“Letting go isn’t the end of the world; it’s the beginning of a new life.” ~Unknown
This June marked twelve years since I got divorced and moved 1,000 miles away from my hometown. It’s an anniversary that I usually remember, but not one that I tend to dwell on… until this year.
This year, the memories of the demise of my first marriage were hovering at the forefront of my mind.
Maybe it’s because I saw a friend who is roughly the same age I was, going through similar hard decisions. Maybe it’s because my spouse and I were struggling to make a hard decision about an external relationship that isn’t going well.
Whatever the reason, it caused me to reflect on what I’ve learned in the last decade or so.
My ex-husband and I met in high school, when we were seventeen, and had been dating for seven years when we got engaged.
I think on some level we knew, even then, that we shouldn’t get married, that things weren’t that great, but people were starting to ask, and everyone (including us) assumed that we would get married. So we did what we were “supposed” to do.
Things were okay for a little while, and outwardly we seemed happy. Inside, however, things were crumbling. We kept trying to put the pieces back together, but every time we tried to hold tighter, things dissolved into another argument, each cutting more deeply than the last.
By the end we barely spoke, each retreating to separate rooms for the evening. Eventually, I got up the nerve to call it quits. He agreed, and for the most part, the split was amicable.
Honestly, I think my decision to move away was harder for him to accept than the divorce. Maybe because it made things seem more final.
So here I am, twelve years later, older and hopefully wiser, looking back at that time in my life and thinking…
Was leaving painful?
Absolutely.
It was horribly hard to leave what I had known for the previous ten years: a spouse, a home, a friendship. How do you walk away from the one who was your closest connection for that long?
Was creating a new life scary?
Terrifying.
I moved 1,000 miles from almost everyone and everything I had ever known. Starting over is hard, really hard—especially when you feel like you failed at holding together something as important as a marriage.
Would I do it again?
You bet.
Staying in that relationship was killing us both, because we were growing and changing, but not in the same way—not on the same path. My life now is so vastly different from what I thought it was supposed to be back then. I could never in a million years have planned for my life to be the way it is today.
So what have I learned?
I need room to grow.
In that relationship, I didn’t have space and freedom to explore myself—my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs—and it was stifling. When I had a new idea, I usually received harsh criticism and derision.
Understanding ourselves and what we stand for is vitally important to our happiness, and we need room to figure those things out.
Relationships need to be elastic. When we stretch past the boundaries of what we know in the relationship, those boundaries either expand to hold the new ideas or they crack and fall apart.
I was stretching, and the relationship was trying to restrict me. Eventually it couldn’t take the strain.
I had to let go.
Letting go of that relationship meant letting go of people’s expectations about what my life should be (including my own). It was so hard, and it felt like everything I knew was falling apart, like the world was crumbling around me.
But there is so much possibility without those expectations. Starting over gave me an opportunity to craft a new life for myself in ways I had never imagined.
Yes, it was hard. Yes, it was scary. I hope I never have to start from scratch again, but now I know that I have a choice.
We all have choices. We can choose our direction, every single day.
Letting go sometimes means letting it all go.
We talked about remaining friends (and I know some of my friends have made that work), but honestly, we couldn’t remain friends and still move on. I left it all behind and started fresh.
When you rebuild a house that has been damaged by a fire or other disaster, you don’t just start building on top of what is there. If you do, it will quickly fall apart again. First, you have to remove the debris and get back down to the most solid foundation.
The solid foundation in my life is me. Always. I had to let go so that I could find myself.
—
These lessons are relevant for any relationship.
Whether it’s a romance, a friendship, or even family relationship, sometimes you have to take a hard look and make a hard choice. Even if the choice is to stick it out and not let go.
When you take the time to really know yourself—know your values, your beliefs, and what is important to you—you can make the right choice, even when it’s hard.
