“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” ~Brene Brown
When I was in the seventh grade, I moved to a new city and started a new school. I was terrified and filled with anxiety about navigating this new world without a single friend. What if no one liked me?
My first week there, I walked through the cafeteria some when two girls called me over to their table. I breathed a sigh of relief, thinking maybe I would be able to make a friend. I went over smiling my best smile, then they said they wanted to ask me a question.
One of them smiled sweetly and said, “We were just wondering why you walk around with your nose up in the air. Do you think you’re better than everybody else or something?” They sneered and laughed and proceeded to say a few more hateful things to me that I don’t exactly remember.
I was crushed. I had never been bullied before, and I had no idea how to deal with this kind of situation. I would like to say that I gathered my strength, stood up to these mean girls, and told them where they could shove it. But I didn’t.
I felt my face flush with heat and the sting of rejection in my chest. And then I told them I was sorry. For what, I’m not exactly sure, but I sputtered out some awkward apology and waited for them to realize that they had made some sort of mistake, and that I was clearly worth their approval after all. But they just looked at me silently like I had three heads.
This day stands out to me because I remember distinctly feeling that in order to be accepted, I needed to be different. I needed to be careful and do whatever it took to avoid people disliking me. I was well on my way to becoming a chronic people pleaser.
Fast-forward twenty-five years, and I still have a habit of unconsciously putting a great deal of my energy into people pleasing. I keep the boat steady, navigating carefully so as to not make too many waves.
From an early age, I was a hater of conflict and uncomfortable situations, an avoider of angry words.
It’s in my bones to be a peacekeeper. I have always been soft-spoken and decided early that my voice just wasn’t loud enough to compete with all the yelling. I found it easier to smooth things over, and I learned to how to artfully sugarcoat the rough edges of life.
I could easily meld myself into the background of things, to be an observer, a non-participant. This is my comfort zone. I have been the one who doesn’t make waves, who doesn’t cause trouble, who doesn’t make anyone upset.
It’s automatic for me to look for the bright side of things, for the cheer in dark situations. It’s a natural instinct to try to smooth and ease the discomfort of others I am around. And if I can’t smooth it out, I tend to retreat because the thought of jumping into the middle of a conflict is exhausting. Basically, I am the anti-anger.
This way of being has served me well in so many situations. It has made me objective. It has kept me calm and steady. I am acutely perceptive of the moods of people around me in pretty much any situation. I easily absorb the underlying intricacies of interactions. A true introvert in nature, I find more meaning in silence than in a million spoken words.
I am grateful for this part of me, which I tend to keep largely private. I am also very aware that most people see me as a really “nice” person. But as more and more people have mentioned how nice I am, I have also realized that for me, this is not a compliment.
I think about it like this: Is “nice” the legacy I want to leave on this world? Is that what I want to be remembered by someday? That I was “nice”? No. I want more than that.
Nice is sweet and accommodating and agreeable. Nice is polite. But nice does not describe what we believe in. It does not indicate where our boundaries are.
When I think of people I admire the most, some genuinely fantastic human beings come to mind. But in all honesty, most of them are not particularly “nice” people. They have character and integrity. They are compassionate and kind. But that is not the same thing as nice. Compassion and kindness require courage and boundaries. Niceness does not.
For example, there is a person I work with that I have the utmost admiration for. She is a strong and confident woman. She exudes a sense of grace and integrity. She is straightforward and authentic and very clear about her boundaries. She stands firmly in her own truth. She seems to have very little concern about receiving approval or validation from others.
She knows who she is and appears completely at ease in her own skin. I am in awe how she seems to move through this world in a way that not only commands respect, but also exudes great compassion and kindness. Now that is what I want to be.
I have learned that to be sincerely kind and compassionate, we must create strong and clear boundaries for ourselves. Otherwise, being “nice” will ultimately lead to resentment, which is the opposite of compassion.
How do we go about shifting this way of being, when we are so programmed to please? It’s a gradual process that sometimes means unlearning the rules we have internalized about being polite. It’s about relaxing into your own authenticity and allowing the world to feel the full weight of you.
Brené Brown, a personal hero of mine, defines authenticity as “the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we are.” We must find ways to release our chronic need to please, and the courage to reveal our real and vulnerable selves.
The first step to reclaiming our own authenticity is to recognize when we are losing sight of it. Are you feeling any resentment? For me, resentment is a red flag. It usually means that I have not been clear about my boundaries in some way. It’s my first sign that I have been using too much of my energy worrying about disappointing others.
Next, take a look at exactly where that resentment is coming from. What boundary have you been unclear about? Is something bothering you about a situation that you have not fully expressed to someone? Have you held your own feelings back in some way, in order to avoid hurting another’s?
