“We must be willing to let go of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” ~Joseph Campbell
On top of the world at twenty-two.
That’s how I felt. I was twenty-two years old and in love for the first time. I couldn’t believe it.
I had come out of a lonely childhood and was beginning to find confidence as a young adult. I landed a secure job, bought my first car, and experienced a freedom I never felt before. Then this beautiful girl came along and took me to another level.
Little did I realize that just around the corner lay the numbness of loss, the feeling of helplessness, and sleepless nights as something magical just slipped away.
Love Found
When we met, we hit it off straight away. She was kind, sincere, and very attractive. We laughed at the same things, and as we grew closer, stronger feelings soon developed.
Falling in love was exciting. We had great times and lots of laughs. It’s hard to describe, but we clicked immediately. After about six months, I plucked up the courage and proposed. She said yes, and suddenly marriage was on the horizon.
Wow!
I spent all my savings on a ring, and we made plans for the future. People’s generosity overwhelmed us as we were adorned with engagement presents.
But as we organized the wedding, hints at secrets began to emerge. With little warning, plans crumbled. I spent night after night driving around in my car wondering what to do and how to cope.
Why did it go wrong?
It’s said that when you meet the “right person,” you’ll know. And we did … just know, or so we thought.
Love Lost
The catalyst turned out to be a friend of my fiancé. When the friend came from England on a visit, the tone of our relationship changed. I discovered that a marital affair had occurred between my fiancé and her friend’s husband long before I came on the scene.
Rather than lose her husband, my fiancé’s friend, with no knowledge of me, had come over to see if they could agree on an arrangement to live with the same man!
Now, I’m not old fashioned, but I was shocked. The offer didn’t attract my fiancé either, but it did change the atmosphere. For some reason I’ll never understand, my fiancé seemed to change. She became colder, and I obviously wondered if she still had feelings for this other man. We tried a few times to keep the relationship going, but it didn’t work.
It was a dark time of bitter recriminations and rumors.
Love Heals
Today I realize that the experience strengthened me. After a difficult eighteen months, I started developing a more positive sense that happier times could be ahead and that the future, the undiscovered country, could still hold excitement and happiness. We all have a choice to hold onto that belief or dwell in the past.
Love can cause pain, but it can heal pain too.
What we let it do is up to us. The following steps helped me through this painful period.
Surviving and Seizing The Future
1. Stay friendly, but give friendship time.
A split often results in one person hurting more than the other. Emotions are strong, and you’re feeling fragile, so it’s vital to avoid angry confrontations. Don’t try to convert the relationship into something else overnight. I tried a few times to rekindle a friendship with no success. It was obvious we needed to give each other space.
2. Don’t hide from favorite haunts.
As a couple, you probably frequented some places, and you’re avoiding those now to avoid the memories. Avoiding favorite places only creates conscious reminders and heightens the sense of loss.
Although difficult at the start, if you enjoyed particular cafes, cinemas, or beaches, don’t avoid them. Enjoy them, and create new memories. Although hard in the beginning, I continued to enjoy walking at a nearby lake, and eventually the reminiscing stopped.
3. Enjoy being a solo artist.
Separation can make you aware of how much you’re looking for happiness in other people. Take some time without a serious relationship and you’ll find yourself becoming more able to enjoy your own company.
As your self-confidence grows, your reliance on having a partner to enjoy good times diminishes. I enjoyed being single for over a year afterward, and this helped me in my recovery. It was better to let life unfold.
4. Keep the memories secure.
I regret destroying photographs from the time. Things happened, and burning pictures doesn’t change that. Store the photos away but somewhere safe (perhaps easier in the digital age—mind you they’re also easier to delete). When the time is right, go ahead and look because these were important times in your life, and you’ll want to revisit them sometime.
5. Let nature work.
As time passes, the hurt subsides naturally. You don’t need to do anything. No effort. No timetable. Just let nature take its course, and be sure in the knowledge that you will recover. Cry when you need too. (Yes, even if you’re a man!)
6. Keep an honest perspective.
It sounds like a harsh reality check, but if a relationship is not right for you, it’s not right for the other person, or vice versa. This realization will help you to come to terms with the situation and help you think about how the other person feels. Putting my fiancé first helped me realize she no longer wanted us to continue, and I came to terms with that.