About Tina Robbins
Tina Robbins is a Core Spirit Coach, helping women rediscover who they are after years of letting other people drive their lives. You can find her at www.openroadscoaching.com, on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/OpenRoadsCoaching, or on twitter @openroadscoach.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thank you so much. I can imagine how hard was that for you but I know it made you stronger & for that I want to thank you to take the time to write this wonderful post. Like you, I’m so glad I walked away from an intoxicated relationship. Namaste 🙂
I couldn’t imagine a more timely post, and with Independence Day just a few days away. I’ve started over more than a couple times, and like you, better came from it. Thanks for your insight and thanks for sharing. 🙂
Tina, I am so grateful for you today! THANK YOU!!!!
This!!! “Relationships need to be elastic. When we stretch past the boundaries of
what we know in the relationship, those boundaries either expand to
hold the new ideas or they crack and fall apart.”
That is so profound, so worth remembering, and such an empowering tool for decision-making! I don’t even know you and I feel both proud of and excited for you as you use these life-lessons to enhance your life and the lives of others!
Wonderful share, Tina!
Thanks for having the courage to share. I also appreciate how you point out that this applies to any kind of relationship. I think it can be particularly challenging moving on from relationships you thought would of course always be there and understanding it is a process–some days you just want to go back to how it was when it was all good but you know you can’t just turn the clock back on everything else and trying to convince yourself the problems really weren’t as bad as you know they were isn’t really being truthful with yourself about who you are and what you need out of the relationship. I guess you just have to have faith that if you keep taking positive steps forward with your new life then eventually it will evolve to be more of what you want and need.
It’s great to start from scratch, move away, begin again if its just you, but if you have children that philosophy doesn’t quite work.
Good post though x
Thank you. I’m going through one of the roughest patches of my relationship. My husband and i got together young, and waited 7 years to marry. After 15 years together, he now wants an open relationship and I don’t. We’ve always been able to stretch and grow together, supporting each other along the way and it hurts more every day for both of us. He’s willing to put his new needs aside to save the relationship (and we’ve been in therapy for 10 months to try to work things out) but I think it’s more troubling for me to be in a relationship where my partner feels stifled (not to mention the other baggage it brings up).
I know that I need exactly what you mention – to take the time to know my values, beliefs and what is important to me so I can make the right choice for myself. Thank you so much for this post.
Great post!
sometimes you have to take a step back and re evaluate what your life and relationships are,its never easy but still essential.
I agree we all need to let go and find ourselves.
You left, not because the relationship wasn’t working, because he lowered your interest level and so you fell out of love. That’s why you left.
“especially when you feel like you failed at holding together something as important as a marriage”
Being the dumpee, that feeling of failure was by far the biggest thing to come to terms with. To me, divorce was not something you do because life happens and things don’t always go well. I needed to come to terms with was that I had married someone who just didn’t share that same belief.
As far as letting go, what I wished I had been able to know earlier was that as soon as “… or else I’m leaving” thinking occurs, the marriage is over. With that frame of mind, her actually leaving was just the inevitable next step. As soon as the threat of separating or divorcing is used to try to control the other, then from that point forward there is appeasement at best, not respect and definitely not love.
Though it is easy to say “don’t beat yourself up over it”, the mind doesn’t let go that easily, especially when you never stopped loving your significant other.
It took quite some time for me to reach and, more importantly, embrace the acceptance phase but when that finally was reached the hurt went away, for the most part.
Ironically, about a year after she left she wanted to reconcile though by then mutual trust and respect was gone and there was nothing left to build on.
Had “letting it all go” been my course of action earlier I would have been able to start my rebuilding sooner. I do have peace of mind now though knowing that I was willing to keep trying, that I didn’t give up — regardless of the outcome.
it can be a really hard realization for sure. It takes time to heal so be gentle with yourself and allow that space. I am glad my experience can give you some hope.
Thank you so much , Akilah! It’s really important to remember to be flexible, and sometimes it’s a difficult thing to do. I am glad that piece of the post spoke to you!