We must get clear with ourselves about what’s okay and what is not okay so that we can be clear in communicating that to others. Only we can decide exactly what we are willing to accept in our lives. We can use this formula to create a dialogue with ourselves. Write it out. Be specific.
1. I feel resentful because….
2. This means I haven’t been clear about something bothering me. Here is the boundary that has been blurred….
3. Here’s what’s okay with me….
4. Here’s what is not okay with me….
Once I work through this process, I usually find that my feelings of resentment and anger are not actually directed at another person. They are toward myself. I feel disappointment in myself for not staying loyal to my own values, for not giving myself the respect that I so freely give out to others.
I have learned that self-respect, boundaries, and compassion all go hand in hand. It is difficult to have one without another. Avoiding or running from tough situations does not set clear boundaries. Although it is often the more comfortable path, it also tends to breed more resentment and shame.
Being authentic takes courage. Learning to wade through the discomfort of setting boundaries takes risk. We risk disapproval. We risk being disliked. But I think the risk is worth it if we ultimately find respect for ourselves.
So join me in striving to reclaim our authenticity. Let’s be brave and real and imperfect. Let’s be compassionate and kind and honest. Because really, aren’t these so much better than the constraints of being “nice”?
About Sarah Powers
Sarah Powers is a licensed professional counselor, writer, photographer, marathon runner, and lover of adventure. She lives in the Oklahoma City area with her amazing husband and her two lovable wiener dogs.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Thanks for sharing. I’ve been resentful towards certain individuals as of late. This article has helped me realize it’s because I’m not living up to my true self.
Sarah, you are “spot on” about resentment and setting clear boundaries. A lightbulb went off, for me, after reading your insightful article. Thank you for helping all of (us) ladies to seek and discover the true meanings between the words, the answers in the silences that speak volumes. Now I know, for sure, that change begins with my own behavior. Like throwing a pebble into a pond and once a person is willing to take the chance and BE the change…the outward ripples affect everyone/everything else in its wake. (Paying it forward).
God Bless,
Debbie B.
Holly, Mi.
I encountered this problem with a friend. We had always shared our problems with each other to the point it was overwhelming. My friend started giving me the silent treatment, which I didn’t understand so I kept reaching out to her. She then exploded at me telling me that she was moving to a more positive place in her life, that I was a pyschologically sick person that refuses to get help and she was cutting me off. The problem was I was suffering from a severe chronic illness and trauma and was getting help. At this same time, she was dumping on me. As a nice person, I allowed it and reciprocated. But instead of talking about boundaries and setting them in a healthy manner, she built resentment and insulted me in the worst possible way and devastated me beyond belief. I don’t know if the friendship can be repaired, as I can’t have a friend putting me down and calling me mentally ill and projecting her problems and resentment onto me…this all may have been avoided if she just sent me a letter or email or phone call and had a conversation with me. I’m a fan of setting boundaries, but we also have to remember that we cannot expect others to read our minds and we have to give them a chance to react to new boundaries. You cannot set a boundary while at the same time deeply insult the person and make it all about them. (You are this or you are that instead of when you do this it makes me feel, etc). Projecting your resentment onto your friends because you haven’t set boundaries then blindsiding them and being cruel is not authentic or compassionate. I have a lot of deep pain over this happening to me.
Great topic! I enjoyed reading this!
Yes we are the only ones who can demand we be treated wit respect, although it often takes great courage to do so.
This is such a helpful article for me – I hate getting resentful but the article helped me recognise I need to set boundaries. I love other people who set them but struggle to set my own particularly with my in laws – I find it easier with friends.
Thank you for making me stop and take stock.
Resentment is such a huge indicator that I’m not protecting my boundaries and that’s always because I’ve tried to be “nice”. But I think it’s such a bad way to go, because even if you succeed at being “nice”, your resentment and bitterness is TANGIBLE and I think people can sense and feel that. So, so much for being “nice”, right? Thanks for a great post!
I love this. This is something my mom was adamant about teaching us: be kind and polite, but not “nice and sweet”. Always stand up for yourself and what you believe in. I’m still working on it, but she has been a wonderful role model.
Thank you for this post. It could have been me that wrote this because it tells my story so well. I always felt like I had to be a different person rather than who I really was in order to have the approval of others. Everybody has always commented on how “nice” I am. What that means basically is that I agreed with everyone and wasn’t allowed to have an opinion of my own. I wanted everyone’s acceptance and approval, and that meant not having an opinion about anything or agreeing to things that I knew I really didn’t agree with. It also meant that everybody was allowed to say or do whatever they wanted to me, and I was not to have anything to say about it. I was suppose to just stand there and take it and not have anything to say about it. (Talk about building resentment!) That way I could be “accepted” by that person or group of people. It’s so true what you say about boundaries. I have tried to create them in the past but didn’t stick by them. But now in my early 50’s I am finally learning to create boundaries and stick by them. And other people might not like it, but it is too bad. Having boundaries is so important. Because otherwise you become a door mat for other people. I have learned that the only person that needs to approve of me is me. If other people don’t approve of me just the way I am, I don’t want or need them in my life.
