“Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you.” ~John de Paola
After six months of being single after my divorce, I wanted to date again. I was still afraid of failure and rejection, but I wanted to try. I felt the best way to get over it was to dedicate my time to finding someone new.
I didn’t know where to begin, but I knew I had a clearer understanding of what I wanted in a relationship. I definitely knew what I didn’t want in a relationship. I thought if I could just find someone with the right qualities, happiness would follow.
I made a long list of qualities I desired in a man. I signed up on internet dating sites and asked friends to set me up on blind dates. I thought I could get what I wanted by playing the odds, like sending out 100 resumes for a job hoping one company would call back.
I felt I had learned from my past mistakes and was impatient to find true love. Six months later, after a string of bad dates, I was no closer to finding the love I desired and the whiff of desperation seeped from my pores.
I started to feel like maybe there really wasn’t anyone out there for me. So, I decided to stop chasing. I began to take care of myself. I decided to be the person I was looking for while at the same time, creating a way for the right man to find me.
I decided to remove all the clutter from my home and my mind. I threw out boxes and bags of clothes and objects that represented the old me. I wrote daily gratitude lists and stopped thinking about what I didn’t have.
I started going out to movies alone. I found new restaurants to try. I took long hikes in the woods.
Once I took my focus off finding the right person, I started to find myself. I could sit for hours on my back porch reading a novel. I would buy myself chocolates and flowers for Valentine’s Day.
Once I was providing for all of my own needs, I started to smile again. This wasn’t a race—it was my life. I intended to enjoy every moment of it, with or without someone by my side.
Around this time, I started to think about finding some new friends. I lost half of my friends during my divorce. I was looking for positive people to hang out with that would be interested in the same things I liked to do.
I started joining book clubs and meetup groups. I went to exercise classes and asked coworkers out for drinks. I started accepting invitations to parties.
Meanwhile, I still meditated. I still read on the porch and I stopped looking at internet dating sites. I just wanted to have a good time and find some friendly people my age.
I wasn’t having a lot of luck in the friend department, though. It seemed like I was in a strange age group. When I joined clubs, most of the members were either a decade older or younger than me.
I wondered why no one my age seemed to go out. I reasoned they must be busy with parenting and working a lot like most people in their thirties and forties. I just wasn’t finding people my age.
Then one day, sitting around the house doing absolutely nothing, I had an epiphany—I would start a group for people my age to meet and find friends!
At the second meeting of my group, my future husband walked in the door. I knew I would marry him the second I saw him. And yes, he has most of the qualities on that original list.
If you’re looking for love and feeling like time is running out, slow down. Breathe, go buy yourself some flowers, and stop trying so hard. Love comes to those who are at peace with who they are.
Here are some tips for cultivating love while you wait for it to find you:
1. If you build it, they will come.
If you can’t find what you’re looking for, create a way for it to find you. I created a meetup group for people my age so I could meet friends in a casual atmosphere.
2. Be the person you’re looking for.
The best way to find love is to love you. Spend time exercising, meditating, and cultivating your self-esteem. When the right person does show up, a calm confidence will be far more attractive than fear and anxiety.
3. Stop and smell the roses.
It’s not a marathon. You’re looking for the best person to show up, not the first person to show up. When’s the last time you found someone who seemed panicked attractive?
4. It’s okay to dine alone.
Many people are afraid to do “couple” things alone. Try going to a play by yourself. You can really have a good time just enjoying your own company.
Take action toward your dreams, but then step back and let those conditions manifest. Enjoy life and give yourself what you need instead of waiting for someone to give it to you. Meet each day with gratitude and joy in what you do have, and what you wish for will find its way to you.
Love image via Shutterstock
About Melissa McCaughan
Melissa McCaughan, the author of Legacy, is a literal ghost writer, choosing ghosts as the protagonists of her novels. She is currently working on a sequel, Epiphany, coming out later this year. She teaches an Adventure e-course called There’s No Place Like Home: Finding Adventure in Your Own Backyard and writes a blog called Carpe Diem. Follow her on Facebook.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I needed to read this. I’ve given up on love. All my friends are married, and I just have a list of failed relationships. Your post has made me pause and think that maybe I shouldn’t completely give up.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this post Melissa. I did giggle when you made reference to the guy with the “sex lair”, as I have met some of those.
