“Don’t be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don’t have to live forever; you just have to live.” ~Natalie Babbitt
And don’t wait to say what you need to say. And don’t wait to live the life you want to live.
Yesterday we lost a dear friend to cancer. Ken was sixty-eight. Five months ago he and I hung out on the beach drinking out of coconuts with a straw. We were at a personal growth retreat that my husband and I conduct every winter in Mexico.
He was the happiest I had ever seen him and he knew he only had months to live.
Ken spoke of how he always assumed he would live to be a ripe old age. His father did. His father lived into his nineties. But a year ago Ken found out that he had a brain tumor and less than a year to live.
Ken was the one who pointed the way for my husband and I to find our life purpose and our own happiness. He recognized a perfect fit for us with an old wise couple—who then became our mentors, who would teach us how to be happy by helping others learn to love themselves.
Growing Ourselves
Poignantly enough, I also lost my father two weeks ago. His death was a blessing. He was suffering from severe dementia. Ours was a complicated relationship; we had a sweet and sour life together. He was my first best friend until I was eleven and then my worst.
Who I have become is partially due to my relationship with him. Through his early example and encouragement I became courageous and kind to all beings and because of his abuse, I became deeper and chose to live a more conscious life.
Because of him I learned to speak up against abuse, regardless of the sacrifice (years of disconnect with my family) and learned how to heal myself. And likely because of him, I ended up devoting my life to helping others to heal themselves and find wholeness.
I regret and sadden myself that my dad never stepped up to do any personal work in his own life. But this was his life to do the way he wanted, consciously or unconsciously. And I relieve myself in that I had nothing more I needed to say to him, and I feel complete.
Ken’s relationship with his kids was also not easy. But the difference between Ken and my dad was that Ken continued to work on himself, to grow, to consciously try to heal his relationships with his adult children.
Finding Happiness
On the beach that day last winter Ken was finally happy because for a week he stopped striving to make something happen.
He finally took residence in his body, really soaked up the lovely environment we were in, and began to feel his life rather than analyze it. And he began to really love himself and let in the love from the group he was with that week on the beach.
He shared with my husband, afterward, that during that week he had done the work he needed to do before dying and so he could say he was ready to return home to die. He was fully awake and enjoying each present moment. He died consciously and with no regrets.
Life is full of surprises and many of us are unlikely to live as long as we thought we would. What if we were to become really conscious of our impermanence now, without needing an impending death sentence to wake ourselves up?
What if we begin to say what we need to say to those we care about (they may not live as long as we think they will either)? What if we express the unexpressed appreciation or heal the wounds we’ve carried around with us—wounds given and wounds received?
Right now is the best time, regardless of our age, to do the personal work we need to do, work that will ultimately bring us to a place of self-acceptance and self-love. Fortunately, Ken found grace six months before he died. But let’s not wait that long!
What if we started right now? What if we didn’t wait to start living the lives we really want to live. What if we didn’t wait to be happy?
If we do that, we can feel satiated and feel ready to die when we arrive at our ending.
How lovely would that be?
Photo by Nattu
About Hannah Eagle
Hannah Eagle, DHom, PDHom, Homeopath and Co-founder of Reology.org. Hannah offers, with her husband, Jake Eagle, Personal Growth courses, Residential Retreats, and ReSpeak trainings for creating healthy lives and meaningful relationships.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Hi Hannah,
Kudos to you for your courage. As for Ken, he was present when he first heard the news. Things began to make sense at that point and he became alive. Most of us wait, wait until the death sentence, or seeing some type of end, before we live.
As a guy who left everything, went down to 4 cents, went $70K into debt, then turned it all around, and became a world traveling entrepreneur. 30 months around the world, and running….writing these words from Pondicherry, India. I am still learning how to be in the moment, but I have lived a rich exciting life. And I received my message through depression, instead of a terminal illness, thank goodness.
Love the message here buddy. Thanks for sharing your and Ken’s story. Be happy now, and attack life. I promise you all, from my experience, you will never regret it.
Ryan
This is a wonderful article and makes you realize so much. However, how do you live in the moment and feel at peace if those you love will not forgive you for something you never intended to happen? How can you live in peace knowing someone else dislikes you and holds a grudge on you and there is nothing you can do about it?
Oh, how it’s something to be “ready to die” in a sense that one has no regrets about the time that he or she has spent on this earth. You posed a really important question when asking “What if we were to become really conscious of our impermanence now, without needing an impending death sentence to wake ourselves up?” — I’ve learned, noticed and been reminded that no matter how much many of us say we’re going to be fully here in this lifetime, we tend to do the opposite, waiting for a better tomorrow or a more ideal circumstance that would grant us the freedom, courage or ability to be happy where we are.
There are two of the most common moments when we face our mortality, one of which you covered — receiving a death sentence in some form or fashion. The other, is when people we know die and we go to their funerals where those grieving unite over a vow to live their own lives to the fullest. Funerals are effective in the moment but those moments of clarity are fleeting, as those in mourning began to heal over time and then return to their life in the same (or similar) ways that they’ve approached it before someone else’s death.
Maybe it’s because, at funerals, we’re still looking at a death from the outside since it isn’t us laying in the casket. It isn’t until many people are facing a terminal illness or major life change of some sort, that they really began to grasp the finite nature of their very existence. We’re here one day but we can be gone on the next day.Happiness is not guaranteed to come at all, especially to those of us who wait for it, but death, unfortunately, is due to arrive at any time, without fail. It is, as it’s always been, up to us to determine what we do with the present moment that we have before that happens.
The thing about that is…. it is your thoughts about what they feel that are hurting you. It is completely possible that you are wrong. Or that they have changed their mind and you did not receive the memo. It doesn’t matter what thoughts they are holding on to. Move on. focus on the people in your life that are grateful you are there.
I really like this quote… “feel [your] life rather than analyze it”
To answer your question: It would be super awesome!
Thanks for sharing a nice story. I couldn’t agree more about this topic but unfortunately too many people unconsciously choose to postpone happiness. Making conscious decisions about our lives is what can bring us to the state in life you mention. I see this when I’m having workshops with students – people are more likely to make decisions based on what everyone else want them to do and forget themselves in the process. Making conscious decisions is the only way we can improve our lives and be able to smile when we close our eyes at one point.
Thanks for the post,
Best,
Anders Hasselstrøm
Motivational speaker
Thanks Ryan. I love your phrase “Be Happy Now”
Nice to hear you are doing just that.
Sarah, Thanks for your comment. It is often hard to really know what other people are doing with us – in them. We can ask, and perhaps we can make amends. But if there is nothing we can “redo” or if they will not communicate with us, then all we can do is forgive ourselves, knowing we are only human and as humans we will make mistakes. If we are really in the present moment, there are no thoughts to pull us back into the past or to worry over the future. What we are feeling, sensing, hearing, seeing is all that is really happening anyway and all that we have any control over. Perhaps we should chant over and over Ryan’s Biddulph’s mantra “Be Happy Now”.
Thank you Nicole for your comment. Yes, periodically we wake up to our impermanence, but staying awake is the tricky part, and part of us doesn’t even want to acknowledge this consciously. Yet, each day we can be more crisply alive if we practice acknowledging the preciousness, the miracle really, of being alive.
Thank you, Shannon. For me being in the present moment has to do with getting out of my thoughts and into my senses to experience what is happening right now.
Thank you for your comment Anders. I hope you will consider one of our workshops one day. I find being a student periodically is a way to further juice myself up. Sounds like we live on a similar wave length.
I couldn’t agree more :o)