“I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true. I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live up to what light I have. ” ~Abraham Lincoln
As a child, my father always told me, “At everything you do, you have to be number one.” I tried. In some ways, I succeeded. I got high grades. Sometimes, the highest. Sometimes, I got awards.
I became an expert at figuring out other people’s expectations and meeting them. This got me approval, but it never made me happy. I wasn’t passionate about grades, awards, or approval. I didn’t feel butterflies in my stomach while doing math. I didn’t feel shivers down my spine while conjugating French verbs.
I loved to write, sing, dance. I was the girl who made up song lyrics and got them stuck in her head. I was the girl who stayed up after her parents went to bed to dance around, sing into my pillow, and crawl out onto the roof to dream about flying far, far away. I was that girl who couldn’t understand my thoughts until I wrote them down.
Despite my parents’ wishes for me to pursue an academic, intellectual route, I went to theatre school. There, I thought I would explore the deepest crevices of my desires. I was wrong.
I found the fine art education world to be shallow, and I found myself to be the same. My mind fixated on being the best. I never was. Disappointed with myself as much as the program, I dropped out. I slunk back to logic and facts. Skepticism. Analysis. Things I was good at. I got good grades. I got awards.
But being good at something is never a replacement for loving it. I was addicted to academic achievement because it earned me approval. I could never get enough. Again, I got hungry for art.
After I almost led myself into an early grave, I realized how important it was to make time for the things that made me feel alive. Yet on that journey, I’ve found myself constantly in the intermediate pile. Sometimes, beginner. Never, ever the best.
I run all the time, but I’m not fast. I’ve been doing yoga for ten years, but I still can’t do Crow Pose. I’ve been playing acoustic guitar on and off for years, and I still struggle with barre chords. I’ve been singing since I was a kid, and my performances are inconsistent. I’ve been writing since I could hold a pen and doing it for a living since 2012, but most people have never heard of me.
For years, my father’s voice haunted me, telling me to always be number one. I tried to reject his advice, refuse it, write it off as worthless egotism. But still, it gnawed at me.
One voice in my head said I should accept myself just the way I am. Another part couldn’t help but point out all the room for improvement. Along the way, I’ve realized that one voice doesn’t need to defeat the other. They just need to learn to get along.
Accepting my skill level at something is self-loving. Who would doubt that? But assuming that my skills can’t or won’t ever get better is self-sabotage. To work on improving myself is a kind of self-acceptance too. I accept my ability to learn—however slow and awkward that learning process might be.
Some people say that we should always try to be better than who we were yesterday. I can’t agree with that. Some days, I’m less patient, less energetic, and less kind than I was the day before. And that’s okay.
Because, for me, the goal isn’t to be number one compared to others. And it’s not even to be number one compared to past versions of myself. Instead, I’ve learned to do be the best at just one thing: being my own number one fan, supporter, friend, and mentor.
It’s not an easy job. It’s not easy to unconditionally love someone and motivate them to make changes. It’s not easy to hold someone when they’re breaking down one day and push them to do better the next day. It’s a paradox and a balancing act. It’s hard. But it’s incredibly worthwhile.
I spent all those years competing. Trying to be the best. Trying to be perfect. Trying to get recognized, acknowledged, noticed. Trying. Trying. Trying. Never succeeding.
But now I know that the reward for pursuing the passions that light me on fire isn’t the same as the reward for pursuing status, recognition, or achievement. There are no grades, no awards, no medals that can quantify the way my chest bursts open when I sing something real. There are no numbers to measure the lightness I feel in my body when I write words that make me sob and cry and heal. The reward is the experience.
We live in the age of self-esteem. The school system tells young kids: “You can be anything you want to be! You can do it all!” But the message woven into even the most encouraging words is that the measuring stick of success is achievement, recognition, award.
What if all that those kids want to be is happy? Or angry? Or tortured? Or whatever it is that they feel in that moment.
Self-esteem is nothing but a cheap replacement for self-love. I don’t need to esteem myself. I know I’m an awkward, beautiful, human mess. At most of the things I do, I’m somewhere between mediocre and interesting. At some things, I’m between awful and mediocre. But I love that I do them anyway.
I appreciate myself so much for doing the things I love, even though I’m not “number one” at them. I am grateful for how much time, care, and effort I put into trying to be a good friend to myself.
And that’s what I think life is really about: learning about myself. Trying to be a good friend to my reflection. A best friend, even.
So many of us miss out on the chance to experience self-intimacy because we forget what friendship is all about. It’s about secrets, inside jokes, and adventures. It’s about heartbreak, healing, and presence. We don’t love our friends for how skilled, accomplished, or perfect they are. We love them for being real, for walking beside us on the confusing, chaotic road of life.
And that’s what I seek to be for myself: an intimate friend. A fellow voyager. A curious companion. Maybe it doesn’t sound like much. But to me, it’s an accomplishment that I achieve and celebrate every single day.
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**Editor’s Note: Vironika has generously offered to give away ten digital copies of her new book, The Art of Talking to Yourself (preview available here). A different kind of self-help book. Instead of giving you expert advice and magical solutions, this book will help you discover your own expertise and use it to hear, understand, and change your inner conversation. You can learn more and read reviews on Amazon here.
For a chance to win, leave a comment below. You don’t have to write anything specific. “Count me in” is sufficient! You can enter until midnight PST on Sunday, August 13th.
Photo by Allef Vinicius

About Vironika Tugaleva
Vironika Tugaleva (also known as Vironika Wilde) is a poet, spoken word artist, activist, and award-winning author. Vironika believes in the medicinal power of honest words and tough truths. When Vironika isn't writing, she loves stargazing, singing, and eating pickles (sometimes, all at once). You’re welcome to follow her on Instagram (@vironikawilde), check out her latest book, Love & Gaslight, or get a free preview of The Art of Talking to Yourself.
