“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.” ~Robert Brault
I’ve always tried to distance myself from people who are rude, overly aggressive, and mean. But sometimes we become tied to people who might not have our best interests at heart.
One summer I became involved with a coworker who was at a bad spot in his life. I thought I could help him through this tough time, but just like a swimmer drowning in a pool, he grabbed on and ended up drowning me when I reached out and tried to save him.
After several months of verbal and psychological abuse, I finally realized that the situation was out of my control. That night, after I got up to get a glass of water, he followed me into the kitchen and started yelling at me to get back into his room.
I did as I was told but I was not happy about it. He noticed my shift in mood and asked what was wrong. But when I told him it was because of how he’d treated me, he was surprised—a surprise which soon turned into a second wave of intense anger.
He could not understand that his actions had directly impacted me, and it seemed ridiculous to him that I would feel anything at all. When I started to cry, he was confused and started pawing at me to try to roll me on my back. It felt like I was being attacked by a bear who wasn’t quite sure if I was edible or not.
When I finally ended things, I told him I was not okay. That his behavior toward me was unacceptable. That I was very hurt by the hateful way he had treated me. That I could not and did not want be involved with him because he did not respect me as a person.
But this didn’t make sense to him. He told me that he didn’t have anything against me and that I should choose to feel differently. That I couldn’t possibly feel hurt because he didn’t feel hurt. He felt pretty good about things, and I should have felt that way too.
He couldn’t recognize that his actions were causing me pain, even when I directly laid it out in front of him.
I even used examples from his life of things that had hurt him and then tried to make the comparison that the same things that hurt him also hurt me.
I told him that I needed a lot of time, a lot of space, and a lot of compassion if we wanted to set things right and be on friendly terms at work. That he had to be nice to me and recognize that it would take a long time for me to feel okay. He agreed, and I thought we understood each other.
The next time I saw him was a few weeks later at a work party. He sat next to me on the couch, pulled out his laptop, and started to show me the weather forecast for the next ten days. I politely evaded and tried to end the conversation as soon as possible. I was not ready, and I did not want our first conversation as ‘friends’ to be a lecture on meteorology.
Shortly after that he started sending me hateful messages on Facebook, threatening that if I couldn’t get over it, I might as well find somewhere else to work. I tried to explain to him I was not ready, and that sending me hate mails was not getting me any closer to being ready. But he just responded with more hate.
After several weeks of silence and a trip out of the state for me, we restarted the conversation and we were actually able to address some of the issues. I reiterated again what I needed: compassion, patience, understanding, and kindness (and a face-to-face apology would be great too).
He agreed, and I finally had faith that things would get better. But these things never happened.
He never apologized, and shortly after our series of talks he returned to the mindset that I deserved to be treated that way, and that I was the one at fault.
The disrespectful behavior returned and, exhausted, I decided it would be easiest to just avoid him. After a few months of tactful evasion, I found somewhere else to work.
I could spend a lifetime showing him the evidence, bringing up witnesses who had seen what was going on, and explaining to him why it is not okay to treat people that way. I could bring in a professional psychologist, our manager, our coworkers, and our friends to verify that I was 100% entitled to an apology and deserved respect at work.
But would I ever convince him? Probably not.
People only change if they want to change. You cannot force someone to respect you. You cannot force someone to admit they were wrong or apologize. Only they have the power to shift their perspective. And sometimes, it’s just not going to happen.
I finally realized that sometimes, people are just mean. And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.
I made the mistake of thinking that I could change him with compassion, patience, and understanding. But he did not want to change, so instead, I ended up breaking myself against his rock-hard resolve.
When someone is proactively threatening you and your happiness, seriously ask yourself: Is the juice worth the squeeze? Does this person respect me? Do they genuinely feel compassion for me? Do they want me to be happy? Or are they a drowning swimmer pushing me under just so they can breathe a little easier?
I don’t like to quit a project that I’ve started. But I learned that if this ‘project’ is an unhealthy or toxic relationship that is causing me damage, sometimes the best choice is to just walk away.
