“We accept the love we think we deserve.” ~Stephen Chbosky
There are those moments in life when things suddenly shift from a deep, sad shade of blue to a lighter shade of sky, and then eventually the beautiful reds and pinks and oranges of a sunrise.
When a light bulb snaps on in your head and you see something that you’ve been missing for days, months, maybe even years, though it doesn’t change what caused the sea of blue, it makes it look more like a calm lake than a raging ocean.
I had one of those moments not too long ago. I had been stuck in a sea of blue for almost two years. After the breakdown my first “real” relationship I vaulted into a deep dark ocean where I could only tread water, and I stayed there for what felt like an eternity.
I didn’t want to go out, happiness seemed like a fleeting feeling that left me as quickly as it took me over, and I felt like I would never feel better. I had fallen into a depression that would come and go, and a false sense of healing.
But what I failed to realize is that I hadn’t addressed the real problem yet. And then, after treading water for a long time, I met someone else, and he was like someone I had never been with before.
He was gentle and really cared for me, and I honestly didn’t know what to do with him.
I didn’t know how to handle someone who didn’t want to use me. I was completely confused and unsure.
One night, after a particularly tense time with my current love interest, I broke down, and I couldn’t understand why I resisted a real relationship so fiercely.
I couldn’t understand why this was so hard. I couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t let myself be cared for by someone. I was treading water again, the same water as I had been for so long, and I was frustrated.
I just kept asking myself: What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be whole again? Why do I feel so empty and unloved?
I stayed that way until a friend of mine asked, “Do you think you deserve something so good?”
This was something I had never asked myself. I was so caught up in what I was feeling that I never had the courage to truly look inside and see why this was so hard for me.
It was because I was afraid. All I had known was the deep dark blue of abuse, and I had fostered the false belief that I didn’t deserve anything better.
For years, I found myself and put myself in situations with people who didn’t mind using me. I was used and hurt and thrown away, like an old Kleenex, and after a while that’s who I thought I was. A washed up, old person, stuck in the body of a young girl, spinning wildly in the same circles over and over again.
I had kept that feeling as an integral part of who I was, and how I related to people. I had created my whole self-image around the belief that I didn’t deserve love.
And because of this I had attracted people who didn’t want to love me, and I seemed to repel people who truly cared about me.
I realized that in order to reverse this flow of people and energy I had to redefine how I see myself.
Pop! The light bulb snapped on in my head, the waves of emotion started to calm down, and my sun started to rise.
I could understand why I felt like this, and though I can’t undo years of this type of thinking right away, at least I am able to see it for what it really is.
I have a long journey of recreating myself ahead of me. That is something that I probably should have done a long time ago, but I needed to tread water for a while to truly understand. And that’s perfectly okay.
I know how easy it is to unconsciously repeat patterns, and how scary it is to break them.
I know that I am not out of the water yet, and the sunshine hasn’t completely bathed me in its enlightened glow. I know that it may take years to understand why I do the things I do in relationships.
But I will try to take baby steps because no one should feel like they don’t deserve someone who can love them for exactly who they are.
Because everyone deserves to love, even if that means they have to tread water for a while first.
Photo by Jessy Rone
About Elora Nelson
Elora Nelson is a student and a uniquely candid writer, poet, and pen pal. Her experiences in a diverse set of circumstances influence her to write what she can't say. Her words demonstrate a distinctive tone and view of the world that is conscious of life as an ever-changing journey.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I simply cannot thank you enough for this. It describes me perfectly and where I am at with my life. thank you thank you thank you.
Every Thing happens for a reason and you made absolutely a great realization of that ‘light bulb snapping on your head’.
It feels good to know about your effort to live a happy life.
Thanks for sharing, Elora!
Keep Moving and Keep Doing Great!
Have Fun With Your Life!
beautifully written. I love the idea of “recreating” oneself. There is a lot of power in allowing ourselves to be loved exactly as we are.
Carla
I love you already. When I read this, I heard my voice. Thank you for this.
Thank you … as a victim of sexual abuse at a very young age – I simply can’t put into words how deeply this touched me. Thank you. <3
Quick note for all of you. Never doubt this. Everyone deserves to be happy! You too Elora. I want everyone to remember that happiness is not a destination but a process. How do we optimize the process? By continuously making decisions take support who we are and who we want to be. Depressions are dangerous because we have an illusion in our brain thinking that we do not deserve to be happy. Turning a depression around is about teaching ourselves that we deserve to be happy and we are able to be happy no matter where we come from or who we are.
