“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.” ~Elbert Hubbard
Tonight I am troubled because I have graduated college, and as I am looking back, I am hyperaware of my losses.
In the past few years, I have had the opportunity to make many friends and lose many friends, largely because of my inability to understand and articulate my bipolar disorder to others. I am ashamed at times because of the mood swings that others seem to dismiss as problems that are “all in my head.”
I have lost countless friends, have had relationships end, and have had family members retract because of my seemingly endless cycles of depression and sudden elevation that makes it nearly impossible for others to “sync up” with me.
It feels as though I am eternally trapped sometimes; even with medication and therapy, this illness still manifests itself in subtle ways, making intimacy (which I equate with understanding) very difficult.
I have personally known friends and family members with disabilities and illnesses of their own who isolate themselves because they think the challenge of relating to others is too much.
And I sympathize with them—it sometimes really is! These friends have started seeking out others with other illnesses; they’ve decided to select friends with similar traits versus values.
It may seem like seeking out those similar traits will lead to understanding, but it won’t necessarily lead to solid relationships. Shared illness and disabilities don’t guarantee shared interests and priorities.
Illnesses and disabilities don’t tell us who people are as people; it’s really about what they do with the cards they are dealt that reveals their character.
Some people choose to align with others with similar traits because it’s easier than discovering what their values are. However, the connections made with values are a lot more authentic because values are self-made, not pre-determined.
And as much as I personally want to give up on seeking these connections sometimes, I remember that we are all different in our own way, and most of us feel like there is some sort of deficit in us one way or another.
If it’s not bipolar disorder, it may be one’s weight that one is unhappy about, one’s health status or family baggage that holds one back from putting oneself out there to the world. Vulnerability is hard!
I don’t want to limit myself to only those who can understand me because they have the same illness. I am far too curious about the lives of others as well, although sometimes it is disheartening because I haven’t always had this reciprocated.
I am conflicted about whether I should live a life of transparency and be upfront about my mental illness to those I meet because I am so afraid of being judged.
The point is, I have put myself out there before, and the fact that I take personal responsibility, admitting that my moody behaviors have shocked, hurt, and offended others before, makes it both liberating and frustrating.
I almost want to stop letting new people into my life; the weight of rejection feels like too much sometimes.
There are a few things I remind myself to get out of this rut.
- The more I get to know myself, the more I can predict my tendencies and practice self-care.
- The more honest I am with others, the more honesty I am inviting from them, and the more likely I can help set the tone for intimacy.
- The more people I come to contact with, the more likely I will come across individuals who might be healthier for me and be in a place to work with me.
- The more people I come across, the more practice I will have in learning understanding, self-control, and compassion.
- The more I obsess about making a mistake with a new person, the more likely I will.
Therefore, despite my failed friendships and relationships, I have strong conviction that the strongest relationships are those with deep commitment—and that the first and strongest relationship should be that which is with yourself.
I have committed to not let past fears and rejection hold me back. This commitment is a type of freedom in itself, and a small model of what I can aspire to in relationships with others.
Have you ever felt limited by the fear that others won’t understand you? What’s helped you overcome it?
Photo by Nicole Abalde
About Naima Tracy
Naima Tracy is a recent college graduate living on a yoga retreat in Hawaii. She facilitates support groups & focuses on empowering those with Bipolar Disorder in relationships. She plays jazz, dances burlesque, and does yoga in her free time. Her love for learning and people is contagious—you’ve been warned! Visit sites.google.com/site/mindfulnessandbipolardisorder/.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Which is why for me, making friends for the long term is always a challenge for me
I truly appreciate this post because I identify with what you are describing. I have struggled tremendously with personal relationships during college due to bipolar disorder and inability to verbally convey my disease without the fearful repercussion of a stigma. As a consequence, I attended a local support group in order to better identify my sentiments with a population group. This effort only resulted in fear of my potential future due to the vast majority of the group being older and appearing dismayed about the life they were leading. Ironically, shortly after I attended a backpacking trip that required seven days of constant interaction with a group of strangers. This has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my college career because of the lightheartedness of the scenario and the fact that it permitted me to fixate on my butt freezing in the cold as opposed to my diagnosis the week prior. Hence, after a 1.5 years into the diagnosis, I have come to value human interaction at any level as a necessity. I focus on simply engaging with others in order to feel as if my existence is worthwhile. The deep rooted relationships will sow their seeds naturally from the initial step of seeking interaction based upon the factor of time. My life is a prime example in this regard as well. I meet my now fiance on the backpacking trip and confronted him with the fact that I was bipolar-to my shock- within one week of knowing him- mind you my parents and entire family were unaware, he was the first to know. Yet, I used my forwardness as a test of acceptance. He responded in the exact manner I needed, but I also had analyzed his level of empathy for seven days. Yet,it is not every person’s inclination to be accepting of certain matters and thus I withhold this dominating factor of my life from others. I have never told my brother, grandparents, and regret telling my sister my diagnosis. My reason being is that I knew that they were incapable or unwilling to provide me support in the matter and thus it would have only caused an awkward elephant in the room. With any conversation topic, you must access the situation and as to whether it is appropriate. Relationships have a natural progression if they are meant to continue forward, but the reality is that many relationships dissipate even for those who are not bi-polar. The reciprocal is that there are just as many people seeking a new relationship to foster as well. Seek an interactive environment and doing what is your passion, as opposed on finding an understanding- human beings are complex and the most important understanding is that you have of yourself. Thanks again for writing this post!
Often i feel like the author, i want to be liked. Also, i dont want people to know me, i dont want to know other people. How do i make myself truly care about having a friend? No one ever
adresses this problem.