If you think you might be in a toxic or unhealthy relationship, seriously ask yourself: Is this good for me? Is this making me happy? Is this making me feel validated as a person? If the answer is no, end it. The best choice for you is the best choice of all.
About Sarah Charley
Sarah Charley is an explorer. She likes to explore everything from the backcountry of California to the mystery of the human psyche to advances in science and technology. She is also a writer when the inspiration strikes.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Good for you!!! I think we often want others to see things in our perspective just to let them know that we have feelings to. But most of the time people cannot change their perception because of their fear of being wrong, ashamed, uncertainty,etc. We cannot change then only how we choose to respond to our unfortunate circumstances. We might never get the apology we deserve but it doesn’t mean we can’t feel let go and let ourselves be compassionate towards ourselves and the truly appreciative ones in the world.
I see a few problems with the relationship. The first is that you got together to try and help him through a bad time and then you start sleeping with him. You got into the relationship for the wrong reasons. If a guy is having a hard time you might be a friend but not a romantic or sexual partner
After several months of verbal and psychological abuse? At a “bad spot” in his life?
Wow, I’m sorry, but this guy sounds like he’s a jerk no matter what kind of spot he’s in. I’m hoping you made up this story to make a point because thinking you can fix a guy, then having rules about how he is supposed to respond to your complaints is really sad, because it’s such a waste of your valuable time and life, and it’s a little controlling.
I’ve been through situations with several people that mirror some of your experiences, Sarah. I too thought that explaining would help them to see the consequences of their actions, and that they would be reasonable. Sometimes, it made things much worse! It was only when I learned about personality disorders that things started to make some kind of sense. As you probably know, your ex displayed some characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder. He would have formed this perception of the world as a young boy and is emotionally handicapped. Sad, but not something that anyone else can change. I wish psychology was taught in grade school – we could be much better educated about emotions and relationships and potentially avoid so much heartache.
Great questions to ponder in any relationship! Thank you for sharing your experience, and insight! 🙂
This came at a good time for me. I have a neighbor that I’ve had some ugly interactions with. She’s accused me of things that have a grain of truth (I can be a bonehead sometimes) but then blows them up into accusing me of detailed malicious attacks. I got sucked into the last episode trying to explain that I’m not trying to hurt or attack her but eventually I was just arguing with her. I’m mad at myself for letting myself get sucked in instead of keeping my cool. There are lots of difficult people in the world. I use compassion meditation to deal with some I can’t get away from. I’ve also created my own rule that the majority of interactions I have with people I choose to put in my life have to feel positive, fun or nurturing. Some people are attracted to conflict and drama. What I’ve found most helpful is simply moving away from those people while feeling compassion for their [hurt, mental illness, just a mean streak – whatever]. I’m not sure it is helpful to analyze why they are mean. I also find those experiences helpful as a mirror. Did I react the way I wanted to react? How did this person get into my life? What was I seeking? At one point in my life I found myself surrounded by emotional vampires and I’ve made huge strides in choosing the people around me who can both give and take. I’ve also worked on finding compassion, self-love, and editing my social circles now and again to keep things in my life in balance. And I nurture those relationships that are kind, nurturing and healing. I would urge anyone who has gone through a bad experience with someone – and that’s all of us – to also use the experience for personal growth. It’s often easy to say it was 100% the other person (they were mean, they were mentally ill) but it’s much harder to look in the mirror to understand what you brought to the interaction. It’s even harder to admit your own areas to work on.
Glad you’re out of this toxic relationship! Good for you! Or are they a drowning swimmer pushing me under just so they can breathe a little easier? This hit home.
This is where I am in my current relationship He’s not abusive in the physical sense, but I go unseen in this relationship and he has little to no respect for me. And he doesn’t understand why I’m upset even after so many attempts to clarify. After more than a decade it’s time to move on. That part is painfully true.
You can’t wake someone who’s pretending to be asleep.
She didn’t say she got involved to try to help him. She said she became involved with him AND he was at a bad spot in his life, not BECAUSE he was in a bad spot. She subsequently tried to help him as they were already involved. Regardless, how very judgmental of you.