It’s good practical advice that you have given, instead of chasing, seek within and create the life you want.
Being able to love yourself and be happy with yourself is so important. It is a folly to find all that in another because it can easily lead to disappointment and resentment.
I like the concept here, but I’m really uncomfortable with the fact that apparently we trans people are listed as deal breakers right up there with the guy who won’t let go of his ex wife.
Trans men are men just as much as cis men are.
” There was the Sex Lair guy, the transsexual, the divorced man who couldn’t let go of his ex-wife…”
It’s cool if you’re not into trans people, but the way that you say this implies that being trans is a fundamentally flawed way of being and trans people are undesirable to all healthy people. The world is unkind enough to trans people, it would be great if forums like tinybuddha would refrain from cooperating in that kind of hate.
I could have written most of this. I was just saying the same things to a friend the other day! When you stop looking and being desperate, and start enjoying “you”, love will come. And I’ve been thinking about starting a singles activity group. What kinds of things did you do together with your group?
Shevonne,
Hang in there. It’s usually the last key in the key ring that opens the door.
I completely agree. He was a wonderful guy. I didn’t at all mean that as a generalization. I was referring to specific relationships I had been in that didn’t work out for me personally. The post has been edited to remove the reference.
Absolutely true
I’m glad you enjoyed the post, Sophia.
We went hiking, went to movies, and had game nights. I met my husband at a dinner at local restaurant.
Thank you. I needed to hear this today. I am 31, have been single for six months after a 10-year relationship, and am constantly worried about being alone or missing out on the husband and kids gig. Every day, I feel like I am pushing, pushing, pushing to meet my future partner, and it’s exhausting. This is a nice reminder to stop and be kind to myself above all.
I certainly don’t believe that or I would not have knowingly entered into a two month relationship with the transsexual man (who was also a great guy who was very kind to me). It was simply a list of personal relationships that didn’t work for me personally. I did not mean it as a generalization and had the post edited so the reference is removed.
I’m glad you enjoyed the article.
Hi- when I read the article early this morning, there was a line describing her dates- ‘the Sex Lair, the Transsexual, guy who can’t let go of the ex.’ Why’d it get deleted? It was the funniest line!
The rest of the article is great but that line added some spice.
I did like the line though- it added some spice to the piece, as I wrote below. And… it’s not that trans people are ‘less than’ but it honestly can be a deal breaker to some, just like my being too tall and religious might be a deal breaker to some men
I didn’t read that line as hateful as all- but just like religion or income, transsexualism can be a dealbreaker for some. I believe in being sensitive to everyone but when it comes to the point where you have to censor creativity to suit people’s feelings… I’m uncomfortable with that
How did you advertise your group?
Being trans *is* a dealbreaker to some though! It can be a huge one, and I believe it is for many people. Doesn’t mean we hate you, it means you’re not doing it for us. It’s a non-negotiable dealbreaker for me, because I’ve gone through a divorce because of it and don’t want to welcome the same rollercoaster into my life again.
This sounds similar to what I have been going through. I sometimes feel that I am in the wrong environment to meet someone interesting. I have been single for 3 years! And I have to say I am tired of it. I am happy being on my own however, I would like to meet someone interesting, someone that I resonate with, someone who likes to have fun. I haven’t really been looking that much, I just want to change my environment, because I think that the environment that I am currently in, there aren’t many interesting people, especially men who are confident. But I do feel lonely sometimes.