7. Accept judgment.
People might judge you as you come out of a relationship. Don’t let people taking sides trouble you, and don’t feel you have to correct what they think. There will always be people who judge, but judgments only hurt us if we judge ourselves in response.
Instead of dwelling on what other people think, focus on finding peace within yourself and you will become stronger and more positive as a result.
8. Forgive and forget.
Never hold grudges or judge your ex-partner harshly if they were at fault. Nobody makes perfect decisions. It will be easier to forgive if you try to empathize with their situation.
My ex-fiancé came from a broken home, missing her father during her teen years. Perhaps she looked to others for love which led her to relationships that ultimately weren’t right for her. Most importantly though, when it comes to forgiving, start with yourself. Beating myself up only slowed down my recovery. It was only when I began showing compassion for myself that I could fully heal.
9. Look Into the future.
Think of all the possibilities that still await—new steps in your career, and new friends and experiences in life to enjoy. You often hear advice about focusing on the present moment. This is good advice, but during a relationship break-up, know that the present moment will pass. We both moved on and made a fresh start.
Love Now
The above was a rollercoaster ride with emotions on a high and then an all-time low. You can continually cross-examine yourself and feel emotionally drained. Could I have handled things better? Was there another way?
Four years after my story, I met a truly wonderful person. My wife and soul mate. It put everything into perspective, and after eighteen happy years, we’re still madly in love.
As for my ex-fiancé, all I know is she is married with children and I hope very happy. You see, the end of one relationship might just mean moving closer to the beginning of a new one, and the right one. You never know when love strikes, so if you have lost recently, don’t give up, believe in yourself, and take each day one at a time.
Your soul mate is out there looking for you right now.
Broken heart image via Shutterstock
About Alan Marsden
Alan Marsden writes authentic advice to help you grow in confidence, health, and happiness. Join Alan on the journey at sayitwiththelighton.blog.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Thank you for this!! I just ended an engagement as well with my fiancé and I still miss him at night and fear I may not find someone else but I am trying to stay focused on the possibilities of singlehood.
Thank you, Alan. I’m going through almost the same situation. 22, was in love for the first time in my life. But everything came crashing down quickly because of differences in values and perhaps maturity levels.
The pain does come back and it is almost paralysing but I think I’ve made progress in learning how to deal with it.
The end of this relationship did teach me alot about myself. Things that I’ve known but always dismissed it thinking I could just will it away.
I cannot say that I’ve moved to the stage of forgiving him for what he did. I have however accepted my part in how our relationship was and how it ran it’s course.
Tough but life goes on huh. To better days ahead for all us!
No
Hi Steph. I think loving someone, and then for it not to work out, is one of the biggest events that can happen in life. It can affect us for years. My toughest time lasted 18 months or so, but if truth be told, it took virtually over three years to really move on. The pain will come back from time to time until full healing occurs.
The steps in the post developed over time too and forgiveness is perhaps one of the more difficult, depending on the circumstances.
I’m glad to hear you’ve made progress. Be assured you will continue to do so and you will also reach those better days.
Hello Sarah. I’m sure it was a tough decision but please don’t fear the future. Just let your life unfold and enjoy being yourself. I think people who are content being single are those most likely to find a partner.
I too feared not finding someone else. I really thought I blew it. But I did find someone. Not immediately, it just happened.
I hope things get easier for you soon.
Alan. You’re truly awesome. Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience about love. No matter how much heart ache and pain that person put you through, you can ALWAYS love again.
My first and real relationship happened when I was 22-years-old. I knew exactly what I wanted from my ex-boyfriend, but he didn’t exceed my expectations, due to his insecurities, and his lack of respect towards me as an individual. I’m thankful that he dumped me for an older White woman, since his actions proved that he was a manipulative, insecure, controlling, and a lying coward. I wasn’t obligated to forgive him, because he refuses to hold himself accountable for his actions. Besides, why should I be the target of his insecurities, when it wasn’t my problem to deal with? He was the person who brought nothing but drama and excess baggage into the relationship, and took them out on me.
I used my ex-boyfriend as an example of not lowering my expectations. Both my mom and best friend told me that I didn’t have my self-respect. That comment did hurt my feelings, but it forced me to realize that I shouldn’t have to settle for less than what I deserved.
Thanks for sharing your experience LaTrice, and the kind words on the article.