Great article what you were dealing with was a Narcissist and possibly other Personality disorders within this person. Educate yourself on them. There were many red flags that showed his personality disorder. The most we can learn is about ourselves. Why do we need to fix anyone. We don’t. We need to offer compassion love and respect to ourselves first and foremost. Have healthy boundaries and standards and when these are in place people like him can’t enter our lives. Good for you to get out when you did.
Also good to dig deeper within ourselves to see why we gravitate to people like this.
This couldn’t of come at a better time x
“One summer I became involved with a coworker who was at a bad spot in his life. I thought I could help him through this tough time, but just like a swimmer drowning in a pool, he grabbed on and ended up drowning me when I reached out and tried to save him.”
Why on earth would one become involved in a romantic relationship when the other is not on solid ground?? Sounds like a person who does not want to focus on their own issues, a rescuer if you will. Plant your own garden first. Then weed out the ones who wish to share in your garden. I don’t think Tanker is being judgmental at all. I see this all the time. People getting into relationships to “save him.” As the writer concluded, they need to save themselves.
yup. he was clearly a sociopath too. female or male sociopaths are hard to fix. I hear these type of stories all the time and they usually keep repeating themselves until the person realizes why they keep on seeking such horrible people. I like Daniela’s reply. Sarah needs to look within herself and realize that she has to stop going for the exciting crazy, and get with someone stable. it’s really that simple.
all of my initial relationships with women were like this from the time I was in high school till my late twenties. i always assumed all women are good, and I only saw the good in the unstable women that i chose to date. i learned the hard way that women can be just as horrible as men, and i deserve way better. i love my mother very much and she is an extremely nice person, but i now understand that she is an overbearing sociopath. i feel sorry for my poor step dad. but they’re both messed up, so it works in a weird way.
i just recently started chatting with a girl of my dreams. we’re so nice to each other and have really good communication, it’s probably discussing. but, it does all come down to good communication. sex should be the last thing that happens between two people if both want a healthy long-term relationship. two people should be absolutely comfortable to talk about anything and be good friends before sex. else it’s just going to be drama, drama, drama. it’s hard for guys to do this, and many don’t even realize it, but men would be so much happier if they did this. plus, sex is amazing once you are totally comfortable with someone
And what if the hurtful, abusive, narcissistic martyr suffering from p!$$-poor self-esteem and a persecution complex and quite possibly Borderline Personality Disorder is your parent? What then?
Happiness must come from within, not from the others around us. There will always be good and bad people in the world and the hard part is to remember to always keep the good people near and to let go of the bad people, even when we don’t want to.
Well, understanding the situation is the first step to emotional freedom, so you’re partway there. Next you heal yourself, which may involve counselling, reading some of the many great books available, and taking the time to grieve what cannot be. You build your own boundaries and self-esteem, and finally decide if you want any relationship with your parent at all. If you do want to keep in touch, you develop some very realistic expectations, which will be much less than what you would expect from a healthy individual. Don’t take their behavior personally and never accept abuse. You’re certainly not alone in having to deal with a parent who has problems. Help is available.
You tried to have a relationship with a narcissist…they can’t have relationships and can never be “fixed” good that you got away from this relatively early on. Avoid them like the plague
Thanks for your courage in sharing, Sarah! And good for you for getting away from
a toxic relationship!
No point allowing somebody to disrupt your life. After trying enough number of times to make it work, it is best to let go.
I used to think you could cure everything with enough love and compassion. That is not true. Unfortunately, one cannot do the inner work of another. I had to let go a friendship of a person who had gone through a lot of trauma in her life but had many good, redeeming factors to her. However, when she was upset, she would lash out like a wounded animal and hurt all that were near her. That sort of boundary should never be crossed. Emotionally exhausted, I let that friendship go. I send her off with love and peace but yes, again, one cannot save anyone and it’s presumptuous to think you can. One lives and learn.
