“I’d rather be honest and authentic and disappoint some people than exhaust myself trying to keep up the façade of perfection.” ~Crystal Paine
So many people walk around each day masking their true feelings because they are considered the “strong one” or “the upbeat, bubbly one,” or, since they give so much of themselves supporting others, they’re not seen as having any emotions other than happy. If you’ve ever felt like you had to hold it together all the time to keep up a façade for others, there’s freedom in letting people know that you have feelings too.
Keeping it together has always been my thing. You know the phrase “never let ’em see you sweat”? Well, even in my worst moments, I would keep it all in place and poised for the public, but I’d be secretly dying on the inside because of the pain or challenges I was going through.
It can catch some people off guard to see you be real, revealing that you don’t have it all together, and at times their responses can leave you wounded. I know that feeling all too well.
A few months back, I attended an event to support a colleague, and I bumped into someone I knew well. He asked me how I was doing, and I responded honestly with, “I’m hanging in there, but I’m fine.”
He immediately made a face and seemed disturbed by my response. He said, “Woooooah, you gotta change that. You sound too defeated, and that’s not what I want to hear from you.”
He went on to say, “What you said makes me want to back away from you and go the opposite direction. It’s too much for me. You must always answer with a positive response.” He then went on to provide ways for me to respond in the near future.
What this person didn’t know was, I was feeling down and discouraged because I felt I wasn’t as far as I should be in my life and business.
I had poured all of myself into doing things to get the business running consistently; however, whenever I looked at all the effort I put in and saw things not happening as quickly as I thought they should, I felt as if I’d failed. So, it was a tough time as I sorted through those different emotions.
At first, I felt lousy about my response, because with me being considered the “upbeat, strong one,” always smiling and helping others to feel better, there is an assumption of how I should be at all times. I thought I had somehow let that person down by revealing my true feelings in that moment. I also felt embarrassed because I’d exposed a small part of myself and felt like I was rejected and told how I should sound.
But after I thought about it, I realized I was fine with my response because it was a genuine answer. I am on a path of making true connections with others, and I no longer want to “act” and pretend to be fine when I’m not.
While this person didn’t have any ill intent and actually thought he was being helpful in telling me how I should respond, it clearly made it uncomfortable for me to open up to him the next time around.
It made me think about why some people try to force others to hide behind a mask. Why do people expect you to always be “on”?
This was a moment for someone to find out what was truly going on with me, to find out why I seemed so down, and to make a true connection, instead of offering me another mask to wear in his presence.
This led me to wonder, when we ask people, “How are you doing?” are we really open to an honest response, or are we looking to hear the template response we so often hear, “I’m fine”?
I also thought about how many people wear a mask every day or keep a façade to avoid showing their humanity and potentially making others feel uncomfortable. The people we interact with every day are carrying worries, concerns, and emotional pain within, and we cannot ask them to put on a fake smiley face and tell them to be on their way. These people need someone to truly see them.
If you sometimes hide your true feelings behind a mask, here are a few ways to begin opening up.
Practice honestly connecting with people, even if you start small.
As psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith wrote, “When you open your mouth, you’re also opening your heart. And knowing that someone truly hears what you are feeling and understands you is soothing to the soul.”
If you’re not accustomed to opening your heart to people, start small by sharing one thing you’re thinking or feeling but may be tempted to keep inside. Opening up to others will allow you the space to be yourself, and from there you’ll clearly see who’s willing to receive what you have to say with an open heart. You’ll also begin to forge deeper relationships through your honest connections.
Also, be the person who allows others the space to just be and offer support and guidance as needed. Ask about their lives, and let them know you’re happy to be a nonjudgmental ear. Giving people room to share pieces of themselves lets them know you’re there for them and they can be honest with you.
Allow yourself space to feel.
Many times when we avoid sharing our feelings with others, it’s because we haven’t given ourselves space to identify and process our emotions. We try to cover them up or engage in activities to mask the pain, but they don’t go away when we do this. Left unprocessed, our feelings tend to leak out in other ways. For example, we may overreact in unrelated situations.
Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel, without judgment, and learn to recognize when you’re lying to yourself, telling yourself you’re “fine” when you’re not. The first step to being honest with others is being honest with yourself.
Be kind to yourself.
We tend to beat ourselves up when we do not respond, act, speak, or think how others believe we should. This can put pressure on us to shift to meet everyone else’s needs without truly acknowledging our own.
Get in the habit of checking in with yourself and meeting your emotional needs, whether that means processing your feelings in a journal or practicing self-care. The more you respect your truth and your needs, the better you’ll be able to communicate them to others.
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It’s a heavy burden to hide behind a façade or wear a mask. Allow yourself to experience the freedom of being authentic in each moment and making genuine connections with people who can receive your feelings.
There’s power in putting down your superhero cape, being vulnerable, and sharing your truth. You don’t have to hide, pretend, or feel bad about not always being the “strong one.” You’re not weak, you’re human, and you never have to apologize for that.