I didn’t see the original wording of the post, but Melissa, please re-read that line about the bad dates, while mentally replacing the word “transexual” with “asian”, “black”, “Jew(ish)”, etc. If the resulting sentence feels racist or anti-semitic to you, I hope you will consider that feeling to be an indicator that you need to rethink your position. (It’s ok to not want to date trans guys, but not ok to date a nice trans guy for two months and then blithely use his transness as a punchline. Granted, most of the world sees no problem with saying ” transexual” to get laughs, but…)
I can relate to Shevonne and Talya. I am 40 and single for 3 yrs now. I used to want kids but decided to give up on that being my age and no mate. I still believe in Love for myself but wonder sometimes when. All good friends are either married w kids or divorced w kids. It is hard at times not having that interaction regularly with girlfriends even female cousins. I just learned to accept it and just live my life. But I do feel like the odd woman out. Nice to know I am not alone.:-)
What do you do when people pressure you to find someone? They question why you’re single or say you’re not trying hard enough. This pressure thwarts the idea of “stop looking for love.” I stopped being friends with a couple that called me a lesbian, because I wasn’t “eagerly looking” and babbling about men. I try to explain to others that desperation can turn people off, but these people don’t get it.
We grow up in a ‘fairy tale’ fantasy life of what, and who we should be with. That we are incomplete without a “partner”. It’s taken a while, but I’ve finally got to the point where I feel OK not having a boyfriend and a husband, and am fulfilling my life with other things! You go girls!
I am 53 years old and separated just over two years ago. I will not wait for life to happen and always look for things that make “me” happy. I believe there is a right time for everyone and we should never put our life on hold waiting to start living until this time.
Live every day and connect with people as much as possible. We are all blessed at whatever age we’re are.
My friends and family also chose to no longer deal with me since separating, but this made me realize that they weren’t the right people to have around to help me re-build my life.
If we are happy on the inside it shows on the outside and I believe this is what we have to offer as a person,our happiness and love.
Failure for me is when one gives up and that’s never going to be me!
Thanks for sharing Melissa.
I appreciate the overall message of this post – live the life that you want to live, now. But I bristle a bit at the “love comes to those at peace with who they are” message. If you mean that love for yourself comes to those at peace with who they are, then I totally agree. But if you mean sexual/romantic love from another person, it’s eerily close to “love comes when you least expect it” message, which I hate. I’ve expected love. I have not expected love. It never comes. But again, your perhaps larger point – live a full life FOR YOURSELF NOW – is spot on!
Awesome. I do need to start working on being at peace with myself. Thank you!
I’ve been divorced now for eleven years. I was divorced also sixteen years ago. I’ve stopped dating about six years ago. The last heart break just hurt so bad that I gave up for a while.
Then two years ago I met someone that started to click for both of us. And then it happened. I had a swelling under my arm. I figured it was an infection so I went to my doctor. Soon I had others and was referred to an oncologist. To make the whole ordeal short, I have cancer and I’m at stage four. It’s incurable. The good news is that it is a slow growing one, can be treated, and I will most likely die of old age long before the cancer.
Well, cancer was the deal breaker. I gave up. I have been an introverted person, a geek if you will all my life. I don’t go to clubs, bars, and other places where singles hang out. It simply isn’t for me.
Now I’m kind of guarded I guess. I am afraid to let anyone get close as I am tired of being hurt and yet I miss companionship. But my life is full, for an introverted person anyway. I do have family and friends and we have a weekly LAN party on Sundays, I play the guitar, program computers, study, tinker, and am building a project in what used to be my entertainment room.
So I do miss simply holding someone at night when we sleep. I miss holding hands. I miss blushing (yes, I do) in a mall because she whispers something for my ears only. I miss writing poetry and love songs for that one. I miss the tenderness of love.
My life is full and empty at the same time. I enjoy life to it’s fullest. I’m in remission and it will be many years before the cancer resurfaces and then I’ll just go through treatment again, which is mild. You can’t tell by looking at me that I am on treatment. I have a head full of hair, no nausea, etc.
I’m running late for work. I should have been in the shower twenty minutes ago! LOL!!!
Anyway, she’s out there somewhere and we’ll find each other. Take care everyone.
I understand how you feel. You sound like a great person. I wish the best for you.
I LOVE the “way” you “phrased or put” that !!! Thanks for the much needed encouragement!!!