Take care out there,
Anders Hasselstrøm
Motivational Speaker
Beautiful! I’m in the same exact situation. Took the courage to leave
an unhealthy relationship…and though I still love him, I found
someone just like you did…someone beyond amazing, sometimes I wonder
if this is real…and like you, wonder if I deserve this? But, I do…we
all do 🙂 Good luck and hang in there. Thanks for sharing
This REALLY resonated with me. .it’s exactly how I’m feeling and how I view myself “from the outside”.I’ve asked myself ,”Do you love this punishment?why?”Have a lot of issues to deal with , but I’m beginning to break the Ice. Slowly and surely
Cynthia I am a survivor as well, and my feelings resonate so much with yours. Thank you
Elora, your sincerity is real, and obviously touching to many. It
takes courage to be willing to look at oneself and realize “I am not
happy”, and make the decision to change, and then just do it. That is
an admirable virtue. When you realize that you deserve to be loved, you
are actually beginning the process of loving yourself. And that is
what it takes to love another.Have a wonderful life, and always
honor yourself for your beautiful sincerity and courage to be just who
you are, always deepening.
Elora, I’m going through exactly the same thing. It’s a self destructive pattern that I’ve been repeating since I was 17. I know I need to tread water for a while and am excited about the process and look forward to being a better me, more confident with better sense of self worth. I just turned 52 and always wonder if it’s too late for me find love? Nevertheless, I KNOW I will be so much happier with myself after this process and will enjoy the warmth of sun rays, whether I am with a man or alone. Best of luck of love to you.
It was really nice reading this blog…It takes a truly brave person to openly write about the shortcomings they are going through firsthand….Really appreciate your authenticity; inspires me to try & follow through more of it in my own life. In many ways; I can relate to what you are going through. Looking forward to reading more of your writings in the near future; your last blog was really touching as well. Just hang in there! 🙂
Elora,
Thank you so incredibly much for writing about what you have gone through (and maybe still are going through.) I can relate to this so well, and there have been times when I have come to the realization that I don’t seem to have many people around me who truly care for me – but this puts it into a different perspective. I find it amazing that we can become so accustomed to being let down and hurt by others who lead us on to believe that they care, even if in the back of our mind we know that something isn’t right. The truth is, we all deserve love – the love from people who truly care for our well-being and want to be a part of our lives, and the love we give to ourselves. The sad part is when we are more terrified of finding actual love than we are of staying in abusive/hurtful/neglectful relationships. I am so happy that you have made this discovery for yourself, and that you have shared your story with the world. It takes a lot of courage to expose such a deep part of yourself and to shine light on a way of life that you have probably been living for years. Way to go my dear! Your light is much too bright to let those undeserving of your love attempt to dim it.
Thank you, dearest Elora. Kate
Wow, this really hit me. I was married for 15 years to a man with bipolar who was abusive, both physically & mentally. I finally had the courage to leave him, and fell madly in love with a truly amazing man who is gentle, kind, loving and patient and treats me like a queen. We’ve been married for 4 blissful years…..and then. He lost his job, but got a new one right away. A good job, better pay, but longer hours and 2-3 business trips a year (only 3 days each). For some unknown reason, THIS threw me into a tailspin. I have had feelings of insecurity, jealousy, worry…..I feel like I am losing my mind and suddenly I am SO afraid of losing him!! I keep thinking that because my ex-husband stopped loving me, he will, too. I even hear my ex’s voice in my head telling me I will screw this up, too. I have NO reason for these feelings…..my husband is a goooood man and loves me to death. So, why do I feel like I am sabotaging my marriage…..all due to a job change?! I desperately miss him when he’s gone, but it’s like 3 nights and I KNOW I am being pathetic. HELP :(!
I found your post when I truly needed to see the words that you wrote.. Thank you.
Elora, this is beautiful. I know how you feel – I have attracted into my life people who use and discard me, probably because of the abusive home environment I grew up in. I don’t feel that I deserve care or love. I tend to avert my eyes when guys look at me now; I don’t even feel like I deserve their attention. It’s so hard to change this pattern. I have wondered for so long if the reason why I am not loved is because I have felt I don’t deserve it for so long. Maybe it’s in my attitude. I’m willing to love someone but so afraid that they will hurt me. Thanks for your article – it describes a lot of what I feel right now.
