“It takes two to manage the relationship, but it takes one to begin the change.” ~Sheri E. Ragland
So, your significant other doesn’t understand you. In fact you’re not even sure if they hear you. Despite trying to talk about things or take a break from each other, you end up arguing about the same thing over and over again.
You try this and you try that. You back away, you move in. You break up, you get back together. You try everything you can think of, and nothing is working, but you don’t want to end the relationship.
You finally realize that no matter what you two do, you eventually find your way back to the same conflict, repeating the same dance again and again and again. Nothing seems to ever change.
So, you get excited when you finally figure out what you need to do—couples counseling! Relief floods you, confident now that couples counseling will save this relationship! And so, you announce to your other half, “We need couples counseling.”
But alas, like a punch to your gut, your partner has no interest in couples counseling and refuses to go. Barely able to breathe, you know your relationship is really at an impasse and you are hopeless to know how to fix it. It is certainly doomed if you don’t get the counseling you both need.
I know the feeling. In fact, my car was packed at least once, and I was sure I was finally going to leave.
Thank goodness I didn’t.
Did you ever hear the old adage, “I married my mother” or “I married my father”? There is truth to this statement. Despite our inability to recognize it, we do often marry or partner with someone like our mother or our father.
And I am going to tell you why.
First and foremost, it’s familiar. We’re attracted to what we know. Secondly and most importantly, we marry or partner with someone like our mother or our father in an unconscious attempt at resolving old conflicts and feelings left over from those original and significant early relationships.
Read that again: We marry or partner with someone like our mother or our father in an unconscious attempt at resolving old conflicts and feelings left over from those original and significant early relationships.
That’s a lot to mull over, for sure.
Never underestimate the impact your childhood experience had on your life. Never underestimate the impact your relationship or lack thereof, with your mother and father had on your life. Even absent parents can have an immeasurable impact.
They were the mirror through which you learned to see yourself. If, more often than not, you had a positive, encouraging, supportive mirror, you likely grew up with healthy self-esteem. If that mirror was more often than not, judgmental, critical, unsupportive, or disinterested, then your self-worth is likely at the lower end of healthy.
Think about it. Those relationships, or lack of, sent you multitudes of unspoken messages.
The question is: What are the messages you took in and how are they affecting your current relationship?
I grew up in a male-dominated household and religion. It was not until I was an adult that I recognized that I believed men were more important than women. No one ever said that to me, but that was how I interpreted the male-dominated environments that gave little to no voice to women.
As a result, I rarely spoke up, remaining hidden. I found myself in unhealthy and unsatisfying relationships where I allowed men to dominate me. I never fully showed up as a valuable and integral part of the relationship I was in.
This is one of the ways that our past follows us into the present, inviting us to grow and learn beyond what childhood taught us. Figuring out how to navigate our emotional world and our relationships is paramount to this process. Hence, a not so peaceful, sometimes antagonizing relationship with the one you love can be the invitation you need.
So, s/he won’t accompany you to couples counseling. What to do??
Go yourself.
The change we want in our world, always starts with ourselves.
Now don’t get me wrong, I get it. If only s/he would [fill in the blank] it would all be okay. If s/he would stop [fill in the blank], I would be just fine. I just need him/her to [fill in the blank] and we’d be happy. And so it goes.
Every relationship has a dance. You do this and s/he does that. S/he does that and you do this. That would be the repeating pattern that has you going around and around and around, never resolving a thing.
You are both trying to convince the other of why you are right. That is a lose-lose situation.
When you can both recognize that this is not necessarily a right-wrong situation, both having valid points, you might find your way to a win-win situation.
If one partner changes their steps, breaking out of the old pattern, the other has three choices:
1. They can, and often do, do everything in their power to get you back into the dance steps you are both familiar with. Don’t let them suck you in. If you don’t they will be left with two choices:
2. They can leave altogether.
3. Their other choice is to change their dance to get in step with yours.
I understand, dear heart. This is hard and it is risky. Truly I do understand, because I’ve been there. If my spouse would just behave the way I want him to and treat me the way I think he should, then life would be perfect. We could just forget this whole dance thing.
In other words, if he molds himself to meet my needs, I won’t have to be disturbed or expected to take care of my own needs. Ah, wouldn’t that be nice?!
Maybe, not likely, but unrealistic, nonetheless.
So, I finally got into therapy. Alone.
Best decision I ever made. (Other than marrying my husband.)
It was hard work. Grueling at times. I had to unearth my childhood experience to finally understand I was expecting my husband to meet the needs that my parents had been unable to meet.
I was demanding. I wanted him to be interested all the time. Drop what he was doing when I needed him. I was irritable. I expected him to know what I needed without my telling him. I wanted him to coddle me and sympathize with my struggles.
