“I don’t like being too looked up at or too looked down on. I prefer meeting in the middle to being worshipped or spat out.” ~Joni Mitchell
Growing up, there were two sides of the kitchen table. On side A, there was my lieutenant colonel of the US Army, hardcore conservative, Wall Street trader of a father who used the word “faggot” while passing the salt.
On side B, there was little ole me, who was pretty sure that I was that word my father so vehemently used.
I thought Barbies were a fun toy (Malibu Barbie was my favorite, obviously) and at twelve years old, I got that funny feeling inside when I first laid eyes on Mark Wahlberg in his now infamous Calvin Klein ads. (Thanks for the memories, Markie Mark!)
So there I was on side B, always feeling as if my side was less than. How many of us have been there before?
I could never understand the larger than life, imposing, All-American man across from me, whose emotional unavailability and anger kept me at bay. But I tried, and tried, and tried.
It was as if there was always some sort of divide between the two of us, and no matter how desperately I wanted to close the gap, I couldn’t jump it. There was no safety net in our relationship, and so as I got older, it was one of the many reasons I went down a dangerous path.
Sure, the fear of my father that was ingrained in me was a catalyst for shame, feelings of unworthiness, and an inability to express who I was within the world.
It was also the black hole that I learned to fill with perseverance, self-respect, and authenticity, and for that I now see its purpose with gratitude.
When I hit rock bottom at twenty-five years old after years of drug, alcohol, and sex abuse, all roads led to the forgiveness of my father—and myself.
I thought back to his absence in my life. All of the athletic accomplishments that he overlooked, meanwhile celebrating my older brother’s football success. All of the dating conversations we never had, and all the times he could never say “I love you.”
I let those memories burn, and braced myself as the ashes dissipated in the air of my past. Though the immense pain, I cried as I waved goodbye.
I waved goodbye to the day when I came out of the closet at nineteen years old, and my dad replied that it was “his fault” since he has a gay cousin. I waved goodbye to his belief that there was something wrong with him for “passing along the gay gene.”
I parted with the memory that every time I brought good news, he could never celebrate it with me, as if it wasn’t good enough. I let go of the belief that I was never good enough.
With everything I waved arrivederci to, I waved hello and embraced all that I had become and am.
I welcomed the realization that it doesn’t matter if anyone else deems us worthy, so long as we accept ourselves.
I hallelujahed the knowledge that I was my father’s son, and his gift for his own self-growth; and if he simply was not willing to receive that gift at the time, this was not my fault.
It was not his fault either, as every person is doing the best they can at their own personal level of awareness. I could let go of all blame.
I could just be me, and let him be him, and live with the hope that one day, he and I could become an “Us.”
Within the larger story of Us, I see that our diversity is to be celebrated, and is the one thing that we all are able to appreciate in this often chaotic and messy world.
Our uniqueness is unique to us, and is a gift. I learned to be grateful for that. The great thing about gratitude is that it is a predecessor for forgiveness.
Once I was able to forgive my dad, I was able to see him differently. As I healed myself, my comfort around him healed us.
When I was freshly twenty-eight years old, I was going through a crippling yet transformative break-up, and on Father’s Day, I needed him.
I never spoke about men to my father, but I knew this was the moment. I packed my bags and blurry eyes in NYC and drove west to my parents’, where my dad was waiting for me.
There, in the den with the TV off, through the tension, I cried, opening up about how much I loved this particular man and how much I was hurting.
I admitted that I had started drinking again; that I felt deeply lost, that I needed help. That I needed my dad.
“You’re too nice of a person to let people do that to you” was his simple console. In its simplicity, it was enough. I was enough, and so was he.
The chasm got smaller; the separation united. I had jumped the gap and made it safely to the other side.
Nowadays, there’s a flow where the river was once damned. We talk more than ever; about how smart Peter Thiel is, or how the stock market is doing, and I also share personal stories with him. I share my authentic self.
Sometimes he just sits there and nods, and in his big blue eyes, I am given a world of quiet contentment. I no longer am looking to be anywhere but there when I am with him.
Our relationship makes me realize that if we could all have open and honest conversations with one another, we would be able to realize that we are all similar underneath our differences; that there is never a reason to create a divide between.