You’re right, people can always find love again. Some might find themselves trapped in an unhappy relationship because they fear only having one chance at love. If it’s an unhappy relationship however, then it’s not the right one and definitely not the only chance for love.
Thanks again.
I’m currently in a relationship with someone who’s exceeding my expectations. At least I’m not considered to be a threat to him, based on my intelligence.
This gives me hope. I’m dealing with heartbreak and feeling abandoned. Just knowing that I’ll get through this makes me feel better. Also, I took your advice and allowed myself to cry. It felt great! I want to heal and now i know that these steps are part of the journey. Thank you 🙂
That’s great to hear LaTrice. Best Wishes.
Hello Dee. I’m so glad you found the article helpful. Your feelings of heartbreak and abandonment will pass. Some days will seem easier than others but you’ll get there.
You may even find other ways to help you on the journey. I didn’t realize how I actually coped until I reflected on that time. I think we all have strengths that sometimes we don’t realize, until circumstances arise.
I wish you well.
Great article, Alan! I am so grateful to the chance of reading those words. I have recently been through a heartbreak, you might laugh, it was just dating not even a serious relationship yet. Like everyone else, everything was so perfect at the beginning but suddenly on one day, it fell apart. He was tempted when his ex wanted to get back with him, and the same wound has came back to me as I have been cheated before with the ex issue, twice. I was so angry and kept asking myself why did this same trouble happened again and again. I felt so insecure not just because of this, but also we are living in to two different cities. After all, I appreciate him told me the truth, but sometimes truth can hurt you so bad, don’t you think?…We still talk occasionally, but I don’t think it’s a good idea since I still have the feeling for him. However, I realized my problem as I could be too emotional, and think of others feeling more than mine, I have the immature part inside of me but I denied this fact before. In the age of 23, I am feared, insecure, and still couldn’t let past go, but I want to move on as I know I have to, life is too beautiful! So thank you Alan, for letting me feel that I am actually not alone 🙂
Hi, I and my ex boyfriend broke up about 7 weeks now. We’ve been together for 4 years. We had so many issues during in our relationship. We got engaged and eventually he changed hcis mind not to get married soon and told me he doesn’t want kids. It broke my heart. He also told me that culture differences is another problem between us. When we broke up I beg many times. He told he doesn’t want to go back in to our relationship and he wants us to move on. I stayed another 2 weeks with him while I am looking for a new place. we had sex a couple times. He told me he just want us stay as friends.When I moved out, he didn’t txt or call but when we each other we are fine talking like a friend. Is there anyway that i can win him back? that was the question i asked my sister and she told me he have had an encouter with the famous love doctor and i contacted him and he prayed for my relationship and my boyfriend came back to me and my relationship was restored and now we will be getting married soon. Please get to know him and ask for his help on (prayerstosaverelationship@yahoo.com). The love doctor is the best and will help you 🙂
Hi, I and my ex boyfriend broke up about 7 weeks now. We’ve been together for 4 years. We had so many issues during in our relationship. We got engaged and eventually he changed his mind not to get married soon and told me he doesn’t want kids. It broke my heart. He also told me that culture differences is another problem between us. When we broke up I beg many times. He told he doesn’t want to go back in to our relationship and he wants us to move on. I stayed another 2 weeks with him while I am looking for a new place. we had sex a couple times. He told me he just want us stay as friends.When I moved out, he didn’t txt or call but when we each other we are fine talking like a friend. Is there anyway that i can win him back? that was the question i asked my sister and she told me he have had an encouter with the famous love doctor and i contacted him and he prayed for my relationship and my boyfriend came back to me and my relationship was restored and now we will be getting married soon. Please get to know him and ask for his help on (prayerstosaverelationship@yahoo.com). The love doctor is the best and will help you 🙂
Hi, I and my ex boyfriend broke up about 7 weeks now. We’ve been together for 4 years. We had so many issues during in our relationship. We got engaged and eventually he changed his mind not to get married soon and told me he doesn’t want kids. It broke my heart. He also told me that culture differences is another problem between us. When we broke up I beg many times. He told he doesn’t want to go back in to our relationship and he wants us to move on. I stayed another 2 weeks with him while I am looking for a new place. we had sex a couple times. He told me he just want us stay as friends.When I moved out, he didn’t txt or call bcut when we each other we are fine talking like a friend. Is there anyway that i can win him back? that was the question i asked my sister and she told me he have had an encouter with the famous love doctor and i contacted him and he prayed for my relationship and my boyfriend came back to me and my relationship was restored and now we will be getting married soon. Please get to know him and ask for his help on (prayerstosaverelationship@yahoo.com). The love doctor is the best and will help you 🙂
Thank you so much Ananya for your kind words.