I didn’t want a husband. I wanted a parent.
At some point in my therapy, I said, “If I had known then what I know now, I would have never married my husband.”
I have since said, “Thank God I didn’t know!”
I began to heal old wounds. My therapist became the surrogate parent who put a new mirror in front of me. This one showed me my strength, my ability, my heart. I began to realize I was capable and strong.
My moods stabilized. Depression lifted. Anxiety subsided.
I learned to listen to myself the way my therapist did. I learned to have compassion for myself the way my therapist did. I learned to love myself the way my therapist did. That was the mirror I needed—one that showed me my value, equal to that of anyone else.
Having done so, without even realizing it was happening, I stopped looking for my husband to parent me. I didn’t need him to. I was now doing it for myself. I began to see him more clearly, realizing how present and steadfast he had always been.
As I stopped putting demands on him, and accepted him just the way he was, he became more available to me. Our relationship improved. Tremendously.
As my steps changed, he changed his own and we found a healthier dance.
Now, I am not going to tell you that your outcome will be the same as mine. It may not be. You may get healthy enough to realize you don’t want the relationship anymore and you will then be able to take the appropriate steps to do what you need to do.
S/he may leave. Then you may have to grieve what the relationship never was to begin with. If things aren’t working as they are, then maybe you have less to lose than you think and fear is getting in the way.
Facing your fears, and delving in to your own insecurities, distorted beliefs, and unhappiness provides the opportunity to be free from emotional dependence on another person.
And that is a good thing.
That is a very, very good thing.
Don’t wait for someone else to get on board before you do what is best for you. Love yourself first and the rest will follow.
About Sandra Cooper
Sandra is enthusiastic about plunging the depths of the universe and she believes that starts by plunging the depths of her own inner world. She believes that healing and loving ourselves is the key to a joyful and free existence. She would love to have you journey with her as you discover your true self! www.Sandra-Cooper.net
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
This is a very helpful and insightful article. It reminds me of a line from a Jackson Brown song:
You win.
I win.
We lose.
Setting aside the Three As that blow up any chance at happiness in a relationship: Addiction, Adultery and Abuse….we have to stop looking for another person to “make” us happy. It is an illusion that leads to misery for both people in the relationship. It is too much of a burden for the person to shoulder- to be responsible for our joy.
Your emphatic point about working through the past, or repetition compulsion, is spot on. I remember calling my father at his work as a little girl, and he would never come to the phone. I often choose unavailable men who go MIA for days. Coincidence? Not a chance.
Incredibly insightful. I had a little epiphany just now, reading this.
Thanks for the article! This is much like my marriage of 24 years though a bit of a different struggle as my husband is Autistic and does not know HOW to comfort or communicate. It was hard on me as he was also military and deployed all the time while I raised 3 autistic kids 17 months apart alone without family and friends. I also suffer anxiety disorder and depression as scars from all those years, so his comfort was what I needed but he could not give. This hurt as I am a very passionate, active, and comforting woman, but I was and have always been the strength in the family. I have learned that counseling for myself helped me understand how my husband actually does try to comfort in a different way, HIS way. i.e. We are retired now and I do not have to work as he makes good money and understands I have put in so many years of blood and tears for him and our children (now teens). Though he didn’t want to go to counseling, he did even if to just sit there and listen because he did not know how to communicate. His way of telling me he loved me was to say “I’m not romantic and I don’t know how to comfort you at times the way you want a husband to, but I am here for you and you do not have to struggle anymore. You do not have to work anymore. You can be free and do the things you love.” Autism makes it hard but he has a different way of showing he loves me. In this relationship, I just lead the dance and he follows. I hope my kids find this kind of marriage when they fall in love since they are Autistic too. I learned that even if we think the other person isn’t listening or understanding us, they just might be giving in their own way, just not YOUR way.
Thank you for your kind words! Sounds like you have awesome awareness!! Neat when we can get beyond “coincidence”.
What a lovely, bittersweet story. I am glad to hear you are reaping the rewards of your hard work and dedication. You are so right, “they just might be giving in their own way, just not YOUR way.” Enjoy retirement!
Neat! I love epiphanies!!
This post is GREAT! Truly insightful and great perspective! Thank you for the reminder (as I am working on the same thing) to continue working on myself (doing some self discovery about my partner not a substitute parent…very powerful piece of this post!), and allowing the partnership live in much healthier and mutually respectful space! 🙂 AWESOME! Thank you!
Awesome for you!! Thank you for sharing! I am glad it was helpful.
Thank you so much for this article. I’m going through a lot of things failures and hard times and im taking it out on my partner friends I can see how I am abusing them for the abuse i had in my childhood.. I will read this everyday to improve my relationships and will learn to love myself more.. Thank you Ms. Cooper.
