“Do not become a stranger to yourself by blending in with everyone else.” ~Dodinsky
I spent many decades of my life trying to be person I was expected to be.
It was partly the kind of expectations our parents impose on us, but also those from society, combined with the worst ones of all: the expectations I had put on myself.
For example, the story of who “I should be” had told me that:
- I had to be a hard worker, a great student, and an overachiever.
- I had to be responsible.
- I had to be serious.
- I had to take care of everyone else.
Naturally, my actions reflected all of these thoughts.
Eventually, the picture my life painted became everyone else’s picture.
I ended up going into a “safe, secure career”—you know, the dreaded corporate job you don’t want but you “know you should do” to have all the trappings of a secure life.
People discouraged me from pursuing the things I was interested in, because it wasn’t guaranteed that I would make a good living in them. How was I supposed to support a family if I didn’t have a safe, secure job?
Happiness wasn’t less important in this equation; it was non-existent.
As the first born, I felt I didn’t have a choice—partly because I had expectations from others riding on my shoulders, partly because I wanted to make my family and friends proud of me.
I wanted to show them that all of my parents’ work didn’t go to waste.
For a while I could fake who I was. And for a while it worked. I went to my job like a busy worker bee and did what I was supposed to do; then I clocked out, went home, rinsed, and repeated.
About a year or two later, those first stirrings started showing up. Why am I even here? How did I get here? Do I even like this line of work? What on earth am I doing? What’s the point of my life and waking up to do all of this stuff?
Then I felt the worst feeling of all—the one we’ve all felt before—the feeling of your soul leaving your body.
The next year was unlike the first. Mysterious illnesses start cropping up: sleep issues, fatigue, aches and pains, and the worst, an unshakeable unhappiness that wouldn’t go away, even though I was doing everything “right.”
That’s when I reached a breaking point.
One day, which naturally was a rainy Monday, I stood for a moment longer than usual before entering the office door.
A second later a big commuter bus passed by.
Right then and there, I wondered if it might be easier to just get hit by a bus rather than keep repeating this ridiculous nightmare every day.
I paused.
The idea that I would rather die than live another day like that shocked me sufficiently that I stepped back, and after work spent time in a cafe and thought about how I got here, and how I could get out.
There were three things after this event that dramatically helped me:
1. Blind courage
I thought about what I wanted, which was surprisingly difficult, and just went for that without questioning it. This is something that almost no one tells us to do when we’re young.
I realized how important it is to be brave, because the entire world (and often our close friends and family) is trying to change us.
Everything competes for our mind space—we want to be happy, we want to make our parents happy, we want to be successful, and more.
2. Listening to my gut
I understood that this battle would never end. I realized there would always be conflicting voices: voices that told me to work for money, voices that told me to work for passion, voices that told me to just run away and do neither.
Most importantly, I remembered to listen what my gut voice told me, beyond the intellectual stuff of what sounds practical.
3. Tuning out other people’s opinions
Finally, I stopped letting other people determine who I think I should be and decided to just be me. This was perhaps the hardest of all because we’re always receiving the message that we should be more or less of something.
I made a conscious effort each day to pause and think about what I wanted. Forget what my parents wanted, what my friends wanted, what I thought I should want—what did I want?
It wasn’t until I made these three changes that I released the brakes in my own life, regained that feeling of being myself, and finally embraced who I actually was, not who I should be.
I invested more in my passions and interests: health, medicine, meditation, reading (and writing), and lots more.
And over the next period of months and years, I gradually felt “my spirit” coming back.
We’re always going to feel pressure to make choices we think we should make rather than the choices we want to make. The world is always trying to pull us or push us in different directions.
It’s up to us to stay focused and centered so we can identify what we really want; otherwise, we’ll end up feeling that we’re just going through the motions.
Ultimately, it takes courage to be truly authentic. It can be easy to conform because it doesn’t require going against the grain or stirring up conflict, but it’s the little acts of courage that lead us to fulfillment.