Someone at my work said to me, after reading the post, that it was very open. Maybe too open. But it was important to tell everyone going through the same challenge that one day the sadness will end. Importantly, it won’t take meeting someone else for that to happen.
Sorry to hear you’re experiencing a rough patch but I know you will get through it.
The important thing is to keep believing in yourself, and just be yourself.
Best Wishes.
Hi Angela.
You’re definitely not alone. Seems the early to mid twenties is a heart breaking time for many of us. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Being emotional or caring about other people’s feelings are not negative things.
I think finding the right person is a hit and miss affair. Definitely more misses that hits!
I also think you’re well on the road to moving on. You have no regrets and believe life is beautiful. Can’t start better than that.
All the best.
Thanks!
This really resonated with me… my boyfriend that I met in college and I just recently broke up after five years. I had stuck with him through him cheating on me in college, him being unemployed and underemployed, and then finally a suicide attempt on his part and major depression… Especially for the last thing, I dropped everything I was doing to be helpful to him and try to get his life back on track for him. I helped him come up with plans, write job applications, bought him new clothes so he could start working out… Hell, my father was the one who cleaned the 3 liters of blood off the floor of his bedroom. When he was in the psych ward he was so happy that I had been helpful to him, he kept telling anyone who would listen how wonderful I was and how much he wanted to marry me.
And then this fall he was telling all our friends that he was saving for a ring and wanted to propose.. while still dealing with some mental health issues. We had a brief, difficult fight where he said he wanted to break up, and then talked to his counselor and realized he was projecting his own issues onto me. Then we had this amazing fifth anniversary weekend… the happiest I had been in ages, he bought me these beautiful presents and we had this lovely dinner…
And then he broke up with me over facebook chat a week later in this big mad ramble, after apparently one night of thinking about it. I saw on one of his social media profiles that he had been talking to some girl two days after our anniversary and he was saying he wanted to have sex with her and he had broken it off with me to be with her even though she lived across the country… and he posted all these horrible memes about me and said that he broke up with me because i didnt have sex with him enough even though I DID have sex with him and I had a physical diagnosis that made it painful…
I’m just so absolutely crushed and devastated. He hasn’t always been the best boyfriend to me, but I always thought that he really meant it when he said he wanted to marry me…. he said he was mad that I wasn’t committed enough because I wouldn’t agree definitively to move in with him… but the reason I didn’t is because I was scared that we would have more horrible arguments and I would have nowhere to run to.
I feel awful and sick and terrible… part of me wants to throw away everything he ever gave me and forget about him, the other part just wants him to face up to whatever mental health issues he is having and realize that I wasn’t the problem…
Thank you for sharing your story and I’m glad the steps cited in the post resonated with you. You’ve definitely experienced some difficult times.
I would really encourage you to go solo for a while so you can rebuild your confidence. Always remember that the hurt will subside over time and that you always have much to look forward to. I hope things get better for you.
Best wishes.
I have been friends with a lady for many years and over the last year we began spending lots of time together. she has been married and been divorced for many years. She was involved in a 2 year relationship that ended with her heart broken where she was giving 100% and the man was not doing enough to be with her. She ended the relationship. Know here i come and let me 1st say I have always been attracted to her and thought here is my opportunity to finally get a chance to be with this woman. I showed her who I was and my feelings of unconditional love , completely re did her home and worked side by side on many home projects, family issues, – celebrated her in her new career and gave her so much emotional support and unconditional love and treated her they way i knew she derserved to be treated , broke down many walls i believe that she had put up to protect herself and she allowed me in so i continued in hopes that eventually she would see i was the one for her and we made a great couple…. all around her would say how lucky she was she had me in her life and she often acknowledged the same and questioned why she derserved anything. so you get the picture very close … never sexual however every other aspects of our relationship- friendship was that of a couple.
So here is the rub- she declined a dinner invite by me and said another time as she had a date !!! i lost it