Of course, it takes two, and if the other person won’t meet us halfway, we can end up feeling divided in ourselves. If that happens, remember that you are wonderfully you for a higher reason.
You are uniquely you and meant to find those whom support you for all that you are. As you are, exactly who you are, there are others who were put here to simply support that person.
As an individual footprint in the paved path of the Universe, your mission is to be unapologetically who you are made to be. No one can step in your way if you are living a life of pure authenticity and self-respect, not even an unaccepting family member.
Remember that others’ negativity is a projection of their own pain—and have compassion for them.
How we feel about others is a direct mirror for how we feel about ourselves, and as someone who has experienced a lot of self-shame, I have seen the danger of taking my frustrations out on others and making it their fault.
Any sort of judgment stems from self-judgment, so the more another person irks us, the more we need to question what irks us about ourselves.
It’s important for us to remember that compassion can melt every boundary of anger and hurt.
Family contention can often be an opportunity to let go of self-blame and find forgiveness in spots that were once hidden to us, if we allow it to be.
It is often the stepping stone to massive healing if we are brave enough to take the jump. There is a reason why we go through everything.
Lastly, remember that you are allowed to hurt.
Some days, it’s important to let your heart bleed. Pain often connects us to our strength, so let it burn with faith that things are only getting better from here.
They really are.
The greatest part of my story is that when my father and I are at the dinner table now, there are no sides any longer; there is just one beautifully imperfect, real human relationship.
There is acceptance, and there is love. I know this not only because he is able to tell me so these days, but because I feel it within myself.
My relationship with my father gives me hope. It gives me strength. It gives me the belief that one day, between Side A and Side B, we’ll all be able to meet somewhere in the middle.
Man finding strength image via Shutterstock
About Garrett Paknis
Garrett Paknis is the creator of JustEnlightenment.com, a simple approach to the big topics in life. A spiritual mentor + energy healer, and artist, he resides in downtown Manhattan, NYC, and thinks life should be one giant dance party. Schedule a session and get his free eBook here.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
As I sit here with tears streaming down my face, I thank you for this beautifully written story, and admire your courage to get to this point. Reminding us how to live with more compassion, even when its not the easiest thing to do. thank you…
Hi Garrett,
Thanks so much for sharing your story with us.
Anybody who hurts others is hurt. As the saying goes, hurt people hurt people. Sure I can feel angry if I see hurt people hurting people and sure I may want to hurt the angry people in my anger but as you noted, having compassion is the way to soften your shell, and it’s the way to open your heart.
The other day we spotted a few street kids here abusing a deformed dog, hitting it with sticks, teasing it and angering it. The dog had a jaw issue of some sort, with teeth jutting out, in a perpetual snarl. One part of me told the kids to stop it, another part wanted to hit them with the stick and a 3rd part felt terrible for the dog. Another part of me felt compassion for them because hurt creatures, hurt creatures. They lived on the street and were likely not happy about it. They often times sniff glue in these parts of Nicaragua, the street kids that is.
If they are hurting others, they are suffering. I felt more compassion for the kids and it’s neat; when I made the shift, and when I felt less anger, I instantly noted how an older women stepped in to tell the kids to stop it, and they did. It’s almost like the more calm person gracefully moved in to bring peace to the situation when I cultivated compassion instead of anger in the situation.
Garrett, kudos to you for being courageous. Being vulnerable is a wonderful thing for it teaches others to be open, to accept rejection and also, to love those who are rejecting you, even if those folks are parents, sisters and brothers.
I have no story like yours but I know how it feels to be rejected by fam. For me, it’s based on the life that I live. I am pursuing my dream so I just don’t vibe with some fam members, and that’s OK. I choose to release them. Not in a bad way. Not in an angry way. Just in a way that shows we’re both on a different wavelength, a different journey, and that instead of seeking out the rejection by trying to make a fam relationship happen I have been better off releasing some fam members so we can both find better matches.
I formerly felt rejected because I tried to make a relationship or 2 work, with fam members, that was not meant to work. In some cases, we will instantly feel better, more loved, and we will see rejection end when we have compassion for the rejectors and when we stop forcing relationships with fam members to be what we think they should be. In some cases you just won’t vibe with a mom or dad or brother, and even though you will always love them you’ll spend most of your time being with folks who share your views or who are simply on the same wavelength.