Wonderful message, thank you for sharing your insight and advice! 🙂 This is KEY for sure, great reminder! 🙂
Couldn’t agree more – take care of your own garden and the butterflies will naturally come on their own 🙂 best wishes Melissa! 🙂
Me too 🙂
Even though the people in my life don’t understand me being okay about it; i have felt relieved ever since…
Good luck and all the best! : )
Thank you. 🙂
Thank you, Melissa. I appreciate you starting this post. It gave myself and others a place to inspire and to be inspired.
Randal you are not alone! I to have had a rough time in dealing with love! My wife said she is not sure she is in love with me and has the hots for a 39 year old bar tender. I am heartbroken and now she is going to stay at a ladies house near him for 4 nights and told me she just needs space from me. I will say a prayer for you and by the way my wife and I have been together 23 years and she is 58 years old. Why would she do this to me? I have always been honest and caring and never cheated on her! I will say a prayer for you take care and stay in touch. dondressel@yahoo.com
My wife left me for a 20 something guy she met at a bar with some of her girl friends. She introduced my kids (her step-children at the time) to this guy and then went behind “the pool” and had intercourse. I heard that it didn’t last.
I’ve been apprehensive about marriage again although there was one woman I had started seeing several years ago. She died of an aneurism in her sleep. I was crushed for many months.
I came close once more but couldn’t go through with it. Something just didn’t feel right and I couldn’t marry her. It’s that gut feeling that you know something is a mistake. It’s the only time I have ever backed away and something inside with the past two wives had told me the same thing and I wish I had listened to that feeling.
I need to get ready for work but wanted to thank you for your response.
A very good read,thanks for this Melissa.
`You must love yourself first before anyone else will completely love you. Most of us take years to learn this, others never do. This is a real positive article.
If my marriage does not work out I think I will stay single and maybe date a little. We will have to sell our house and divide our 4 dogs. My wife said there is no other man and that this is just a fantasy with the bartender. She will not let me near her cell phone and to me that is a red flag! She told me today she is just tired of everything. I told her she is draining me of every bit of love I have for her! I told her go have your fling because she told me she fantasizes of having sex with younger guys. She wants a temporary separation and I told her no that would be it no going back! I am 57 in great shape and work out everyday weightlifting and total gym work outs! Going to buy an old vette or new one if we split! I am a car guy and drive a 2012 challenger SRT8. Great car and very fast! Take care and please stay in touch!
Never give up! There are a lot of great guys out there looking for a great girl! How old are you? I am 57 but not a old pervert looking for young girls! I get so turned off by guys like that. I have friends that are girls in their 30’s and even 20’s because I love talking to girls and giving them advice on guys. Take care Don
My wife at the time asked for the same thing and I told her, “Once you walk out the door it’s final.”
You’ll have the ladies lined up around you in no time. Take it slow and enjoy. It isn’t easy at first but as time goes along new grass supplants the old. I like that. I think I’ll write that down for the future.
Stay in touch as well, Don.
Thanks for staying in touch with what I am going through It means a lot! I think my wife is in the middle of buying a home in sacramento area as she has been doing a lot of financial things behind my back. She has been making comments about me buying her out on the house or selling it. I found real estate paperwork on listings in elk grove. Thanks for the reply I like the ladies lined up comment! Yes from what I hear women in their 40’s and 50’s have a hard time meeting a decent guy! Take care
This may be a stupid question but do women have the same issues when going through a separation or divorce as men? I love honesty but my wife is not being honest with me on what is going on with her finances. I think she is buying a home on her own without telling me and plans on laying a bomb on me when she gets back from Arizona in late september. I have always been faithful and honest with her why isn’t she with me?
Hi Don! I find it truly amazing you asked me this question, since I myself am going through a separating toward divorce (and didn’t make that reference here..the universe is truly impressive! Smile). I am sorry for your experience/loss. I am assuming you were the one that did not choose this path? In my situation, I am the one that made the decision, which means being on this side I am ready to move forward and start my next chapter. I also have made decisions and continued milestones to move forward toward my next chapter. I know that I tend to try to keep
certain things from him to not “rub salt in his wound”. As a protection to
him, but seems when I do make decisions to continue the process (we are
living together still due to finances), he feels like a bomb is dropped on
him each time. Damned if I do, Damned if I don’t kind of situation.
