“To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.” ~Unknown
After four years, four months and seven days of a long distance relationship with a mountain guide (between my NYC apartment and Maine, northern New Hampshire, Jackson Hole, WY, and various other parts of mountainous America), I was at the end of my rope, so to speak.
Being slightly older than him, and much less capable of handling the gaps of two to five weeks between seeing each other, I suddenly felt a strong urge to move on. I was craving the next part of my life, whether with him, or without.
For months leading up to September 21st, 2011, I was constantly wanting more from him and blaming him when he couldn’t or wouldn’t give it. To me, “more” meant traveling more to see me, spending more time and arguing less when we were together (despite the immense amount of pressure I put on every visit), and communicating with me more often when we were apart.
Constantly terrified I would lose him, I was hanging on to something I wasn’t sure I wanted, or perhaps wanted for the wrong reasons. In my over-analysis of it all, I was becoming lonely, desperate, and depressed.
I was barely surviving the relationship, let alone thriving, which is what I really wanted. I couldn’t force the result I wanted, and I felt powerless. I figured it wasn’t meant to be.
But when we were together, it felt like we were.
Then I felt the crazy creeping in. (Yes, more than it already had.) At some point in the fog, it became clear to me that I was completely attached to a single outcome—that he would change his life to fit mine.
For years I felt like I had fit into his life (we started dating just a few weeks before I got laid off of my dream job). But what needed to happen was to create one life together. And in order to do that, I needed to get clear on what I wanted for my life, and for our future, because until I did, he would never be good enough. I later learned that acceptance is the first step to thriving with someone.
I started to look at the situation with objective eyes and realized what didn’t work for me and what did.
What didn’t work was seeing each other a total of three months out of the year. What worked was that he had chosen an adventurous and inspiring career, and I accepted that. What didn’t work was to be far away from a major city, specifically New York or Los Angeles, while still developing my music career. What did work was to live in the country only an hour and a half away from New York.
With this new self-awareness and clarity, I was able to pack up my car to go visit him in New Hampshire, and be okay with the fact it could be the last visit. I was ready to let him know my terms, where I was willing to be flexible, and where I knew I had to take care of myself. I was open to the fact that it may not work out. And in that openness, there was room to choose.
So besides packing up my things for the four-day visit, I packed up his things, from shirts to boxers to a pair of shoes to his rollerblades. (Yes, folks, the boy can rollerblade. He grew up on a river in Maine and ice skated all his life. It’s quite sexy actually.)
When I arrived in New Hampshire, we dove into a deep conversation about our future. For the first time, I was not telling him what I thought he wanted to hear. I was clear, I was powerful, and all the while, I was not making him wrong or blaming him for anything.
My communication came across clearly. We were able to create what a “day in the life of us” really looked like. After creating that, I cried. I had been so focused on how it wasn’t ever going to work that I wasn’t able to imagine the wonderful ways it could.
The next day, we went rock climbing and he proposed at the top of the climb.
When we got back to the car, he said “Hey, why are my rollerblades in your car”?
My answer: “To make room for you.”
Whatever kind of situation you may be in when you are making a decision, you may find these ideas helpful in creating clarity and peace around your choice:
1. Acknowledge the other option.
Be open to the fact that you are choosing between two things, and one of them may not work for you. Acknowledging the other side will allow to you choose more powerfully. It is like the saying that good cannot exist without evil. Your ultimate choice cannot exist without its counter-choice.
2. Pack the rollerblades.
With a clear head, you can be completely unattached to the outcome. With this freedom, you create the space for a powerful decision to be made.
3. Know, with all your heart, what you want.
Examine what works and what doesn’t work for you. This isn’t, oh he chews popcorn too loudly, or my boss smells. Go deeper, and look at whether you see yourself thriving or merely surviving in a situation.
4. Visualize both options and get familiar with how you see yourself in either situation.
Just knowing, on a deep, subconscious level, that you will be okay will extract some of the drama of the situation and create peace.
5. Communicate with arrowhead precision.
Once you have your clear head, when you know what works for you and what doesn’t, include the necessary people on your clarity. Communicate exactly what you want, the possible outcomes, your preference, and let them join the conversation. Your coherence may be the ticket they needed to reach a logical decision themselves.
What helps you when you have to make a tough choice?
Photo by Jack Parrott
About Cheryl Engelhardt
Cheryl is a composer and singer/songwriter. Her website is www.CBEmusic.com and she writes a music industry blog called Living On Gigging. She just released "In The Key Of Success: The 5 Week Jump- Start Strategy," an E-Course for musicians and artists on how to jump-start their careers through finding their true purpose.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
It’s funny how things sometimes happen.. I read the title of the article on the front page I opened it hoping to find something that will help me see if I made the right choice to end the long-distance relationship and marry my boyfriend.
Excellent tips on weighing your options when making a tough decision… I need those right now.
Hi Cheryl,
Long distance relationships are never easy. It is a remarkable accomplishment to have lasted over 4 years and to still be going strong. Given the difficulties involved, it is not hard to see why you felt lonely and depressed. Â
But as hard as it is to admit, you have showed us from your heartfelt story that it is how you perceive things and hold on to one outcome that led to your distress. Changing your perception with a new found awareness changed your situation entirely. It is pretty amazing how that works out. Â
I appreciate the ideas you have listed from your experience to help us find clarity when it comes to making decisions. Everybody would benefit from being able to make better decisions. The ideas that stand out most for me are:
1. Acknowledge the other option
This is easy and yet hard at the same time. It is hard to admit that an outcome we hope for may not happen. This is especially so when we have invested so much in it. But the other option may not be as bad as we imagine it to be. Actually, there may be more than 2 options. When it comes to problem solving, I firmly believe that creativity is the key. One way may not work out, but there are other ways. It is just a matter of finding or creating them. Â
3. Know, with all your heart, what you want
Indeed this is a vital point. Unless you are fully aware of what you want and what you don’t, what you can live with and what you can’t, you will only end up choosing poorly. But when you are fully in harmony within, the choices you have to make become more obvious.
