“Our thoughts create our beliefs, meaning if you think about yourself a certain way for a long enough period of time you will ultimately believe it.” ~Anonymous
You’re ugly. You’re stupid. You’re a loser.
Imagine thinking this way about yourself every day. No exaggeration. That was me.
When a girl didn’t want to go on a second date with me, I told myself I was ugly. When I didn’t know what someone was talking about, I told myself I was stupid. When my Instagram post only received two likes, I told myself I was loser.
I spoon-fed myself toxic thoughts like these on a daily basis for years. And what’s worse is I believed them.
But why? Where do these toxic thoughts and beliefs even come from? Well, for most of us they come from our childhoods, and they are largely based on experiences with our caregivers.
My belief system (which fuels those not-so-nice thoughts listed above) was formed by the tragic death of my mother when I was three-and-a-half years old and by my rageaholic cocaine-addict father. I internalized Mom’s death and Dad’s crazy behavior (trust me, it was bad) the only way I knew how to: I thought I was the problem.
You see, my dad never sat me down and apologized for bursting into my room in the middle of the night high on cocaine and torturing me. He never apologized for not allowing me to celebrate my birthdays. He never apologized for making me get in front of my soccer team and tell them that I was a bad boy and couldn’t play in that week’s game.
Since he never apologized to me, my growing little mind took it personally and figured I must be the problem. I thought I deserved to be punished and as such, a negative thought pattern was born.
Like a kid at school writing on a chalkboard because he did something wrong, my thoughts wrote in my mind over and over again: I did something wrong. I did something wrong.
This consistent negative self-talk eventually turned into a core belief: I am wrong. I am wrong.
Imagine growing up believing that your very existence is wrong. That was me. I was hard-wired by my parents to believe this. It was like being sentenced for a crime that I didn’t commit.
As an adult I actively looked for validation in other people as a result of this belief. I became a people-pleaser, a yes man, a guy that would do anything for you to like me. Please like me, please tell me I’m okay.
If you liked me, I felt less broken, but one person liking me was never enough. If I was in a room with 100 people and all of them but one liked me I would worry and fret, wondering what I had done to upset that one person.
I also thought I had to be perfect in every area of my life. My hair had to be perfect. My clothes had to be perfect.
I had to say the right things. Do the right things. Be the right thing.
I also used each failed attempt for your validation as proof that I was broken. See!
I would go to bed at night saying I was done with that kind of behavior, yet I would wake up in the morning and start it all over again. It was like the movie Groundhog Day. I was living the same day over and over again, and I couldn’t stop.
I hit what I’ll call my rock bottom eight years ago when I was thirty-seven-years old. I hated myself and the life I had created and desperately wanted change.
But how? How do we let go of deeply rooted false beliefs that no longer serve us? The same way we formed them.
You begin by detaching from the individual thoughts that reinforce the negative belief, then you let go of the belief all together. I’ve heard them called illusions, false beliefs, and even lies. It took time for me to believe these lies and it took time for me to undo them.
Henry David Thoreau said, “As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.”
In order to let go of false beliefs, we have to practice observing our thoughts and recognize when we are acting on old stories about our worth. By repeatedly choosing not to get caught up in the old stories, we can begin to experience the world in a new way.
You don’t go to the gym once and suddenly you’re in the best shape of your life. No, you go five to six times a week, eat healthy, and get plenty of rest. And you do this over and over again.
The same goes for our minds. The more we work toward mindfulness and self-kindness, the quicker we will default to it. When you catch yourself having a negative thought, recognize that you don’t have to get attached to it and choose to let it pass. If you’re having trouble letting it go, tell yourself a new, more empowering story.
And above all else, just remember, it had nothing to do with you. You did nothing wrong. You are not flawed.
I didn’t commit a crime. I just absorbed the information given to me the only way my eight-year-old mind knew how to.
So where do we start? It’s different for all of us, but if you’re reading this and relating to any of it then that in and of itself is a start. That’s the beginning of self-awareness.
For me it was all about becoming self-aware. That was my first step toward personal change.
I knew I couldn’t do things on my own (been there, tried that), so I started with a twelve-step program. Liberation would never be possible if I kept reaching for validation from other people, so I took a deep breath and courageously stepped into my first meeting and admitted that I had a problem.
It was there that I opened up and allowed myself to be seen for who I was: a wounded man who sometimes still felt like a scared little boy. Eventually, little by little, I shared my childhood secrets and I was loved for doing so. It was an eye opening experience, which immediately changed my thought process to: I did nothing wrong.