It makes little sense to fight for a bond that has lessened, because force negates. I have largely been supported by my fam which is a blessing but have let go the members who aren’t vibing with me so we can both continue to find better matches. This has given me peace of mind and it has also helped me love these fam members even more, from a distance, because by detaching a bit I can truly see why their viewpoints on me have nothing to do with me.
Garrett, thanks again. I enjoyed this read. It gave me greater clarity into my family relationships and the life that I am living as someone who feels like an alien among fam and friends sometimes.
Have a wonderful day.
Ryan
Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I know it’s true that each person is doing the best they can from their own level of awareness, but your story helped me see this more clearly. I’m so glad that you and your father ended up having a deeper relationship.
I so admire your courage to be vulnerable, Garrett. What a beautiful story, and the best-case scenario as result. You faced this with such humanity. ‘
Thank You.
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Thanks for sharing your story Garrett. I love how you said ‘it doesn’t matter if anyone else deems us worthy, so long as we accept ourselves.’ It’s so true and it’s from there where we can start to love ourselves. Your article led my mind to this TED talk I watched this morning called Love No Matter What by Andrew Solomon where he talks about parents raising kids who are different and the line between unconditional love and unconditional acceptance, which I think many people would enjoy 🙂
I want to thank you for sharing your story, Garrett. I admire your courage to be vulnerable, which is a difficult thing to do.
My biological father walked out on me when I was an infant. Then, he walked back into my life when I was eight-years-old. I wanted to spend the night at his house, but he NEVER showed up. Unfortunately, I can’t forgive him for what he did to me. Everyday, I kept asking myself why. I carry anger and resentment towards him, and will continue for the rest of my life. The same goes for his family. No one bothered to maintain a relationship with me. Someday, they will reap what they sow.
At first, I felt I was being judged harshly for my biological father’s actions. I shouldn’t have to be held responsible for them. I know I haven’t done anything wrong. Twenty four years later, they want to come back into my life. I don’t see the point on playing these stupid mind games with these people, and if they really loved and cared about me, they should have been there since day one. I’m NOT an eight-year-old girl anymore. I’m an adult, who’s capable of making my own decisions.
Thank you Susan. I appreciate you letting me know It reminds me that I’m good where I am. And so are you! Much love to you and thanks for reading.
So glad this could help. I really appreciate you letting me know. It’s meaningful x 10! Much love.
Wow… Thank you Tina. Compassion really is where we get what we need, even when we have to reach deep in our pocket for it. Mega love and happiness to you. XO.
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~t
This is one of the most beautiful & touching stories I’ve read in quite some time… Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom & a part of your extraordinary journey..to say the least! 🙂
Thank you for sharing the word out on the TED Talk, ‘Love No Matter What’ By Andrew Solomon. 🙂
Thank you Garrett for your story , so happy that you found that connection with your father you always needed.. =) much love to you Garrett
😀
Garrett – This is a beautiful piece of your mind and I love knowing how much you help other people and how much you have helped yourself. I’m so glad your past and your experiences have transformed into your forward motion and your calling in life to lift other people up.
And finally – I actually cried reading what your dad told you. “You’re too nice of a person to let people do that to you.” Like I’m siting here at my desk, tears down my cheeks…just knowing you and knowing your beautiful parents, and knowing how powerful that one simple, beautiful sentence is. Your dad isn’t perfect but he is finding his elegance in even the simplest ways and he LOVES YOU. And he knows how spectacular you are and he’s always been paying attention. If he wasn’t…he wouldn’t be able to say such a perfect sentence about you. That you’re too nice of a person to let anyone hurt you.
Thanks for everything you put out into the world!
Ryan,
Thank you so much for your introspective and wonderful reply. It was one of the first ones I read, in extreme gratitude.
I love that you’re following your heart’s desires and have been able to detach from what your family thinks is right for you. I definitely agree that it can be liberating when you detach (after feeling rejected) and see that their viewpoints are not personal at all, and yet, still be able to love them from afar. That’s the marked territory of a brave heart. Ten points for you!
