“When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Viktor Frankl
“But no. We can give it another chance; I know we can. We just have to try harder…” were my desperate words to him as he was breaking up with me for the second time.
As I am reading those words out loud, I feel a little sting in my heart. It’s been a while since I revisited this experience and for some reason, it feels bittersweet.
It’s been about nine months since he told me that he didn’t see a future for us, that he felt like he was pretending when he was with me, and that sometimes he just didn’t want to be around me.
But I didn’t hear those words. I heard it, but I thought knew that I could change his mind if I just tried a little harder to convince him that he did want to be with me; he just didn’t know it yet.
I felt beaten when he firmly said no. I was even more devastated after suggesting that we remain friends when he again said that he didn’t think it would be a good idea, since he didn’t think I could handle it.
That’s when I knew it was over and I knew that there was no way in this lifetime that I could change his mind.
A flood of thoughts and emotions ran across my mind and body:
What could I have done that was so horrible that he couldn’t even stand the sight of me anymore? How could I have missed the warning signs during the last three months that we were together? If he wasn’t happy, why didn’t he just say so?
There were countless questions that just would not stop.
I finally realized he’d been telling me all along that he didn’t want to be with me. His actions spoke loud and clear, but I was so involved in trying to change the situation that I didn’t see the reality. And that reality was: He just did not want to be with me.
Ouch.
Unfortunately, this wasn’t the first relationship that I allowed myself to get lost in. So how in the world did this happen to me? Again?
The idea of being in love happened. That’s what.
I wanted that romance, that fairytale. I wanted to finally know what it was like to be in real. Grown up love and not kiddie, high school love. I wanted all of that.
I was so tired of always being the bridesmaid and never the bride. I was starting to feel like maybe it just wasn’t in the cards for me.
And that scared me.
When I finally woke up from this, I started to ask myself, “Who the hell are you, and why did you allow yourself to go through that?”
I used to think I was this strong, independent woman who knew exactly what she wanted in life and wouldn’t tolerate any BS from anyone.
I was always so proud to list all hundred qualities that my future husband would definitely have, and I told every one that I was never, ever going to settle. I was all talk but never walked the walk.
After much soul searching, I finally had the courage to put my foot down and say enough is enough. That was when the real challenge began.
Who am I again? I don’t even know anymore…
I had to find a quiet spot and re-evaluate me.
I figured out that I’m one person with friends and family but the complete opposite when I’m in a relationship. I try a lot harder to please; I’m less outspoken, less confident, and less of myself. I was scared to let the real me out in fear that maybe they wouldn’t like me.
I was too scared to say no to something that I knew I was against.
I felt like I had to create this façade of someone that was fun, loving, and patient, and what I thought was “perfect” in someone else’s eyes. Not saying that I’m not fun or loving or patient; I just tried too hard to be seen that way.
Far enough that I even agreed to hang out with his ex, who he was good friends with, if that’s what he wanted.
Don’t get me wrong, many people are still friendly with their exes and their current significant other is fine with it, but I was never fine with their relationship.
They had a history—friends before dating, four years as a couple, and three years living together. I knew about this from the beginning of our relationship and I was absolutely fine with it.
In my mind, I thought they broke up on good terms and talked to each other occasionally. I didn’t know about the late night phone calls, meeting each other for dinner, going to the vet together when “their” dog had appointments, and the fact that she still had a key to “their” condo.
He made an effort in the beginning and assured me that they were just friends and that I didn’t have anything to worry about, and of course I made myself be okay with it.
I made myself okay with anything if it meant that it would make me the person he always wanted to be with.
What I didn’t realize was that it was slowly killing my spirit.
She always came up in conversation, not because I brought her up, but because he wanted to share his past. I put on a brave face and would listen and laugh at some of the stories, but it made me feel like I had to live up to what they had.
And what I had just wasn’t good enough.
I’ve come a long way from where I was nine months ago. I’m admitting that I have made huge relationship mistakes, but my biggest mistake wasn’t that I tried too hard or that I would’ve given anything for my relationship.
My mistake was not being true to myself—not standing up for myself, not keeping true to my morals, and not loving myself enough to just say no when I wanted to.
I’ve discovered that I am not flawless and that it’s okay to not be perfect. But most importantly, I’ve learned that it’s okay to love yourself first, and if you have to lower your standards to get the love that you think you want from someone else, then it’s not worth it.
