“Forgiving someone doesn’t mean condoning their behavior. It doesn’t mean forgetting how they hurt you or giving that person room to hurt you again. Forgiving someone means making peace with what happened. It means acknowledging your wound, giving yourself permission to feel the pain, and recognizing why that pain no longer serves you. It means letting go of the hurt and resentment so that you can heal and move on. ~Daniell Koepke
My father leaned back in his overstuffed recliner, eating the double-chocolate raspberry gelato I had just bought for him as he stared entranced at the television.
His feeble body was bent over in pain and his feet were as swollen as sausages. A wave of sadness mixed with acceptance rolled through me and I felt peaceful.
My father is slowly deteriorating from Parkinson’s disease, and at the age of eighteen, it’s a difficult experience for me to go through. Heck, going through death at any age is difficult.
For years, my relationship has been very tense with my father. I used to have major “daddy issues” and held onto a lot of pain from my childhood.
When I was younger, he wasn’t always the nicest man, especially when it came to disciplining. I can remember him screaming at me to get on the ground and do push-ups for back-talking my mother.
His eyes were full of hate and anger, and for the next ten years I would hold a deep resentment for him centered around memories such as those.
This past May, I graduated from high school and was faced with the path of choosing a school. I’m a very serious musician, so I auditioned at eight schools all over the country, and got accepted to six.
It was a major accomplishment. But, as my anger continued to brew for my father and his health deteriorated, I realized that he wouldn’t be here much longer. If I wanted to make things right and receive closure, I had to act now.
I decided to take a gap year to spend time with my father and take some much needed time for myself. Most importantly I wanted to learn about ultimate forgiveness.
Giving up all those schools and scholarships was difficult, but what I realized would be more difficult was giving up the healing process I could go through right now regarding my past relationship with my dad.
So here are three lessons I have learned from going through this process with my father. I’m sure I will learn much more in the year to come, but I believe I have learned some valuable lessons thus far.
1. Life is too short to hold onto regrets.
When a life or death situation happens, you soon realize that some things really don’t matter. I could easily hold onto resentment for my father’s actions, but you know what? I don’t want to be thirty-five or sixty-two regretting that I never made peace with him while he was still alive.
I could wait, because forgiveness doesn’t require his participation, but why prolong my unhappiness? An added bonus has been my ability to enjoy getting to know him a bit from a loving perspective.
2. Forgiveness is a process; it’s not magic.
This is a common misconception. Saying, “I’m sorry,” and expecting everything to fade away and be sunshine and roses is ridiculous. You will be angry and feel those resentful feelings again and again. But, you have a choice.
When you have those feelings, you can question them. Is it really worth it? Can you see it another way? Are these hurtful thoughts bringing you peace? I choose peace.
3. Real forgiveness does not require two people.
My father has no clue that I am going through this process or even that I have held some major resentment. If I felt sharing with him would help the forgiveness process, I would share. But in my opinion, it all has to do with me giving up blame.
My, father, like many people, had a very hard life and abusive parents as role models. He honestly did the best he could.
This is not excusing his behavior. However, I realize that holding blame just eats me up in the inside. I would rather forgive his behavior and look at how it has benefited me than hold resentment.
I appreciate the sacrifices he has made for me and realize he was the exact father I needed for my self-growth process. If it weren’t for him, I probably would not have developed such a positive, meaningful relationship with my mother.
I know his sickness will only get worse from here and I’m at peace with that. I’m happy that my sweet father is transitioning to a better place and am thankful for all of the life lessons he has taught me.
Remember that life has an expiration date, which should push you to live the fullest every day. And it should be an even greater reminder to love deeply and always, always forgive.
Forgive on stones image via Shutterstock
About Angela Lois
Angela Lois works as a recovery coach supporting adults with serious mental illnesses. By night, she is a professional violist. Angela L. shares her stories of her life to combat shame and help people feel more seen. If you would like to receive coaching from Angela or connect, you can connect with her on Instagram @angelaloie or email her at angelaloiscoaching@gmail.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
How right you are! And once you forgive … wow, no more angst!