For the last eight years I’ve been letting go of false thoughts and beliefs, which in turn has created new possibilities for how I think and feel in relationships. I hope you can do the same.
About Zachary Goodson
Zachary is a writer, a coach, and a heart-centered entrepreneur who loves helping others. His writing focuses on his experiences around holistic health, inner child work, addiction, recovery, spirituality, and fatherhood. His coaching is devoted to helping people experience deep fulfillment in relationships, career, and life. You can connect with him at zacharygoodson.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Your story brought me to tears. I too suffered at the hands of an abusive father. I grew up believing I was unlovable. It has taken many years to re-parent myself, but so worth the journey. I am so proud of you for doing the hard work. You have always been a beautiful person, and any mistreatment we have suffered was not because we were flawed, yet, it had to do with our parents operating out of their own brokenness. I wish you peace and joy Zachary. I love your name by the way:)
Inspiring, beautiful and very moving hearing about your journey. Truly, you’ve such courage for sharing it, something which is never easy to do. Each person has their own unique ray of light emitting from their souls. It’s just a matter of letting that light out and bringing out that light in others. The world we live in definitely does not make that easy, especially when we compare ourselves to others. We tend to forget no two souls are ever alike and only ourselves can live our lives in our own unique way, so comparing simply doesn’t make sense. Anyway, I’m rambling now (bad habit of mine!)
Thank you for sharing your story, it’s really inspired me. Keep shining that light of yours!
I’m sorry for your experience growing up. That was rough and nothing any child should have to go through. I can speak from my own experience in saying that it doesn’t take a childhood as rough as yours to trigger this negative self talk. I never considered myself a people pleaser. However, I was a perfectionist and got acceptance and validation for all of my accomplishments. On the inside, people would be shocked at the things I told myself and felt. I felt like I was a loser. When relationships didn’t work, I felt like it was all my fault. Now I realize that isn’t true. It’s going to take some time but self awareness, self compassion, and mindfulness are teaching me to be aware of what I think and feel and be kind to myself in the process.
I did some damage to my relationships because of my negativity and insecurities. However, I am also more confident in myself and not taking the blame now when things don’t work out. I do seek to learn and grow from my mistakes but I also realize the positives I’ve contributed as well. That in itself is a huge step forward.
What kind of 12-step program was it?
Hey, my words exactly Zachary! I’ve been wanting to change really hard, but yeah it takes time… Start over again everytime the ptsd makes me plunge in this ”I’m wrong”kind of fog… Thank you so much for sharing, and good luck xoxox
Thank you for being vulnerable with us. Your story is shared by many others and I hope your courage to be brave and share will show others that it’s ok to feel these feelings. Great work on the CBT 😉
Thank you for this encouraging and wise post. I especially appreciate the reminder that it takes time and repetition to detach from thoughts it took time and repetition to form.
I can identify. Beautifully told by a beautiful heart. Thanks
But how would one find such a thing?
Hi Nancy. I’m going to stick with anonymity for now but they all model after AA and they are all very helpful. Most programs have some sort of questionnaire on their website that you can take to see if that program might be a good fit for someone.
Thank you Shika for your kind words. I promise to keep letting my light out!
On Wikipedia there is a list of the programs patterned after AA (google twelve-step program) with descriptions of each program as well as links. Hope this helps.
Thank you Ruth. 🙂 I’m proud of you too for digging deep and doing the hard work. It’s a beautiful and sometimes painful journey but one I’ll always cherish. Sounds like you will too. All the best!!
Thank you Edy! We’re all enough and wonderful just the way we are. All the best!
Thanks!
Jeremy thank you for everything that you shared! Sounds like you’re in a good place today and I applaud you for that. Thanks again for sharing.
Thank you Cate!
Thanks Kyle! I hope so too! All the best.
Thank you Beth!
Even after years of counselling I have always felt like I was flawed. I felt stupid, ugly, unlovable, and was truly unhappy. Over the past year I have been making peace with myself and this article has touched me in ways counselling never could. Thank you!