About Raphaela Browne
Raphaela Browne is a Certified Transformation + Career Coach and Nonprofit Organizational Consultant, committed to supporting professional women and organizations with embracing change and transitioning seamlessly to their next big thing. Schedule a complimentary session by clicking the link Schedule your session here or visit her at www.raphaelabrowne.com for more information.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Thank you Raphaela. A very important lesson we all need to learn. I was fighting what was diagnosed as terminal (I’m still here!!!) and when people asked me how I was doing, I’d say, “I’m hanging in there.” That’s NOT saying how I’m doing. It’s a dodge against saying how I really feel. I’m recovered (?) and now, if you ask me how I’m feeling…..watch out!!! I will tell you the truth and if you’re not prepared to hear that, then don’t ask. Being given a potential death sentence freed me from not telling my truth. Too bad it had to take that sentence for me to get there. But some of us learn slower than others.
Woa! This is so motivating. Thanks Raphaela for the deep and life changing insights. It is true that many of us mask our feelings thinking that expressing some of our bad emotions is a sign of weakness. How wrong! The moment we realize that expressing our true feelings is human life will just have began. I’m so in love with motivational and life changing stories. You may also want to check my blog here http://goodlifekenya.com
I have thought about this a lot. Usually when people ask “how are you,” they are really not asking, they are just saying hello. Try simply saying “hello” in response and many times they may not even realize that you didn’t answer the question, because they weren’t really asking in the first place.
In a similar way, when people ask “what do you do” in the context of a first meeting at a social event, it is possible to have some fun with it – instead of announcing your job title, tell them what’s important to you. For example, “Well, I try to enjoy each day, stay mindful of how I am feeling, learn something new when I can, and be kind to myself and others.” Some people may look at you like you are from another planet, but it can be an opportunity to detect and get to know those few people who are not put off by your not giving them the stock, rote answer they were expecting to hear.
Yes!! Everything you wrote resonates with me. Thanks for sharing and I’ll check out your blog too!
It’s truly a blessing that you are here! Many people wear a mask hiding how they feel and who they are. I’m glad you share your true feelings and continue living life at its best. Also we each have our own journey to learn things in life so there’s no judgement on the time it took. Thanks so much for sharing!
Stacey, I appreciate your transparency and your courage to leave a relationship where the person did not truly see you! You deserve a healthy relationship where your partner loves, respects and accepts you. I wish you much love and peace on your new journey.
Thanks for sharing your view point Dr_Blues.
I think if you’re speaking to a stranger it would be normal not to spill everything that’s going on with you, as the stranger wouldn’t have any context or capacity to handle what you’re sharing. However if you’re familiar with someone or have a relationship with a person , you would be more open to share what’s going on with you, especially if you need support. I think at times people say things just to say them out of habit such as “how are you” and in the long run they are not connecting to folks. You never know how just 1 minute of encouraging someone could help them on their journey.
I do agree at social events you don’t have to give a job title but can share what it is you do in a fun way or even share what your passionate about. I like the idea of making things fun.
Thanks, Raphaela. I have a few blog posts on my web site that might be of interest at http://www.dr-adamfront.com. I tend to look at the influence of our beliefs (and the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves and others) on the way we feel. These stories in our heads often determine what we tell ourselves about what is possible and not possible. Thanks again for the thought provoking piece.
I will check out your website. Thanks for sharing!
This piece so resonates with me. I have been working hard to identify, communicate, and allow myself to feel my feelings. Then, three years ago, I had the opportunity to honestly and authentically communicate my feelings. In a matter of 8 months, I was in a major car accident, we had a house fire, and my husband was diagnosed with a rare, typically fatal cancer followed by an unsuccessful surgery to remove the cancer. I felt like I’d been punched out by Mike Tyson! When people asked how I was doing and I honestly told them that I was struggling, I could tell that many were uncomfortable. I can still remember my sister and I having a conversation at that time and she told me I needed to put more positivity out into the world. I was completely floored! I reacted with anger over being told to be happy at a time it would be perfectly normal to be struggling. It damaged our relationship. I really tried to be positive and happy, but I couldn’t put the mask on all the time.
In our current culture, positivity is very much admired. Though many espouse being authentic, the news is filled with stories of people who’ve suffered incredible losses who never utter a word of sorrow, but instead spring back almost immediately. Some friends and acquaintances seemed to expect that of me as well. This culture of the immediately upbeat rebound is very damaging, It undercuts honest responses to “How are you?”
Thank you VERY much for this post!
omg this is so true, people always come to me because im the positive happy one that makes THEM feel better, and deal with my own insecurities or downs on my own. Whenever i try to talk to people, i get either turned away because im not being myself or they go into this thing of omg that doesn’t sound like you. Yes it is me, all of me
i was actually thinking right now. why i’m always wondering if i’m fine , cause honestly i don’t even know now if i’m still fine