I am aware many of us don’t forget and it is “stored” in our memory, but you do become liberated when you Forgive AND Forget and move on.
Thank You.
I try to be a forgiving person, but sometimes, it’s never easy. I haven’t forgiven those that caused heartache and drama towards me, knowing that I didn’t say or do anything to deserve it. I can move on with my life without having to forgive the person who did me wrong, but their actions will be a constant reminder, so it will stay in the back of my mind.
Life’s too short to live and to be unhappy.
Thank you, Adam for your thoughtful response. I hope you have a wonderful week!
Liz, it’s quite amazing, isn’t it? Sometimes I still have angst, BUT it’s a process:)
I totally agree! It’s not easy, but very worthwhile for our happiness.
Thank you for sharing this article, Angela.
I’m truly happy for you, that you were able to do this.
For me, the abuse went for too long. Boundaries and lines were crossed. The sanity and safety of my family was at stake.
I hope I will come to that place where I can forgive, but it will not involve them. Hurting my children is unforgivable. And I can NEVER trust them again. I have no plans to ever see them again, no matter what. I am at peace with that.
But…I have a feeling with the poison out of my life, therapy and self work is going to stick this time. The silver lining to this final straw is that I am able to walk away, and be happy with my family of choice.
How mature you are at such a young age. Forgiveness is healing, and sometimes that is enough to sustain us. After all, life isn’t always positive and uplifting, sometimes it can be abrupt and sad. Good for you for accepting that and moving forward.
Such a powerful story, Angela! One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in my life is forgiving, regardless of where the other person was at. We forgive for ourselves. If we don’t, as you aptly point out, it’s ourselves that we end up hurting. we get burnt twice by the person – first for all the things they did to us and then the burden we carry around filled with resentment and anger. Putting life in context of an expiration date will hopefully encourage others to keep this in mind and forgive those people who have hurt them the most.
Amazing article. I think everyone has to go through this phase and it is very important to have peace than anger. The anger residing within ourselves is more self destructive than anything else. Letting it go and having peace with past is the best way. One cannot go back and change things but we can decide how to react in present. Forgiveness is definitely a process and one will overcome it eventually.
I’m there too.
Dee, thank you for your wise words. Forgiveness is definitely a process and a difficult one to overcome, but I believe fully worth it in the end:) Have a blessed week!
Tir, thank you for your kind words. It’s just the ebb and flow of life. I hope you have a wonderful day!
We can forgive others (who hurt us) because we can easily accept their limitations (the fact they are not intelligent enought, or the fact that they are envious, mean, insecure…) but the real problem is to forgive ourselves, because when we are hurt we think: “how did I let them do that to me? I should have been more intelligent, more aware, more cautious, better prepared, wiser….”. The most difficult part is accepting our own limitations.
Thanks for the article. I have recently made a decision to forgive someone that has done me a great injustice. I let go of the anger 6 months ago by seeing their perspective but a part of me felt that there wasn’t any justice. I was in some way allowing myself to be trod on. In any event, holding onto negative emotions regardless of the justification only ever harms yourself.
Thank you for taking time out of your day to read and comment! Blessings!
Vishnu, what a powerful realization! I’ve also learned forgiveness outwardly starts inwardly first. Also, self-forgiveness in my opinion can be even more difficult, but the healing starts with us. Thank you for reading my article and leaving such a lovely comment! I am very grateful. Have a beautiful day!
Paula, I completely, totally agree. Self-forgiveness is a difficult process, but one that I have found and am sure will continue to find is very rewarding. I hope you have a blessed day!
Gregory, I can totally relate. I am in a similar situation with a dear friend right now and am learning the balance between forgiving someone, but still holding some boundaries. I definitely have not figured out where the line is between “forgiving and forgetting,” but am excited to continue my journey with the process.
I definitely agree there is a place where setting boundaries is not only useful, but actually more beneficial for the relationship. I have found this out with my father recently.