This was such a brilliant and thought provoking post, that I needed days to let it sink in and then respond. The comments were beautiful, too. As someone else has already posted, even childhoods much less traumatic than yours can trigger insecurity and self doubt, which can last a lifetime. I think I was born more sensitive (according to the test, I’m an INFJ) so my dad’s criticsim, distance and lack of warmth was always a strong signal to me that I was fundamentally flawed. At the age of 52 I am still struggling with it, although I am slowly getting better (posts like this help ENORMOUSLY! I actually thought, for a long time, that I was alone in feeling like this) Like you, I have tried people pleasing, confirming and sacrificing my integrity and individuality in order to be liked (that seemed to be vital to my sense of self) and, like you, one negative reaction out of 100 good ones could send me on a spiral of overthinking and obsessing about what I had done wrong. It’s a life sentence to inflict on a child and now I have three kids of my own, I am doing my utmost to make them feel that they are just right as they are, and loved and valued, no matter what. Thank you for this inspiring post, and thank you for sharing your gifts of wisdom, compassion and reflection with us. This is the road to healing. Self acceptance and compassion and the same for others.
What a great story. Thank you for sharing. Changing to the extent that you described really is a journey of a thousand miles. You have to take that first step and then the next and so on. Inspired!
Hi Nicky. Thank you for your kind words AND for sharing. There’s a saying that I started using a number of years ago… hurt people hurt people. My father hurt me (he was hurt by his parents) and I hurt myself as well as others that came in and out of my life. Sounds to me like you’re doing your best to put a stop to this cycle and I think that’s the greatest gift in the world. I applaud you and everyone else on here for doing the hard work.
Thank YOU for your beautiful words and I love that you’re making peace with yourself. I wish you all the best.
Thank you Larry. So true!!
I blame god for my personal issues. I blame other people for their mistakes. I own my own mistakes. Don’t know why I posted this but I did. Deal with it. Buhda was smart. Wonder if he ate meat. I’m vegan. I’m happy. I have topped the stupid scale in life. Ho not even. Ha I’m fried. I always leave food on my plate which makes me satisfied. Thanks.
I have lost two relationships because of my negativity and insecurities .. I have been blaming myself for the last two failed relationships..even until now..despite I tried to convince myself both parties have to take the responsibility.but with their leaving I can’t help to take all the blames..I’m useless worthless and never good enough for them …I’m a perfectionist too and when things fall under my expectations or plans, I will get mad..also I have been seeking for ppl validation each and single day despite I tried to change that..I’m struggling with my emotions every single day..even now I have feelings towards a guy but he is going after another girl I feel extremely terrible about myself.. I have never have this feeling in secondary school to uni times when I got lots of ppl came towards me ………………….
I’m so sorry for your struggles. I’ve been there (still can go there). Please know that you are not alone. Please know that there are others like us out here. As Jeremy said…it takes time. As our self awareness grows we remember to be kind to ourselves. One day at a time.
Jeremy..I’m extremely touched by reading your comment.especially on “I did some damage to my relationship because of my negativity and insecurities ‘… I have been blaming myself for the last two failed relationships..even until now..despite I tried to convince myself both parties have to take the responsibility.but with their leaving I can’t help to take all the blames..I’m useless worthless and never good enough for them …I’m a perfectionist too and when things fall under my expectations or plans, I will get mad..also I have been seeking for ppl validation each and single day despite I tried to change that..I’m struggling with my emotions every single day..
Thank you so much for this, Zachary. This piece is a welcome and necessary reminder for me as I continue my own journey to understanding my worth as a human being. It took the deaths of both my parents before I could really embark on this journey, because they were the ones who overtly and covertly undermined any self-worth my brother and I had.
May you continue to find the inner peace that your father could not and would not offer to you. May you continue to appreciate your intrinsic value as a human being, as a survivor.
May you always remember that you are not a defective human being.
Thank you again, for being open and honest about your journey.
Thank you for sharing your story – I can definitely relate to so much if what you wrote. When you say you started with a twelve-step program, are you referring to something like Alcoholics Anonymous? I’d be interested in learning more about how that experience helped you to overcome the negative feelings and self-talk you were dealing with.
Great post, very helpful.
Thank you Natasha!
Thank you Linda
Great post!
Thank you Veronica!
Thank you for sharing this article. I am also going through a turmoil of emotions at the moment. “Imagine growing up believing that your very existence is wrong.” – This line resonated with me word to word. I am having a tough time to come to terms that it is not me, it is just my thoughts and I can change them to channelize in a more positive way, rather than becoming a prisoner of my own mind. God bless you, Zachary. More power and good vibes your way. 🙂
Thank YOU Divya. I appreciate you sharing so vulnerably. I found vulnerability to be the gateway to my freedom. Just talking about it helps. It’s contrary action. I’m happy to talk more if it helps. Wishing you all the best.