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I would love to learn to change my inner conversation!!!!
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Thank you Vironika. I read The Love Mindset a while ago and can see how your journey is progressing 🙂 I love your words and thank you for sharing. My own journey is very similar, removing the mind shackles (understanding that other people’s expectations do not belong to me) and loving all of me 🙂
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This is great- it really helped me think of things differently at a point in my life when I keep feeling like I need to be the best in everything. THankyou xx
Thank you so much, Sara! It’s been an amazing journey, and it’s all the better knowing that I’m not alone in it. Sending you love and gratitude! 🙂
Nice article, we should all be our own best friend!
Great article! Much needed read for me at this point! Thanks for the opportunity!
I call my inner voice “Edna”, as in Edna Mode from The Incredibles. Count me in please! Would love to be able to communicate better with Edna.
Very generous of you, Vironika! Count me in! Something that I’ve been struggling with for years is to allow myself to embrace my interests and passions when I am so far below mediocre in them. Thank you so much for your article!
Thank you so much for discussing this topic. I felt as though you were talking directly to me.
Count me in! Love to read the book!
this was incredibly inspiring and hopeful. it made me think of the difference between a fixed mindset and a growth mindset. If we are open to learning about ourselves, we can arrive at our obstacles with compassion. Would love to read more of your work!
Thank you Vironika,
I very much enjoyed your post on Tiny Buddha. I believe, it is very easy to step into the shoes of another by following their leads. Our dreams become diminished in our eyes, as though they are not good enough and we are doing something wrong, so we chase the impossible or the dreams of others.
I have learnt very slowly and intuitively that self-worth plays an important part in our pursuit of dreams. We are the only one playing a part in our own drama. We direct how it should be and what we should and can achieve. It’s a difficult concept, but a valuable learning curve. Many thanks. Angela x
Count me in 😉
I’ve been going through a similar journey. Always aiming for the As, and when i got them, it was expected. Anything less was disappointing. How can anyone ever feel happy like that? When being the best is the only thing that suffices? I’m still working on it. I don’t judge myself for not being the best anymore. I’m still trying to figure out how to celebrate my wins though. Thank you for the article.
Thank you for the post and count me in as well!
Thanks for the post I just love the idea of just being the person you need to be messy and real that’s life and I need to be taught how to be more that way for true happiness
Vironika,
Your explanation of the two voices in your head – one of self-acceptance and one of self-improvement – is so relevant to me and something I constantly struggle with. It’s a fine line to get these two voices to get along and find a healthy balance. I would love to hear more from you and have the chance to read your book. Thanks for your generous offer!
Thank you Vironika .. your words touched my heart. Would love to read more of them! So, please count me in.
Self love is a very tall order for many of us… it’s a journey… I want to be better at it so I can be one who helps change not only myself but the world too… make it a better place for all.
Really great article, thank you for sharing 🙂
Fantastic article!! I’m going to print it and secretly give a copy to my 10 yr old granddaughter, who is struggling to find her way. She spends so much energy trying to live up to her father’s expectations, and she never seems to be “good” enough. He always finds fault with everything she does. I feel honored that I’m her confidant, and that I always make the time to help her, listen to her, and praise her when she finishes a project or plays in a soccer game. She is the main reason I get out of bed in the morning, she lights up my life with the sound of her voice!!
I love what you wrote: “I accept my ability to learn—however slow and awkward that learning process might be.” Those are definitely words I can live by, taking each day as it comes. Life is learning about ourself; it’s kind of crazy how the person we know the best can remain such a mystery.
This is beautiful!! <3 Count me in for the digital copy give-away!! 🙂
Lovely! I identify with a lot of this.
It’s my birthday week. I woke up with a song lyric in my head “learn to love again” which led me to a google search….and a guidance that landed me here. I sing with Pink later. 😉
Count me in. Great article and approach, btw. Hope to remember your tips!
Count me in 🙂
I really loved this article, & especially the part about having inside jokes with yourself haha, I thought I was the only one!! 😛
Thank you! Every cell in our bodies deserve to hear the truth of how wonderful we all are and they will show us thanks by working happily along their journey . Love and light to every living being x
Great article! Count me in!
Count me in for the giveaway. I hate the word “perfection.”
Thanks for posting this Vironika. I am a facilitator for SMART Recovery Family and Friends and I am planning to share this with our group. We are always working on Self Love 🙂
Count me in for the give away draw. Very true article -it’s so great to think it’s not just me that grew up like that.
Thank you for a fresh perspective on loving myself no matter what. Please count me in for the book giveaway. I’m intrigued. Many blessings. Shawna
Thank you Vironika for your article! I can relate to trying to always measure up to others and often not being the best at what I was attempting. Learning to let go of expectations and learning to love ourselves is so very important towards our journey to peace. Your article was honest and really helps to accept who each of us are in this beautiful mess called life.
someone once said to me, when i complained about having to move all the time, and leaving all my friends behind, and that i was never going to have as good of friends as the ones i was leaving: “bloom where you are planted”. Saying it to myself, helps alot.
Thank you!
I really appreciate you addressing “self-talk” explicitly!
Please count me in :-0
Great article…Count me in the digital giveaway!
I just wanted a nice random read before I went to bed and I chose yours because I liked the picture haha. This ended up really resonating with me. I teared up when you talked about how you tried and tried to be perfect, I was like that for so long and still often revert to my old ways of thinking and trying to be perfect, but I’m also trying in a different way now – I’m trying to be ok with whoever I am right now and as you said just accepting and being there for myself like a best friend would. Thank you for the lovely article 🙂 All the best of luck to you.
Thank you Vironika <3. great article. I found myself in it.