Again, thank you for letting me know that you enjoyed this piece. It means so, so much.
All great things to you!
Garrett
Theresa!
Thank YOU for your comment and for recommending Andrew Solomon’s TED Talk, which I enjoyed.
Feels like you have a pretty healthy grasp on yourself… 🙂
Keep loving!
Garrett
Ah, Mrs. Surakitbanharn!
“He knows how spectacular you are and he’s always been paying attention.”
I love you so much, soul sister!
You have touched me this morning — I feel you all the way from Australia.
Thank you. <3
Wow, thank you so much for this. Your support means everything. You are everything! Much love to you on your journey… sending harmony and grace. 🙂
Much love to you Anna! I really appreciate you taking the time to comment and send me your good juju. Sending it right back!
As the young adult (21) of a Narcissistic parent with an Enabling parent, I feel so sympathetic as well as empathetic towards this article. It is so difficult to feel like it isn’t your fault. But having only been an adult for a few years, and enduring abusive behavior for most of my life (especially after the age of 10), I knew it couldn’t have been my fault
A 14 year old me wouldn’t know what my parents’ hangups were (with me, themselves, their jobs, the world) and how that translated into abuse towards me (and is not an excuse, regardless).
If I go to the (seemingly) non-offending parent and am basically told that there is an issue but they’re not ready to deal with it and simultaneously defend the offending parent, that’s a huge problem. That is Enabling.
If withholding love and respect, or use humiliation in its place is a form of punishment, that is Emotional Abuse.
If you are gas-lighted, or are told that your memory of something very specific and hurtful is incorrect, that you are lying about said event, should be ashamed to think that any such event could or would have occurred and therefore you are have a warped sense of reality and are mentally inept, this is Psychological Abuse.
As well, it shouldn’t have been up to me to diagnose myself with Major Depression, Social Phobia, Generalized Anxiety, and Panic Anxiety. I thought I was just shy, honestly. Now I know that was ridiculously wrong. My parents should have known me well enough to know something wasn’t right long before things got so out of hand and gotten help. They should have known something was wrong when the severe signs showed up and my school counselor noticed before they did, or cared enough to do something about it in the least. Not doing so was Neglect.
And when I had these psychological and emotional struggles, that did not make me crazy and unlovable. If nothing else, it meant I needed more love, and needed help from someone who knew what to do.
For me, it wasn’t until I had come across an article written by a family psychologist, titled “You’re Not Crazy…It’s Your Mother!”, that I realized how brainwashed I’d become into thinking I was a problem child, that I was the source of my own anguish and for the dysfunction within my family for so many years. Clue 1 before the article was that my parents didn’t think I needed help (even though I had nightmares, panic attacks, self-harmed, feared school and panicked whenever I had to go back, went from A’s and high B’s to failing nearly every class, and tried to starve myself from severe self-consciousness, being suicidal).
Afterward, I began devouring every source of information I could get about this form of abuse, what it was, how it manifests, what to do about it, etc. I got MYSELF into therapy, on medication, and started working on myself and going out into the world more to get away from the dysfunction. At 21, I am happier than ever with myself, with the woman I’ve grown up to be, have a very healthy and happy relationship of 4 years, and excited about what my future has the possibility of becoming. I still struggle with anxiety and depression, but I’ve learned that surrounding myself with “adopted” loved ones rather than blood relatives leads to true happiness and healthy relationships.
It is never okay for ANYONE to treat you like you are a problem to be rid of, especially not by your parents. If you don’t feel loved, appreciated, or respected – bottom line – leave. Toxic relationships are not acceptable just because they’re blood.
If any of this sounds familiar, please do NOT wait to get help and leave. It took me my whole life to realize what was going on, and even now I still struggle with identifying if or when I am the issue. It’s mind-bending. Don’t let yourself be manipulated anymore. And if you need someone to talk to, I will always listen – It does not matter if I have never met you, or we never speak. Everyone needs someone to talk to and I can lend an understanding ear and a bit of perspective. No one should define your self-worth but you.
Much love and positivity <3
This was meant to be posted on another article of similar subject matter, I apologize for the irrelevance to this particular read.