5. Communicate with arrowhead precision
I never like to beat about the bush. There is always room for miscommunication if I don’t say exactly what I want. But here, delivery is vital and tact is important. If we do not deliver the message in the right way, it will only end up creating resistance in the other party. So we need to be precise in our delivery as well.
As for what helps me to make tough choices? I have found that it helps to know the outcome of my choices and actions before I make them. I do so through divination with the ancient Chinese Book of Changes the I-Ching which I have been studying for almost a decade. With this foresight and foreknowledge, the best choice amongst the tough choices becomes as obvious as the sun rising from the east for me.
Thank you for sharing this heartfelt story Cheryl and thank you Lori for publishing it!
Irving the Vizier
Thank you Irving for such an in-depth response! It warms my heart.
wow, this gives me chills. Thank you for sharing. And it’s a choice I find myself having to make over and over again, not just that one time when I said “yes”. When it gets hard like when he’s away or I’m lonely, or questioning, or doubting, it’s time to make that “yes” choice again, and remind myself that I chose it for a reason. Congratulations to you!
Thank you. I’m sending you good vibes for power and clarity, Elizabeth!
Indeed, I couldn’t quite believe it as I was reading your story. We live
in different European countries so we see each other every few months
and it was just no way to live. Only time I was truly happy was when I
was with him and the rest of the time just felt like surviving, waiting
for days to pass. Sad thing about long-distance relationship is that
it’s either all or nothing, you either marry or you break up. We are
quite young and terrified of marriage but the idea of breaking up for
no reason but fear seems much worse. So, like you say, you keep making
that choice every day and remind yourself that you have to jump to fly.
Besides, if you don’t try you will never stop wondering “with what
if…” 🙂
Thank you for sharing Cheryl, well said and powerful
Thank you Ben!
I’ve been sobbing while reading your article. I can completely relate to it. My long distance relationship for almost 3 years has ended and up to this very moment it is still tearing my heart, I am having a tough time accepting things. I’ve decided not to chase after him because I have acknowledged the other option and you are right that  acknowledging the other side will allow me choose more powerfully. I am still hurting because he gave up, I’m hurting because we need to end up this way, I am hurting because there are so many questions left unanswered but I guess we’re better off like this.
Thanks for writing this article, this surely helped me in my moving on process.
Jamiella, I’m so glad to hear you have gained some power around your choice to move on, and I’m sorry it ended up with you hurting. I know long distance is so hard on both people as individuals AND on the relationship- that’s 3 elements of the equation that have to be equally strong, and sometimes they all don’t align. Acknowledge yourself for the strength you have and everything you learned in the relationship. Honor it and its place in your life and look forward to a powerful, beautiful future.
This article resonated so much with my current situation that I cried while reading this – it is exactly what I needed in this very moment. When you said “I was completely attached to a single outcome—that he would change his life to fit mine,” I realized that this is how I had been feeling, and thus been shaping my actions towards him. Clarity is power. Thank you so much for this post Cheryl.
“Go deeper, and look at whether you see yourself thriving or merely surviving in a situation.”
I struggle with this – my head is full of SHOULDS: shouldn’t I allow myself to thrive in any situation? Should I make a change and expect a different outcome? Shouldn’t I just pack MY rollerblades?
I really appreciate this article – it has set wheels in motion that just might help me to let go and get out of shouldville.
Thanks.
I have been in a long distance relation once and I had to let it go as things didn’t workout the way we both expected as our expectations were high from each other and there was little time that we could devote to each other.
I am so glad for you! Clarity IS power. I love that. Thank you for sharing 🙂
Ah, Shouldville. Not a good place to be (in fact, it makes being, just “being”, very difficult). Glad your moving out!
sometimes in hurry we make wrong decisions on which we regret lifetime.
True, yet I believe there is no decision so permanent that cannot be reversed, mended, or cleaned up so that you can be complete with your past. I like the saying that decision, or “to decide” is similar to the words “homocide”, “genocide” – something, some option, is getting killed off. To choose, on the other hand, is to acknowledge the other options and know that you can choose again. You can go back.Â
Amazing post. Thank you so much for your insight xx
“I was constantly wanting more from him and blaming him when he couldn’t or wouldn’t give it.”
entitled and self-centered.
“To me, “more” meant traveling more to see me, spending more time and arguing less when we were together (despite the immense amount of pressure I put on every visit), and communicating with me more often when we were apart.”
again, entitled and self-centered.
to be honest, i’m surprised the guy stuck around all this time. unless he has his own issues.
it’s a good thing you spoke your mind, but at the same time… entitled, needy, clingy, insecure, anxiety issues, and a fear of abandonment from a guy who obviously wants to be with you, despite his time consuming and stressful career. proof? he proposed to you!
you were blaming the other guy, when you should’ve been focusing on the mind games you were playing with yourself.
some people are fine with independence, while others need their partners close to them at all times, or all hell breaks loose. you’re the latter.
Amazing article. But i’ve a doubt here on the last point you discussed. With me, consulting others distracts me grealty and i lose my focus, especially when the people are your closed ones, like parents. I am an emotional person and when i ask others about their opinions, i start questioning myself if i’m right. How to deal with this now whn u r clear abt what to do but your closed ones stop you from making such decisions because our decision are directly or indirectly inappropriate for them….(societal pressures, ego, reputation and orthodox ideologies are often the reasons here).