This is a very interesting read for me. I have recently started realizing I may be married (and codependent) to a narcissistic wife. She has openly criticized many things that she doesn’t ‘like’ about me, or ways I do things, etc……and then seven years ago told me that she really no longer enjoyed sex with me and that I was free to see prostitutes if I felt the need. So add in ‘sexless marriage’. Very harsh to accept all of this from the person I married. She would either deny or twist/gaslight everything and has. She recently told me that the sexlessness was ‘mutual’. Blew my mind. I am wondering if she’d flat out deny ever making the prostitute remark. Whatever. I have decided to divorce her, and this announcement is imminent. I can’t take it anymore.
Ihave the same problem only that this person lives with me in a flat-sharing contract. There are dozens of reasons I want to throw him out but the last was that the threatened me by saying he would break my nose. the reason: I used “his” grater and he accused me of stealing his food. I had to remind him that most of the things in our flat are mine and that the bed he’s sleeping in was mine as well as 70% of all the stuff he has in his room. I thought this would work and that he felt guilty but he just turned out more aggressive towards me. I know that I have to throw him out and I also know how I could do it but I simply don’t have the power and strength at the moment.
I realized it moons ago that you can’t cange person’s . When they want to treat you bad they want to treat you bad. The question is only: Do I accept it that a person who doesn’t do me good let me drown? I also realized that when you want to help somebody the person isn’t grateful about it but feels threatened himself in his independency I guess. He is a troubled person and I wanted to give him good advice how to stop drinking and smoking weed. Anyway it’s me who was in danger, not him and I finally realized it.
You are very brave to identify that this was an abusive relationship and to get out. What you describe is classic abuse and it is scary. He attacked you via Facebook and other social media. Thank goodness that did not escalate to him stalking, attacking or harming you. A person I know who is a psychologist once said that if yoy feel physically fearful of someone, if that person looms large over you physically or intimidates you with their body, then it is not just mental abuse but also physical abuse. The reality is that the type of person who does this is not just mean, they are scary. So sometimes you cannot change a person like this who is mean. But I would add that sometimes you should be afraid of someone because you cannot trust them to be predictable or to not harm you. The fact that to get away fully you left your job speaks volumes to just how scary he is. Stay away for good. An abuser rarely changes. I am glad you are safe and that his desperate attempts to lure you back in did not turn worse, such as him harming or injuring you, or worse. With abusers like this, a lot of times that would be what happens after something like Facebook stalking and other similar vitriol.
Yes, learn about this disorder. Think about whether you were exposed to this type of person when you were young. We often repeat these mistakes of getting drawn into their web, and they are very charming at first which makes it harder to recognize. They often set themselves up as victims and we want to help then. Be aware, and if you get in this situation again, you can get out sooner.
These comments clearly are trying to help her and others be more aware and avoid this much suffering. Not judging. Sharing knowledge and experience.
Yes. Be aware. Educate yourself. Set clear boundaries. You cannot fix them, but they can adjust their behavior if they want to continue the relationship. They will not understand or believe what they have done. But they can learn to honor “do not say that to me,” “I will not discuss that with you,” “if you continue to _______ , I will _____ and not _____ .” Then follow through. After 6 months of no contact, my mother learned how to act right. Adults can choose to end or limit contact with damaging parents.
Romain, you may find some useful advice in the book “Disarming the Narcissist” by Wendy Behary. It gives very clear guidelines for speaking to someone who doesn’t respect you or your boundaries. It helped me remain calm and communicate effectively in two very difficult situations with two very difficult people. Good luck, and please be careful as you get free of this person.
Hi Pat. I simplified the story at the beginning just to keep it shorter, but I can clarify. He was at a “bad spot” because he had a broken arm, and we were both working as guides in the outdoor industry. I became involved because I thought he was cute and charming, but I stayed much longer than I wanted to because when I tried to leave, he would start crying and tell me I was the only good thing in his life. I thought once his arm healed he would start treating me better, but this was not true. It took me 6 months to realize he would never respect me, which is when I left. When he was still disrespectful toward me at work after I ended it, I took it as a sign that it was time to start seriously pursuing a different career.
Thanks AJS! It took me a long time to realize that it wasn’t me or my fault and that there was nothing I could do. But I am grateful I had this experience because I now know what to look for in a partner and I know the warning signs.