Dear Naima,
I have seasonal depression and the winters in Utah are very difficult for me. I become incredibly withdrawn, lethargic and while I usually love being around people and starting new conversations, I become so afraid that people may judge me that I don’t even try to talk to them. The rest of the year I’m fine, and I do not know what it’s like to have bipolar disorder. But from your writing, I judge you to be a grounded person. I think for most, it’s easy to go through life without confronting the full range of emotions we have- we can just shove them away and be content in our semi-awareness. But it seems you are forced to confront your emotions, which is probably difficult and tiring, but I also think you are living a fuller life then most because you are truly getting to know yourself.
Try to live outside of the stigma. You are a beautfiul person and you are loved.
Thanks Naima – once in a while there is a post that resonates so much I like to comment too. I am 39 now and have had OCD since 13 which has morphed over the years from classical checking into what is now just intensely destabilizing ruminations about distressing subjects – usually esoteric and unresolvable in nature. So I know I think in different ways to others and never feel I have much of an identity to relate to – I have to be mindful of what thoughts I am having all of the time. I told work about it because the industrial relations people said I should – but with these conditions people quickly forget that a normal day for everyone else may have been a particular struggle for me. So it is frustrating and isolating – but I also feel BRAVE now. I don’t mind exposing my emotions to those I have decided I can trust, sometimes it works, other times not so much. But everyone makes and loses friends (even though I always hated the thought of losing one – I felt as though I should be able to be friends with everyone and always took it personally instead of moving on) – its no big deal, probably its the obsessing that doesn’t help. The people that can’t handle dealing with your condition are the ones to stay away from – those who will nurture your growth are obvious targets to gravitate towards. I agree – condition suffered is irrelevant.
People with mental health problems have to be brave, there is no recognition for our struggles, no Olympics for how amazingly well some folk cope with crippling mental conditions. But people with these diagnoses also have opportunities – they have to be committed to personal growth and ‘normal people’ usually can’t be bothered with that – and so never reap its rewards. That’s why the high road is the path less travelled! Glad to be on it – if not exactly by choice 😉
Wow, it took me a long time to read this post. I heard my own inner voice, and it felt so raw. Tears streaming down my face. Thank you for having the courage to share your story. I’m 27 and in the process of emerging from a very long isolation…it’s been frightening feeling that I have to justify why I am where I am to others, the shame that I feel for not being where society thinks I should be (house, job, car, kids), but my heart is open and the process is perfect just as it is. Whether the growth that I’ve made has an effect in this life or the next, it is okay and it is what it is. I still have to talk myself into opening up to others, but by having more compassion for myself, I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the reactions of others. Acceptance.
Making friends has always been difficult for me because I felt like I just couldn’t relate to everyone else. People seemed so carefree and happy or at least seemingly happier than I was. I am bipolar and was going through periods of depression with accompanying manic episodes.
I found that I was not only withdrawing from others and beginning to view people as potential threats to my own safety, but was also suppressing my emotions to try and stabilize my body in the hope that it would help me. This suppression of emotions has caused me to become what I would probably label as obsessed with logic, blunt, unsociable like a robot with a human face.
I was constantly suffering inside and I never really understood why. Trying to avoid pain (including people) became my only goal in life. That goal was no goal as it just caused emptiness and frustration. That led to my two suicide attempts which caused even more unhappiness and lowered my self-esteem. It also didn’t help with the bipolar.
Then I started learning about my body and mind connection through an acting workshop I was taking. I also spoke to someone who had to learned how to control his emotions without suppressing them due to hypersensitivity.
I found out that your internal and outer world is meant to be in harmony with each other. Sounds obvious, but for me it wasn’t because I was so far on the extreme. I began changing subconsciously and realizing what I had done to myself. Learning to regulate and change undesirable emotions and thoughts is a better way for balance I think.
Changing this, I believe, is a start to making friends, but getting up the courage to speak to someone is the hardest part when you’ve spent your whole life learning how to withdraw. Sigh.
I’ve been struggling with my appearence for 3 years, and now I’m seeing how it made me feel unaccepted by others, but actually I was the only one who didn’t accept myself. The moment I realised that people don’t care about appearence, that’s not important for a true friendship or relationship, and there are people that like you for who you are no matter your weight and clothes, I understood that all these worries were useless. I thought that being skinny, having an empty stomach and legs that doesn’t touch would make people love me and want to talk to me, but now I realise that my friends like me because of my values and my personality and that’s all I need to be happy.
Hello Naima,
I have recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and your ideas make complete sense to me. I have lost so many friends over the years, I am now too scared to try and build new relationships. But I cannot isolate myself forever.
Thank you for writing this.
Bipolar mood swings and delusions can be hard for others to understand. A bipolar friend recently attacked me for always being angry, after I had entered her house in a calm and happy mood, and I had no other option but to walk away from her aggressive and irrational confrontation. Mental illness can be hard for those on the receiving end who may be asked to tolerate off behaviour that is excused as a symptom of the illness. Trying to reason and remain calm when someone is becoming increasingly aggressive or delusional is difficult for all concerned. Meditation helps but there is only so much others are willing to excuse. Most people aren’t put off by mental illness unless the person is behaving dangerously. Diffusing the intense aggression and listening to the manic talk can be really difficult and exhausting. It’s like you don’t exist in the conversation and your feelings do not matter. With medication and a healthy lifestyle most people adjust really well to mental illness and can have supportive and rewarding relationships. Mental illness makes life difficult at times but there are lots of people who will accept you without making you feel ashamed.
Naima, what a deeply thoughtful and beautifully expressed piece. I was Googling to see what has been written about people who form positive bonds with others who share their chronic illness, and ran across this. Your point about traits versus values is so important.