There is no perfect way to handle it. If I was on the receiving end, that wld be a different story I am sure. Dealing with both sides of the coin trying to lick wounds, or be true to oneself, and yet feel understanding and compassion for the other person because people are experiencing it differently, and are in different places in the process. I think that you being honest and faithful is truly admirable, and you need to be proud of yourself for staying true to your values! It is truly difficult to feel on the “outside” of someone else’s decisions, and to feel a lack of control and uncertainty is very unsettling. :-/ I am not sure if you two are still friends/amicable, or not. That will make a huge difference too. Let me ask you, have you asked yourself questions like “Where is this worry and fear coming from?”, “Why am I not wanting her to buy a house?”, “Why am I concerned about her finances?”, etc…to get closer to understanding where the fear is coming from, and guide yourself to let go of what she is doing; therefore, focusing on how you are moving forward and dealing with this change.
This question may have been meant for the author to answer, so I hope you don’t mind me taking the liberty to respond to your situation. I know I don’t know the full dynamics of your relationship, so if there is anything you want to clarify or talk further about, please feel free 🙂 Hugs to you, I know this time is truly difficult!!! 🙁 You will be okay, and even grow, and see the purpose of it all at some point. It takes a lot of self exploring, self truth, and vulnerability! Take care, hope to talk again. 🙂
Thank you so much for your response! I love to hear about a woman’s perspective on divorce or separation issues. My wife started up on this financial dealings where she is depositing money in to her account and then pulling out withdrawls from Raley’s and wal-mart and I believe it is from her account but what I cant figure out is hoe she can take this much from her accounts in the amount of 1320.00 and 1270.00 dollars sometimes on the same day and then she has been to UPS twice. The deposit amount was around 11,820.00 dollars and the total of the deposits have added with the two charges at UPS to the exact amount of the deposit in her account. There has also been cash advances on her credit cards in the amount of 13,000.00 dollars and she also has been in touch with financial institutions of springleaf and in touch with lifespring and other financial institutions. She will not tell me anything that is going on and I already have been in touch with an attorney to protect myself financially. She has no financial know how whatever and I own rental property and have invested with the stock market in the past. I feel she is being taken advantage of and she has told me there is an attorney involved but I told her that does not mean shit! We have been fighting like cats and dogs and I feel like I do not even know her! I told her husband and wives do not keep things of this nature from each other! I hope to find out the truth in the near future and have backed off from the whole situation. I t hurts me that she would hide this from me! I hope your situation is doing better than mine. When I take my muscle car for a ride it relaxes me! I have a neighbor who is a 30 year old woman as a friend is going through the same thing. Keep in touch nice to hear from you! Take care Don
Hi Don, I am so glad you have support in a neighbor! It sounds like you have spoken your concern to her, and not it is up to her to handle her lessons to learn right!? Sounds fishy, possible scam situation to me too. I am sorry she is showing you another side from who you thought she was. That is probably the hardest part to deal with. :-/ If you are set with separate finances, and legal support, it sounds like what she is up to will not affect you in the future, that is good! 🙂 It is extremely difficult to let go I know. I wish you much luck on finding your way to detach from her, so you can move forward in your life and be open to new experiences, opportunities, and better relationships. Take care! 🙂
Michelle Spence
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” -Mahatma Gandhi
“Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.” ~Kahlil Gibran
“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
Amazing post!
Oh my goodness, I could have written this one. At 34 I found myself divorced. It’s really hard to make new friends when you’re 34 and in a city where you know almost nobody. My entire life felt like it had unraveled. I suddenly found myself broke, not knowing how to cook, desperate, etc.
Thing is, part of my desperation was this: I want to have a kid, and my ex did not- it’s been really hard not to rush the process when I feel like I might miss out on that experience (I actually do have a boyfriend now, but I don’t want to rush things there.) I know that, as my hairdresser said “I gotta do me”, but what does that mean on a daily basis?