“In the end, who among us does not choose to be a little less right to be a little less lonely.” ~Robert Braul
I’ve been married to my wife for almost ten years, most of them involving struggle and drama.
I had two failed marriages before that.
This qualifies me to give relationship advice because, well, let’s just say I’ve made every mistake someone could possibly make while attempting to be in a relationship, so I’ve definitely figured out how not to do it.
Blunders, confusion, and oversights, not to mention abject failures, have bludgeoned me into a few realizations—the most important one was that being a self-absorbed, insensitive jerk wasn’t exactly working for either one of us.
For so many years, the best relationship I can remember having was with my dog.
The thing is, watching Beauregard chase sticks, or sitting on the couch together watching football while he scratched himself behind the ear, was hardly going to be the next best-selling romance novel.
Don’t get me wrong; it wasn’t terrible. I mean, my wife Jeannie and I have never fought very much, but there was always an undercurrent of dissatisfaction and frustration.
It wasn’t terrible, but then again, it wasn’t great either.
Shouldn’t it be great?
Almost ten years into my third marriage, I decided that’s it’s never too late to take responsibility and be the catalyst for change.
My wife is a sensitive, caring, nurturing woman who loves her children and, I believe, loves me.
And I love her. I’m a devoted, faithful husband. So what was the problem?
Well, we had begun moving in our own little worlds. Together but separate. Our own interests and separate friends. We’d pass each other in the hallway occasionally.
Taking her for granted just snuck up on me. She deserved better, and I knew it.
Looking back, I can’t believe the amount of resentment and heartache I put her through, yet there she was almost ten years later—despite the frustration and bitterness, she was hanging in there with never a thought of giving up.
Then I had an epiphany.
If I were going to have the kind of extraordinary, fulfilling relationship with my wife that I knew we were capable of and deserved, I’d have to bring some focus and intention to the situation.
How to Become the Partner Your Significant Other Deserves
Bringing her flowers or cooking him his favorite steak dinner once every six months is kind of like putting a Band-Aid on a broken leg. It’s a nice gesture, but ultimately it won’t fix the problem.
No, I decided to take a more fundamental approach—changing my attitudes and behaviors so as to create a different paradigm to work from.
Here are the changes that had the greatest impact on transforming our relationship.
Give in once in a while (even if you think you’re right).
Picking your battles can relieve a lot of pressure. It dawned on me that I just didn’t need to be right about everything.
I stopped digging my heels in and standing my ground about things that didn’t make that much difference in the first place.
Sure, I still needed to set my boundaries, but now I make certain it’s something that’s truly worth fighting for. I found that most of the things we were getting upset over really weren’t that important for me to be right about.
I found that if you can just let go and give up your addiction to being right all the time, things will smooth out substantially.
You know the old saying. “Would you rather be right or happy?”
Forgive yourself.
Sometimes I feel like a mistake machine waiting to be turned up to nine on the screw-up-o-meter.
We all charge off in the wrong direction occasionally, but some of the rock-headed things I’ve managed to pull off have been world class!
I concluded that the only way to feel good about myself was to forgive myself.
Once you’ve forgiven yourself, you can then ask your partner to forgive you. This will allow for a fresh start, and you can begin relating to each other in a more open and loving way.
Tell the truth (but maybe not every fact down to the smallest detail).
Being honest and forthright is the only way forward.
I’ve always been faithful, and I’ve been honest about the big stuff.
It was the $100 power drill purchase or the traffic ticket for sliding through the stop sign that I’d sweep under the table occasionally.
I’ve learned that it’s about integrity and how you feel about yourself.
Now I try to be open and aboveboard about everything I do. Even if I think it’s trivial and unimportant.
That being said, its best to be more sensitive to your partner’s feelings by not needing to share every detail about things in the past that have no bearing on the present or future.
For instance, things like the intimate details of prior relationships.
(There is a big difference between being open and honest and insensitively over-sharing.)
Practice random kindness and generosity.
I know I mentioned earlier about how bringing her flowers or cooking him a nice dinner was just a Band-Aid.
Be that as it may, I’ve found that occasionally surprising your partner with something great can move the needle toward extraordinary quite quickly.
It doesn’t have to be anything expensive. (Or, it could be if it makes financial sense.) Just do something nice.
You know your partner, so you know what that thing is.
You’ll be amazed at how good it will make you feel to do something nice for somebody just because that person is your best friend, and they deserve it.
The reaction you get just might be extraordinary
Giving your all is the key.
It can be very frustrating to feel that you’ve given your all to a relationship and not gotten as much (or anything) in return.
It’s been my experience that you can’t change or “fix” the other person unless that person really wants to change. But if you can stay in good communication with your partner, make sure your boundaries are set, and most importantly (if the relationship is important to you), don’t give up, there is an excellent chance your partner will sooner or later have an epiphany like mine.
This is what Jeannie did, and it’s one of the main things that eventually led to me waking up like I did.
The most important realization was that I needed to give much more to the relationship than I had been giving.
It’s Never Too Late
Every relationship is different, but I believe that if you practice the above advice, as well as maintain good-quality two-way communication, your relationship will move from ordinary to extraordinary.
