“You must love in such a way that the other person feels free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
Conventional notions of what it means to love are populated with expectations for reciprocity, which often gets us into trouble. I know this personally, because whenever I have “freely” given my love and it has not been rewarded with reciprocity, I have often come face to face with my resentment.
This has been especially true of my intimate relationships. I want the people who fall into this category, in particular, to reciprocate my love. I expect them to. But, as Thich Nhat Hanh points out, love is expansive, not constrictive.
I had a boyfriend once, for example, who seemed to genuinely like spending time with me, but didn’t make our relationship a priority. This was a guy who was pretty laid back in general, and so I discounted his reserve and tried to be patient, thinking we’d eventually turn a corner.
What became clear, over the course of four years, is that my patience was thinly veiling a whole host of disappointed expectations for reciprocity. And in the end I felt angry and betrayed.
The question is: by whom really?
When some time had passed and I was able to look back on the situation with a little more objectivity, it became clear that I’d entered into the relationship with typical expectations for attention, time, comfort, and affection—in other words, an agenda.
I don’t mean to say there is anything wrong with wanting to be loved. There isn’t. It is a good and natural impulse.
We all deserve the love of our intimate others and should be careful to choose partners whose love for us is a natural, abundant outpouring of their feelings, and investment in us and our wellbeing.
The desire to be loved—to the extent that it is fueled by any underlying agendas or feelings of isolation and loneliness—can be very problematic. It often turns a relationship into some version of, “I’ll scratch your back if you’ll scratch mine.” And love isn’t contractual.
However, bargaining is, and this, unfortunately, was the weak foundation on which my own compromised relationship stood and faltered. He failed to invest in the relationship while taking advantage of all the intimate benefits, and I failed to draw good boundaries; I settled for being used, rather than being loved.
Revealed in all this was the fact that I hadn’t exactly been looking after my own needs very well. I’d neglected and betrayed myself, in some sense, and needed to assume greater responsibility for my own personal happiness.
To that end I began a quest to locate the sense of inner contentment and satisfaction I so craved, but was not in possession of. I read books, magazines, watched films, and made note of what resonated with me and what did not—what stirred my enthusiasm, what made sense.
I became more curious about my inner life. An act of love in itself.
Later, I began a regular practice of journal writing and meditation. I’m a big believer in the contemplative arts, which, for me, can include things like painting, running, swimming, knitting—almost anything that helps you reach a more contemplative state of mind. For me this was huge.
What I have learned the hard way is that a robust love stands the best chance of materializing between people who have ripened sufficiently as individuals. And it is always a work in progress.
Love is never complete. Just as life is always moving and re-shaping itself, this is true with love.
Thus, loving in such a way that the person we love feels free is as simple and straightforward as it is complex and discursive.
Essentially, we need to practice being the love we wish to see in the world, and that requires a deeply rooted sense of reverence and respect for ourselves, our intimate others, and the wonderfully complex, exquisitely vulnerable, flawed humanity we share.
It requires making mistakes, making amends, and trying to manage matters with an increasing degree of skill and intelligence, not to mention forgiveness.
Here is a lovely quote by Rumi that really gets to the heart of the matter.
And still, after all this time, the Sun has never said to the Earth
“You owe me.”
Look what happens with love like that.
It lights up the sky.
Which is to say, we need to be love. That is all there really is to it in the end—simple, but not easy, as with most things worth striving for in life. Then the love returned by others can be received as the gift that it is.
Ultimately, love is its own reward. Generous. Expansive. Inclusive. Receptive. Liberating.
Love well, live well!
Photo by mrhayata
About Audrey Meyer
Audrey Meyer lives in beautiful Vancouver, B.C. She is a writer, minimalist, and cultural anthropologist. If you like what you have read here, you can find more at: http://purpletrilliumpress.blogspot.ca/
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Great article, Audrey. I recently wrote an article for another site that touches what you’re talking about to some extent. A lot of people look to a significant others to fill this void and then they’re depressed when they either A) feel no reciprocation or B) are not in a relationship. We should learn to be happy with ourselves first and have a special someone make our lives that much better. Being 100% dependent and expecting them to fill a void is a lot of pressure and it’s setting yourself up for pain.
Beautiful post! I wish that I could keep the feeling I have after reading this post 24/7. thank you for sharing what you have learned.
Audrey, I LOVE this (geddit? 😉
There is a fine line between loving someone purely, and loving for reciprocity. For me, I think when I love someone (whether it’s a partner, family member, friend), why SHOULDN’T they reciprocate? After all, too much selflessness can turn one into a total doormat.
