“In the end what matters most is: How well did you live? How well did you love? How well did you learn to let go?” ~Unknown
In a matter of days, it was all gone: the role in a company I adored, the future I had imagined, and our friend Max, so loved by all who knew him.
The loss washed over me in a sudden gust. I was being called to begin again, to re-examine what I thought was important. And, in facing the feelings that arose with being stripped abruptly of these attachments, the inessential was forced to fall away, bowing to the essential.
Re-birth can sound so majestic, so beautiful. It can signify a time of starting fresh, of being conjured anew, of creating a blank page for the future. Flowers are born anew each spring, butterflies born from their cocoons.
The scent of re-birth can imply blue skies and endless vast horizons. Everything is suddenly awoken, stirring with possibility.
But re-birth does not always occur as the delicate unfolding of blossoming petals. Sometimes, it entails the unnerving shriek of the phoenix consumed by the flames. Sometimes, it’s the pressure from the heat that turns coal into diamonds.
Often, we must taste the darkness of death before we can rise from the ashes with a strength and courage we did not even know we had, until it was tested.
In this experience of loss, I was initially distraught for days—brought to my knees as the figurative tower of everything I was building with all my heart and soul crumbled around me. Pieces of rubble showered me with a deep reality check, a wake up call.
Part of me was angry, and tempted to launch into more “doing” to “prove myself” and to begin rebuilding immediately and swiftly so as to “undo” the loss.
But that denial could not last long. Instead, I had to accept and be with the grief of what was gone, and surrender to the new task of letting my life speak to me and through me, rather than trying so hard to dictate all my days.
When we cling to things, we struggle. When we grasp at what we desire, we suffocate it. When we identify with a laundry list of accomplishments, we always fall short in the end.
You may have heard the saying “We are human beings, not human doings.” Living is a balance of both: centering yourself in who you are, and then expressing that core self through what you do in the world, as you grow within it.
Our focus can so often be on the externals that we get caught up in the scramble to achieve and forget what is really important, what truly defines us.
When our friend Max passed, people did not honor the castles he’d built, or the deeds he’d done. They honored the spirit of immense life and joy that he embodied, lived, and spread through being fully himself in every moment.
They remembered how deliciously Max dreamed, how immensely he believed, and how sweetly he treated everyone around him.
In death, we have the chance to appreciate and glorify the best in others; but why wait until then? Why not uplift each other and magnify our gifts while we are here, together, in this crazy beautiful flesh?
In every moment, we have the chance to taste the fragility of life in death, and choose to re-invent ourselves through becoming re-born again and again and again.
But first you must transform anything that does not serve, you must release what you hold on to so tightly, you must agree to melt.
In truth, when the caterpillar goes into its cocoon, it actually proceeds to dissolve into a pool of atoms. It lets go of its old form and completely comes undone. That is how it reconfigures itself and transforms into its next glorious form as a butterfly.
In my own life, I have taken a pause from re-creating. I know re-birth will come, and that soon it will be time to fly again. But before that, I immerse myself in the process of bowing with humility and utmost surrender, listening to the wisdom in the silence.
It is time to re-evaluate all prior priorities, coming into closer contact with the values, people, and experiences I cherish, and looking for the beauty in the stillness, in the amorphous puddle of “not-knowing.”
If you’re also dealing with loss and undergoing transition, can you release your attachments? Can you let go of what “things” and “titles” you identify with, those things you think define you, that really won’t matter in the end?
Can you melt into ultimate love, into the powerful grace of knowing that you are both nothing and everything at once, a single drop in the powerful ocean of life, still shining as bright as the pinprick of a star?
Can you let go, let go, let go, knowing that soon, when you are ready, it will be time to rise and soar?
Man in stars image via Shutterstock
About Jeanine Cerundolo
Jeanine Cerundolo is a holistic life coach with a master’s in clinical psychology from Columbia University. She is the author of Team You: Awaken Clarity, Confidence, and Joy by Honoring All Parts of Yourself, a book about welcoming all the parts of yourself and embracing who you are so you can do what gives you joy, nourish love in your life, and foster deep connection to what matters most.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Hi Jeanine
Thank you for sharing your experience…you have a very poetic way of writing and I really enjoyed it. You can certainly move people with your words. So many things you said resonated with me, but this line in particular really stood out: ”istening to the wisdom in the silence”
In my own life, I have found this to be one of the most powerful catalysts for change in my life. We go to great lengths to avoid that silence, and this is much to our detriment. If we can get over that discomfort of coming face to face with everything that is going on within, amazing things can happen. We can get back in touch with our higher self, that part of us that knows all the answers we seek, and what would make us happiest.
I have had a lot of anchors from my past that weighed me down for too long; I can’t say I have cut all of them totally loose, but I have come a long way and created a life I would have never thought possible for myself many years ago–it all starts with that willingness to forgive ourselves of our past ‘transgressions’ and realize that our past experience does not have to define us or determine what is possible for our future.
Beautiful sentiments here…
Wouldn’t Buddha have been more likely to say, “In the end there is nothing”??