Beautiful post Tina! I love the phoenix rising theme. Its good to remember form an ending can come a new beginning.
” I guess you just have to have faith that if you keep taking positive
steps forward with your new life then eventually it will evolve to be
more of what you want and need.”
This is exactly it! Keep moving forward. Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s hard, but if you just press on you will get where you need to be. Thanks for commenting 🙂
Thanks, Chantal. You are correct, if there are kids involved it is much more difficult to start from scratch. However, the main thing is to be true to who you are and what is best for you and the kids. That is the most important part.
Thank you!
My heart is with you, Lily, this is a rough course to have to tread, for sure. Understanding your values is vital making the best decisions for both of you. I wish you all the best.
I agree. I think it’s important to assess things in your life pretty regularly. It can help catch issues early on, before things have gone so far that they can’t be fixed. Thank you.
That’s an interesting perspective. Thank you for sharing!
Understanding yourself is really a powerful process, and yes, often letting go of something or someone is part of it. Thank you
Thank you, Thomas. I am glad you were also able to give yourself a fresh start. Namaste
Thank you so much. I agree that this is a good time to think about where you have been and where you are going 🙂
So interesting to have this post come up right now. My 15 year marriage is ending at the hand’s of my husband, I’ve decided to move to another state, and will be starting over in business again. Seems I’ve done this all before, but never at age 47 and never feeling like the rug was just pulled right out from underneath me. However, through it all I’ve remained grateful for all I have and have had. For the love and man that was such a huge part of my life for so long, for the person I am today because of this relationship. Starting over is always scary, but it can also be filled with excitement and joy if you make room in your heart for these emotions. Loved your story Tina. Thanks for sharing it and for the point of view that starting over, starting fresh, can sometimes be a blessing we need.
It’s not quite that easy if kids are involved…
This literally was my story! Down to the timing and years! Wow! Thank you for your story and insight! ~Cam
I’m currently struggling after my ex partner decided he no longer knew what he wanted after 4 and a half years living together for 3 and a half of them. I turned 24 yesterday and it was the worst birthday I can remember as he wasn’t there. I feel so silly as we still have seldom contact we’re on about meeting up on Thursday as I haven’t had no closure it may not be the best thing and my friends are advising me against it. I know I will probably be upset and taking 2 steps back but I feel I will regret it if I don’t go and see him. I think hopefully I will get the closure I need an no longer feel the need to contact him, he’s now seeing someone else already but he’s telling me it’s not what I think. I can’t understand why he is still lieing to Me. people say I’m still young and will look back in a few years an be grateful for the experience but we had our whole lives planned which maybe we shouldn’t of done but I just don’t know how to stop feeling so pitiful. he’s told me that hes keeping himself busy to not think about me which makes me feel worse. everyone says he probably enjoying the freedom but by jumping into another relationship I just feel so worthless…
Thank you, Tina.
I really like your insight about a spouse using the threat of divorce as a means of control and that there is a lack of respect and love in that situation. That happened in my marriage for the last couple of years and I’m grateful that someone else understands and has made the point like you have. Thank you.
Wow, thanks Cam. I appreciate the feedback and support and I haope things have turned out well for you!
Of course, having children can make things more complicated for sure, and starting over doesn’t necessarily mean moving far away like I did. You always have to consider what’s best for your situation.
Thanks, Deanna. (also, I now have “Closing Time” by Semisonic stuck in my head…”every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end”)
It takes a lot of strength and often a lot of time to get through the hard parts. It was about 5 years before I even considered getting married again.
I love that you recognize that the peach of mind comes from knowing that your choices were based in your values and beliefs. Thank you for sharing your insights and lessons.
“Starting over is always scary, but it can also be filled with excitement and joy if you make room in your heart for these emotions”. Absolutely this! Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you all the success you deserve!
hang in there! It takes time to get through the hard. Think about what is really most important to you in a relationship. How do you want it to feel? focus on that to help get you through. Wishing you the best.