My husband cheated, I’m 8months pregnant with our second. I caught
him in the act and at first he tried to lie about it. There was no
yelling or any physical reactions. I simply isolated myself and took a
long shower to think and try not to fall into a depressive state. I
reflected, I know I have neglected him in the intimacy department. I’m
not shocked he cheated.
I’m quite certain it’ not the first time
like he insists, after he lied when he got caught his words mean nothing
to me. I could tell by his excessive drinking, allowing me to go to bed
alone and rather game on the PC until early morning hours, something
has been up.
He wanted to talk about it and got upset when I had
nothing to say at first but when I told him I know I have neglected him
and I don’t love myself, he didn’t respond. I show the damaged of having
2 children, I’m uncomfortable being the size of a blimp with our 3rd,
I’m a shell of my formal self and simply I have no libido. But he wanted
us to talk and then refused to say anything other than “I fucked up,
feel ashamed, was only thinking about my dick”.
I get men think
and react differently than women and women try to get at the center of
issues. I need more than that. I love my husband but I don’t know what
to do. He wants me to do all the talking and he wants to get away with
saying very little when right now I need more than that. I asked him if
the shoe were on the other foot would he be okay with me only saying “I
fucked up and only thought about my vagina” would he be able to forgive
and move on. The answer was silence.
He is a great dad and takes
care of his family and he helps out so much with everything from
cooking, cleaning and playing with the kids. He is military and being a
veteran myself I know Active Duty life sucks. This is the second
marriage for both of us. I’m a stay at home wife home schooling a 6yo,
raising a 1yo, 8 months pregnant and doing full time online university
classes. I cook and clean everyday, I’m spread so thin and I HATE this
housewife role. I hate not being able to help my husband financially
because I know its a lot of pressure. My husband is aware of all of
this. I know it comes down to balance and give and take.
I feel
very alone. Like I have nobody. My sole existence is to only give if
someone needs something from me like attention and sex.
My ex-boyfriend agreed to go couple counselling but still didn’t properly work on it. He left me and confessed cheating. Every person has their own inner child, he was not brave enough to see through it but avoided it every time challenges came. In the end, couple counselling is about how each individual could dedicate to the process.
Hi, I’ve tried counselling a number of times myself, and tried to work with counsellors to dig at this and find any connections between childhood or other early romantic relationships and the present, but I still haven’t been able to find much. My parents seemed to raise me well, not perfectly of course, but I don’t have too many complaints. Should I just keep going to try different counselors do you think, until I feel I make some permanent progress? I’m struggling with a similar relationship situation 4 years in and want to take your advice of going myself, but I am worried that the same sort of thing will happen again, we just kind talk about a whole range of things and then things naturally get better and I stop seeing a counsellor, but then months later things flare up in my relationship again to the point where we are talking about potentially breaking up and I want her to come to counselling with me as a kind of “last ditch effort” to save our relationship, but she won’t go.. says she doesn’t trust counsellors.
Hi, my name is Carla and my fiancé is a US navy sailor. We’ve been having some disagreements that I no longer understand how to fix and he won’t talk about the situation we’re in. It feels like he just doesn’t want to be with me anymore . I try to give him his space but it hurts me , since I am in New York and he is stationed in Virginia. Please if you could email me sometime.
-Carla. Almestica@gmail.com
Hi everyone my husband always wont’s me to listen to him but when I need him to listen to me he gives me this I don’t care look and twisting and turning with a frown on his face and that’s not fair to me he say he wants me but I believe he just doesn’t won’t to be alone when he drinks to much he tells me to just leave and don’t come back one day I just might do that what y’all think about this.
Okay, okay, I hear you, Universe! Loud and clear!
This is the 3rd time just this week, & for the 1st time in my life, that the concept of “learn to be your own healthy parental voice” has been laid in front of me to stumble randomly over. I had never heard of that concept and then BAM! I ran into 3 times in 7 days…lol
Sort of like when you learn a new word and suddenly you hear and see it everywhere.
Thank you, this is extremely insightful and helpful!
Hi I’ve been in a relationship for about 4 years with the same man. I realise I can only fix my self not my partner. But I want to take all the petty meaningless arguments and throw them out and have a good time in the important moments in our lifes. My partner on the other hand thinks its healthy to drive them into the ground it turns from petty to heated regularly. It has been like this for the whole 4 years. I have told him the importance in focusing on positive things unless it’s a problem that needs fixed and discussed. He agrees but refuses to do so in the moment. I dont know how much more I can take. I’m at a loss. I have no idea how to help us anymore. He says we can get counseling and yet we still haven’t got counseling. I can not have a 2 day argument about petty things. I have told him look I’m not silencing you if its important to you drop it for now and bring it up tomorrow. He says he will try it and again in the moment its a different story. I have no idea what to do he is my best friend for 16 years and partner for 4. I dont want us to end but I feel as if I’m in my own personal hell in arguements it’s been going on so long it now makes me feel like I’m going insane! Any advice or constructive criticism on this will be greatly appreciated thanks!