These challenges haven’t been easy but if it’s challenging me to define my true self then why not jump feet first and go all in? I have made a promise to myself that I will love myself first and not be in love with the idea of love.
Sometimes letting go of someone or something is the best thing that you can do for your soul. Write the last chapter and tuck it away. It’s time to start a brand new book.
Photo by Chrismatos
About Annie Oudom
Annie Oudom is a 20 something living outside of DC. She spends her days working for a nonprofit in Juvenile Justice and her fun time conspiring new inspirational ideas for her blog, Project 26 and Counting. The rest of her time is spent event planning, hanging out with loved ones, and as being a foodie.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I was once in love with the idea of being in love. It took me far longer to figure it out then it should have, and in the process I managed to bring 3 children into this world who suffered the aftermath of those decisions. Luckily my children are doing well but I will always have to live with the fact that I chose their father and he turned out out not be a father at all….
When we love ourselves Annie, true love, we are able to best love others.
Need to do the inner work, to respect, accept and love ourselves, then we can radiate that love outwards and allow good matches to flow into our lives.
Great post!
Ryan
A lovely post Annie. I think it’s a struggle for everyone in relationships – balancing compromise with being true to oneself and not loosing yourself in trying to make it work. I’ve also come to realize that independence is key in all relationships, having your own life and boundaries. Being independent in every way maintains that respect in a relationship. That realization that you are happy whether you are in love or not.
I like the title of your post. I know this has happened to many people (and me). Not to switch the subject too much, but it isn’t a good sign when your man likes to keep exes hanging around. And when he said that he didn’t think that “you” could handle being friends with him… He could be what they call a narcissist. There are other people in this world that can practically kill your spirit and then we have to go through all the hard work of figuring out what is wrong with us and making changes. Ironically, the ones who put us down usually seem to go on just fine. As Buddha said, life is suffering.
Great post sweetie! Don’t give up, love will come.
I’ve been there, so many times… Finally, after years of inner work (and a few more failed relationships) I found myself (again) in a story with someone who clearly didn’t wamt to be with me. When I was struggling between trying to run away from that unhealthy relationship and, the hope that he “would change his mind” I met someone else. That someone else asked me out and, of course I didn’t want to, I didn’t like him, he was “too common, too normal”. I wanted the other one, the “dreamed one”, the “special, exotic one”. I was sure that it was just a matter of time when this guy would realise that he really wanted a relationship with me… One day, thinking about it, suddenly I thought: “what if this new guy is a GREAT guy, someone who could bring grown love to my life, and I miss the opportunity becase I want to wait for the guy I like, to change?”. So, I decided to give this new guy (actually to give MYSELF) an opportunity and I went on a date with him. And, I am so happy I listened that wisdom, as that new guy now is my husband 😀
Never ignored that inner voice! Inside of our heart we know when someone doesn’t really love us; the thing it’s hard to accep it 😉
Wonderfully written – you are lucky to be discovering this at such a young age. I’m 41 and just figuring it out!
Your story sounds so much like mine! It’s uncanny! Right down to the “ex” that wasn’t really an “ex,” but I knew that too 🙁 I gave so much and gained so little. It’s only been about 6 weeks for me since the breakup, but it’s good to know, and I already have faith that, there’s “life” down the road.
Thanks for sharing.
You are very wise. You hit the 3-R’s. Rejection, Reality, and Reflection.
Society puts too much emphasis on relationships. Relationships are good, but the best relationship you can have is with yourself.
I went through the same thing with my ex. I have to say when he put me in the back seat of a taxi with nothing but my luggage, that was the best thing he could have done for me and himself. I needed to be on my own and sort myself out. Now I am a lot happier and ready to take on the next challenge in my life. And i know if I was still with him I could not do it.
There is nothing wrong with discovering this at your age. It was time for you to discover this.
Very Nice Article.. im going through the same situation right now.. and the most valuable thing is to be aware of the fact that letting go from people who are toxic to us is the most corageous thing we can do.. its hard.. but i have faith that time will prove it.. youll be able to see the change in you.. cause thats what its all about… the day you look back and laugh at this situation and be proud.. ” I was so smart to walk out from that, it was only bringing suffering to my life.. and whats most important.. turning out my inner shine”… Love yourself and youll shine again.. that what im trying to do.. step by step.. your love for yourself will grow more and more.. and love will come to your door once you learn to love yourself… good luck.. be strong and have faith in you!!!