All that’s required is a little focus and intention.
Jeannie and I could have muddled along the way we were, and things would have been okay, but I chose to make an effort to make it extraordinary.
What about you?
Embracing couple image via Shutterstock
About Cary David Richards
Cary David Richards is an author, entrepreneur and vintage race car driver from Seattle Wa. He uses his years in the corporate sales trenches as well as a lifetime of trial, error and exhaustive study to bring information and strategies about relationships, abundance and productivity to those searching for a new path. Read more at improvedmindpub.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
What a great thing to read. I’m so happy you found it in yourself to do this. I can only imagine how happy you have made your wife, and yourself in the process.
When I read your blog post a wry smile came over me. I can relate to so much what you have said. Unfortunately it is too late for my current relationship as me and my girlfriend split up a week ago. To be fair we were both as bad as each other, but that doesn’t mean that one of you can’t make things much better as you have said. I’m feeling pretty sad right now but your blog has reminded me that it isn’t too late. Although I have got no intention of trying to meet anyone new at the moment I do hope that I will at some point in the future. I will certainly change my behaviour and approach a new relationship completely differently. Great read, thank you
Thanks Andy,
Hang in there bud. It’s when you’re not looking that the best things show up!
It’s amazing what a little intention and focus can do!
I’m happy for you and your relationship. However, truth be told, your wife’s long-suffering is one of the reasons I loathe, despise and feel incredibly disempowered by being female. It’s like realizing there are two classes of human in this world, one with the power and who gets the goodies, and has MASTER stamped across its forehead, the other who will never have the power or get the goodies, and is stamped SLAVE…
Then realizing, because of your hormones and genitals, you have been officially cast by nature as the latter. And there is no escape from the brutal, masochist, anguishing role ahead. Ever. Until death.
When I was a young girl, I read in National Geographic certain tribes around the world burst into tears and mourning when a female baby is born. It took me decades to learn the grief was not at her being female, but FOR her for being.
The innate selfishness and narcissism of the male, which you admit to freely in your article, is a curse Woman will never escape from. I feel chained to it. It makes me wish for death and has since I was 17. That was three decades ago.
But this morning, a Scotswoman centenarian arrived like an apologetic kiss from the angels, advising women worldwide that the secret to what made her life so long in years was – specifically – avoiding men.
I am grateful to Jessie Gallan, but I wish my mother had heard her words and left my father years ago. Instead, she remained, mulishly, like your poor wife, and her husband hollowed out, beat and drained her until she died from cancer.
He is now dying too, scant months later, because his vampire energy source he’s fed off all his years is now gone and he has nowhere left to turn, no other female near to exploit. And that’s what it’s all about, sir. Men devour women. You eat us whole and give nothing in return.
So I cannot help but take this very good article with a grain of salt and a faint grimace of pain, and with very real fear for your third, and in all likelihood by no means last, wife. It’s just how you fellas roll.
God help us for bringing you into the world and God help me for being one of those humans stamped SLAVE, whom nature has forced into the role of having to do so.
Sure you will.
I love men’s “promises to become better”. They’re kind of like postcards. 🙂
Thanks for the encouragement! Personally I think we can all learn from our mistakes and improve ourselves. That goes for both men and women. Having just read your longer post you have clearly made up your mind about all men, maybe through previous bad experiences. That’s a real shame, not all humans are the same and not all men treat women like slaves. In fact, I don’t know one that does!
You can change… WE all can change… my boyfriend and I have an AWESOME friendship but we fight like cats and dogs… It has just taken a toll on me and after a conversation with him, I told him that we are better than this, we deserve better and if not with each other then by ourselves but we can not keep on the same road. Long story short its only been a about 2 months and we have had a fight or two( it’s just us he says tomato, I say ketchup) but its different now… even though we did get upset with each other it’s not an all out war that last for hours with many hits below the belt(figuratively speaking). Some of my friends and family are really confused as to why I would stay but I tell them its about the friendship we have. We both like to do exactly what the other likes… except musicals he hates them and I love them.
Anyways Andy, I said that to say maybe its not too late with you and your ex? Just as you feel a little down and out so does she. If not just use it as a learning lesson for the next girl (whenever that maybe)….
My rule of thumb is if Love is there or the door is still open for love to come back in then fight for it… walk away knowing well I did my best regardless!
Dear Snowflake,
It’s clear that you’ve had some very negative experiences with men. I believe that unfortunately for centuries in the past much of what you say has been true. However I also believe that things can change and are changing. I think that one of the big reasons that our western culture has flourished in the later part of the 20th and the early part of the 21st century is that we have begun to give power and responsibility to our entire population not just the 50% or so that have penises. I know many powerful, successful women. (The owner of this very successful blog is a woman) It isn’t easy and it’s not perfect yet but trust me when I say there are lots and lots of men out there that trust, value and respect women. Please don’t lump us all into the same category as your father who was obviously struggling with his own demons.
Hi Holly,
Your right, every relationship is different and it’s up to us to make it up as we go along in whatever way empowers us and fulfills us.
Gosh, now I miss her. I need to tell her how extraordinary she is in my life right now. Thanks for the excellent article.