being a victim here just recognising that I expect people to be nice and there is sometimes vile stuff happening). I am glad that I have managed to work through lots of my stuff, but I am by no means perfect I accept that, but I am astounded at how little self awareness people have, and am sooo very tired of being beaten around the head by people who act out their problems. I am disabled and get stick from people about that, or they are pitying in a way that keeps me down, I don’t know if my being a single woman has anything to do with it, but I am really tired of it. Its not a problem in that I will just keep much more to myself now, and I have lovely friends, I know its just the human condition and its not a perfect world, and as a Christian I do forgive and pray for people, but it is very disappointing to be bullied and acted out on by people who you expected to be a bit more developed.
what if these things apply to ur family , u said( u should ask yourself is the juice worth the squeeze ? ) , well aren’t family worth doing everything for ? …. cuz my family refuse to make me save myself and do my own thing , they are too afraid to let me out of their control and too prideful & too emotionless to understand or accept what am saying , so the conclusion is : am living with them without being acknowledged or accepted & lets not forget the constant humiliation …… so what do u think ?
Thank you so much to help me see that I’m not alone and we can make ourselves better. I ran into the same kind of relationship, the difference being that it was the other person who drew away and I became the aggressive pursuer, demanding explanation/apology. But I became tired of acting like the bad person. He would do nice things, emphasize that he cares and I should see it from his perspectives, but as I learned to do so, I realized
he had no intention to do the same; to understand or change.
Finally I learned about the Narcissist personality, and it led me to stories like yours. It has taken me more than a year to see things objectively, and some more time to accept that some people can be this selfish and closed-up.
Learning how to direct energy from fruitless communication back to improving myself is my current biggest lesson.
Wow, sadly you just described my marriage. When I find the guts to speak up and say what is bothering me the “blame” is instantly shifted back on me and instead of even just listening or an apology I get, “So you are taking this out on me.” Somehow I am ALWAYS in the wrong. All I want is my spouse to be my friend is that so much to ask? Please someone, anyone out there who can relate? Because the only reason I am hanging on is the 12 year old daughter we have together.
was he not your friend first,no wonder the divorce rate is so high,any decent man would not act like this.. no wonder i stay single
Hi I wonder if anyone can help, my partner is a very distant person emotionally, at times yes he can be very loving and thoughtful and looks after the children, however, when we have had any sort of argument in the many years we have been together he has never apologised for anything unless it is undoubtedly clear that he is in the wrong, and would take days to come out, to be honest writing this about him has started to make me cry.
He is not in anyway an emotional person, he has never cried since we have been together unless I have pushed him to the limit of an argument where he can’t cope. some days the non emotion is just the medicine you need, on other days when you are having an arguement it is the worst thing as there is no remorse, there is no emotion. The only thing I get from him is, just be quiet, just get on. The other things he says are why am I causing these problems when it’ll be easier to be quiet and get on, I really feel pushed into a corner with these comments, why is it that I feel upset the way he has either spoken to me or the way something has happened and I have to be quiet and he doesn’t get to apologies for it?
Sometimes I feel we are not right for each other, as he is so sturn and rigid, and will never be moved on anything, and to make things feel better in an arguement id rather hug it out and apologise for the what has happened, where he’d rather not even talk about it and push it under the carpet. It gets me thinking am I wrong? Should I not seek an apology? Is what he is saying right?
The only way an argument stops nowadays if I give in to the your right, let’s just get on scenario, then he comes round. Then if I forget about what has happened in the argument or what has happened to start the argument, I normally look back and think why have I just given in like this? I’m so confused.
A bit of perspective from someone would be so helpful.
One thing that’s really awesome about the comments is that people are finally very quickly recognizing stories where one of the individuals involved is a narcissist, or a person with a personality disorder. There are a lot of them out there — and they wreak havoc with normal folks. The key is to ID them early on. And stop blaming their victims.
Here Here. The sequel to this piece is that six months later, many of our mutual friends told me things like I needed to try to see things from his perspective, that I felt the way I did because I just didn’t like him, and that the abuse was my fault. Luckily the new job I switch to had a good health insurance policy and I was able to talk to a therapist specializing in people recovering from trauma and abuse. That’s when I learned about the many faces of domestic violence, “herd mentality” and the “blame the victim” myth. Unfortunately many people in situations far worse than mine don’t necessarily have the same opportunities or resources that I did.
The blame isn’t always 50/50. And the problem is that narcissists intrinsically understand how to use triangulation in systems to attack their victims. Hence the term ‘flying monkeys’ — one of my favorites. You can’t really make a laundry list of identifiable characteristics for narcissists that’s 100% right all the time. But you can ID the system dynamics.
What if this is my husband, and I have. Child, and work from home so I can’t easily leave or else my son would never see his dad, and I’d likely lose my job with the move?
Agreed on all counts. The only caveat I would add is to make sure, first and foremost, that you’ve done all you can on your end. Walking away should be the last resort. Too often it’s the first. And this is a serious problem. You’re entitled to exactly the same amount of respect that you show others. No more or less. Bad days happen, and nobody’s perfect, but if you’re getting less than you’re giving then get out. But make sure you examine it objectively, taking time out and away from your emotions to do so, before you permanently solve a temporary problem.
