“Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.” ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I’ve always been a dreamer. A really big dreamer. For the most part, it’s served me well. I was the first person in my family to graduate from college. A private college, magna cum laude, while raising four children alone. I don’t do mediocrity.
I worked hard and brought our family out of poverty singlehandedly. We moved to a better neighborhood, built a nice house, and went on vacations. I was no ordinary woman. I’d much prefer to raise those kids alone than to settle for the companionship of a mere mortal man.
The man I sought had to be equally well-educated, ambitious, successful, attractive, and generous.
I also would have preferred that he not want any children and would be happy to help me raise mine since I had so many.
Finally, he had to be well-read, close to my own age, and not addicted to television. I froze out the older men who would have been happy to date me.
Guess what happened? I raised those four kids alone while reading every self-help book I could find and begging every deity I could think of to send me a mate. I absolutely refused to “settle.”
It’s very common for people who’ve been single for a long time to say that they won’t settle. They maintain that they could have been married or in a relationship by this time if they’d settled, but they are going to hold out for the best.
How about you? Are you holding out for a “package,” a person who possesses all of the qualities on a list you’ve made?
If so, I’d like to encourage you to consider the value of having a flesh and blood human being in your life to love you, care when you’ve had a bad day at work, or bring you soup when you’re sick. You’ll have the opportunity to experience loving this person back and sharing your life with them. It’s tough to cuddle up to a list.
The truth is, dating someone who doesn’t possess every quality you wish for isn’t the same thing as settling. You probably don’t have every trait your would-be mate desires and whether you realize it or not, you’ve already been settling.
Being open to dating outside your type is not settling. Most of us understand that we’re not going to get every single thing we want in life and it really is okay.
You don’t refuse to find a place to live just because you can’t afford a ten-bedroom mansion. Instead, you buy or rent a place within your means and go on about your business. This is a perfectly reasonable thing to do and most of us are fine with the concept until we consider dating. Then we insist on “having it all.”
If you’re only 5’4”, does he really have to be over six feet tall? Wouldn’t you prefer that he was kind to you? If she’s at the gym five times a week, but doesn’t want to be your girlfriend because she’s still seeing other men, what’s the point?
If you have a “list,” consider which items are the most important to you and prioritize them. You’re probably not going to find someone who has everything you want, but you can find someone who has what you value most highly.
Consider what traits add value to a relationship. For example, “chemistry” and “sense of humor” are fun and necessary to some extent, but “conflict resolution” and “good character” can make or break a long-term partnership. These qualities may not be as romantic, but where’s the last person you had off the charts chemistry with right now?
When you meet someone you really like, that person most likely will need to give up a few items on his or her wish list in order to be with you. He may have wanted someone who loved college football, she may have preferred someone taller. There may be unanticipated differences in political opinions, food preferences, or hobbies.
No matter what desired traits are being given up, your intended will hopefully choose to be with you, a real person, instead of holding out for someone who possesses qualities on a list. Ideally, he or she will realize that the person their list describes may not exist, but you do. You are here with them now and offering them a chance at love.
They can make the most of this chance now, or refuse to settle and relinquish the opportunity to be with you. Sadly, many of us do move on in pursuit of “the list” and continue to do so for years despite the lack of evidence that this mythical person exists.
Refusing to settle is often cited as the reason for being single, but if you think about it you’ll realize that you’ve been settling all along.
Most likely, you’ve settled for years alone or you’ve been dating people who haven’t been treating you well. You let them get away with their subpar treatment of you because of the chemistry you feel, their success, or physical appeal.
Did you dump that nice guy who was only an inch taller than you for the six foot tall MBA who never had time for you? What about blowing off the sweet but slightly insecure girl for the more mysterious, harder to get woman who ended up cheating on you? That’s settling.
I myself finally learned the value of prioritization, and after more than a decade alone found myself with a wonderful man.
He doesn’t go to the gym, eat kale, or share my religion, but he adores me. I feel safe with him, and he lets me know how loved I am every single day. It turns out that being the apple of someone’s eye is a wonderful experience and very much worth “settling” for.
Surface traits are very enticing, but they do not offer much in the way of long-term relationship potential.
Don’t trade an idea that has no basis in reality for the experience of having love in your life. The person your list describes likely doesn’t exist, and if he or she does, once you get to know them, you may find they’re not perfect either. If what you really want is a fulfilling relationship, open your heart and prioritize love today.
Couple in love image via Shutterstock
About Renée Suzanne
Renée Suzanne is a coach for smart, successful women who want to find love. Her two books, Beloved – How to Go from Relationship Challenged to Relationship Ready and Ten Things You Can Do to Upgrade Your Love Life are available on Amazon. She also has over 150 inspiring videos on her YouTube channel. Want more love in your life? Check out her free course at reneesuzannecoaching.com. You can also follow her on Facebook.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I have been debating in my head if I’m settling. He’s a great guy but physically not my type and doesn’t share a lot of my interests. However, he really loves me. Reading this made me realize that I might not be settling after all. Thank you.