However, I’ve concluded that when I love someone with the expectation that something is given in return, this is loving from an insecure place. But after a while, too much giving and not enough receiving is toxic and it’s time to discuss the relationship.
It’s the expectation that makes the love an act of insecurity. For me, it will always exist. I’ve chosen to be aware of it and address it when it’s there.
The Rumi quote – just beautiful 🙂
Razwana
One of my favorite Rumi quotes! This is a beautiful and much-needed reminder. Thank you!
Thanks for your feedback. I take your point that loving is a bit of a delicate balance between expansion and contraction–being the love for me means that it all begins on the inside and radiates out. My warmth is something that is an innate part of my presence in optimal conditions. It is just a bit of a challenge to maintain center. Thanks again.
That is basically what I’ve observed as well. Thanks so much for the compliment and feedback!
Thanks for that! I know I benefit from reminders that other people have written also.
What a lovely thing to say! Thank you for sharing your heart and your thoughts.
Audrey – AWESOME post! I absolutely
love how you articulated this … “between people who have ripened
sufficiently as individuals.”
This resonates so strongly with me. I never felt whole and complete within
myself growing up, and like I was always looking for love to fill the void
within me. I had many loving people in my life but the love was never enough to satisfy me (to fill the void!) But when I took time out over a few years in my 20’s to really learn
to accept and love myself fully, then later met my husband, I feel like that time
‘ripening’ myself allowed me to be whole and present in our relationship in a
way that our love was a complement to me, not a missing piece I needed to
complete me.
Great quote too… “You must love in such a way that the person you
love feels free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh”
Definitely sharing this! Blessings and thank you.
Bernadette 🙂
So happy to hear that this resonated with you. Thanks for taking the time to write and share a small part of your own story as well. I found this little fragment of one of Jorge Luis Borges poems that says it all too: “So, plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.” Thanks for your lovely comments!
What a beautiful quote! Thanks for sharing it.
Bx
Thank you so much for this wonderful article.I can’t express what I am feeling right now.Ever word is so true…Thank you with all my heart:)
This is very true, ”
What I have learned the hard way is that a robust love stands the best chance of materializing between people who have ripened sufficiently as individuals. And it is always a work in progress.”
Really loving someone is like they are in a bird cage with the door open. You feed them love, but if they decide they want something new, that door is always open for them to fly. You trust them enough with your love, but at the same time love them enough unconditionaly to let them fly if they need to.
My hubby had been burnt very badly and had trouble making a decision when it came to our relationship. One day I just told him, “I love you and you can’t stop me from loving you, if you don’t feel the same; I love you enough to let you go, because the most important thing is your happiness.”
He learned what real love is. Like they say, Turn the dog loose and if he returns to you it is meant to be.
Thank you for sharing your experience and what you have learned.
Debbie
AWESOME post! Thank you for sharing your experience, insight, and message! 🙂
I am bowled over by the amazing reception that my piece has received. Thanks so much, from the bottom of my heart, for your wonderful compliment too!
Thanks for sharing your story and insight too. I am filled with gratitude for such heartfelt responses!
You are most welcome. I am so happy you were touched. I am also touched by such sensitive responses as yours. Thank you for sharing that with me.
Thank you, Audrey, for this wonderful entry.
Your insights resonate well with me. However, I need some enlightenment with some concepts… you mentioned in your writing that you were in a relationship wherein you failed to “draw good boundaries”. Isn’t the concept of having a boundary an indicator of having some sort of expectation?
“I draw this line, and when he crosses it, that’s it.”
Loving and giving freely, as well as the ability to be unconditionally generous are liberating. Some teachings would say that once you live by these, the universe will give back to you. However, isn’t there a danger of exposing ourselves to “settling” or to be taken advantage of?
You are blessed and may your days be always full of peace!
The idea of being love is such a beautiful thing. As you said, not always easy, but its something to strive for everyday. I also find much needed calmness in doing the things you mentioned, the contemplative arts. I never really thought about why I loved to spend time drawing, walking in nature, swimming and crocheting until I read this. Thanks so much for sharing your insight!
Thanks for the great question. I don’t think of drawing boundaries in terms of expectations, but more in terms of maintaining standards for myself that contribute to the preservation of my personal integrity. If someone chooses to behave towards me in a way that is compromising and toxic, I don’t expect them to be other than who and where they are in that moment. What I do is be aware of the fact that a violation has taken place, and make sure I remove myself from the situation. I hope that clarifies things a little. Thanks again for your comments. Keep asking good questions!
