“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.” ~Eckhart Tolle
I recently discovered just how powerful our thoughts can be. I learned that it doesn’t take time for us to accept our current situation; it simply takes a shift in our perceptions and a change in the stories we tell ourselves.
The catalyst for this realization was sent to me, in a small envelope placed under the windscreen wipers of my car. Yes, it came in the form of a parking ticket.
At first I was shocked and quite disappointed in myself for getting a parking ticket.
As I drove home, I found myself building a story in my head: It’s so unfair. I didn’t realize it was rear-to-curb parking only. Other people were parked the same way and they didn’t have tickets. Why me?
I saw the parking ticket as an attack against me personally, as an indicator that I wasn’t good enough. I was beating myself up and couldn’t understand why I had been fined.
But then I stopped. I dug a little deeper and tried to unravel why I was feeling so upset. I realized I was making something insignificant into a really big deal.
I was building a story that did not serve me at all. I was too attached to the current situation.
The parking attendant didn’t know me personally; he was just doing his job. There was no one else that I could blame for the ticket; I had parked incorrectly and it was only fair that I received a ticket for doing so.
Once I realized this, I was able to take a step back, and I thought to myself, You know what? It doesn’t matter what story I create. I’m still going to have to pay this fine. I may as well accept it and move on.
There was no need for me to be so upset, and the only way to move past how unhappy I felt was to change my thoughts.
In the last few years, as I’ve delved into self-study and spiritual enquiry, I’ve read a lot about the power of non-attachment and our ability to create our reality through our thoughts.
Hundreds of articles, books, presentations, and videos all encouraged me to become aware of my thoughts, and to watch whether the stories in my mind serve me or take me further away from where I want to be.
But I had never really put it into practice. At least not until the day I received my first parking ticket.
As I drove home, I paid very little attention to the road in front of me because I was so caught up in my story about how unfair the whole situation was. Then suddenly a switch flicked inside my mind.
It was probably the first time that I have truly been aware of my thoughts. I felt like an observer, watching my mind race and witnessing the birth of a new story.
This sense of awareness made me realize how frequently I create stories in my head and how often I take something insignificant and turn it into something huge. I’ve learned how frequently I create drama and complications in my life.
It’s certainly true that we can’t always control the situations we find ourselves in and we definitely can’t always control what happens to us. But it’s also true that we can control how we react.
When I realized just how petty my reaction was, I was able to shift my train of thought completely.
I learned that we don’t have to waste twenty minutes or a whole day (or longer) creating stories that get us nowhere. We don’t have to turn a minor annoyance into a huge drama.
Things can be so much simpler. We can accept what happens, even if we don’t like it.
We can just watch as something happens, without making it into a personal problem that needs to be solved.
We can be humbled by our errors rather than trying to shift the blame and pass off any consequences.
We can accept, surrender, and move on. We don’t have to attach our happiness or sense of self to everything that happens in our lives.
The next time (and I know there will be a next time) something I don’t like happens, I will do my best to not take it personally.
I will bring awareness to my thoughts and I will stop myself from creating a useless and unhelpful story. I will accept the situation, as it is, and I will try to keep my reaction cool, calm, and collected.
I will react in a way that doesn’t cause undue stress or unhappiness.
You too have the power to control how you react to the situations that unfold around you. You can bring awareness to your thoughts and to the stories your mind creates. And you can uncover a new sense of awareness and non-attachment without first needing to pay a fine.
Man in lotus position image via Shutterstock

About Erin Williams
Erin Williams is a passionate self-love advocate and stillness seeker. She believes that the key to true wellness and happiness lies at the meeting point of health and spirituality. Erin writes at In Our Stillness. She encourages women to define their own wellness and self-care practices. For tips on self-love and wellness sign up here.
Erin, Yes, it is very true, our thoughts and feelings for that matter create our reality. I remember the first time I read Eckhart Tolle’s book “The Power of Now.” It was life changing. He taught us that the mind is a tool and that we should not allow it to control us. Rather, we should control it. Great article. I am looking forward to reading more from you in the future.
Hi Erin, great article. You’re not the only one who did this. Most of us are like that. Thank God, I was able to realize the error of my ways and change. Life is so much simpler now.
Perspective is everything. How true this is. Great post. I enjoyed your honesty.
-Tara
Thanks for the post.But how do you surrender?Do you just sit and wait for things to happen?I feel defeated,lost and all alone.I feel like life has not been fair to me.And I don’t know how do I surrender to that?Or changing my life story and finding my happy ending.
@tinnybuddha
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This resonates with the book The Four Agreements. Thank you!
We can (and should) control our reactions but sometimes it’s hard not to take things personally when people do things that show disrespect for us and for our feelings. That seems deliberate. If you are deliberately hurting my feelings, why shouldn’t I take it personally? You aren’t doing it to anyone else.
Maybe they do it because they are trying to provoke a reaction? You accept the victim/victimiser dynamic. We shouldn’t take it personally because that only hurts us. Who is being disrespected… the image and story of who we are and how we should be treated?? Emotions can happen but when we attach a story to them we carry it beyond the present. The real you cannot be touched. Eckhart Tolle, as mentioned in the article, is a good read on the matter, although I’m sure there are others worth reading.
Meri, having just read A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle (who is mentioned at the beginning of this article), he would say you are trapped in thought… the story about who you are, and how the past has treated you, and how you want the future to play out. Tolle and other mindfulness advocates would say there is only ever the present, and if we reconnect with that we free ourselves from being bound by judgements of the past or anxiety about the future. We can become aware of the consciousness behind our thoughts… we are not actually what we ‘think’ we are. Any mindfulness or meditation practice is a good start to connect with the present and disconnect from our thought.
Hi Barbara,
I agree with you that sometimes it’s hard to control our feelings/reactions, specially when people are mean and judgmental..And they know what they did was wrong..I know few like that in my life too.But I am the one that always have to hear the lecture,don’t let it get to you.No one says anything to those who actually did the unkindness..We are human beings,not machines,and words hurt.Deliberate actions of unkindness hurt.So if some one says don’t let it bother you,to me it seems like they are putting all the burden on the person that got hurt,but not the person who created that unpleasantness in the first place.It’s like saying if some one robs your house,it’s not their fault for robbing it,but yours for not keeping it well locked.Or, doing more to make sure the robber couldn’t get in.I am just saying.
“It’s certainly true that we can’t always control the situations
we find ourselves in and we definitely can’t always control what happens
to us. But it’s also true that we can control how we react.” Indeed one of the WISEST advice there is & at the same time; one of the most challenging things to truly sunk in. Thank you for sharing your story; this really resonated with me…:)
Meri & Barbara, apologies if my comments came across as accusing… The article already explains better than my tiny comment can, and a 200 page book will be able to go into more detail and scenarios again. Holding on to past (or hypothetical) situations of pain… it doesn’t change anything other than your happiness right now. I’m still working on it myself, but the benefits are immediate every time I accept and move on. Best wishes.
What if it’s a regret from a past sin/mistake to another? And you cannot apologize because you already broke up?