Reminds me of my x-father… Some folks just dont have it in them, despite even unconditional love and ongoing kindness there is no breaking the pain/anger inside them. As youve learned we must learn to care for ourselves first in order to better assist those around us even when it means severing relationships with those we love…. There is love to be had by us all and its a wonderous joy when it is felt. 🙂
Hi Julia. I completely agree that basic psychology should be taught in schools. After this experience I read a few books on psychology and communication and they helped me make sense of the situation.
Hi Katydid. Unfortunately, this story is completely true, and also all too common. It was a bad experience, but more importantly, a huge learning experience for me.
I think it is wanting what he can’t have. This is why people often gravitate toward people who are mean, withholding, or act superior. We think that if we just try a little harder, we can “win” their love and affection. But when love and affection is offered from the beginning, it seems too easy. This is why we sometime reject genuinely good people–there’s no challenge so its not exciting.
Hi RoughedUp. Good for you! I hope you can start healing and finding happiness and mutual love and compassion in your life!
Hi Tanker. I simplified the story at the beginning just to keep it shorter, but I can clarify. He was at a “bad spot” because he had a broken arm, and we were both working as guides in the outdoor industry. I became involved because I thought he was cute and charming, but I stayed much longer than I wanted to because when I tried to leave, he would start crying and tell me I was the only good thing in his life. I thought once his arm healed he would start treating me better, but this was not true. It took me 6 months to realize he would never respect me, which is when I left. When he was still disrespectful toward me at work after I ended it, I took it as a sign that it was time to start seriously pursuing a different career.
Thank you for this wonderful article. I recently met a cold and abusive person online who attacked a person for writing a story that was meant to lessen one’s fear of death. When I defended the author, the person sent abusive messages to me yelling at me and saying my views were stupid, I was an idiot and basically should go to hell even though I was never rude to him/her. I was thinking about attacking them back but all that would prove is that he/she was right and that I am stupid and an idiot, so I politely shrugged his/her bullying off and blocked them knowing that they would just continue their selfishness. I’m glad I remained calm and compassionate 🙂
Amen 🙂
I can relate to this. I went through something similar. I shared my experience dealing with toxic friends online and someone from a group of my former friends saw my post and she posted nasty comments about me, calling me fat and ugly and that I should eat my own s—. The irony behind this is that even after she had posted rude comments about me, made posts online with my name (pretending to be me), she had the nerve to contact me. I was surprised but I kept calm and I didn’t reply. It’s funny how people talk about respect yet they show absolutely no respect for others. If you want respect from someone, treat them the way you want to be treated. And if you have an issue with someone, please don’t follow the person online or in person and make rude remarks to intimidate the person. It only proves that you’re ‘that kind’ of person. People don’t ignore rude remarks because they don’t have a mouth or because they’re scared. Most people like me ignore it because we don’t want to stoop to your level and get our hands dirty.
This really resonates with me and I am in the same shoes.. Except, I haven’t yet walked away. The hardest things to accept are not his actions-but rather me looking at myself from another perspective thinking,when am I finally going to realize that enough is enough?
the struggle is fierce when you love and respect someone,but get so hurt in return. Apology comes but never quite feels honest and sincere to heal what’s done. And most often,it isn’t, as all that’s done to me is considered fault of my perspective;I.e. “you blow things out of perspective”
when the one who you are supposed to trust is under substance abuse is even worse. It feels like a stab in the back.
Of course there are always good points about these people. Reasons why we forgive.
yet even now I hope I will find the strength to walk away and never look back.
thank you for sharing. At least I’ve got the strength that I am not alone-and I am not to blame because I’m hurt.
I agree with you and sorry about the lack of kindness that this person sent you. I’m sure that you are not fat and ugly and should definitely not eat your own s***. Some people are just mean because they want to feel good about themselves, not because we did anything wrong. The person could have even been jealous of you. That person that attacked me and that author believed we were being unkind but he was just being hypocritical. You are right not to stoop down to their level, that would make us look immature and unable to truly handle unkind remarks. Kindness is the best weapon.
I wouldn’t feel great if people thought of me as mean. “Many people aren’t easy to love, but it is worth being a rose in a field of weeds.”
I think if we can’t tame the beast within unkind people, they may have antisocial personality disorder.