Annie, your story is so similar to my own struggles with my past relationships and my journey to becoming a stronger woman today. I applaud you for recognizing your hardships and weaknesses and having the courage and strength to act upon them. It’s an incredibly difficult journey sometimes to go from feeling that things happen TO us to realizing we sometimes ALLOW the to happen. But once we make that connection, it’s incredibly liberating because we take back the power to control our happiness and journey. Thanks for sharing!
I’m absolutely blown away. This exact situation happened to me last night. I said the wrong thing to my boyfriend, and chased him around a busy city begging him to just stop and talk to me, all the way back to his home, where he finally took me back…for the second time. What really gets me is the part about writing the last chapter. I used that analogy when I wrote a letter to him the first time, telling him why he should take me back and how the next chapter of our book would be different and great (which it had been, up until I made a “mistake” last night). I feel like this article couldn’t be more tailored to me. I’m still so scared to let him go though. I don’t know how I’ll find the strength. And honestly, I know I don’t want to.
Thanks, Luna! and thank you for sharing your story 🙂 I agree, always
listen to your inner voice- it never fails! Although it is hard to
accept it if it’s not something you want to hear 🙂
It’s never too late! I have faith that you’ll figure it out when the time is right 🙂
Hi Marie, you said it perfectly, “balancing compromise with being true to oneself and not loosing yourself in trying to make it work,” it’s a hard one but it definitely becomes easier when you’re comfortable with who you are. and yes, I highly agree that independence is the key! Thanks so much for taking the time to comment on my post 🙂
Thanks, Ryan! Loving yourself is truly the key to all happiness!
But as long as your kids are well, Angel, and YOU are doing well that’s all that matters 🙂
Hi August, thank you for the kind words. Yes, this was a huge learning experience for me and I’m moving along from it quite well. I do tend to look back and think it was actually a blessing in disguise because I had to have something hit me hard to realize I couldn’t be that person anymore 🙂
I agree 100%, the best relationship you can have is with yourself! I also look back and realize that if I were still with him I’d be stuck in trying to make the relationship work and not focusing on my dreams and passions. Funny how life works!
thank you!
Hi Jay, there definitely is life down the road, and it will be a much, much better life too! keep your head up!
Hi Sam, I was scared too but I had to do it. It’s hard not knowing that they won’t be a part of your life the way you want them to but you have to remember that someone will want to be with you and ALL of you. And that person will not need you to chase them because they’ll be there to work things out because they’ll WANT to. Good luck and best wishes to you!
Hi Tina, thanks so much for your kind words 🙂
yes, I definitely feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders! and you’re right, a lot of the times we let things happen to us even if we want to take the blame out on someone else. Ultimately we are the ones that can control our feelings 🙂
Hey Annie. That couldn’t have been easy. I’ve certainly been there as I’m sure a lot of others have.
Letting go of people, objects and situations is so difficult. Interestingly when I look back on my life I think that I had more breakthroughs in defining who I am when I have let things go as opposed to defining myself by my associations, relationships or possessions.
I find that being true to myself is an ongoing process that will probably stretch beyond my grave. Mindfulness practice helps immensely.
All the best to you. I hope you find contentment in each moment regardless of what it brings.
Beautiful post. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for this post! A simple, yet important lesson that we all need to constantly remind ourselves: to thine own self be true. Thank you!!
Exactly 🙂 <3 <3 <3
ah, such a common story…I’m guessing because it sounds so similar to mine! Thanks for sharing, and don’t give up. The journey to love yourself is an important one, maybe the most important one! so i wish you well and i recommend you dance your way through it to the new katy perry album. lots of inspiring lyrics on that one (cheesy yes, but fun).
Thank you so much for sharing Annie. I really felt like I was reading my own story as I was reading yours. I had a very similar experience with a guy I was dating last year. He was still very close with ex and I became a completely different person when we started dating because I wanted to be the “perfect” fun loving girl that didn’t mind that he only called when he wanted to, went out all the time (without me) and that I was the one putting in all the effort. I didn’t want him to get scared off so I kept my feelings bottled up and didn’t stand up for myself. I was so stressed I almost completely stopped eating. It was really bad. I ended up telling him it wasn’t going to work out and he went back to his ex 2 days later but it was so great to read someone else’s experience on this. Here’s to loving ourselves first!
Wow! I feel like you wrote this about my life, down to the relationship with his ex and the words he said during the breakup. I absolutely love your message! I’m still working to get to that place but reading this was just what I needed! Thank you!