hi Sandra, I see this is a few years old now, but it is a really remarkable piece. a lot of what you’ve written has been played out right in front of me these past several months. unfortunately, I think in my particular case the relationship is beyond saving, despite me wanting to; I think i’m a little slow on processing all this and it is simply a case of too little too late, which is heart breaking. regardless, great advice, and thanks. James
sounds like me, i tried everything to get my ex to go to councelling she wouldnt do it, she told me not to waste my money, so i went by my self, i begged her to come, but no matter what she wouldnt come, she just wanted to end things,
of course there was another man, i found out a week after she dumped me. this was the second time she did this to me.
now i know what a narcissist means when they say “its too late”
it means , “its too late, i already started a relationship and cheated with someone else”
Wow! so grateful that I stumbled upon this article. If I can’t save my marriage at least reading this article will save me. thank you so much.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I can’t imagine how emotional (even if the emotion is depression) it must be to have your husband find intimacy in another woman. I do hope you are at least building a good relationship with a counsellor at the moment and working through this. I can see especially by how you ended your post that you are struggling with self-worth, and of course your relationship isn’t helping improve that. I believe trying to focus on your self-esteem/self-worth will help you you to move forward, only because unfortunately I don’t think you have an accurate view of the inherent value you have as a mother, as a woman, as a wife, or generally as a human being.
I took all the advice from all the experts. It didn’t help. I still had to leave, and I still had the guilt. It’s always the same: partner won’t go with you to counseling? Go yourself! That’s bad advice, in my view, even though I’ve done it a lot because I would try anything.
You just end up doing the work for them. It tires you out.
I went through a chain of deaths of extended family members in the span of 2 weeks and went through 2 weeks of covid – and it rattled and baffled me completely – so is it wrong to ask your husband to seek comfort ? A shoulder to cry on or kind words of motivation ? I neither got a hug or words of how we will get through that – nada – When asked he said that I should not be a baby and need to be an adult and not do anything at all – if spouses cant help each other during even worst times, why are we even getting into a relationship ?
“You just end up doing the work for them. It tires you out.”
I agree and feel what you are saying. If you do nothing, they won’t change, if you do all the work, they still won’t change. If you stay but decide to focus on other areas of your life, psychological growth, hobbies, friends etc. then they don’t care and still won’t change.
The author is correct about self examination but that only works to a point. It takes 2 to dance and if the other won’t then the music stops.
I agree as well. I did counseling for years by myself because my husband wouldn’t go. He would tell me he would, I’d make the appointments, and then he wouldn’t show up. How embarrassing. I’ve worked on myself and I’ve decided that our marriage is what it is. I can choose to leave, but will that make things better in my life? Or easier? Not really. I don’t want to start all over again, and I don’t really want to be single. We have a young daughter as well. So is it better to be on my own with my daughter? No, not really. I have resigned myself to a mediocre marriage. All these articles I read, and self-help talks, and conflict resolutions, and all is just more of me working on myself and my husband sitting around soaking up the benefits of me trying to be the better person. Whatever. But as long as my needs aren’t met, and as long as he doesn’t give 2 craps about changing his attitude and how it treats his family, then his needs will not be met by me either. Yes, that has led him to seek those needs elsewhere (in case you were wondering). But I lost trust in him long before that after so many promises weren’t kept. Now I just lead my life, let him lead his life, and we co-parent in the same house, and do things as a family, and more like friends I guess. Sad, and not what I expected for my life. But I’m under no illusion that life would be better on my own, raising my daughter by myself.
I also feel alone because I can’t talk about my husband cheating on me. Who would I tell? My friends and family didn’t like him to begin with and they judged him from the get-go. I can’t talk to his friends or family because he won’t tell them what he did. He doesn’t want to talk about it because he feels it is in the past and that he won’t do it again so why keep “re-hashing” it.
I’d say follow your gut. My first husband was like that and the cheating and gaslighting never stopped.
With this issue I moved passed it, however I have been focusing on me, working out with results, exploring my hobbies, made some friends and meditation. Not only have I grown and blossomed but people have noticed. The down side is my current husband that cheated on me while I was pregnant, has became very insecure. It hurts he is now the one depressed and filled with self doubt. Regardless of the past events, watching him struggle hurts. Watching anyone you love struggle hurts on a deep level. I try to encourage his hobbies and interest. It’s a struggle but the question is, how much energy do you want to exert on this other individual? When is enough, enough for you? Do you love yourself to be honest about how you really feel?