Thank you, Tina! You wrote what I’ve been going through. I haven’t made that hard choice yet, but I see it’s inevitability peeking around the corner.
Your words have affirmed what I know deep down. That is… It’s going to hurt, but it is not the end. It’s just the beginning and there is relief afterwards. Thank you.
I am glad I could be of service, even if it’s a hard choice. Be gentle with yourself and you will emerge stronger for the journey. Thank you.
This post and comments interest me and I raise the following questions as a point of discussion not as a point of view 🙂 It is interesting in that compared to many others ( and this is not meant in any detrimental way to the writer) it appears a more self serving view as in ‘I made hard decisions that upset a lot of people but i am fine now’. Surely it is always easy to make difficult decisions when they are guided by what we want rather than someone else regardless of the origin of those decisions and also just because we are fine now does not automatically mean they were the best decisions?. One commenter is surely correct in the view ‘the relationship wasn’t working, because he lowered your interest level and so you fell out of love’ but can we say that is true without insight into that person or their own internal thoughts – thoughts which they probably also did not understand at that time? It is possible of course that younger people get caught up as you did in an unsuitable relationship but what about those in their 40s or 50s after long term relationships? But it is not possible to apply universal truths to either the outcomes for the dumped person or anyone else involved particularly children – so i cannot see how the views expressed can apply to those people – or even if they are meant to. Indeed where children are involved no matter how the instigator frames their terms there is always a loss which they are forced to react to and not always in their best interests. If we accept that for most of us we would need to put a great deal of consideration into the effects of our actions on children then why not others? It could appear that the need to put the self above the the relationship at all costs is another example fo the throwaway society we currently inhabit? Can we possibly pronounce our actions as good if their intention for others or outcomes are not so and we are unaware of all the outcomes? As I said a very interesting post which oscillates between the self and the greater good. Thankyou!
It’s not so easy if you have both built your entire careers in the same city. You cannot simply walk away from a career you worked your entire life to build and start from scratch, especially in this recession. And if you do stay in the same city, you can bet that every single crack on the sidewalk is going to remind you of something from the former relationship. You are going to lose most of your social life because mutual friends won’t touch either of you with a 10 foot pole. And if you have kids on top of that, you can just forget about anything. I’m not disagreeing with the theories you espouse, I’m just thinking they are impractical in real world situations. Walking away from a bad relationship is one thing. It’s not so easy to walk away from the other cogs in the machinery of the work-a-day life. So some of this article sounds selfish to me. The real world hurts – it’s supposed to.
Interesting response. I didn’t read this thinking that Tina was advising anyone to move away from a bad relationship. I read this thinking that was what SHE did in order to fully start over. Sure it is different if you have a career that ties you to a city, or children. The point is that sometimes you have to start over – and for someone with kids or a career that fixes them to a place – that might look different than moving away. Take from it what you will, you know?
Great article. well written and very profound. Thank you.
i’ve made the decision to let go of a family member and in turn i must also exclude myself from certain family events. it is so hard but i hope when i look back i can see myself with a respectful eye.
Hello,
I feel for you. I spent 15 years with someone who turned out to be a demon masquerading as a saint. What was best for me was breaking all ties with him and moving away. You need to find out who you are as an individual and not spend your time obsessing about what he is doing. It is hard… believe me, I know. At least you found out early.
Family and friends are a great source of comfort…so is keeping yourself busy. You need to grieve and come to grips with the facts, but don’t waste too much time in self pity. Remember that many people go through the same thing or worse and overcome it. You can too.
Your article hits home with me now. After 32 years (yess it can happen after that long too) I am leaving. I’ve been told I’m selfish, I’m too old, and what’s the point after so long. It’s about finding out who I really am and want to be able to live that way for however many years I have left. Starting over is scary; one is supposed to be settled long before now and looking toward the end together. But it’s the years and changes that have made the difference, it wasn’t supposed to be like this.