SO TRUE…well said thank you
That is awesome, I am truly happy that you went through that shift! Thank you for sharing your experience, so many people are in the same boat, and this is truly inspiring! 🙂
Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing Annie.
I was meant to read this now. It was what I needed to hear.
I am struggling over a very broken relationship that i have been in for 14 years. I left him inc May, went back to him in July. In September he told me he had a relationship with a woman during our time apart, and she is now pregnant.
We have heen fighting ever since, and he says if I can’t handle it, then I should walk away. He. wants me to be a part of the baby’s life. I have been fighting to make him all mine and reading this has made me know what a fool Ihave been. He is continuing the relationship with the child’s mother. I have trouble being alone, as before hm, I was in a long term abusive marriage, and suffer from PTSD. But this is not healthy and your post has given me courage. I am leaving him for good this time. Thank you.
this post absolutely rang true to me because i have gone through hell with a man who is living with his gf for the past year and had he had serious feelings for me. said he liked me so much, he had fallen for me…she broke up with him and he said he would move out. when i asked him about it recently as their lease was up soon, he changed his mind. i confronted him and said to fess up to her and be honest with what we were doing. it also makes it more complicated that we work together. anyway, he said he wanted to be happy and thought happiness was with her. it completely broke my heart. he also is going through a recent diagnosis of bipolar. he then couldnt even admit he liked me after i wanted him to confront the truth. i realized his mood swings were too much. it hurts so bad because i thought we were best friends. i need a mental and emotional break.
Annie,
I just recently got out of my second relationship following this pattern. To this day, I’m still thinking “What if I do this…What if we do this…Then we’ll be happy” When I know how destructive it will be if we actually do that. Reading this article was a lovely reminder that I am not alone. I am not broken or defective in having this thought process, and that in fact it’s something a lot of people come to realize on their own terms. I am now on the journey to loving myself first and then searching for someone second. I’ve never set clear standards or boundaries for myself, so it isn’t a wonder as to why they all disappeared when I was uncomfortable. I was in this same place several years ago, but I never gave myself the option to do actually explore who I am and love myself for it. Sometimes I kick myself for not doing it then and thinking “Look at how great I would be now!” But then I realize, I wasn’t mature enough to actually do it back then. Now I’m in a point in my life where I can openly recognize what I need and not confuse it with what I need from a relationship.
Thank you for this wonderful article.
Laura
I actually cannot believe how much I can relate to your story. I’ve been through so many relationships doing exactly what you did *trying to be perfect*. In love with the idea of being in love, forgetting who I am and what I really want for myself.
I am in a new relationship for a few weeks now – being myself for the first time in my entire life – and till now it seems to be the best decision of my life. Don’t give up, love will come – probably when you least exspect it…
It struck me when I read the second bolded paragraph of your post. My ex said almost the same thing, He broke up with me a day before my flight (I am studying abroad) but I was in denial and thought that I can change his mind. So when I arrived at my university, we contacted each other for a few months like nothing happened until he made it clear again to me. I was very heart broken at that time because I always thought that we were still together when we were not. I felt so dumb.
When I came back home two years after and wanted to meet him since he is among my circle of friends but something came up so it was cancelled. I was very sad, as though it was my second heart break, When he asked me “What is our relationship?”, he made me think that he still had some feelings for me. He called me that night, saying he can’t see our future and hoped that I can find someone better. The next year, I went back home again and he wanted to see me. I realized that I still have lingering feeling for him but now I understand that the reason why we both keep coming back to each other is probably because we both are in love with being in love (thanks to my friend, who said so). Another reason why I still can’t completely get over him after 4 years is because I think both of us did not break up because we didn’t like each other anymore, but it’s because we are off different religions. Anyway, great post! <3
Wow… This I can relate with so much its scary
hits close to home – almost every bit. thank you for writing, will keep this under my favorites. 🙂
Wishing you all the best, Kainka!
Cheers to that, Jackie! Wishing you all the best 🙂
Thanks, Laura for reading it 🙂 Here’s to continuing to learn and grow from relationships!
Love it 🙂 Taylor Swift is a favorite of mine along with Katy Perry!
Thanks, Ash for the kind words and helpful insights 🙂
Wishing you all the best, Alice 🙂
Thank you! You definitely learn to move past it and grow as a person once you realize certain things. All the best to you and your new relationship 🙂
You will move forward from it, I promise.
Thank you for the kind words!