Brilliant article. Not having a solution but seeing the problem for what it really is. Really helpful!
I am in a deep deep blue misery right now and I’m drowning. Its only getting worse and I don’t feel like I get get my head above water anymore . I loved your post. & I hope one day I can feel the way you feel. Its been two years since my world shattered and I thought that by now I’d be okay, but actually. I’ve lost every friend I ever had. I just want someone to care. But they can’t care until I begin to care about myself first . after YEARS of abuse its hard to get back up. Abuse from not only one person either but almost everyone in your family plus the person I thought I was in love with.
I spent a long time with someone who used me and manipulated me through emotional abuse. She was fond of getting her way no matter what and I let her walk all over me. She was very good at making me feel pathetic and unwanted, though she wasn’t always like that.
I didn’t realise this until it reached tipping point and I finally challenged her, but somehow she made it all my fault and I left her.
My point is that you never realise how bad things are until it gets really bad. Everyone deserves happiness but happiness in a relationship needs balance. If you take more than you give then you need to think if that relationship is for you.
Don’t let someone suffer unnecessarily.
Thank you for this !! 🙂
Feeling like I won’t ever find my Cinderella
I completely understand how it feels. I’m going through it right now. Thanks.I needed this
So you found your way out because you found someone who wanted to love you. I guess I’m waiting for that.
This is my life right now. I have come a long way but I get slip ups where I want to doubt my relationship and my happiness.
Yes
..like I won’t find my prince..
It was like listening to myself compose my mind after feeling used by men…. this was insightful in a way that i now feel like i’m not the only one going through this….
Thank you for your perspective…. i hope to find the light soon too.
I grew up with this feeling my whole life, especially as a child, but the most unfortunate part is – I think its because of my mother… My Birthdays were especially arkward for me, I can’t quite put my finger on it though.. I know that I didn’t feel worthy. I apologise if my post is out of context, but it resonated with me and here we are……
Touched me in more ways than I could have ever imagined for an online post. Your bravery is outstanding and your courage to share your story makes you beyond beautiful. Just by writing this you have shown to people like me these feelings are normal and maybe just maybe unconditional love can heal each one of us. I was sexually abused when I was a child and often neglected by my mother, after all these years of working on myself and being in the wrong relationship I am now with a truly loving man who really does love me unconditonally because of this I have come such a long way in personal development and i thank my lucky stars for him and people like you raising awareness to bring power back to ourselves. I cry most days thinking this man will be taken from me, how could I deserve this love? I am damaged goods, a rejected child? But I’m an adult now. We have the power to heal ourselves to help heal the world. The world needs more authentic souls & love and maybe it’s what we’re hear for. We’re all beautiful, even if we think we are damaged, and we are all worthy of love in the truest form.
Love to all you beautiful brave people trying to make a better world.
I guess I would relate more to your story if you were writing about the difficulty believing that you deserve plain ‘ol friendship. That’s the situation I find myself in–I can’t let myself even have *pals* because apparently I’m not deserving of even that. Forget about romantic relationships, that’s galaxies away from my life. But I take your point; it’s a problem of how a person thinks, how I see myself. Good luck…
This is so sad. It hurts more because I feel the same way.
All the men I “liked” were all bad for me, people would literally say; why are you even in the same company as a guy like him? I felt like I deserved losers because I felt like a loser, who could do no better. I had low self esteem very badly.
Any decent men who didn’t like me, I felt almost sick. Thinking, why would someone like him care for me? And in the end I would push any man away who actually did appreciate and like me.
I am 24 now and hope sooner rather than later I snap outta this before its too late.
He who believes he deserves something deserves the very same no more.
Seeing the world in this manner gives you a new appreciation for everything you have.
I truly don’t deserve love. I’m just some loser, no one will ever pass an eyes glance so why bother wanting what I’m never going to get? And before someone replies that I’m wrong, Let me ask you this, what makes me so worth love? what makes me deserving of someone elses affection and happiness when I myself am not happy, I’ll just bring them down along with me
Great Post!
No one wants to be part of my life. I’ll never be loved by someone I want.