I cant beleive.. i really am trapped.. i changed my career.. country for this guy.. but it means nothing to him.. first he refuses to disclose our relation at the workplace.. i dont know any logical reason… second he hides that he lives with me… also he will not allow me to be even put out my opinion.. he always wants his way.. and when he doesnt get it.. he will ignore me.. and throw tantrum.. i got really angry this time and crossed my own limits in anger… but i desparately want him to understand… he is my only support in this country .. i dont even know the langauge here.. cant go back even.. have no money.. :'( :'( :'(
I’m sorry for the pain you went through. I’m going throughthe same thing except it is my boyfriend, whom I love deeply and trusted to support me and protect me, not attack me. And he just doesn’t get it no matter how much I explain things logically and use comparisons. It’s so hard for me to understand how it is not obvious to him to see the hurt and damaged he has caused. The shocking thing is when he sees similar situations on TV or in the news he comments on how could the guy be that way to the woman. I’ve been so patient for 2 years and I have told him that the yelling and screaming at me is a deal-breaker and he calls me ugly names. He just won’t stop. Be was never like this in the beginning so I really don’t understand it. I don’t deserve this at all. I just wish he would be the person he used to be, it’s like he has hate and rage even when I have done absolutely nothing to him to even create such a response. that is so emotionally painful when you see them being loving and caring and you know they are that way but then they turn all this rage on you that you completely don’t deserve I truly don’t understand it but I know I can’t live that way anymore and I won’t tolerate it anymore and it’s heartbreaking. Even winter I have suggested some anger management help and offered to go with them and have been so patient and even when he is so ugly and mean to me, I don’t respond back that way. Except on occasion I have returned the favor in an attempt to show him what it looks like and hopefully open his eyes. It’s making me a crazy person, which I don’t want to be. I cry and he makes fun of me for crying when he used to comfort me and tell me that my tears matter to him and that he doesn’t ever want to see me cry.
I can so relate to this. Where does all that pent up anger and hate come from? Why do they make things worse instead of repairing things? What is going on in their heads?
It can be likened to hitting your shin against something. Yeah it hurts and if you hit it hard it might bruise and hurt for a few days but youll get over it and probably not think too much about guarding your shin afterward. But if the bone is broken and you whack it against a solid object, it might be a while before you stop paying special attention to where your leg is going. Except with PTSD that wariness and fear has the potential to be much worse and last a lot longer. People with PTSD and deathly afraid of repeating the trauma.
For a number of people, prob most of them, it comes from PTSD from abuse that they endured. They were abused and became the abuser. They fear being controlled and manipulated again and anything that resembles it in any way triggers that PTSD response that is out of proportion to whats actually happening. To them the danger is as real as an antelope that takes off at the slightest rustle of the grass after it just survived a cheetah attack. They are in fight or flight mode because they havent gotten over the abuse theyve endured. In the case of a boy being emotionally abused by his mother, he might grow up to hate and have a PTSD response to displays of female emotion. He hates seeing them get upset because, consciously or not, he blames her pain on himself and its too painful to relive the guilt he feels because of what his mother did to him. That PTSD response kicks him into overdrive and it might be anyones guess what hes gonna do or say.
So where does all that hate and pent up anger come from? It comes from PTSD that plagues them with guilt and a very real, intense fear of going through more of the same trauma theyve already endured. Both men and women can suffer from this.
Now take the broken bone analogy and apply it even further to PTSD. Either the bone has always been broken and continually gets reinjured without being allowed to heal, and therefore the person has never known what normal is like. Instead they develop dysfunctional survival methods that serve them well in coping with the abuse, but no longer serve them well when they get out into the real world. Or the other scenario is a person who has forgotten what normal is like. Either way, it can take a very long time to retrain your own mind to stop having that ingrained PTSD response that was useful and necessary for survival at one time but is now proving to be dysfunctional. Should you have an intimate relationship with such a person? Only if they are recovered or well on their way. Is it their fault? Many times no. They were unfortunately programmed in a way that is very difficult to change.
I feel your pain, Shortee, as I struggle in this area, too.
In my experience, when we stay in a relationship, despite someone continually plowing through our boundaries, we’ve essentially given that person a license for more of the same abuse and become codependent (or increased in codependency). CODA literature and groups can help greatly!
“I have told him that the yelling and screaming at me is a deal-breaker and he calls me ugly names. He just won’t stop.”
Those lines say it all. Time to get out (if you haven’t yet) and focus on your own issues/relationships that set the stage for you taking such abuse. Good luck!
I got into an argument with my fiance. He said hurtful things, then it escalated. I said hurtful things to him aswell. The Next morning I called him and no answer, so I apologized (through text). This was three days ago, I have not recieved an apology from him in return. I am so hurt. He thinks he’s always right. I don’t know ow what to do.
Fantastic article, the only issue is…what if it’s a parent who is toxic at times and never apologizes?