Happy man image via Shutterstock
About Alexander Heyne
Alexander Heyne is the founder of Modern Health Monk, an integrative health site that shows parents and professionals how to lose weight in a healthy way and feel amazing by using the power of tiny habits. You can get his free guide on 5 daily habits to look and feel amazing right here.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Great article and I can resonate as I am also first born with ‘those’ expectations and all about what I should and all…. started loving myself only now as I also started letting go of all and want to be myself… feeling encouraged by your post.. 🙂
Good advice. Makes lots of sense.. But not so ease too realize unless you suffer enough or cultivate regular self reflection
Amazing article Alexander!
Good stuff, Alexander. I’ve had a similar experience. It’s amazing how much we are willing to accept and/or settle for when we are convinced we “should.” And while I believe we all have the courage to step outside that programming and see with new eyes and a completely different perspective, that first step is scary as hell. So I appreciate articles like this that offer encouragement to those considering it and reminders to those of us who have made that step.
I read a similar artice the other day that didn’t approach this subject nearly as well as you did! Great job!
Good advice
Wow! Kind of felt like I was reading my own story. I am also a first-born. I feel like society forces us to be like this; chase material things, compete with others, not to consider our own happiness. I learned how to filter out other peoples opinions, especially when they are unhappy with their own lives. How would they be able to even see my vision? We can’t take our money and material things when we leave this world. We should make the best of every day and pursue our passions. I am glad you realized these things and are able to help other people out. Good luck and take care! =)
Hey, Alexander Heyne
Thank you for this article brother. I am currently having same feeling about; what should i do rather than what i am doing. I am in my nowhere-completely lost. Hope that i am gonna find out- what is that I want to do. 🙂
Great article thanks 🙂 im on a similar journey.. So glad I woke up to my madness.
Thank you so much for this article. It sounds EXACTLY like my story and resulting thoughts, questions and feelings – so familiar it’s as if I wrote this article myself. I know now I’m exactly where I need to be, which has lessened some of my guilt associated with this place. Now just need to figure out how this present place is going to pave my future one, which is scary and liberating at the same time, all the while finding myself for the first time.
I come from a very difficult family. They’re all extremely successful, but they’re very difficult people. I’ve been recently realizing it and fighting it, and realized I’m kind of like them. It’s affected all my relationships. Its like I go into each relationship with someone I think I can change or improve. After a few months, they get tired of it because I won’t accept them for who they are and always trying to change them. To me, they are legitimate reasons and great points, but to them and close ones, its not. I can’t tell if my issue is always attaching myself with someone I can change, or if its just me always trying to improve (myself and others, and it comes off as difficult). There is a lot of… “Why don’t you do this…” or “so.. isn’t it better if …”
Does anyone have any ideas about this? Any books or articles you’d recommend?
Thank you all!
Ankit – you’re absolutely right. That’s why daily cultivation is so important 🙂
Michael – It’s 100% scary as hell. There is NO doubt in my mind I am on the same page as you.
It’s not easy, but for me I always ask myself: “What’s the alternative?”
Being first-born is tough 🙂
Thanks Kasey!
It’s scary, but it’s the most important pursuit you’ll ever have Kristin –
You’re welcome Raychil!
Cheers Kunal –
Haha I feel you there! It’s not easy to fight the noise and go after what you really want.
Thank you sophie 🙂
😀
I’m with you 100% percent Alex and have even walked much of the same path you have. I think you got it by saying “blind courage” It is blind cause most of the time, on our journeys, we have no idea where we’re going (if we take the courageous route) If we settle and go with the flow (do what society tells us), we’ll have plenty of clarity. the irony of it all!! Unfortunately, we’ll also be a dying a little more each day!
