“Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.” ~Chuang Tzu
At an early age I learned that nothing in life is guaranteed. When I was eleven years old, a close friend and classmate lost his battle with cancer. After that, I had several more instances of losing loved ones, some expected, others not so much.
After having gone through so much loss at such an early age, my outlook on life was one word: rushed.
I wanted to get through college as fast as I could, while taking on as much as I could. I wanted to have meaningful relationships and foster my athletic abilities. I wanted to get out into the real world and have a great job where I felt like I mattered, and made a difference.
I had graduated college a semester early, and I was blindsided by how seemingly cold the real world was and by the fact that I had all of these dreams with little to no understanding as to how they were going to come to fruition—as fast as possible.
After all, time was of the essence because I could die tomorrow, or the day after that, or the day after that… (What twenty-something year olds think like that?)
With the economy on the decline, I was only able to find a job at a nearby hospital as a transportation aide. This basically entailed bringing patients to and from their appointments within the hospital.
While I did enjoy certain aspects of this job, such as trying to make each and every person I transported smile during their otherwise not-so-great day, the attitudes of fellow hospital staff left me feeling worthless, as I was mocked by physicians and nurses for no other reason than my job title.
As months crept on, I became seriously devastated at the thought of my future success being delayed any further. It was hard to feel like success was on the horizon when those who were supposed to be my “teammates” were treating me so poorly. I was genuinely distraught over the uncertainty of what tomorrow was going to bring.
I tried my very best to trudge on, with the sole thought and hope that “surely another career wouldn’t be like this, right?”
About six months later I was offered a different job. It wasn’t exactly like my previous one, but left me feeling once again like I was on another rollercoaster ride, this time with a healthcare consulting company.
When I was offered this position that would have me relocating to Pennsylvania, I packed my bags as quickly as I could. I seized the moment, not knowing when another opportunity would present itself.
In this position I had effectively transitioned from a job that required direct interaction with patients, to a role that was focused on how hospitals and medical groups financially managed themselves.
While my previous critics during my time as a transportation aide would have deemed this job title more favorable, this consulting position did not leave me feeling any better at the end of the day.
Now, I was boots-on-the-ground implementing change within an organization, with one major problem: my boss was one of the most despised people at the hospital.
This left me putting out fires at every turn, and put me in a position where I felt forced to back certain causes I didn’t truly believe in because I was told to “step up, or step out,” by the management within the consulting company.
During this time, I was spending ten to twelve hours a day at work, getting nothing more in return than feeling emotionally and mentally drained at the day’s end.
While I did have a small group of friends in the area, I wasn’t close to any of them, as this group of individuals primarily focused on surface-level relationships and drinking.
To fill any remaining time I had available to me, I began training for an Olympic distance triathlon.
More or less, I threw all of the things that I felt I needed to achieve to feel happy in life up in the air, hoping at least one would catch, but none of them did.
My failure in this approach was that I was running—not just in a “hey, I’m training for an Olympic distance triathlon” kind of way, but in an “oh-my-gosh, I’m terrified to leave any amount of time free because if I truly take a step back and look at my life, I will realize how unhappy I am and how unimportant all of this is” kind of way.
I was cramming my days so full in an attempt to truly experience the world like my other friends and family members never had the chance to, and in doing this, I wasn’t actually experiencing anything at all.
I didn’t know who I was, and I most certainly didn’t know what I wanted.
Fast forward a year and a half and here I am, now located in Boise, Idaho, where I have relinquished “striving for happiness,” because happiness is not something you strive for.
When I moved to Idaho for another job opportunity, I decided not to fill all my downtime like I had in the past.
At first, I felt truly and utterly alone. Things were quiet, and it became apparent that in trying to experience everything around me and check items off of my bucket list, I had neglected to cope with several past experiences.
The loss of loved ones, the ending of relationships, and past decisions that did not suit me all haunted me in my downtime.
Through counseling and deep self-reflection over the past several months, I have been able to resolve many of these feelings and have learned, among other things, that happiness is something that already lies within us.
It is a personal choice, however, whether or not we allow ourselves to feel it.
I believe happiness is choosing to let go of those situations and people who do not suit us personally. It is living in the moment, rather than, in my case, living in fear that the moment is going to be over before I’m ready.
It is here that I have allowed myself to only invest time in what truly interests and suits me, rather than what I feel obligated to achieve.
I have made time to enjoy exercising, to cherish my family and friends, to read and write, and to enjoy the simplicity of life rather than stress over all of life’s complexities. In realizing how much I have missed while running from my past and planning far into the future, I have become truly present.
We all have the ability to enjoy our lives, but it can’t happen if we’re racing toward the future. If we want to be happy, we have to choose to create happiness now.
Photo by rusticus80
About Lauren Baratto
Lauren Baratto is a twenty-four year old self-proclaimed “old soul,” who strives to impact the lives of others through consistently exercising compassion, and empathy. Overly enthusiastic about the healthcare field and helping others, Lauren’s ultimate passion is writing and while she doesn’t have a blog or book just yet… she hopes to in the future….. STAY TUNED and connect at: facebook.com/lauren.bee53
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
“It is here that I have allowed myself to only invest time in what truly interests and suits me, rather than what I feel obligated to achieve.”