I’ve been with my guy for 2 years now and a faint voice in my head thought I may have been settling because, like you, I had so many dreams and ideals in my head of what he would be. I wanted a rockstar, someone wild and artistically inclined like myself. I got that and it was the worst three months of my life. Now I’m with someone who doesn’t like to go out to bars or clubs, has no artistic interests but he loves me and goes out of his way to show me he cares about the things I care about. I never knew this feeling was normal. Now i see. Thank you so much for writing this article!!!
You’re so welcome! I’m so glad you enjoyed it and that you’re with someone who makes you happy!
So wonderful that he really loves you!! That’s key.
loved it.:)
Thank you!
Love this post. I think why many single people along with married individuals are unhappy with the intimate lives is because of their unreal expectations from their ideal mate. We rob ourselves of potential joys along with potential heartbreak because we want things to be ideal and I blame this on the media, culture, and ourselves when we dont take that leap of faith to enjoy the journey despite not receiving perfection or certainty.
-Tom
good post, thank you. but I am a little confused.
many love coaches advise that “you should know what you want in a relationship, in a man, or whatever”. on the other hand, you recommend to give up some traits, some criteria from the list, or even ditch the list (this is what you are recommending!! isn’t it?)!!
If you’re paying attention to a list, what your not paying attention to is the quality of the relationship: how do you feel when you spend time with that person? Your list robs you of the ability to be present!
Thanks so much Rima. I’m glad you enjoyed the post. What I’m recommending is having priorities and standards, just as we do in other areas. It confounds me that most people are willing to do this in every other area but romantic relationships. It doesn’t pay to hold out for someone who possesses a laundry list of qualities (who may or may not even exist) and pass up on people who can offer you what you truly need in a relationship. By all means, know what you want and need, and then prioritize your needs.
This is so true. I love the perfectly imperfect. Perfect can be kind of boring anyway.
So very true!
This is something I’ve been struggling with for a few years. My husband is a wonderful person and my best friend in the world. We’ve been together well over half our lives.
But we’re also, and have been for years, completely sexless. My fear is that we’ve simply petered out as a couple and are comfortable to remain best friends and housemates, but because neither of us ever wants to hurt the other, we’re holding each other back from finding passion and being truly happy again. [There’s zero chance that he’s cheating, and neither am I.]
I don’t want to be in the dating pool for the first time at forty-plus (we got together when I was 18, and neither of us really had much romantic history). He is on the autism spectrum, and says (we’ve discussed this openly) that he probably wouldn’t much bother trying to date.
I’ll never not love him, but I want to be *in love* again, and I don’t see it happening. There’s a lot of baggage and a lot of water under the bridge as far as rekindling our physical relationship. I feel like I’m simply waiting life out, living my life with the volume turned all the way down. But there’s not a single negative thing about him or about the way we get along. We laugh together, we still think each other is brilliant and hilarious, we never fight. In so many ways, we have what everyone else is looking for, and yet…not, and I don’t know what to do with that.
Thank you. This came to me at the perfect time.
Had to smile to this because it’s funny how it’s working for me… I was ready to move mountains for this charmer who was close to my petite frame and who came from a different cultural background… but he dumped me… So now I am “settling” for an old friend, who is six feet tall and gorgeous and moves mountains for me. Btw.. this also helped me ‘settle’ for the apartment I’m going to move into next month. A pretty one within my budget but is not as lofty as the one I wish to have. Thanks, and much blessings to you!
I think there is also a huge aspect of this entire issue that varies from person to person that splits humanity into two valid camps, thus making the “you need to do some settling” more valid for some and the “if it is so strong in you that you keep needing someone other than the one you’re with, maybe you need to let that person go free” for others. I think the former (and the aim of this wonderful article) is needed by more people than those people come to terms with. The reason? It seems that most people are indeed best and more complete when they find someone to share their life with as opposed to being alone for most of it.
This would suggest that not one single formula applies to all people, yes. I suppose that we each have to ask ourselves with the most honesty we can muster: “which camp holds more sway with who I am?, with my heart and with my spirit?”
It’s also extremely important to note one exception: I do believe there is a small fraction of individuals that are meant to, and live best remaining single. These individuals have more of their spirit vested in the importance of living than with the SHARING of that living. And this comes with one dangerous caveat: that we all find ourselves in this mindset at some point and so it is potentially dangerous to convince yourself that you are meant to be single and deny that facet of your being that deeply, genuinely requires you to share your life with someone exclusively.
This was a great! I’ve loved n agreed with many of these posts. I have been debating about this seemingly awesome “enough” guy I met recently. I see in him everything I’d want to have 20yrs from now yet I’m questioning what I (physically) THINK I want right now. After prioritizing (as suggested), I definitely feel he is worth it. I’m not perfect either. (Something many of us forget) What is PERFECT anyway?