Thanks for noticing that- we corrected it! 🙂
Beautiful and inspiring post! Thank you for sharing your amazing insight! Great points, and analogy! 🙂
Hi Kelli, thank you for such a thoughtful response! I am glad you appreciated the article and that it resonated with you. You are so right, surrendering to that Space within Silence is so key to connecting most deeply with the insights we have right here, inside of ourselves. I wish you the best with your next chapter. Personally, I think we don’t have to ever completely sever ourselves from the past (a feat that would be quite remarkable!) but that if we integrate its lessons, we can move forward feeling more whole, and more free. “Invent your life as you would dream it!” Thanks for the comment 🙂 –Jeanine
Thank you so much. I needed this today.
Thank you for sharing Jeanine. This is exactly what I am going through right now. It all started last year when my grandpa passed away. I really looked up to him. Than, six month ago, I lost my mentor. My mentor was the sweetest person that I have ever known in my life, it was not easy to lose her. Both losses have shook me up and I have went through all types of emotions. The changes have been uncomfortable and hard, but worth it. I let go of everything negative in my life; vices, relationships, etc. When I lost my loved ones, I started to question my own existence. I started to think of what I want to do in my life and why am I here. What I want to make out of it. What kind of person I want to be. What actually matters, what doesn’t. As I heal from the losses, I feel like my grandpa and mentor are still with me. Not in a physical sense, a spiritual one. It is a great feeling. I will live to my full potential, just like they would want me to. Take care <3
Hello! Thank you for your comment. I am sorry to hear about your losses, but glad to hear your approach in moving through the grief and pain, as you emerge with more purpose and resolve on the other end. Thank you for sharing your story, and best wishes as your beautiful journey continues to unfold- your potential is in the Now! 🙂
This couldn’t have come at a more opportune time, really well written too! I’m cocooning myself in preparation for a rebirth, it’s been a really tough time and posts like this really help me through. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks, Nik. I appreciate the comment and am glad you enjoyed the article. Birth and re-birth are not easy by any means, but a philosophy that has really helped me through is the approach of trusting that things are happening FOR us and not TO us… Things always make sense when we look back in retrospect and see how the peaks and valleys worked together to create this journey we call Life. 🙂
Beautiful reminder. thankyou
Wow! This is a powerful article! I love it. The writing really inspired me and I hope to live out the life of my dreams. But I have to plow through the “boring, routine” stuff first. 😀
I’ve come across this post at the perfect time. Two days ago I was fired from a business where I’d dedicated 8 years of my life. But I have optimism that with my skills and personality, plus a change in life goals, all will be well. Several months ago I did myself the greatest favor, I downsized my apartment and personal needs. Simplification can offer a huge amount of relief by itself. As you mentioned, de-cluttering is important, both within and without. Let go of the past and trust your inner strength. Thank you, Jeanine, for helping me look ahead!
Hi Caroline, thanks for your comment. Wow- that is an intense situation, and can cause many emotions to arise! There is often a whole gamut of feelings that we can go through after such an abrupt transition and loss. I’m glad you are approaching the circumstances optimistically through your positive outlook and in the simplification and de-cluttering of your internal and external surroundings. Honor what you’ve learned from the past, and focus your sights on the next chapter that’s about to unfold. As one of my favorite quotes from Michael Beckwith goes: “I am available to more good than I have ever imagined, experienced, or realized before in my life!” If you would like to chat a bit more, I do offer complimentary 30min calls, and would be happy to support you further on this leg of the journey- if you wish, you can reach me at: jeaninenicole@zestforthequest.com. Have a delightful day, and take care! -Jeanine
Thanks, Teresa – thanks for the note- I’m glad you are inspired! I often find that the “boring routine” stuff sometimes is the stuff of life! I think the saying goes that “Don’t sweat the small stuff, and its all small stuff” or, as Mother Theresa says ““Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” I think it can be the cumulation of all the seemingly mundane things that comprises our stories. It is easy to get caught up in polarizing what we think is “worthy/exciting/passion-evoking” from “the-rest-of-it”, but we definitely have many obligations, duties, and small things to attend to!
… So, if what you are physically DOING doesn’t completely light a fire under you, how can you at least shift your BEING around it, so that you can bring the light within to every task, mindfully infusing it with your presence, and thus hopefully enjoying the process more? Happy to chat further if you like: jeaninenicole@zestforthequest.com. Have a beautiful day! –Jeanine
First I must say that you’re writing is absolutely BEAUTIFUL. I love this article. I needed these exact words. I am struggling with the exact things you have written about. I was raised in a family where accomplishment and appearance is everything. I have always felt inadequate, and have tried to fight these feelings through eating constantly. Now, my problems and my size have grown. I am almost 30 and I have to realize that accomplishments are not important, my gifts are; and that appearance is not important, my health is. I’m working on this everyday and I’m so glad that I came across your article to help me in my journey. Thank you!
you just stopped me from putting a bullet in my head. thank you.