Great line and article. I always think that I have the obligation to achieve something huge. We all have all these big visions, but in the end, it is really about the small things we need to give attention to. I’m an undergraduate student, I’m turning 26 this year, and I have decided to take time to learn and to “slow down” the rush of time.
So timely! I feel like this year is a much slower-paced one for me and I have been in denial, trying to push myself to the limit and filling up every minute of my schedule with activities related to my passion because I’m constantly comparing myself to my peers and am afraid of missing out and being left behind. My body has been screaming for rest and to redirect my energies and my stubbornness has caused me to fall sick every month since last September. Even then I still refused to listen, until this week when I broke down and finally accepted that I have to slow down for a while and focus on my health and activities that don’t require me to be on the ball for 16-17 hours, 6 days a week. I feel like a failure to be honest, but I understand that this feeling is coming from a place of unworthiness. Gotta take care of ourselves before we can save the world eh 🙂
Feeling like we will “miss out” or be “left behind” is all too common these days which is why we run ourselves haggard trying to be the best and do our best to get ahead in life to where we think we are “supposed” to be. It’s taken me a couple years to finally get to a stage where I know it’s ok to go at my own pace. It’s hard sometimes though, because I myself revert back to thinking I need to be more productive or I have to be at this stage because that’s where everyone else is. I have learned, when
we can begin to just slow down and go at our own pace, following our passions
becomes more enjoyable. I wish you luck!
Thank you for this post. I’m really glad you have found the path of least resistance. Having worked as a nurse, I can tell you that not all of the staff treat the transport helpers in that manner. I don’t understand why anyone chooses their work interactions based on job role, if we weren’t important we wouldn’t be there.
I agree 100%— its definitely not a universal trait. I don’t think anyone intended to be malicious, I just think healthcare is such a stressful field: Management puts stress on physicians, physicians put stress on nurses, nurses put stress on aux. staff. etc. Everyone in the healthcare field has the same end goal and I think sometimes the sentiments get lost in the shuffle. Thank you for your kind words!
You are so wise for realizing that “happiness is something that already lies within us.” I truly believe we are equipped with everything we need for living; we only need to ask the right questions. And the right questions seem to come when we go through tough experiences that knock us to our knees. Our greatest teachers are our painful experiences and failures. I’m glad you are using yours to heal others.
Thank you so much for this post. As a 27 year old that has felt the sting of our failing economy and not being satisfied with the 9-5 job, I need to constantly remind myself to live in the present. I moved to NYC from Virginia thinking that it would solve all my problems and bring me success only to retreat back home and work in the restaurant I did while putting myself through college. While many see this as a “step back,” I frankly don’t care what they think because I actually love my job and co-workers, something that a lot of people can’t say.
Well, at the end of the day you ask the question, am I happy ? That’s the most important thing in my reality. If we strive for “fast life” and live everything in one day, I think we may go downhill … Patience and persistence are two most vital attributes in this world.
Lauren,
This post is just spot on. I went through some similar life experiences when I was young, and never really found myself coping. From there I invested myself heavily into theatre, and refused to step away because I knew that as soon as I did, I’d see some realities that I didn’t want to face.
Well I stepped away this year, and… wow. The weeks that followed were rough. I had a lot of self discovery to accomplish, and a massive identity crisis to cope with. Point is, your article covers that very well. I often need to practice getting out of my own head and just letting myself exist. Basically, quit thinking so much, and just go do what makes you happy. It sounds easier than it actually is sometimes.
Once again, great article. I’m going through some similar subjects on my blog. I really think you should start one. You’re writing is wonderful.
Cheers
Good for you for ultimately doing what was best for YOU. It is a great feeling when you can step away from other people’s expectations, to figure out the route that best suits you in life.
I know we talked earlier but glad to have your vote of confidence! ” I often need to practice getting out of my own head and just letting myself exist.” Amen to that! Its amazing how destructive our thoughts and our pre-planning, based on expectations, can be to moving forward in life.
Your experiences are so resonating with me right now. I’m literally all over the place, still dealing with insecurities of the past and unsure of the road to the future. Thanks Lauren for your candor.
A friend from India send me this as a link and I am reading it in the middle of the night in Dubai.
Happiness is definetly a concious choice. I have an amazing job, am very fortunate and still much appreciated this ‘reminder’ about what matters – the now.
Thanks Lauren & an e-hug from half-way around the globe.
If the future is where we expect to find happiness then we’ll never experience it. Learning, as your story tells us, to enjoy the simple things in the now is something for us all.
Hi, I broke my leg last week and I’m on best rest for like the next 6 months :/ I am 18 and as you say in a rush. I can’t help but to feel like I am failing by not being able to work and foster my abilities :(. What do I do