Thank you for sharing! I came to the same realization not too long ago. It was lovely to read your article.
What a beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on love. I am engaged to a very special person, someone who allows me to be free. That is unconditional love and I feel very lucky to be in this type of relationship. I love him exactly the way he is. If there is something that I am irritated by it is only a reflection of myself so it is something I need to look at myself instead of passing my power over to someone else.
Having to go through a similar situation, your words left me smiling this morning.
Reciprocity should be voluntary by the other person. The way to be happy with your choices of ‘giving’ ‘loving’ is to not want anything in return. Because lets face it, humanity is flawed with selfishness and hence you need to mirror someone or something that is beyond the bounds of it, The higher self, the higher consciousness, God (if you will) . Be kind, Be bright, Be never- ending source of love, Be the sun.
I loved your article, Audrey. You touched my heart. Thank you for sharing.
This article is awesome and it’s really hitting something I have struggled with. I have always used boyfriends as my rock to stand on, and often relied on them for all my emotional needs, and just ended up feeling like a miserable, battered housewife when they didn’t reciprocate my love the way I wanted. I am realizing that despite my good intentions I have continued my stupidity into my current relationship with an amazing guy I really honestly love. We had an amazing thing going that spiraled away from us during over a year apart and some minor infidelity on his part. We were both desperately trying to repair and were very commited to each other and still in love, but I don’t think either of us knew how to get to where we wanted to be. We are on a two week break right now because he thinks he wants to break up with me. I am absolutely determined to try to move towards this kind of a love, for my own sake. I want to be okay with the idea of letting him go if being with me isn’t right for him anymore. I still love him and hope we can find some common ground, but I want to be able to say that to him and mean it. Problem is… I have no idea where to start! It seems almost impossible and the hurt and pain feels totally overwhelming. How do I begin?
Debbie, this is one of the most amazing things I have ever read. I’m blown away! I am on a break with my boyfriend of 2.5 years, who says he thinks he wants to break up with me but is going to take the time to consider it. I want to be able to say this sentiment to him when I see him, but I feel like I’m too full of selfishness and pain to be able to mean it. I want to mean it though, I want to let go of my needing him to reciprocate everything. I’ve never been able to do that with anyone, and there’s no better time than now.
Do you have any ideas about how I can start myself on this path?
Thank you for this wonderful wisdom. All of my relationships with men have been like your relationship with the boyfriend in this article. I made a pact with myself a year ago to never settle again. 6 weeks ago, I met a man who lights up my life. He is kind, gentle, caring, passionate. He was there for me during my hysterectomy a few weeks ago and has been very supportive as I deal with the changes my body is going through as I heal from the surgery. I am trying very hard to let this relationship flourish on its own, one day at a time rather than worry about when he disappear from my life as the others have done. Your article has soothed my soul and my brain is quiet for once.
Tonya
Thanks Audrey for this beautiful article. Not an easy subject to write about and you did it so well.
I have shared it on my community page clear4thinking
Keep up the good work.
With Love, Grace & Gratitude,
Meredith
Hi Audrey, I understand what you wrote about boundaries and being aware of violations, while still allowing someone to be themselves. What about unconscious violations. What if the person is not as emotionally developed as you are and you feel like a deep connection is lacking. What if this person lacks self-love, can they love you? Can you still give love freely to them and set the example, or do you decide that you just don’t have the connection that is needed to continue growing together. Can two people really ever grow at the same rate?
Is it possible to mend a relationship that has gone down this route? If there is understanding between two people and the individual issues are resolved?
Thanks, this is a great and interesting post and really makes you discover the reasons behind many expectations from others.
I was just speaking to a good friend tonight about this, how I believe many people are in relationships my age (early 20s) just to be in a relationship, to fill a void of avoiding being alone, spending time with yourself. We live in a society where we have to constantly be entertained with our time and we expect things instantly to happen and I think this is driving factor of many people seeking companionship or attention from the opposite sex. I have enjoyed in the past year as recent college grad to spend more time to Myself with my journal has become my personal self-therapist. Love yourself completely and then love others.