I know exactly how you feel and you have all of my sympathy. I’ve had similar experiences with different people (best friends, family) since I was a child (I’m 50 now) and just recently experienced it again with my 24 year old nephew. I have a chronic illness too and having someone you thought loved you and was there for you suddenly turn on you only makes the physical and mental pain of that illness that much worse.
I am sorry, please know you are not alone.
This is so helpful-I am the quintessential people pleaser, if there ever was one. My mother-in-law had a knock-down-drag-out with me years ago and our relationship has never been the same, and the truth as you pointed out, my resentment is over myself for not sticking up for myself and allowing her to treat me with such disrespect and say such hurtful things, while making assumptions of how I feel or think which is always off base! I have been stewing about this as I will be with her in a few short weeks. But I will work through your scenario several times to pinpoint all of “my stuff” and get clear as to how I will respond from now on. I don’t care any more if I “please” her, I care more about her not putting words in my mouth or ideas I don’t have-essentially speaking for me when she really doesn’t know me at all!
Ted Bundy was described as nice….
wrong one sorry… don’t know how to delete it
Ted Bundy was described as nice…..
It would be foolish to use that as a reason to not be nice.
This is where knowing how to think critically and logically comes in.
Ted Bundy also breathed air.
Go ahead and stop breathing because you don’t want to be like Ted Bundy.
All of us have opportunities to affect things where we are.
We may let things remain the same, we may make things better and we may make things worse.
Live life as if you are writing the eulogy to be given at your funeral – because you are.
What do you want people to say about you after you are gone?
I’m a nice person. I don’t think being nice is stupid is what your post is saying. I’ve never been stupid. I calculated my risks and became normal. I’m disabled mentally and I have a bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. My moods are constantly normal, most of the time, but when my bipolar disorder starts to kick in, my moods swing to the extreme. I’ve never known myself to take advantage of other people. I always thought my manners was perfect, although imperfectly in rage with people who are jealous of me. They call me a lying perfect maiden because when I dress up and put makeup on, I become a model and I’m a fashionista by heart. My manners border on being or having a nose that is gained through having such a high nose up in the air. I’m very prejudice about people with no manners. I consider myself somewhat of a royalty in my own affairs because no one is like me. I am polite, has manners, not ever wanting to take advantage of other people, wants God to bless me because I’m a nicer person than most and I tell my boyfriend all of my problems and he just tells me, ENOUGH AMY, BECAUSE YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO COVER UP YOUR PROBLEMS WITH A NEED TO BE NICE SO THAT OTHER PEOPLE WILL BE NICE TO YOU. In his eyes, being nice is a warning sign that others that are not educated or nice will take advantage of nice people. He is right. But, I always leave it up to God about the blessings I have attained and will attain in the future like having a real understanding boyfriend and he is so nice to me that we understand each other very carefully. His sister, however said, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND MY BROTHER, AMY. HE IS A WEAKLING. HE NEEDS A GIRL THAT WILL STAND UP FOR HIM, A BAD GIRL BECAUSE MY BROTHER IS TOO NICE. HE NEEDS BALANCE IN HIS LIFE AND THAT BEING WITH YOU WILL ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE FOR HIM. Anyways, I couldn’t say anything. But, my boyfriend and I are comfortable in each other’s company and we’re going to get married and move to a different state, away from his sister’s prying eyes. If anyone can tell me that I’m wrong, let me know. I just know that I’ve been right for myself most of the time. Thanks. Goodbye.
We need more nice people
Being kind and polite is nice!
Being nice places one atop the moral high ground.
I prefer being around nice people over being around people who are not nice.
Being nice eliminates friction and allows people of widely different views to have a pleasant time together, instead of arguing and creating hard feelings.
We need more nice in a world trying to be more coarse…
When you be nice to them, you lay groundwork to resolve points of contention or at least have a pleasant time with those you would otherwise be angry with.
Having nice times with nice people is good
Come on. Drop it.
More nice people = more angry people because to become liked by all, you must sacrifice the real you. I think that the word itself needs clarifying, or perhaps, updating.
This group of comments makes me want to pull some hair out. Not certain as to whose.
The article shows how a lack of niceness causes trouble.
When the Mrs. Powers was approached by the two girls in the cafeteria, the story would have had a happy ending if those girls had been nice.
Had they treated the author nicely, they would have relieved her anxiety.
Mrs. Powers was nice. She was considerate of the barbaric girls’ feelings. She tried to reach out, but the rude girls just behaved more poorly. This caused hurt feelings.