I’m so glad you wrote this message and are living this awakened life! This is an excellent post! Keep spreading the message:)
Totally get this since I come from a similar background. I think the fact that you’ve discovered this by itself is the beginning of a transformation. Awareness is all that it takes sometimes for big changes to happen. Your comments also reminds me why our relationships can be our greatest spiritual teachers – they teach us so much about ourselves!!
Thank you Alexander for sharing. This is useful! I have got goosebumps reading that you contemplated whether being hit by a bus was easier. I have recently had that thought. it’s pretty interesting how a thought of death can actually makes us alive
absolutely wonderful read! I was beginning to feel the repetitive claustrophobia you described in the first part of your story recently and was saddened by the loss of that little kick of spirit inside of you wanting more. Takes a lot of courage to start to make changes and i’m glad to read an article written by someone who made a conscious effort to evoke change – thanks for the read!
Can’t do anything but be yourself… some people really belong in those awful corporate jobs, where they step all over other people, ruin the world and spread inequality…
Happy you woke up and decided to really be you and find your true purpose…
Great post! I often listen to my gut! 🙂
I’m blown away by this incredible article, Alexander! I am most struck by the idea you bring up about the soul leaving the body and then the body becoming ill. When we disconnect from our spiritual self, its as if our body grieves, and we can’t sleep, our health declines, and we feel empty. I am truly grateful for that insight. Beautiful!
I felt the same thing! It’s so interesting how, when you start talking to more people, more and more are going through exactly the same process of figuring out that they are living for other peoples’ expectations, rather than what they want. It’s so sad that not everyone is able to translate that in to meaningful change as when we’re in line with our soul purpose we can be of much better service to the world!
I love that Kaven – you’ve taken steps to let go of the expectations and love yourself as you are instead 🙂
Congratulations Kristin! Sounds like you’re on a mission to find your peace 🙂 I often find thinking of your current situation as a gift, to keep you paying your bills (if it’s a job) really helps as you want to keep positive rather than seeing your day to day as some sort of torture!
Kunai – this is the most exciting place for you now. You’re in the space between knowing and not knowing. Alexander’s last point was great – tune out others opinions. I really recommend some form of meditation (I’m a coach who specializes in helping people figure out who they truly are) and sitting in your own space – cultivating a practice of stilling the mind and listening to your soul. Once you open up this connection, you will begin to be presented with opportunities which will lead you towards your purpose. Good luck!
I know that feeling too Emma! Have you managed to keep your sanity and follow your heart?
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Thanks for the article. Just a couple of years ago I went through something similar. It was the feeling of my soul dying away with each morning as I got up. I couldn’t tell what was reality, it didn’t matter, I was soulless while getting on with my life. I had the mysterious illness too. I left my job broken although over the next months I did feel my “spirit” coming back piece by piece, but it’s hard and I fight all these voices all the time. I feel like I’m falling back into my old broken self again, and blame myself for being an oddball, why can’t I just be the average person and be happy with who I should be. I tell myself to be stronger but it’s a tough struggle.
“should” is such a nasty word isn’t it?! 🙂
Thanks for sharing your experience, Alexander. I had a very similar one, always trying to fulfill others’ expectations, always functioning and reacting, but never creating something that was true to myself. The problem is, we are not taught how to live a life on our own and develop our own dreams and pursue them. Listening to one’s own gut and connecting to oneself fully has to be learned by many people out there first, but I agree, it is essential for having a more fulfilling and happy life.
Dude you with your words rock! I needed this very advice…a long sleepless night pondering how my career and this year will pan out.
Thank you!
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Thanks, Vishnu
Awareness is a good first step! Hopefully I, and all those who have similar issues can be more aware of it and learn to grow from it.
Any tips from anyone who has experienced this would be great!
I also felt same as someone is reading my story. I am also first born and my parents had tremendous expectation towards me. I achieved and accomplished myself in this material world, everything was right as if “picture perfect”, yet felt my soul dying everyday in repetitive routine. Thanks yo so much for sharing experience.