Yes, I’m scared. I’m lonely-leaving a connection and friendship of most of my life. I also feel selfish, sad, overwhelmed, disconnected and feel like a failure. And he is hurt and doesn’t understand, at all. So why do this?
Because I’m not “me” in this marriage. And I want to be me, I need to be me, I need to find out who I really am after all this time.
“Letting go isn’t the end of the world; it’s the beginning of a new life.” ~Unknown
Thanks for sharing!
Hi Tina,
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I can relate to your painful experience.
I got married in June 2010 and currently going through divorce proceedings. I tried everything to save my relationship, but I couldn’t. I had lost my identity in trying to mend the broken pieces of our relationship. ‘Letting go isn’t the end of the world; it’s the beginning of a new life’ but making that choice was very hard. I still cry over the fact that the person who meant everything to me just abandoned me. Starting over again is scary but there is no other option. I’ve shifted back to my home country. Life feels great with family & friends. I have rejoined my previous office. Two year gap has made work quite challenging. But, I will manage.
Wish me luck because, I will be signing by first petition on 16th July.
Stephanie – All the best! >hugs< Trust me all of us will come out much stronger! Take care
Tina, I’m going through it right now. And my story is very similar to yours. How can we ensure that “will work”? Impossible, it was actually good, but not elastic enough. I am suffering a lot, but your writing has helped me to see the positive side of the situation.
Thank you!
Thank you for sharing this. I currently broke up with my fiance and now, a few weeks later I find myself thinking “I could’ve chosen to be happy,why wasn’t I?”. And my fiance always said that when you love someone,there are no “I love you but…” So how can I be sure of my decision to let go? I did love him. Why did I feel unhappy? Could I have stayed in the relationship and “made myself happy”, since happiness is a choice?
I read this article 2-3 times before I worked up the courage to respond…
I am currently going through a separation (and I expect, an eventual divorce) from my wife of 12 years and girlfriend of 2 years prior. She had been unfaithfull for at least half of our marriage, is a problem drinker, very dishonest and secretive and I knew it was time to go when the thought of spending the rest of my life with her made me nasueous.
Yet still, she has been gone for almost a month and while I don’t want her back, I am angry at her and struggling with mixed feelings about revenge, loss, loneliness and uncertainty/fear for the future. I know, too, it’s easy to blame her when she showed indications from the start that she was capable of the aforementioned behaviors and I know I am probably really angry at myself for putting myself in this situation. I have lived and worked outside the US for over ten years now; my family and friends are at home and while I’m not lonely, I do feel very alone. My daughter from a previous relationship, who lived with us will be moving the States for college in two weeks and the prospect of being abroad for the first time without my wife and daughter, despite the problems in my marriage, is mildly terrifying. For the majority of our marriage, “our” friends were her friends. And although I am financially secure and fit for my age (40), I just don’t know how to feel right now…
I am thankful that I was finally able to end the relationship – it really should have ended 5 years ago. I just want to fast forward and be done with the letting go part and move on to the “lesson learned and I’m a better person for it” part… How do I get over these feelings and when does it start getting better? I know this is where I need to be right now, but I’m having a hard time focusing on the opportunity with all this crisis in the way!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I find my self in a very similar boat right now. My husband and I started dating at age 17 and were together for 8 years before we got married and had 2 kids all in the span of 3 years. Now 17 years later(together for 24 years) we are separating. Things have been going down hill for the last 4 years after he found his new “best friend” there wasn’t anything sexual between them but she seemed to bring everything that was wrong in our relationship to a boiling point and we just could fix anything. My husband and I are actually splitting on good terms and will probably end up being better friends then a couple but I’m very angry with his friend and her very inappropriate behavior and I need to know how to let go of my anger, not that I want her in my life, I just want to let it go.