I can’t tell you how much therapy, meditation, yoga, journaling, and self-work has changed my life. I honestly don’t even know where I would be without all the inner work and can’t wait to see where my growth takes me. Thank you for commenting and sharing your wisdom with Tiny Buddha. I am extremely grateful!
This is article is so true. I’ve had people hurt me and I thought I had forgave them but deep down I didn’t. The hurt lingered silently and began growing. I started to realize that I had to forgive for myself. I couldn’t tell others about forgiveness if I wasn’t forgiving. So I reached out to the ones that hurt me and asked for their forgiveness of me not letting go of the hurt. I felt so much better and a weight was lifted off me.
This article gave me so many reasons to forgive and realize that life is too short to feel that all anger. I was searching an article for how am I forgive the one who hurt me but this one is my favorite article. Forgive is one of the hardest decision that we make but when we are finally to end up those hatred feelings we need to forgive, not only for those who hurt us but of course its for own good. That’s life let it happened for some not knowing the reasons why they hurt us. Happiness is a choice so choose wisely. 🙂
Kem,
Thank you for your beautiful comment. It truly made my day. I agree happiness is a choice and aren’t we lucky that we get the opportunity to choose.<3 Sending blessings your way.
Shanicka,
So glad you felt the weight lifted off. It’s an amazing feeling!
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Real forgiveness does not require two people. Very true. You’ve been betrayed, hurt and you are angry. They don’t have to be sorry for you to give up the anger. Letting go, forgiving anyway, will set you free.
Need Advice!!!!! Been angry for a while now and I’m just tired of it. My fiancé and I are in a really bad place right now because he’s crossed boundaries with female coworkers. He’s managed to develop these so called platonic friendships with two women at work and I found out about them a couple of months ago. First off he hid the friendships from me. We are high school sweet hearts and have two beautiful kids together we are best friends and all of the sudden this comes out of no where. He just seemed to be acting funny and I decide to check his phone I found text messages between him and one of the women discussing how angry they were that a rumor was Hong around the work place that they were secretly seeing each other. Now I was speechless he never told me anything about it and when I confronted him about it he said it wasn’t true and he didn’t see the l point in bring it up. Red flags went up I decided to check his phone bill he was actually speaking to her on the phone during work hours for long periods of time. When I expressed that was uncomfortable he stated that they were just friend and they talked about work.(Yeah ok) Fast forward to now they continue to talk and he’s always available when ever she calls and now he excuse is we have to talk we work together. He even told her how I didn’t care for their relationship and that I was going to kick him out (now all this true but why is he telling her, I believe what ever a man and a woman discuss in the privacy of their home is between them) I feel he’s emotionally cheating on me and in his eyes he see’s nothing wrong with what he’s doing. I’m tired of fighting over and over about this situation and I feel my feeling have been ignored he claims I’m trying to control his life and I don’t see how that’s possible if he’s doing what ever he wants. I’ve told him to leave and go figure out what he wants and he tells me he’s not leaving and he’s happy with me and the kids. That’s a shocker to me that he’s happy and I’m not yet I’m in the same relationship he’s in. I don’t trust him he has lied, now he deletes texts and calls and say it’s because I’m going to think something, I check his cell phone bill and I don’t want to continue to live my life like this, maybe it’s time for me to leave???
Forgiveness becomes possible after we have fully embraced the hurt within. That hurt is a conditioned reaction, a habit and that is our domain. It may seem hard to accept, but we make ourselves suffer, not our partner. They trigger that habit through unskillful action and words, but we own that habit. Owning the habit means that we can change it, and this we do by meditating on the habit and the compulsive impulse to suffer.
Peter Strong, PhD
Boulder Center for Online Mindfulness Therapy for Anxiety and Depression.
Author of ‘The Path of Mindfulness Meditation’ (Amazon, Kindle). Inquiries welcome!
Well, he seems to be acting very immature and in my opinion is pressuring you to end the relationship, because he doesn’t know how to do so