Being nice greases the wheels of social intercourse. It makes it so those with anxiety because they are among strangers socially, such as the author, comfortable.
When we are nice, we are less selfish. We reach out to others when we are nice.
We overlook things, we forgive, are empathetic and are patient when we are nice.
As the she writes, nice people are peacekeepers. They do not look for trouble. Trouble is sought by those who are not nice. There are too many people like that in the world.
So being nice brings out virtue in us. The more nice we are, even when doing so is challenging, builds character.
With practice, we increase our capacity to be nice, kind, forgiving, unselfish and peacekeepers; just like a weight lifter develops stronger muscles by lifting weights.
I must respectfully disagree with Mrs. Powers, and hope she is tolerant of a different view on whether being kind and compassionate are nice.
I hasten to add I agree with the author that boundaries must be set. Being nice does not mean surrendering to the barbarians. That would not be nice.
We may not cure cancer, stop wars or solve poverty, and it would be unreasonable to expect us to do so.
But what we can do is make our little corner of the world a better place. We can walk in a room and tell a joke, be complimentary of others, or do something to lift the mood, even by just a little. Since we can do these things, and because they make the world a better place, we therefore should do them.
There is nothing wrong with standing against coarseness, because coarseness obstructs civility. Being more civilized should be a goal, and we each have a part to play.
Being nice makes the world a better place, and we may justifiably take pride in that.
It may not be appreciated, but we should not be nice to please others.
The reason we should be nice is because we are nice people. Therefore, being nice is being authentic.
Mrs. Powers is correct about boundaries. We can set boundaries and insist they be respected without failing to be nice.
Doing so nicely makes compliance more likely, because being rude does not encourage others to respect us, but quite the opposite. Who among us is more likely to honor a request when the other person is screaming at us, calling us names and belittling us more than a request made gently and respectfully?
Toss in a little empathy and some charm and others will treat us much better. Just make it genuine and people will respond.
If there is something you wish someone else to do, the best way to proceed is to ask nicely.
Doing so will show the other person you are well disposed toward them, which makes it more possible they will cooperate. A bond will form when they see you are nice like them.
Nice people seek more niceness in the world, so being nice to them shows you are on their side and may be considered an ally in the effort to make the world more nice.
Asking rudely, however, will cause them to be defensive and feel insulted. It is therefore less likely they will cooperate, because rewarding bad behavior invites more of it.
Being distasteful is what nice people seek to avoid. Nice people would prefer the barbaric, coarse people to learn to be nice.
As people become more refined, civilization advances in a nice direction, characterized by the increase in niceness and civility.
Ah, you must be patient, my friend.
Patience is a virtue and, as you can see, niceness causes virtue to increase.
Sometimes we must not only be patient, but being forgiving may be called for. Having forgiveness is another virtue.
This makes our society better because it is more nice.
Rudeness automatically places one in the wrong. Rudeness is bad.
We don’t want any more rudeness, there is too much already.
Being nice is being authentic, because you are a nice person. Please keep your standards where they are.
There is nothing wrong with looking good or behaving well. There is plenty right with doing both.
Your boyfriend needs to wise up and listen to you and be more nice himself.
It is possible he sees superior qualities in you and feels resentful.
Dealing with someone who is bipolar is challenging. It requires an alteration in perspective in order to understand what you are dealing with. It requires listening and learning.
I am engaged to a lady who has Asperger’s and so do her two sons I will adopt.
I do not view this condition as a defect. It is something special. It requires me to be more understanding, patient and considerate. Something that brings out these qualities in me and compels me to be better at expressing them can’t be a bad thing.
What I am doing is establishing a household in which things that trigger meltdowns are reduced. They will have more peace in their lives.
I imagine being bipolar is like Asperger’s – after a meltdown you feel awful. You should not be judged for that. This is where compassion, forgiveness and true love need to grow in the other person. Having those qualities increase in them is a good thing. Something that makes them better can’t be bad.
I would respectfully quibble with one statement you made about always feeling your manners were perfect. We could all use a little humility at that point.
Also, keep in mind that we should not stop growing. All growth necessarily involves change, from one state to another. Hopefully that change is to a better state of being. If we think we are doing something perfectly, we close the door to growth, because we will be compelled to stay where we are.
When we think others need to be more compassionate toward us, often we should, at the same time, check to see if we can’t be a bit more compassionate ourselves.
There are many things we can do to help others be more understanding of us.
If I am in strong disagreement with another person, and want them to come over to my side, if we are nose to nose, they have no room to do so.
I have to give them room by stepping back, even when I know I am in the right.
When I step back, they can step forward.
See how that works?
Another person who needs to be more compassionate toward you will be more likely to do so if you wisely figure out how to fertilize the ground for them to grow in. You can pave the way for them by showing them how and making it a pleasant thing and not a chore.