It wasn’t until 3 weeks ago that I fully invested myself into loving without expectations. With some serious soul searching and a 1 1/2 year romantic relationship without an utter of an I love you, I decided to love him enough to let him go. Oddly, I felt at peace and never cried a tear, nor did I feel any anger towards him. A week later, he came back and told me he loved me and I him, and unbeknownst to either of us, he unexpectedly had to return to his home state over 500 miles away for a job. I was sad that he was leaving, I cried a little, but I knew that holding expectations on what our future would hold would hurt us both. It took me so long to realize what loving someone without expectation, and judgment was. It’s truly unconditional love.
I agree with what you say here, but let’s face it: Other people in relationships with us almost always have their own agendas too, and some will impose them as if they are entitled or attempt to extract things from you but think you should not have expectations. I think relationships require more mindfulness and consciousness than that. Reciprocal expectations cannot be completely eliminated.
Sometimes, for example, I don’t “feel like” driving to pick up my son when he gets out of high school late afternoon (he can realistically walk but it can be long and as it gets darker outside earlier during Fall, which can present a possible safety issue for him to walk home alone). When my son has not been particularly thoughtful in handling some of his responsibilities (as teens will do given their development stage in life), I sometimes don’t want to do certain things for him that are nice but not essential. But I push myself to do so and honor the obligation. His expectation is that he can count on a parent to be concerned about his well-being enough to pick him up.
Imagine a world where everyone decided to only do what they felt like doing despite what active caring and responsiveness may be needed at a given time.
Imagine a world where people simply withhold because of laziness while expecting others to be there for them? Therein lies the problem — not everyone is at the same stage of development and consciousness, and not everyone is on a personal growth path that would equate them to being a Walking Buddha or Jesus. And yet many operate from places of entitlement that are clearly shown in attitudes and behaviors.
This read was wonderful and thought provoking. It’s made me reflect on my relationship of 4 years where I have always felt lesser than him. I am wondering if it was me expecting reciprocation or if I want to make myself believe that this relationship is a healthy one after 4 years of my invisibility in his eyes. How do you know the difference between the two?
You make it seem like the need to feel loved is an agenda… I think it’s a perfectly natural feeling and an obvious expectation in a relationship. That’s the definition of a relationship. Both people love and care for each other. It doesn’t help to get angry and demand it, sure, but you should kindly make your needs known and move on if they aren’t met. If not, you’re just a groupie or fan of that person. It’s okay if that’s all you want to be. I just don’t think it’s a relationship.
This was a great read, Audrey. Thank you! I found this very helpful to know that I’m not the only one who struggles, or has struggled, with finding self-love. Someone below commented that they find themselves loving from an insecure place and I too am aware that I stumble into this mindset also. Meditation helps me with this, as it’s taught me that I am no longer the same person as I’ve been in the past, and my past experiences do not shape who I am today. I need to let go of the past and the cause for my insecurities. I also need to take more time out for myself and figure out what motivates me and excites me, as you said inner contentment and satisfaction. Were there any specific tools that helped you the most during your search? I know you mentioned reading a lot and doing actives such as swimming and painting. What specifically helped you target and become more aware of your inner self? Thanks in advance!
Hi Audrey. This is a really good article and has helped me personally. My understanding of what you are saying is that love is not about ‘them’, it is about me. Do you think you can nurture one’s own ability to love?
Your article also makes me reflect on my work with teenagers at a school. In particular, my heart breaks for girls who get hurt in relationships I know are completely one sided. My honest belief is that the odds are really stacked against young women in a sexualised, take it or leave it culture that works more and more in the favour of blokes. There is so little motivation for young men to commit or mature. How do you teach love in young guys?
Hi. Two things that made me to comment. First, I did the same to a girl in my life, enjoy intimately but not true love and another girl I loved enjoyed the intimacy but never truly loved me.
Second, i just moved to Kelowna, B.C a week back and you are from Vancouver. I have no idea how I would felt if I read this a week back but the fact we live in BC made this feel close to my heart.
I don’t know you still live in Vancouver, coming Saturday I am driving to surrey and from there I am planing to go to Victoria. It would be great to stop by and say hi to you on the way.
Absolutely. This article makes it seem like if you feel ignored, left out, whatever else, it’s just because you don’t love yourself enough. That is unfair: humans are social creatures and we crave bonds, especially with those closest to us. Otherwise, everyone is a toy or party friend who can abandon you at any time, and you’re a selfish jerk if you’re upset about it! And truthfully, some people are just jerks.
I wonder if the author, Audrey, ever talked to the boyfriend about what she wished from him instead of having quiet resentment and then blaming herself for wanting her boyfriend to be more loving.
Hello, does anyone have an answer for this question? I am in this exact situation right now and would like a bit of help. Thanks.