Hi Ellie. You’re not alone, and it is really tough to leave someone, especially when your self confidence and sense of self has been compromised by their abusive attitude. I actually bought a spur of the moment plane ticket out of state when things were starting to get really bad, and after a few weeks away I realized just how messed-up the situation was and that I had to–no matter what he said or did–get out. Do you have the possibility to get some distance and some time away? Distance helps you get strong.
I love this post Sarah! I’ve come across a few mean and irrational people in my past and I did exactly what you’ve advised here. I feel so much better with the distance! xx
Dear on!! thank you!! it really opened my eyes…to the extent i had to share it with my ex!
Dude, it’s not that easy.
After several years of marriage, a couple of kids, and a lot of sacrifices, it cannot be just “get out of it”! Wherever I read, that is the only solution offered.
That’s not a solution. Divorce breaks homes and leaves children neglected. It is selfish. Children need two parents.
Someone, give me a practical solution.
I think you need to talk with a couples counselor or a therapist and explain your situation and see what solutions they have to offer. Sometimes couples can work through things. Sometimes, they can’t. I had friends in high school who were miserable at home because their parents were in an unhappy marriage but refused to call it quits because they didn’t want to break the family apart. But the side affect is that the kids felt resented and like it was their fault. I think talking with a professional about your situation is probably the best way go start to find solutions.
((Sorry for my long reply)) I work as an occupational therapist on a (only male, medium risk) forensic department for psychiatric patients with personality disorders. Even though I learned a lot through books, I learned sooo much more by working in the field. Not only do I get to know their way of being, I got to get to know myself, my strenghts and weaknesses!! I now know that I’m attracted to some personalities more than others. Antisocial males and narcists are two of them. My last boyfriend had both characteristics. I loved him for being so spontanous, for being all smiles, for knowing what he wanted to reach in life and how he wanted to achieve his goals, I loved him for being so optimistic, loved him for being selfconfident, I loved him for making me smile and loved him for making me feel better whenever I had a rough day at work. Unfortunately, For more than 2 years, I had the feeling there was something ‘not ok’, but I couldn’t say what it was until he made a total respectless comment in public. That’s where I drew my line! He always wanted to be the dominant person, so I was the best girlfriend ever to leave the pub to go home and heat up the oven! “Then I can have a beer”. He tried to make me believe my job was too heavy, that I’m going through a difficult time, not in the right headspace, etc… Only just when I finally started to feel stronger, when I came up for myself, when I didn’t agree with his way of treating me in this relationship! He probably started to feel I was becoming ‘me’ again, afraid to lose his position. I’ve been through physical abuse, I said he needed to see a counsellor or I would ask him to leave- “I’m not a patient of yours”, “I didn’t hit you, did I?” – no, he lifted me up my upperarms and walked me to the door, in my underwear, in winter. And still he believes it’s not ‘that extreme’. We almost ended up in the hospital for his irresponsible way of driving, crashed the car completely “We didn’t hit anyone, did we” I can go on for a long time! Thing is, I now see that he will do things (read, take his responsibilities) only when it suits him, that he will only change his way of thinking if he can win something with it, …. He ahd no time to help me pack and move houses, he had no time to go shopping for christmas(for my family) so he gave me money to buy his presents, he would do the dishes whenever it suited him and then I would say: sorry darl, only french fries, no steak, I had no pan!” Ofcourse I got blamed for everything throughout the whole story! Read about it as much as you can and be alert for the personalities you prefer, they might be the ones that always make you end up being single again:)
Advise please: Does this include romantic relationships? I recently got involved with a guy that I thought was so amazing, and never showed me anything otherwise. I told him from the get go I wasn’t ready for a relationship, but he slowly took down my walls. I know that I have some slight trust issues still from the major pain and heartache I have endured during my life, and so does he. However, whenever I try to express if something is bothering me or hurts me, it’s all my fault, and I am wrong. He makes me feel like my feelings are stupid, and that I am bringing drama into the relationship, when in all actuality, all I want to do is talk. He runs from these things, and he’s making me feel like I am a terrible person. Should I run the other way?